I liked my new primary care doctor immediately, and oddly, it was because of
Eat, Pray, Love. That book is becoming my new litmus test as to whether I will like a person. That’s not to say that if you liked it, I will NOT like you — I love plenty of people who loved it, surely, and that includes family members — but if you don’t like it, or at least don’t love HER, it’s a marker of sorts that perhaps we could be kindred spirits.
Dr. L walked into the exam room, as I sat there sweating in my open-front cotton robe. She introduced herself, then turned to the book she saw in my purse.
“You love it? Everyone seems to.” She was assessing me coolly, but not unkindly.
“Not really. I think she’s self-absorbed. And I just finished India, which was the worst part.” I had already told the nurse AND the receptionist this, when both asked. It seems I can’t even be polite about Liz Gilbert when strangers ask me this question, and I give a stone-cold answer every time.
“No,” she shook her head grimly. “Indonesia is much, much worse. She thinks she shits GOLD in Indonesia.”
And so began a doctor’s visit wherein I almost threw my arms around my new physician with mad love, but refrained from doing so, not only because I would have pressed my entirely naked body against her (why open in the front? WHYYY?), but because I was inexplicably sweating like I have never sweat before. Yes, it was 70 degrees out today, but that was absolutely no reason for the sweat. It was like a Bikram yoga session — and worse, the more I stressed about it, the more I sweat. I had nearly drenched the see-through robe by the time she arrived, and though she was incredibly disarming and kind, I continued to pump out sweat like it was my job to provide mineral water and skin bacteria to the entire town.
Perhaps more upsetting, however, is the fact that I asked her for a recommendation for a gynecologist and ended up telling her of my experience at Dr. Leans-A-Lot. And something in her reaction made me think that I wasn’t the first to complain about him, for she was quick to say, “No, ah, I think you’re going to have to go to the city for what you need. I’ll make some calls to get you in.”
And FURTHER, the nurse came in and asked about it and — please tell me you’re ready for this, as in YOU MAY WANT TO SIT DOWN — she noted that I’d recently had a pap smear with Dr. Lean-O, and when I told her it was during the uh, active phase of my lunar cycle (yes, THAT lunar cycle: think Moon Cup) at the doctor’s insistence , she let out a heavy sigh and said, “Oh GREAT. Of course,” and then shook her head. And … and then she followed it up with, “Yes, um, that seems to be his thing. And I’m going to stop before I get in trouble. But I trust you’re not going back there?”
HIS THING. EW. ARE YOU DEAD YET? BECAUSE I HAVE DIED.
And that was before I even TOLD HER ABOUT THE LEANING.
And the worst part is that I’m probably not going to do anything more about it than what I’ve already done. After my appointment, I got a survey from the hospital system asking me to evaluate my visit, and I sort of let it rip. It claimed to be anonymous, but I’m pretty sure that like anything, they could trace it to me based on appointment time/identifying information. But seeing as I saw The Hand That Rocks The Cradle, I’m kind of all set with turning in the creepy gynecologist, and I wish I could say I was above being influenced by a fictional film, but I’m not. I don’t want to die, and I don’t want my gardener turned in for child molestation. Honestly, I’m irrationally afraid of getting in trouble for writing this, like I’ve identified him and given you his phone number or something. Because again, I’m TWELVE.
With that, I hope you have a great weekend. Thanks to you all, I’m buying Terro and eradicating the remaining ants (only three today!). I’m also finishing the albatross that is Eat, Pray, Love and going on a hike, as it’s supposed to be beautiful. And Split is here! It’s here! And I cheated and already started it and might finish it by morning, because I’m a greedy shit. Although would you believe there are greedier shits than me who already reviewed it on Amazon? It came out TODAY.
Are you doing anything fun? Tell me about it either way, if you’re so inclined. Spring is here! It’s here!
39 comments April 17th, 2008