Warmer Climate
April 20th, 2008
I am not particularly proud to admit that I spent a full two hours in the wee hours of Saturday morning perched on an ottoman watching ants go in and out of the Terro ant traps I laid out for the occasion. I had a glass of WINE, even! And later, a few bits of dark chocolate! It was like TELEVISION, watching these little creatures go in tiny and come out with huge fat bellies full of delicious, delicious poison — bellies so fat that they could barely make it back into their nest, which I’ve discovered behind the windowsill in the sun porch. And more than once, I rubbed my hands together with mad glee and at least twice — oh, at least — I called Adam down from upstairs to check out the action. “Nature at work!” I would yell up to him. “You’ve GOT TO SEE THIS!”
Never mind that “nature” was actually us, with our cruel, murderous intentions and pancake-syrup laced with Borax stuffed in a plastic case.
This all took place around 1 a.m., when anyone who is still young, prurient and single is out at the bars, dancing the night away with tequila sunrises and saketinis, while I was wearing yoga pants and an old Depeche Mode T-shirt clutching a glass of (cheap) wine watching ants carry translucent stripey abdomens of poison back to their queen. It goes without saying that I am now seriously considering an ant farm.
Enter a series of non-sequiturs, as usual:
One of my friends has an odd habit of defining every high-scoring word after she says it. I can’t decide why she does this — maybe it’s because she’s a teacher, maybe it’s that she thinks I’m dim, and I’m not sure what the word means. It’s also possible that I’m not reacting properly, for she often uses these words as a punchline of sorts, as if she’s testing me to see if I get it. It could be that I’m not responding fast enough, and she’s afraid she’s misled me. Oddly, she does not do this condescendingly, which seems incongruous, but there you go.
Either way, it drives me a little nuts, for I have yet to hear a word out of her mouth that I don’t know — the only one I puzzled over for any length of time was thaumaturge, and now yes, please, go look that up and tell me if its use is EVER NECESSARY, because it isn’t. Sometimes an extensive vocabulary is best used judiciously, unless you’re steeped deeply in academia, where such talk is necessary to engage in a lexicon-laden pissing match.
Anyway, instead of enjoying our usually lively conversation, I spend the majority of our time together listening for words she might have the urge to define and arranging my face in the best semblance of comprehension I can muster. Friday afternoon, in fact, I interrupted and preempted her with a definition of “masticate” because I sensed she was about to, and because, yes, HELLO, I UNDERSTAND, but wouldn’t you know, she went ahead and explained it anyway.
By the way, Eat, Pray, Love is over and done with, and Split has been devoured like an ice cream sundae, complete with brain freeze, for I ate it up far too quickly. I do this, sometimes, with things I know I’m going to love, and I’m both intensely gratified and deeply disappointed when they’re over, for who the hell knows when Suzanne Finnamore will publish another novel? Three in eight years do not a prolific author make. But the fact remains that Finnamore is one of my writing heroes, if not THE writing hero of my entire life. No one, and I mean no one, has ever constructed such beautifully rich sentences in so few words, and she makes me want to be a better writer — in fact, she makes me feel like I CAN be a better writer, and I don’t know why that is, but she does.
That being said, please don’t start with Split, if you’re new to her. Otherwise Engaged is the best place to begin. Start there. Maybe now is a good time?
Which brings me, by the way, to the fact that ages and ages ago, I joined Goodreads, and never really used the account. I like the idea of it, in theory, but like anything, I need other people to make me pay attention to it. Thus far, my only friend is Lara, so if you’re a member and feel like friending me, go right ahead. You can make fun of my abysmally pedestrian literary taste and I can siphon good books to read off of your no-doubt superior selections. A win/win for everyone!
I hope you had a great weekend. Personally, I’m about to pass out, as I took the dog for a three-mile walk today (I have to stop treating her like a golden retriever — the girl can’t take it), and both days, we found ourselves at the driving range, hitting golf balls into nowhere in the hot sun. It’s like summer here in Vermont, which thrills and terrifies me, for if it’s this hot in April — seriously, all windows in the house are open, and I’ve worn skirts and flip-flops, like Florida — what the hell do June, July and August hold for us? I should add that the hottest day of my life was in Bennington, VT, at my brother’s wedding. In June. There is no air conditioning here, anywhere. We’re screwed, I know we’re screwed, don’t remind me.
Happy Monday!
*Snow Patrol
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
18 Comments Add your own
1. Canadian Coco | April 20th, 2008 at 6:32 pm
God, I love you Jonniker! You make me want to pee my pants with laughter and holy shitsticks you have an amazing way with words. Kiss me!
2. julia | April 21st, 2008 at 3:18 am
thank you.
I’ve stumbled onto your site obviously through some divine guidance. I miss reading and your post reminded me achingly of the greatest pleasure – the mind. I”m going to back to what gave me greatest pleasure, the stirrings of imagination and the soul through words.
thank you.
3. TwoBusy | April 21st, 2008 at 4:23 am
Thaumaturge?
“Hello. I’m dripping with intellectual pretension. Can we hang out so I can dwarf you with my brogdingnagian cerebellum?”
4. Shelly | April 21st, 2008 at 4:36 am
I like words, too, but unfortunately, use them like the Missouri girl I am…….I WILL have to look up Thaumaturge, though…….
And WHICH girl can’t take the 3 mile hikes?
5. jonniker | April 21st, 2008 at 5:21 am
HA, Shelly, I swear it’s the dog. She’s a pug, and they aren’t designed to get a lot of exercise — she gets really tired, really fast. And if it’s cool enough, I take her out and about and after about a mile, she looks at me in desperation and tries to get me to pick her up. It’s so sad.
6. Lara | April 21st, 2008 at 5:28 am
Oh, poor little pug! The funny thing is that Chester SHOULD have a lot more energy than he does, but I took him hiking on Saturday and after about 30 minutes he started lying down in the middle of the trail periodically for breaks. He’s my kind of guy, obviously.
Also, yay, goodreads!!!
7. Jen | April 21st, 2008 at 5:44 am
You’ll be pleased to know that I already picked up Otherwise Engaged from the library this weekend based on your recommendation! Planning to read it this week. So thanks!
I haven’t checked out Goodreads yet, but I have tried LibraryThing which is probably about the same thing.
8. -R- | April 21st, 2008 at 6:23 am
Maybe your friend is used to speaking with people who have small vocabularies. You would think, in that case, she would just learn to use smaller words, instead of acting like an ass.
9. She Likes Purple | April 21st, 2008 at 6:39 am
That’s the fantastic thing about Texas — something I don’t think people really properly understand — the 100+ weather isn’t that insufferable since everywhere you go has central air blasting at 65 degrees.
And, funny enough, the hottest day of my life was spent in Sacramento — nowhere near Texas.
10. Val | April 21st, 2008 at 7:00 am
I’ve had the same experience with Goodreads. I enjoy the concept, but don’t really have any “friends” on there to draw me back to it. I’d love to see what you’re reading, but my list would likely bore you to tears. Even though I have an English degree, my guilty pleasure books lie in the genre of thrillers ala Lisa Scottoline, Philip Margolin, Brad Meltzer, etc. No brain busting works of literary genius there…
11. cassidy | April 21st, 2008 at 8:23 am
I have a really hard time with people who use big words just to use them. Come on! Get real. I would have an even harder time with someone who felt the need to define them for me.
12. Kristin H | April 21st, 2008 at 10:33 am
I would feel compelled to let my friend know that she is constantly defining words that I know. But how I did it would depend on how good a friend she is. A friend would get interrupted in a lighthearted tone: “Masticate! To chew!” (said with a smile) An acquaintance that I didn’t mind losing would get interrupted in a more unsmiling way: “Oooo, masticate. That was in the spelling bee I WON in 8th grade.” Then I would say that for every word she defines.
I can be obnoxious. It’s one of my less lovely traits.
Also: Otherwise Engaged is on my list!
13. Jen W. | April 21st, 2008 at 11:07 am
Dude, I was in NAPLES a couple weeks ago and thought of you. Too bad you weren’t there, but also GOOD because you weren’t there anymore! So glad to see that you’re enjoying Vermont. It is so beautiful up there. Somewhat jealous of you experiencing real seasons.
14. Heather B. | April 21st, 2008 at 4:10 pm
“This all took place around 1 a.m., when anyone who is still young, prurient and single is out at the bars, dancing the night away with tequila sunrises and saketinis”
Or, I dunno, at a strip club. Not that I know any young, prurient and single women that would do such a thing but that is entirely hypothetical.
Ahem.
15. Swistle | April 21st, 2008 at 4:52 pm
My first reaction to hearing that Suzanne Finnamore had a new book out about her divorce, was to think, “She’s available?” Like maybe she’d marry ME now. I love her THAT MUCH.
16. Carolyn J. | April 21st, 2008 at 7:24 pm
I added you as a friend on Goodreads, and anyone else who reads this message is free to do the same to me. We need more peeps.
A great teacher of mine, who had the biggest vocabulary I’ve ever heard, once said to me, “Never use a 50-cent word when a 5-cent word will do the job”. Words to live by!
17. A. | April 25th, 2008 at 12:53 pm
Hi, new to your blog. Makes me laugh! I’ll be your friend on GoodReads. You can check out my book blog and see the link to my GoodReads page. Is that the best way to connect?
18. Jessica | May 1st, 2008 at 10:32 am
I love Goodreads! I use it as a way to obsessively track which books I want to read in the future. One cool thing I think is that you can click on the book you want, then click on the link to half.com where it takes you right to that book’s page. I dunno, I like it.
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