Left to My Own Devices

Can I tell you how much I loved reading all of your responses? You’re all so interesting and diverse and I loved how honest you were — in particular, I loved those of you who admitted that you were, indeed, The Man Himself. HA. But really, I loved it, and it might be one of my favorite comment sections ever — here or anywhere else, and God knows it’s hard competing with yourself — and I mean you, not me, for I had nothing to do with it — because you all rule every day. So thank you.

Separately, I’m a little scared at the amount of people (read: more than one) who’ve told me they’re planning to read Suzanne Finnamore’s “Otherwise Engaged”, and if I’m honest, I’m currently undergoing a bit of recommender’s remorse, because WHAT IF YOU HATE IT? What if you hate HER, and hate ME for wasting your time? It’s totally possible, and then I’ll feel like a total shit. Except when I really think about it, I don’t see HOW it’s possible, because I love her so. But I do need to reiterate: we’re talking CHICK LIT here. Do not look for the Pulitzer. (She’s brilliant nonetheless.)

I feel compelled to say that I have the most riding on TwoBusy, who I believe purchased it for a loved one, and I made the grave error of recommending the film Danny Deckchair to him a while back, to which he succinctly responded a few weeks later, “It bored me to tears. I’m sorry.” Admittedly, my love for the film may have stemmed from my unnaturally strong girl-crush on Miranda Otto. It all started with Eowyn. I know. But she’s so hot! SO hot!

Moving on. One of the strange quirks of my small town is that despite the absence of any store that sells appliances or microwaves — or really, any mass-market commerce whatsoever — there is a TJ Maxx. And a Fashion Bug. Seriously, when was the last time you were in a Fashion Bug? They carry Gitano! Do you remember Gitano? I don’t think I’ve SEEN a Fashion Bug in about ten years. And yet, this combination is common in Vermont, along with Olympia Sports, which is equally perplexing. Surprisingly, I’ve seen at least three shopping complexes with this precise make up of stores. Worse? I uh, have picked up a few things at Fashion Bug. Yes, yes, plain T-shirts and the like and maybe a pair of earrings and FINE. A SWEATSHIRT. But they are NOT THAT BAD, and I promise, none of them are synthetic, applique’d or embroidered. I SWEAR. Just don’t tell anyone, okay? Remember, I DO NOT HAVE TARGET, YOU LUCKY DUCKS.

(But uh, the sweatshirt is Gitano. Look, I know.)

After perusing both stores today, I also think it’s safe to say that there is a bit of an absurd proliferation of hoods out there. Unnecessary hoods, I might add. It’s like someone, somewhere decided that a hood is a convenient way to freshen a tired look, and I’m not okay with this at all. I am only down with the hood if it is FUNCTIONAL in some way, like a sweater or a sweatshirt — you know, an item that you wear in weather where a hood would be quite handy, indeed. I feel quite strongly that a hood should NEVER be on anything sleeveless. Dude, if it’s cold enough to merit a HOOD, then it is certainly wrong to offer it sans sleeves. This dovetails with my well-documented vest aversion, because I don’t know about you, but when I’m out in cold weather, my arms are the first thing to get cold. So tell me, why the vests? Why SO MANY vests, in anything from Polartec to down? I don’t get it. MY ARMS GET COLD.

(Vermont has a lot of vests. Patagonia vests, in fact. This may be a stereotype, but in my experience, it’s true.)

I feel the same way about visors, incidentally. I LOATHE the visor. I don’t like the the top of your head is just floating out there, exposed to the elements. It doesn’t save your hair! It gives you partial hat head anyway! It’s STUPID. I don’t CARE if you’re a golfer!

Oh my hell, you know, there’s more I wanted to write — I intended to talk about more than vests, visors and bad movie recs, but you know what? Do you want to know what JUST HAPPENED TO ME? My dog climbed up on the back of the couch and started barking at her own reflection. She barked so hard that, in fact, she farted in my face. This is not unusual, I’m sorry to say — she’s a pug — and after all, it dissipates and we all move on. What IS unusual, however, is the fact that honest to bloody GOD, she just sprayed — and I really mean sprayed – THE ENTIRE CONTENTS of her ANAL GLANDS all over me. And the couch. I thought it was some kind of ARTERIAL GUSH (it’s uh, reddish) and then, oh my God, I realized what happened. Yes, I am finishing this post with ANAL-GLANDY HANDS. AND SHIRT. AND FACE. YES, FACE. AND GLASSES.

GOTTA RUN.

GHAWRHGTHHEGAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.

(Edited to add later: ALL CLEANED UP. BLARGH. Also, unrelated, thank you for the Goodreads friending, my friends! If you’re out there, feel free to friend me, for I have become addicted, and I love reading your reviews. It’s so useful! I’m Jonniker there, too. And, incidentally, that is also my AIM handle, not that you needed to know. But it is. And it’s a handle for almost everything else that requires … handling. So if you see a Jonniker out there on something, it is very likely me. Unless you don’t like what she’s saying, in which case it’s TOTALLY SOMEONE ELSE, and wow, what a bitch she is, huh?)

*The Pet Shop Boys

37 comments April 23rd, 2008