I Got Ants In My Pants (And I Want to Dance)
April 16th, 2008
Well, I don’t actually feel like dancing, but if this keeps up, I will TOTALLY have ants in my pants. AGAIN.
I woke up this morning and decided to do laundry before having a cup of coffee, which was stupid, but what was I to do, given that I spied a load in the front-loading window that had CLEARLY been there for a few days, guaranteeing that we’d be walking around with Mildew Scent? It was early — around 7:30 — and I just … I just poured the laundry detergent onto the floor instead of the dispenser. I just POURED it onto the floor and proceeded to go brush my teeth like nothing had happened, and it was only when I saw the puddle did I realize what I had done.
And then oh, I just clackity-clacked all the livelong day like a happy little worker bee and ate lunch like a normal person in a kitchen that looked completely normal and didn’t, say, have ants crawling all over the windowsill, sink and walls. Oh, what’s that? YES, ANTS. HA HA. Things got rather … Biblical around this here kitchen today, for when I went to wash my spoon after an afternoon snack of Liberte Mediterranee yogurt (Motto: “Happiness is Creamy” and yes, yes it is. Fifteen grams of fat worth, and it’s effing INCREDIBLE) to discover a few ants on the windowsill, which was freaky enough until my eyes followed the trail to the cabinets to … TO THE WALLS. THERE WERE HUNDREDS. IN DROVES. BIG BLACK ONES. ON THE WALLS.
How did this happen so fast? It was a few hours! AT BEST.
Did I mention they were on the walls? I mean, have you ever SEEN ants on walls? Because I’ve had ants before, but I’ve never had them ON THE WALLS. It was like a witchcraft movie where some evil witch makes bugs appear in plague-like proportions and I was waiting for the worms to come crawling out of the toilet and oh yes, then there would be maggots pouring from the planters outside! And snakes climbing on the windows! And giant beetles swarming under the doors! Isn’t that how it goes? (Uh, anyone else see The Craft?)
Let me say it again: I HAD ANTS ON MY WALLS. And then, just to demonstrate that I am, in fact, twelve and still rely on my mom for everything, I called my mother to scream “THERE ARE ANTS ON MY WALLS. WHAT DO I DO?” but she wasn’t home! And then, because I have TWO moms that I call in such emergencies, I called my stepmom for the same question. And she wasn’t home! And then I called my sister! Who is also like my mom, for she is 13 years older than me, and, you guessed it: SHE WAS NOT HOME.
THREE MOTHERS. NO HELP. Honest to God, I would have called ANYONE in that moment who could talk me through the process of REMOVING ANTS FROM MY WALLS. Be glad I don’t have your phone number. Because I was about to call you to scream, “THERE ARE ANTS ON MY WALLS. WHAT DO I DO?”
If you were wondering: I went after each and every one of them with a paper towel! And Ortho Home Defense! And every time a single one wouldn’t die instantly, I screamed, and it wasn’t a delicate scream, it was a high-pitched scream like you see in horror movies, and one time, I actually clutched my cheeks like Macaulay Culkin in Home Alone as I stood there with my mouth open. And oh yes, I was standing on a STOOL. Over an ANT. While SCREAMING. (“Eek! An ANT!”)
Honestly I sprayed so much that my throat hurt from the fumes, and it wasn’t until I soaked the garbage (ANTS WOULD NOT DIE IN PAPER TOWELS. KILL KILL KILL.) that I realized that I had a dog that I was very likely MURDERING with every spray and oh God, I just don’t even want to think about it anymore, and yet I can’t. I can’t stop. (Incidentally, this is why I prefer using environmentally friendly methods when it comes to pest control, and I’m not just saying that because I’m in Vermont. That stuff is AWFUL and oh-so-toxic, but when you have ANTS on your WALLS, you tend to not really notice if you’re killing yourself and your pets, because all you want is ANTS GO BYE BYE ALL GONE. WHO CARES WHO DIES)
You know that whole thing that happens to you after you see bugs, like your skin is crawling because THEY ARE THERE? Well. I took a shower after a run this evening and the water running down my legs was enough to send me screaming again, because RUNNY THINGS ON MY LEGS OMG ANTS.
And what the HELL, dude? WHAT. THE. HELL. If you recall (and uh, why would you?) this happened to me when I first moved to Florida. In fact, that was the first ant infestation of my life, when I woke up to ANTS IN MY PANTS and IN MY HAIR. DEAD BODIES IN MY HAIR. (And yes, uh, this was separate from the ants in my underpants, which means I am an ant MAGNET. SEND RAID.)
Other than that I … I got nothing. Oh, except for the fact that I did get my teeth cleaned and examined today (I was deemed a grown-up and given a speedy appointment) and when they complimented the crown work I had done last year, I beamed beatifically and said “Oh THANK you! They ARE lovely!” as if I had performed the dental work myself. And also, my new dentist does Botox, in addition to dental work, and I’m wondering: does this strike anyone as odd? Do these two things seem related to you? I mean, the hygienist tried to sell me on the whole, “he’s a head doctor!” argument, but Botox? And fillings? Really?
I hope you have an ant-free Thursday.
*James Brown.
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
39 Comments Add your own
1. She Likes Purple | April 16th, 2008 at 7:26 pm
You remember the other day when you were discussing horrible, shiver-inducing words that you/your readers loathe? MAGGOTS is that word for me. Ugh. I have to go take a shower after just typing it out. I’m going to be sick.
(For what it’s worth, and it’s probably not worth much, but we used to sprinkle cinnamon around our kitchen to get ride of ants. I don’t know if it actually worked because I was all of five and don’t remember many follow-up conversations to things, but my dad swears by it. Or Simple Green. Which he also swears by for ants. He’s a swearing kind-of man.)
2. Jamie | April 16th, 2008 at 8:03 pm
I’m de-lurking to second She Likes comment. My mom is head admin for a major pest control company with the little white trucks and brown and white uniforms. Anyhow, they also recommend cinnamon across the threshold of your window sills, and around your foundation to prevent ants.The important part is you need to kill the pheromone ants leave behind to alert the other ants that they hit the jackpot. A simple all purpose spray would work if you prefer not to use a bleach/water or ammonia/water mixture. I’m not sure about Vermont, but we have had excessive amounts of rain here in the Midwest, so the ants will be terrible this year here as well. They are disgusting little suckers that won’t give up without a fight.
My OBGYN offers botox which I find very odd, but not as odd as your dentist. Have a great day!
3. Amy K | April 16th, 2008 at 10:54 pm
I totally symphathize with your ant problem. We haven’t had them climbing the walls yet here, but we’ve had giant carpenter ants chewing through the wall directly over our bed. The sounds of millions of little chitinous bug feet and mandibles chomping through wood is something I never, ever want to hear again. Exterminators FTW! Ours supposedly sprays some poison that’s non-toxic to humans and pets after three hours – no clue if it’s true or not, but it keeps the evil ants away.
4. Kara | April 17th, 2008 at 12:51 am
When ever we get an infestation, which out in the desert is more than once a year, I spray either windex or clorox clean up. They die pretty quick. I’ve also been known to sweep them up alive and then spray once they are in the trash can.
I always get the heebie jeebies about ants, having grown up in TX with fire ants. I think all species are out to bite me! I itch at the sight of ‘em.
5. pamelita | April 17th, 2008 at 3:07 am
Hi, I’m delurking too just to share my bug killing method:
I consider it having two advantages: 1) it is non toxic!, 2) it is not gross (no handling of said bugs).
I just vaccum whichever bug (or multiple bugs) are bothering!!! It is great.
Even if a little embarrassing to admit…
6. Marin | April 17th, 2008 at 3:56 am
Now I don’t know your dentist, who I am sure is a wonderful, legitimate medical professional, but he is SO NOT A HEAD DOCTOR. He is a tooth/mouth doctor. That is not at all related to your facial muscles, neurological pathways, and eyes. Also, I’m pretty sure I just read something on CNN about a new Italian study on rats that found the particles of Botox that they thought broke down and harmlessly passed on to the bloodstream actually migrated, in some cases, so the brain. Like, where you think. Run away! Save yourself! (I work in a medical office, and let me tell you, the plastic surgeons sometimes have some serious reconstructive work for women who go to Botox parties.)
Re: ants. I would have done the same thing. Freaked.
7. Shelly | April 17th, 2008 at 4:56 am
TERRO. Buy it at hardware-ish stores—they eat the stuff, take it back to their colony and DIE. I too, hate ants. You have to live with them for a while, because they LIKE the terro…….and they all come and eat it….but within a day or so, they go away. It supposedly is safe for pets, too.
I am WAYYYY older than you and I call my mom for stuff, too. Aren’t mom’s awesome?
8. TwoBusy | April 17th, 2008 at 5:17 am
First spiders, now swarms of ants? Sounds to me like it’s time to get the hell out of Vermont. I know you just got there, but when insects and arachnids start ganging up on you… I mean, they’ve got a 10,000,000-1 advantage. It’s not the kind of situation you can win.
9. Jen | April 17th, 2008 at 5:34 am
I am dancing a jig over here from a major case of heebie jeebies from imagining all of the ANTS who came marching in! *shudder*
Also, botox from the dentist really freaks me out. Especially since I am imagining my dentist shooting something into my face and I just know without a doubt that it is not right. He still wears old school 70s dentist smocks and has crazy hair, so it’s hard enough for me to let him come near me with a novacaine shot, let alone a shot for my face!
10. Sadie | April 17th, 2008 at 5:45 am
Reason #2,436 why I am glad I live in a brick house: no ants.
I feel all itchy and heeby now, like your ants somehow got into my shirt and are marching down my spine.
11. Cami | April 17th, 2008 at 5:55 am
I know just where you are coming from. I live in Miami, FL and all I can say is …..Ants…Ugh! Little swarming creatures from hell!!! They are the bane of my existence here and my mortal enemies. Yesterday I woke up to find an army of those suckers crawling all over my kitchen counter. I also went ape shit with a bottle of RAID putting myself and and allhousehold members in jeopardy. Hey desperate times call for desperate measures. I never thought of trying Cinnamon but I’m game.
12. H | April 17th, 2008 at 6:31 am
I have to tell you my ant story. When I was much much younger (probably 6 or 7), my parents set up our tent in the back yard and my brother and I slept out there on a summer night, just for fun. We were sneaky buggers and brought candy out there with us and saved some of it under MY pillow to have the following night. The next night, I got into my sleeping bag and was there for I don’t know how long before I felt the creepy crawly feeling all over my body and then realized my sleeping bag was FULL of ants. And I was COVERED in ants. Needless to say, I did a bit of a screaming-flailing dance as I totally freaked out in the tent — to the point that my parents (who were in the house) heard me and ran out to save me.
13. Raven | April 17th, 2008 at 6:36 am
My skin is crawling!
We have the fire ant problem, being in Tx, but they are outside. I boiled them with water from the kettle until we could treat the entire yard with pesticide. It’s completely maniacal but I am not satisfied until I see their little corpses.
14. moo | April 17th, 2008 at 6:45 am
The first day we moved into our new apartment, we had ants. On the walls, along the baseboards, in the bathtub. Everywhere BUT in the kitchen.
We’ve sprayed. We’ve had the exterminator come. And still, we get ants every other week or so. ESPECIALLY if it rains.
Their nest must be so huge … I think our building would collapse 3 feet into the ground if they were totally eradicated.
Not pretty.
15. Sian | April 17th, 2008 at 7:00 am
Yes, my dentist does botox and fillers as well and I found it very odd. Maybe teeth are so healthy these days (even over here in London) that they need to branch out and find secondary sources of income?
16. Christine | April 17th, 2008 at 7:04 am
EEEEEEEEEEEE! That is all. And I’ve heard ants don’t like cinnamon? Just googled it, cinnamon. There ya go. Sprinkle cinnamon around like it’s no one’s business.
Um…I don’t k now what else to do. Move? Exterminator? I bet you could find an environmentally friendly one.
(Also, re yesterdays comment, I forgot we already discussed our loathing of Lolita. It seems so insignificant now that you are in crisis.)
17. -R- | April 17th, 2008 at 7:21 am
I am trying to figure out who my go-to person in times of terror is. I think my only person is my husband. I need to get some more moms!
18. Style Bard | April 17th, 2008 at 8:28 am
Hahaha… I had JUST commented on your spider situation about my ants, too. THAT’S JUST WHERE I WAS. And I totally called my mom and dad. My father was not reassuring in the least, but I’ll spare you, because it… was not reassuring in the least. And for your sake? DO NOT google more info on ants, cause you do not want to know.
I found that red wine also helps. Pour two glasses; drink them.
19. Teej | April 17th, 2008 at 8:35 am
Oh, that’s just awful. If all the natural remedies don’t work, try Terro Ant Killer (http://www.terro.com/). When I lived in California, I was never without this stuff. But I had to go through about 10 products to find it. Only thing that worked pretty much instantly. And OH, I needed instant.
20. Swistle | April 17th, 2008 at 9:08 am
“Head doctor” is inaccurate (REALLY? Does the dentist also handle ENT work?), but sounds better than Needles Into Nerves Doctor.
OMG. The ants. Noooooooooooooo! We’ve occasionally been visited by terrible infestations. I use a bleachy paper towel to wipe up big handfuls of them (GAG), then take out the trash right afterward.
My dad was replacing a toilet (he’s handy like that) and found the most amazing HEAP of ants underneath. “Like a bowling ball, but made of ants,” he said. …Sorry, was that not helpful?
21. Morrigan | April 17th, 2008 at 9:29 am
I cannot handle swarms of anything. It doesn’t matter how benign the creature, swarms just kill me. I live in Canada and about ten or twelve years ago we imported zillions of non-native ladybugs as ‘natural’ pest killers. Of course, the birds and other creatures that normally eat ladybugs didn’t like the imported fare and there were tons of them trying to hibernate in the fall. I was home sick one day and running a very rare fever when I realised that there were ladybugs all over my room! They were squeezing through the drainage holes in the window screen and coming in the open window to try to hibernate in my curtains. They would actually all pile up in a corner and there would be dozens if not more in a group. I started to trap them in tissues and flush them down the toilet, but when I realised that there were literally hundreds of them I began making sure I felt them squish and locked the tissues in a Ziploc bag. A friend called during the height of the hunt and I remember him saying “honey, they’re just ladybugs. I’m sure it’s not that big a deal.” But it was! He actually thought I was delerious until my grandmother came home later in the day and backed me up. To this day: one ladybug is fine, but two or more start to give me the heebie jeebies.
Oh, and it toally creeps me out that your dentist does Botox! Well, it creeps me out that anyone does Botox, but particularly a dentist.
22. Jules | April 17th, 2008 at 10:13 am
First let me say that it strikes me as sketchy that your dentist does Botox injections. He is not a “head doctor” — he is not a medical doctor at all, actually. Most states require Botox injections to be performed by a physician or under the supervision of a physician. But as my uncle from upstate NY has said many times about Vermonters, “In Vermont, you do what you want.” So there must be a different licensing law there.
Normally, I am not skeeved out by bugs. But last spring we had a serious ant infestation in my apartment. The ants were everywhere. On every conceivable surface (this included the walls and my BED. Ack.). My skin is crawling just thinking about it. We had the landlord call an exterminator and, lo, we have not had ants since. However, my parents have used Terro before with great success.
23. Maryann | April 17th, 2008 at 10:15 am
I suffered the same infestation this past weekend. It was incredibly disgusting and I’m still squirming in my seat thinking about it. We usually get ants every spring, but these guys were impervious to the baits that usually kill them. I swear I saw one ant with a box of macaroni strapped to his back walking out the doggie door.
We ended up having the exterminator come yesterday and my husband said that he found “the source” which caused nightmares last night. The source? I imagine it to be the mothership of antdom and IT WAS UNDER OUR HOUSE. Ick.
We haven’t seen a single entity since Mr. Ant-Killer left I’m happy to report. I guess I’ll have to trade inhaling carcinogens for a day or so for shaking the ants out of the bread box.
Good luck!
24. M&Co. | April 17th, 2008 at 10:19 am
We get ants like that. Someone told me boric acid where they are coming in will do the trick.
One time I followed the trail of ants as it snaked its way across my kitchen walls and ceilings. It was going into my cup cabinet. And I started taking things out of there, because there was nothing in there to eat. And I came to my L.L. Bean metal travel mug. And that is where the line ended. And when I took the lid off and looked into the mug, it was completely full of ants. I screamed like a girl and dropped the mug into the sink. I had to give it away because I could never use it again even after we washed it in the dishwasher and bleached it and everything. I thought about sending it back to L.L. Bean and getting my money back, they have that “unconditional guarantee” thing, but I decided my neurosis wasn’t a good reason to ask for a refund.
25. Val | April 17th, 2008 at 10:49 am
I’m actually more weirded out that Jamie’s OBGYN does botox than that fact that your dentist does. Seriously? OBGYN? For when your lady bits need a pick me up?
26. Kristin H | April 17th, 2008 at 11:10 am
I woke up once in a youth hostel to see ants marching in a line across the wall in front of my face. That was when I knew I was homesick and needed to come home. Also, I once had a very vivid dream that I had ants crawling all over my head and in my hair, and I still remember the feeling and my panic when I woke up, thrashing and pulling at my hair. I’m sorry for your pest issues! Sounds like an exterminator could take care of many of your cottage’s issues in one fell swoop. Vermont: where the bugs make themselves at home right in your home.
27. Angella | April 17th, 2008 at 11:47 am
The visual of you standing on a stool and screaming hit home for me.
We have ants, and they suck, but I am cool with it. I squish them.
My three year old BOY, however, screams like a, well, GIRL every time he sees one.
DUDE. We live in the sticks. WE HAVE BUGS.
Not in my hair though. I. Would. Die. You have endured more than I ever could.
28. Desha | April 17th, 2008 at 12:48 pm
Ugh….while we are all sharing our ant trauma stories: I once ate an entire bowl of cereal that was COVERED in teeeeny tiiiiny ants the exact shade of the cereal. To be fair this was central America and not Vermont but…still. Nothing like knowing the special crunch to your (NEW! Previously unopened!!!) cereal is ANTS. Mmm
No help, am afraid. I like the independent spirit there in Vermont but “head doctor”?? Mmmmno.
29. Nothing But Bonfires | April 17th, 2008 at 12:52 pm
Okay, I’m sending you my number, because you can TOTALLY call me next time you have ants, but only if you promise that I can call you in return. Neither of us will actually know what to DO about those ants (I would have used the exact same method you did), but it sure will be nice to have someone to SCREEEEEEAAAAAM about them to.
30. Anne L. | April 17th, 2008 at 4:05 pm
Oh, MAN. I am so showing this post to my husband, who thinks that I am the only person alive that freaks about ants. GAH, I got the creepie-crawlies reading this. I have used against ants: Lysol spray, Simple Green cleaner, straight up bleach, hairspray, hair MOUSSE… I can’t even think straight right now! I’m itchy.
31. Amy | April 17th, 2008 at 4:31 pm
Terminix. They will be gone after one treatment and then periodic quarterly treatments thereafter. We have a lot of trees in our back yard, a small creek by the house, a neighbor’s field is back there, etc. Ants will make it in come spring time. Yes, they are big, meaty ants. I was horrified too. Terminix gets ‘em gone, there is no smell or danger to my pets either (I have too cats). They also get spiders, etc. along with them. I in no way work or am affiliated with Terminix, just a bug hater like you. Good luck! Love your blog.
Regards,
Your friendly delurker
32. Amy | April 17th, 2008 at 4:33 pm
Sorry, I have two cats OR I too have cats. Duh, I hate my own typos.
33. Tessa | April 17th, 2008 at 5:01 pm
I agree with the Terros. Get two products, the little packets of clear gel that you just leave on the countertop for the ants who are just hearing about the party now, and the bottle of spray so that you can spray the everloving F out of the ants who are already dancing around your kitchen with a lampshade on their heads. Here in AZ we get ants in our kitchen every summer – maybe they’re just hot? – and this stuff works every time. It comes in an orange can/box. Totally worth whatever you have to pay for it.
34. Maggy | April 17th, 2008 at 8:06 pm
I had ants and fleas in a campus apartment. (We didn’t have pets, but our neighbors had a neglected dog-and, no, I never call the SPCA on them like I should have-and when the neighbors moved the bugs came over to our place.) I called the landlord so often they asked me not to call until the next week. It was awful. That creepy, crawly feeling. My roommate was ready to wear a flea collar around her ankle. Anyway, we had our huge can of “chick Raid,” so called ’cause it was a pink can, and we called my boyfriend to kill bugs for us. Even after we broke up, he came over to kill bugs.
35. Maggy | April 17th, 2008 at 8:11 pm
Also, I thought of you today. I was at Target, and they didn’t have what I was looking for. How often does that happen? I needed braces wax for a broken tooth. So now I get to go to the dentist tomorrow. We’ll see how the three year old does while I’m in the chair. Blecch. I’ll bet you’ve saved tons of money without Target to take it all. (Today’s damage: $80 I could’ve made it an even hundred if I’d bought dog food.)
36. Mauigirl52 | April 23rd, 2008 at 9:03 pm
My sympathies! The only thing worse would be what we experienced twice when I was a teen living at home – TERMITE SWARMS. They look like ants all over the place – but they FLY. Ugh.
37. Jonniker. » Pink Mo&hellip | May 12th, 2008 at 7:16 pm
[...] this is awesome: The Terro ant traps you all recommended? Dude, TOTALLY WORKING. I’m finding piles of ant carcasses strewn carelessly around the [...]
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