I Got Ants In My Pants (And I Want to Dance)

Well, I don’t actually feel like dancing, but if this keeps up, I will TOTALLY have ants in my pants. AGAIN.

I woke up this morning and decided to do laundry before having a cup of coffee, which was stupid, but what was I to do, given that I spied a load in the front-loading window that had CLEARLY been there for a few days, guaranteeing that we’d be walking around with Mildew Scent? It was early — around 7:30 — and I just … I just poured the laundry detergent onto the floor instead of the dispenser. I just POURED it onto the floor and proceeded to go brush my teeth like nothing had happened, and it was only when I saw the puddle did I realize what I had done.

And then oh, I just clackity-clacked all the livelong day like a happy little worker bee and ate lunch like a normal person in a kitchen that looked completely normal and didn’t, say, have ants crawling all over the windowsill, sink and walls. Oh, what’s that? YES, ANTS. HA HA. Things got rather … Biblical around this here kitchen today, for when I went to wash my spoon after an afternoon snack of Liberte Mediterranee yogurt (Motto: “Happiness is Creamy” and yes, yes it is. Fifteen grams of fat worth, and it’s effing INCREDIBLE) to discover a few ants on the windowsill, which was freaky enough until my eyes followed the trail to the cabinets to … TO THE WALLS. THERE WERE HUNDREDS. IN DROVES. BIG BLACK ONES. ON THE WALLS.

How did this happen so fast? It was a few hours! AT BEST.

Did I mention they were on the walls? I mean, have you ever SEEN ants on walls? Because I’ve had ants before, but I’ve never had them ON THE WALLS. It was like a witchcraft movie where some evil witch makes bugs appear in plague-like proportions and I was waiting for the worms to come crawling out of the toilet and oh yes, then there would be maggots pouring from the planters outside! And snakes climbing on the windows! And giant beetles swarming under the doors! Isn’t that how it goes? (Uh, anyone else see The Craft?)

Let me say it again: I HAD ANTS ON MY WALLS. And then, just to demonstrate that I am, in fact, twelve and still rely on my mom for everything, I called my mother to scream “THERE ARE ANTS ON MY WALLS. WHAT DO I DO?” but she wasn’t home! And then, because I have TWO moms that I call in such emergencies, I called my stepmom for the same question. And she wasn’t home! And then I called my sister! Who is also like my mom, for she is 13 years older than me, and, you guessed it: SHE WAS NOT HOME.

THREE MOTHERS. NO HELP. Honest to God, I would have called ANYONE in that moment who could talk me through the process of REMOVING ANTS FROM MY WALLS. Be glad I don’t have your phone number. Because I was about to call you to scream, “THERE ARE ANTS ON MY WALLS. WHAT DO I DO?”

If you were wondering: I went after each and every one of them with a paper towel! And Ortho Home Defense! And every time a single one wouldn’t die instantly, I screamed, and it wasn’t a delicate scream, it was a high-pitched scream like you see in horror movies, and one time, I actually clutched my cheeks like Macaulay Culkin in Home Alone as I stood there with my mouth open. And oh yes, I was standing on a STOOL. Over an ANT. While SCREAMING. (“Eek! An ANT!”)

Honestly I sprayed so much that my throat hurt from the fumes, and it wasn’t until I soaked the garbage (ANTS WOULD NOT DIE IN PAPER TOWELS. KILL KILL KILL.) that I realized that I had a dog that I was very likely MURDERING with every spray and oh God, I just don’t even want to think about it anymore, and yet I can’t. I can’t stop. (Incidentally, this is why I prefer using environmentally friendly methods when it comes to pest control, and I’m not just saying that because I’m in Vermont. That stuff is AWFUL and oh-so-toxic, but when you have ANTS on your WALLS, you tend to not really notice if you’re killing yourself and your pets, because all you want is ANTS GO BYE BYE ALL GONE. WHO CARES WHO DIES)

You know that whole thing that happens to you after you see bugs, like your skin is crawling because THEY ARE THERE? Well. I took a shower after a run this evening and the water running down my legs was enough to send me screaming again, because RUNNY THINGS ON MY LEGS OMG ANTS.

And what the HELL, dude? WHAT. THE. HELL. If you recall (and uh, why would you?) this happened to me when I first moved to Florida. In fact, that was the first ant infestation of my life, when I woke up to ANTS IN MY PANTS and IN MY HAIR. DEAD BODIES IN MY HAIR. (And yes, uh, this was separate from the ants in my underpants, which means I am an ant MAGNET. SEND RAID.)

Other than that I … I got nothing. Oh, except for the fact that I did get my teeth cleaned and examined today (I was deemed a grown-up and given a speedy appointment) and when they complimented the crown work I had done last year, I beamed beatifically and said “Oh THANK you! They ARE lovely!” as if I had performed the dental work myself. And also, my new dentist does Botox, in addition to dental work, and I’m wondering: does this strike anyone as odd? Do these two things seem related to you? I mean, the hygienist tried to sell me on the whole, “he’s a head doctor!” argument, but Botox? And fillings? Really?

I hope you have an ant-free Thursday.

*James Brown.

39 comments April 16th, 2008