Left to My Own Devices
April 23rd, 2008
Can I tell you how much I loved reading all of your responses? You’re all so interesting and diverse and I loved how honest you were — in particular, I loved those of you who admitted that you were, indeed, The Man Himself. HA. But really, I loved it, and it might be one of my favorite comment sections ever — here or anywhere else, and God knows it’s hard competing with yourself — and I mean you, not me, for I had nothing to do with it — because you all rule every day. So thank you.
Separately, I’m a little scared at the amount of people (read: more than one) who’ve told me they’re planning to read Suzanne Finnamore’s “Otherwise Engaged”, and if I’m honest, I’m currently undergoing a bit of recommender’s remorse, because WHAT IF YOU HATE IT? What if you hate HER, and hate ME for wasting your time? It’s totally possible, and then I’ll feel like a total shit. Except when I really think about it, I don’t see HOW it’s possible, because I love her so. But I do need to reiterate: we’re talking CHICK LIT here. Do not look for the Pulitzer. (She’s brilliant nonetheless.)
I feel compelled to say that I have the most riding on TwoBusy, who I believe purchased it for a loved one, and I made the grave error of recommending the film Danny Deckchair to him a while back, to which he succinctly responded a few weeks later, “It bored me to tears. I’m sorry.” Admittedly, my love for the film may have stemmed from my unnaturally strong girl-crush on Miranda Otto. It all started with Eowyn. I know. But she’s so hot! SO hot!
Moving on. One of the strange quirks of my small town is that despite the absence of any store that sells appliances or microwaves — or really, any mass-market commerce whatsoever — there is a TJ Maxx. And a Fashion Bug. Seriously, when was the last time you were in a Fashion Bug? They carry Gitano! Do you remember Gitano? I don’t think I’ve SEEN a Fashion Bug in about ten years. And yet, this combination is common in Vermont, along with Olympia Sports, which is equally perplexing. Surprisingly, I’ve seen at least three shopping complexes with this precise make up of stores. Worse? I uh, have picked up a few things at Fashion Bug. Yes, yes, plain T-shirts and the like and maybe a pair of earrings and FINE. A SWEATSHIRT. But they are NOT THAT BAD, and I promise, none of them are synthetic, applique’d or embroidered. I SWEAR. Just don’t tell anyone, okay? Remember, I DO NOT HAVE TARGET, YOU LUCKY DUCKS.
(But uh, the sweatshirt is Gitano. Look, I know.)
After perusing both stores today, I also think it’s safe to say that there is a bit of an absurd proliferation of hoods out there. Unnecessary hoods, I might add. It’s like someone, somewhere decided that a hood is a convenient way to freshen a tired look, and I’m not okay with this at all. I am only down with the hood if it is FUNCTIONAL in some way, like a sweater or a sweatshirt — you know, an item that you wear in weather where a hood would be quite handy, indeed. I feel quite strongly that a hood should NEVER be on anything sleeveless. Dude, if it’s cold enough to merit a HOOD, then it is certainly wrong to offer it sans sleeves. This dovetails with my well-documented vest aversion, because I don’t know about you, but when I’m out in cold weather, my arms are the first thing to get cold. So tell me, why the vests? Why SO MANY vests, in anything from Polartec to down? I don’t get it. MY ARMS GET COLD.
(Vermont has a lot of vests. Patagonia vests, in fact. This may be a stereotype, but in my experience, it’s true.)
I feel the same way about visors, incidentally. I LOATHE the visor. I don’t like the the top of your head is just floating out there, exposed to the elements. It doesn’t save your hair! It gives you partial hat head anyway! It’s STUPID. I don’t CARE if you’re a golfer!
Oh my hell, you know, there’s more I wanted to write — I intended to talk about more than vests, visors and bad movie recs, but you know what? Do you want to know what JUST HAPPENED TO ME? My dog climbed up on the back of the couch and started barking at her own reflection. She barked so hard that, in fact, she farted in my face. This is not unusual, I’m sorry to say — she’s a pug — and after all, it dissipates and we all move on. What IS unusual, however, is the fact that honest to bloody GOD, she just sprayed — and I really mean sprayed – THE ENTIRE CONTENTS of her ANAL GLANDS all over me. And the couch. I thought it was some kind of ARTERIAL GUSH (it’s uh, reddish) and then, oh my God, I realized what happened. Yes, I am finishing this post with ANAL-GLANDY HANDS. AND SHIRT. AND FACE. YES, FACE. AND GLASSES.
GOTTA RUN.
GHAWRHGTHHEGAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.
(Edited to add later: ALL CLEANED UP. BLARGH. Also, unrelated, thank you for the Goodreads friending, my friends! If you’re out there, feel free to friend me, for I have become addicted, and I love reading your reviews. It’s so useful! I’m Jonniker there, too. And, incidentally, that is also my AIM handle, not that you needed to know. But it is. And it’s a handle for almost everything else that requires … handling. So if you see a Jonniker out there on something, it is very likely me. Unless you don’t like what she’s saying, in which case it’s TOTALLY SOMEONE ELSE, and wow, what a bitch she is, huh?)
*The Pet Shop Boys
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
37 Comments Add your own
1. mar | April 23rd, 2008 at 5:02 pm
ew, ew, ew! you know you’ve totally turned me off getting a puppy?
i think i had a vest, way back in the early 90s. it was not flattering & it was merely for um, fashion.
and i believe i had a pair of frosted, stretch denim with black lace side panels from fashion bug. seriously i thought these were cool when i was 13. why?!?! why!???
2. Allison | April 23rd, 2008 at 5:42 pm
We have a Fashion Bug here in my little town too. I’ve never been in though. Gitano, huh? I didn’t know that was even still around.
I hate visors too but I wear one at the beach. It’s somehow cooler than a hat. Temperature-wise, at least.
3. Shelly | April 23rd, 2008 at 6:07 pm
I, too, hate HOODS. I know ‘hoodies’ are all the rage–I even own one–GO JAYS–I won it at a ‘mom’s night out’ which was a presentation from the high school football coaches to us poor, uninformed moms. I don’t like them on coats, or any other article of clothing. They are BULKY, and the fact my hair is long-ish (shoulder length) it gets all wadded up in my HAIR, and around my NECK and I feel all CUMBERSOME.
I missed the Gitano rage…sort of….I went from Levi’s with the white patch on the butt in the late 70′s, early 80′s, to SERGIO VALENTE and CHIC…….oh….oh….and GLORIA VANDERBILT. Clothing and cologne. Crap that stuff stinks. Someone in my office wears it still……..and speaking of crap that stinks, I actually saw the bubble pink bottles of LOVES BABY SOFT at Wal Mart this past weekend.
To ease your mind, so far, I LOVE “Otherwise Engaged”. She writes like I WISH I could……she’s sharp, edgy and funny–and insightful, and just GOOD. As if your mind will be eased by ME liking the book. I’m only ONE of the many that took your recommendation….but you know….the world revolves around ME….so therefore, it SHOULD ease your mind…..haha
Anal Glands. Hmmmm……we’ve had dogs for 19 years (of one breed of mutt or another) and Anal Glands have never been an issue….our shepard/lab mix scooted sometimes…..but so far, no expulsion of anal fluid, or even noticing the NEED to have them emptied (by professionals–or my husband). Please don’t let this jinx me……My dog, Copper, WAS all hunched in the yard earlier this evening….you know how they look when they doo……and he kept it up, and looking at his own butt…..I finally realized he must have a dingleberry stuck that wouldn’t detach……it was funny, actually……but you’d better BELIEVE I checked under the tail before he graced the house again. blech.
Ok, I sort of feel like your comments is my second blog…..I end up wishing I’d not have commented about topics and instead BLOGGED about them……oh well.
Another thing, I have caught MANY a spelling error in my comments to you….and it motifies me that I do such stupid stuff in an EDITOR’S blog…….so, sorry for the oopses—-I type too fast (trying to keep up with my brain) and I miss alot of spelling….so just to quantify….I CAN spell, I just sometimes miss the keys.
4. Lawyerish | April 23rd, 2008 at 6:12 pm
GITANO. OMG.
No idea Fashion Bug was still around. Will you be shopping at a Dress Barn as well?
Also, I wear visors when I run in the summer, because it IS cooler than a hat. Ah, yeah, temperature-wise, I mean.
5. Susan | April 23rd, 2008 at 6:16 pm
I checked out “Otherwise Engaged” from my local library today. It’s hard to ignore something that’s been so highly praised- and I usually enjoy chick lit. If I don’t like it, I won’t hold it against you.
6. jonniker | April 23rd, 2008 at 6:16 pm
Shelly, it DOES ease my mind! SO MUCH. IT DOES. THANK YOU.
7. Danell | April 23rd, 2008 at 6:23 pm
There are no Targets or any similar (even though the “similars” are inferior) stores in my town either. But…BUT…there are no less than four auto parts stores and a BRAND SPANKING NEW Fashion Bug…which just opened in a space which was previously occupied by an auto parts store.
And for Sunny and her little stinky tush:
If she isn’t on any special diets for allergies or anything like that, might I make a suggestion? Try adding a teaspoon or so of unflavored, powdered Metamucil to her food. Of course, if she has a particularly sensitive stomach, discontinue it if she vomits or gets diarrhea. The theory being that Metamucil will cause her stool to be a bit, uh…bulkier. We want a bulkier stool which will press on the anal sacs while she’s pooping and express them naturally. Doesn’t always work, but is so benign that it’s worth trying just in case it works. Unless, of course, you’ve already tried it. In which case I should be minding my own business instead of your dog’s butt. But I would totally mind your dog’s butt if you wanted me to. (ohmygod…I swear I’m not crazy!)
8. jonniker | April 23rd, 2008 at 7:22 pm
Danell, I’m totally going to try that. Because as much as I love her, I do NOT enjoy getting sprayed with her … junk. Thank you!
(PS, I also love how you said “We” want a bulkier stool. Like you’re totally in this with me. Love it.)
9. Mandee | April 23rd, 2008 at 7:32 pm
Sorry about the anal glands. There’s not a whole lot worse than that (and I’ve had vets tell me the same thing as Danell about the metamucil. Sadly, it was of no help here).
How about Cato? When you buys something at Cato, I may worry.
10. K | April 23rd, 2008 at 7:50 pm
I’m almost ashamed to admit that I have a fleece vest or two. One is Patagonia (from 10 yrs ago in college I think?) and one I bought at an American Cancer Society Breast Cancer walk 2 years ago. I love that one. In college (UPSTATE NY – and I mean 20 minutes to Canada upstate), I was always too cold for them.
Now, they are perfect for mornings in April though (well – usually). It’s cool in the morning (here in Boston), but I have long sleeves on so my arms don’t get cold (and I’m a COLD person).
Anyway, that was a lot for my take on vests BUT I hate hoods on sleeveless things and visors are for old golfers and ladies in FL!
My sister is a vet. I will try to remember to ask her about anal glands.
11. K | April 23rd, 2008 at 7:56 pm
Duh. Feeling a little stupid now as I am reading backward and just read in the comments from the last post that Danell is a vet, so asking my sister probably won’t help much.
Sorry. (Thanking God I don’t have a dog right now – the baby squirrels in my chimney and dead skunk stink under my floorboards are more than enough!)
12. jen | April 23rd, 2008 at 9:08 pm
Ha, I think when I wear either of my TWO vests, it makes me feel like I am in Vermont, even though I live in a place where it rarely gets below 60. According to Stuff White People Like, we honkeys are magnetically drawn to outdoor performance wear, including said vests.
I think we need to see pics to decide if you have totally gone off the deep end in purchasing items from Fashion Bug. I’m keeping an open mind, though!
13. Mauigirl52 | April 23rd, 2008 at 9:10 pm
I am not into the hood thing either – I totally relate. Many a time I’ve seen a top and thought it was cute, only to find it had a hood, and I immediately put it back. What is the point of wearing a shirt indoors with a HOOD?
Anal glands…ugh….you poor thing! Our dog occasionally lets them loose if she’s startled by something and PHEW does it stink. Do you have them “expressed” periodically? I find that when we do this she is less apt to have those incidents. The vet offered to teach me how to do it. I said no, it is worth every penny to have her do it for us!
14. Christine | April 23rd, 2008 at 10:06 pm
Um, I am so sorry about the anal glands thing. Also Fashion Bug. Which is where the secretary shops with great frequency. Indeed she and her sister may be keeping them afloat in our little corner of the world.
(Also, unrelated, but after your “I’m not the Man” post I’ve had the Flight of the Conchords “Think about it” song stuck in my head for the line, “Am I a man? Well Yes, technically I am.” Also, I’m up at 2am writing continuing legal education homework, and I am certainly rambling. In any case, check it out: Flight of the Conchords
15. Christine | April 23rd, 2008 at 10:07 pm
OH, end paragraph. GAH. I don’t have hopes for my CLE homework.
16. Desha | April 24th, 2008 at 12:43 am
Ha! I too am having puppy (or at least pug/upturned tail breeds) trauma! Omg splattered…ass-juice? Eeeeeek! But I know, she’s so cute you’ve forgiven her already. (almost) I too hate visors, vests, hoods without sleeves (most hoods with sleeves) – and we could add a few other things to that list as well.
have not read Zygote Chronicles yet but will likely browse by soon. Had to refer to you in my last post.
17. Robin | April 24th, 2008 at 3:25 am
Oh man I am so with you on the hoods thing. In stores I am constantly asking myself WHY on earth there is a hood on this otherwise cute (lightweight, summer) t-shirt. Really no one should go about wearing a hood unless it is freezing (in which case one is not wearing a lightweight shirt) or unless one is a hoodlum. (Whoa, is that where the word hoodlum comes from?)
18. Kristin H | April 24th, 2008 at 4:46 am
Here’s me, reading this post this morning.
(thinking): Yay! New Jonniker. Hmmm, I’m sure I’ll love Otherwise Engaged. Hmm, Danny Deckchair. Never heard of it. Fashion Bug! Too funny, 6th grade. Hoods, hate ‘em. Visors, never gave much thought to….OMFG ANAL GLANDS CAN SPRAY YOU???? Abort reading! Abort! Abort! Abort! Woop! Woop! Woop!
(quickly turns to desk and pretends to work while furiously trying to erase reddish goo image from mind)
19. Jen | April 24th, 2008 at 4:58 am
I think your comments about anal glands may be exactly the reason we may never get a dog. I cannot handle discussions of releasing and spraying and OHMYGOD. I did, however, laugh out loud at my desk, so thank you for that.
I’ve only read a few pages of Otherwise Engaged (still trying to finish another one first) and loved her writing style, so I think you’re spot on with your recommendation.
Also, we have a Fashion Bug here, and I have to admit that they had a lovely selection of (cheap!) flats this fall/winter.
20. Shelly | April 24th, 2008 at 5:06 am
Mandee….I shopt at CATO—-it’s an awesome place to pick up a top for $7.99. Can’t wear the pants because they are TOO LONG, and it’s one of the few places that have trendy-ish looking things for large people. Now…….they can have some HO-Bag stuff, but I just don’t buy it, unless I’m going for that look……:)
21. jonniker | April 24th, 2008 at 5:11 am
HAAA. Okay, the T-shirts, honestly, are PLAIN. PLAIN COTTON WORKOUT TS.
And the sweatshirt is a black hooded zip-up number. Also plain. But I couldn’t pass them up, as they were $7.99 each.
22. TwoBusy | April 24th, 2008 at 5:18 am
TheWife seemed happy when I gave her the Finnamore books (as well as a Jen Lancaster), but we’ll see how it all shakes out.
We’re still a little gun-shy after… Deckchair.
(shaking fist angrily)
23. Sadie | April 24th, 2008 at 5:55 am
Your blog was the first place I ever read about expressing dogs’ anal glands, and I was suddenly panic-stricken at the idea that maybe I should be having this done for my dog and I’ve neglected him for years…and then I learned it’s only certain breeds that have this disgusting leakage issue…which forces me to inquire why ANYONE would ever WANT a pug. I mean, cute aside, your dog’s ass intermittently EXPLODES oily juice on you, HELLO. (Though, I guess you’ll be well-prepared for parenthood then, won’t you?)
My mom loves Fashion Bug. Because sometimes they send her coupons.
24. Suniverse | April 24th, 2008 at 6:02 am
O.K., disgusting with the dog, but I had to jump in and say: VISORS ARE the DEVIL.
My husband loves them. LOVES them. And you’d think that someone who is (and I say this with love) balding on top would want a head ornament that would keep ALL of his head from getting sunburned. I just don’t understand.
25. Danielle | April 24th, 2008 at 6:20 am
Yeah, um… I own Gitano shoes from Fashion Bug. And someone asked me yesterday where I got them, and I LIED! I LIED! I said Macys!
I am shamed.
26. Lawyerish | April 24th, 2008 at 6:29 am
CATO.
(Thank you, Mandee!)
See also: Deb, Brooks, Lerner, and the Crate. The mall stores of my youth.
Also, my feelings about sleeveless turtlenecks are the same as yours re: sleeveless hoodies. Pick a season, shirt!
27. Jamie | April 24th, 2008 at 7:04 am
ohhh, how i commiserate with you on the anal juice explosion. i have to get doc taken in every other month to get expressed just so disasters like yours don’t occur regularly.
sending clorox and purell your way…
28. Erin | April 24th, 2008 at 7:50 am
I am going to pretend I didn’t read about your dog’s anal excretions and just focus on the ridiculousness of the hoods. I also find this incredibly nuts. You know what is worse though? The sleeveless turtleneck. WTF is up with the sleeveless turtleneck? If your neck is cold why are your arms warm? What is wrong with you?
29. Jeanne | April 24th, 2008 at 8:47 am
I’ve never had a dog, so your anal gland story wa an eye opener for me. It’s amazing the things we’re willing to deal with for the sake of the little critters in our lives (pets and kids)!
I plan to start reading Otherwise Engaged this afternoon. I was a little leery of your recommendation after I had la bit less of a love for Winter’s Tale than you did, but I just finished reading Prep and that one kept me enthralled.
Hoods should only be found on outerwear. Visors are understandable for people playing tennis or otherwise working up a sweat, but shouldn’t be worn casually by anyone else.
We have a Fashion Bug in our town too. It’s in the strip mall with Kmart, the Dollar store, a discount grocery and Cost Cutters. I usually go there for summer tank tops and such. The price can’t be beat, and I don’t tend to hang on to those items past the season. I loved Gitano back in the day.
Jeanne
30. Raven | April 24th, 2008 at 9:10 am
*snort*
I would have a comment but I am alternately laughing, snorting and gagging over here.
31. Jess | April 24th, 2008 at 9:11 am
I agree on the vests, but I like visors. I swear I have a good reason, though. I have all this curly hair and it looks terrible loose under either a visor or a hat, so I have to wear it up. And I have SO MUCH hair that it is basically impossible to make a ponytail that fits through the little gap in the back of the hat and looks good. With a visor, I have much more flexibility.
And yes, I have thought about this in serious depth.
32. Suebob | April 24th, 2008 at 10:27 am
Eeeeeeew. I think I have mentioned that I got Miss Goldie’s butt glands removed and it was a really good decision. Turns out hers were malformed, so it was either a visit to the vet every 6 weeks for life OR a simple surgery…
33. Meagan Francis | April 24th, 2008 at 11:20 am
I think this is the first time ever that I’ve read the words “anal glands” and “sprayed” together in a blog post.
Actually, it’s the first time I’ve seen “anal glands” in a blog at all.
Congratulations?
34. Andrea | April 24th, 2008 at 12:41 pm
Uh, I was happily reading along and identifying with your recommender’s remorse (I get that too! I thought I was the only one) and thinking about buying something Suzanne Finnamore wrote, and then about the vests (YES! But I think it would be nice to wear one indoors, where it’s sorta chilly, but a full blown jacket or heavy sweater might be too much) and then BAM!
Anal gland spray.
I think I just lost it. I don’t know whether to laugh about it or cry for you or just point and snicker or run to get the bleach. And the only reason I want to laugh is the vision of your dog barking so vehemently that she not only farted, but sprayed.
Here, have a paper towel on your way to the shower.
35. Carolyn J. | April 24th, 2008 at 5:06 pm
I buy hundreds of hoodies a day at my job, and after trying one I will never own one. I feel like the Hunchback of Notre Dame at the best of times – why would I need to intensify that?
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