Relax
April 24th, 2008
I was without Internet for the entire day today, and if you thought that this meant that I would be more productive, as I did, then oh, you would be so very wrong. I felt creepily paralyzed, like someone had lopped off my fingers at the knuckle, and I suddenly had to learn to type with nubs. (HA. I said NUB.) Possible, yes; easy, not so much. Generally speaking, although I can get sucked into the Internet Vortex of Nowhere, I am not wretchedly addicted or neglecting my normal life — or so I thought — and there I was, all PANICKED. PANICKED. RED ALERT! LASERS! PEW! PEW! PEW!
I meant to add yesterday, before getting ass-juice splayed all over me, that there should be a giant sign in TJ Maxx to politely request customers to please, DO NOT BRING THEIR CART into the narrow aisles. Must you bring the cart into the eighteen inch space of Misses Tops? Can you not CHOOSE a Misses Top without bringing your cart through and blocking the rest of us out of the Michael Kors past seasons and irregulars so that you can pick up your crocheted Tahari poncho? Or worse, you trap us between two carts with nothing to do but peruse blouses that contain far too many strings and idly wondering, where would I tie that? Do I WANT to tie that? WHY ALL THE STRINGS? (No, seriously, why the strings at the waist? Why?). Park the cart, yes, PARK the cart and THEN shop. Yes, see how easy it is! Easy!
We’re off to Boston this weekend for In-Law Fest ’08, and though I am looking forward to seeing our Newton and Needham relatives, I am most looking forward to the Chinese food. Do you know Boston Chinese food? It is an entirely different BREED of Chinese food, unlike anything you’ve ever tasted. You think you’ve had Chinese food! I know! We’ve ALL had Chinese food! But until you’ve had a pu pu platter from South Pacific in Newton, then you haven’t had delicious, greasy Boston-style Chinese. Well, there are others that will do as well, but South Pacific is my personal favorite. Get a scorpion bowl while you’re there, too, which is something that I’d like to partake in, during I-L Fest (or, you know, TWENTY), but won’t.
(I kid, for they are really lovely people.)
And finally, a friend and I went to yoga this afternoon and in addition to vast amounts of Yoga Brain, wherein I was entirely unable to know my right from left or even that hey, if I put my mat underneath a giant half-wall WINDOW, then I won’t be able to use the wall like the teacher ASKED ME TO. But most importantly, I finally had a witness to the insanity that is my yoga studio, with chanting and overgrown armpits and passive-aggressive yogic-ness (“Everyone, please go deeper into your hip stretch. Especially if your name is say … Jonna!” No kidding. She said that.)
But the real coup de grace in our tenuous yogic sobriety was when the teacher’s six-year-old daughter came launching in during our final .. shivasa? Shibasa? Whatever: CORPSE POSE PLUS CHANTING SHIT, and went to the bathroom, wherein we oh’med our way through a solid three minutes of this poor girl’s resounding pee — seriously, it went on FOREVER — while her mother, clearly distracted, as we all were (BY THE FOREVER PEE, seriously was she a CAMEL?), tried to chant about the light in her bowing to the light in me and then there was the TOILET FLUSH that was honestly the loudest thing I have ever heard, and let’s just say I wasn’t particularly relaxed. Like, at all.
And I. Lost. It. I lost it! The chanting! The peeing! The flushing! The fact that while all this was happening, I was strapped in, yet again, to the most ridiculous pose that involved my knees and elbows intertwined in this purple strap-like thing with blocks and blankets and bears, oh my! I honestly broke out in that kind of nasal horking laughter that comes through your nose like you’ve inhaled too much chlorine — when you’re trying to hold it in but can’t — until I snotted all over myself, which only made me laugh harder, I’m sorry to say. And also slightly slimy and unable to give it a proper swipe due to the strappiness of the whole strappy contraption.
It’s possible I might not be allowed back. I’m not sure. I mean, considering I surreptitiously horked and snickered my way through the yoga teacher’s daughter’s pee, I can’t say I blame her. (Note: the daughter did not see any of this, and I have to say, that naturally, it wasn’t her fault, for who knew it would ECHO so? It was just … well, you try relaxing and oh’ming while someone is basically peeing in your ear. Also, why didn’t the teacher tell her to wait? She had to know its echoey properties!)
And with that, I hope you have a wonderful weekend. If you’re in Newton tomorrow night, and you see a (totally fake) redhead in South Pacific, it’s probably me, unless she’s clearly got a wash ‘n set, in which case it is Adam’s Auntie Izzy.
(Also, dude, Lost: WTF? WTFFFFFFEEEECCCKKK?)
*Frankie Goes to Hollywood, of COURSE
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
18 Comments Add your own
1. Jess | April 25th, 2008 at 5:12 am
I miss good Chinese food SO MUCH. It just doesn’t seem to exist in DC. In Massachusetts (not Boston, granted, but still), there were like THREE delicious Chinese places RIGHT DOWN THE STREET.
I am jealous, is my point. Enjoy it enough for both of us, please.
2. Sadie | April 25th, 2008 at 5:23 am
‘crocheted Tahari poncho’ *snort*
and why is it that, when shopping at Marshalls or TJ Maxx, I always manage to reach for the one item, in a sea of $12.99 polyester blends and vinyl handbags with pop rivets, that is $180? Maybe that’s the only thing I can reach when I am trapped in an aisle between two shopping carts.
Mmmmm, Boston Chinese food. Enjoy!
3. Raven | April 25th, 2008 at 5:32 am
1) Your post made me somehow ache for a scorpion bowl and seriously, who does that?
2) I am so laughing my ass off over the yoga images.
4. WorstBloggerEva | April 25th, 2008 at 7:47 am
Dude, this woman i worked with called ME a camel the other day after we were in the bathroom together at the same time… I mean I know my husband jokes that I pee for a long time, but it was quite amusing to leave the stall to face this lovely woman who was AGHAST at the amount of peeing i did in one…ummm…sitting. She then proceeded to follow me back to my cube to ask me about my water drinking habits. I think she was impressed….meanwhile I was slightly horrified to be called out on my camel status. Now everytime she chats with me she talks about my water drinking and “how she read an article that says, blah, blah blah.” I think I need to find something new to bond with her about before this gets out of hand…
5. Mandee | April 25th, 2008 at 10:01 am
I think I’ll make copies of this and distribute it during my next visit to TJ Maxx.
Travel safely.
6. Jen | April 25th, 2008 at 10:20 am
“echoey properties!” Man, you’ve managed to get me to do a snarfy sort of lauhg every day here in the ol’ cubicle.
I am always a little embarrassed if I pee too long in the bathrooms at work. They really need to play music in there.
7. cassidy | April 25th, 2008 at 10:37 am
I always have this stifling laughter problem in church. It’s so bad. It ends up coming out louder and more awkward than if you had just LAUGHED IN THE FIRST PLACE. And the snot! Oh the snot. So uncomfortable
8. vague | April 25th, 2008 at 11:05 am
Oh, god, I ran away in shame after a similar bout of laughter in a yoga class a couple of years ago. In my defense, it was a Kundalini yoga class, the kind with the rapid breathing, which I had not been expected. The overwhelming hippy smell combined with the heavy breathing and rocking back and forth were JUST TOO MUCH, I tell you. Just when I had finally gotten it all under control, my friend started laughing, and we just couldn’t stop. I was so completely mortified. I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t have let us come back (not that we wanted to, at that point).
Also, you have given me a major jones (Jones?) for Chinese food…will have to take care of that as soon as possible.
9. H | April 25th, 2008 at 12:47 pm
OH, marathon pee and the giggles. My daughter, when she was too young to go alone, was in a public restroom stall with me while I proceeded to pee forever. First, she smiled, then she giggled, then I got the giggles and we ended up laughing our heads off in the stall while I continued to go and go and go…
Enjoy the weekend!
10. Andrea | April 25th, 2008 at 1:10 pm
If she went for that long, even if her mom had told her to wait, she probably couldn’t have.
Poor girl.
Poor you, stuck in that pose with snot on yourself. But I laughed. You write comedy gold, woman.
11. Heather | April 26th, 2008 at 4:51 am
Oh the stereotypical reactions we women with bladders from Hell evoke; camel, racehorse, Niagara falls. My hubby after nearly seven years is finally resigned to the fact that he’s married to the urinary equivalent of a spigot someone mistakenly left in the “on” position, but how to tell it to a group of kindergarten age children?
I took my daughter and three other girls to the movies and afterward had to visit the restroom. As I was taking a pee the length of which would have put that yoga teacher’s kid to shame, my daughter and her friends were patiently waiting outside my stall for me to finally finish emptying the ocean that is my bladder. After an interminable period of time one little girl said to the other, “no-one can wee-wee longer in the whole world than her Mommy.”
That’s embarrassment.
12. Jamie | April 26th, 2008 at 10:02 am
Oh my gosh, I feel like I stumbled upon a long lost group of sisters by some of your postings. When I pee, it’s like I haven’t peed in ten years. I’ve battled my weight my entirely life, and several years ago I got into a good habit of drinking tons of water each day. It really has helped to curb my appetite, and I’ve tried to take heed of those who rightfully say that sometimes when the body feels hungry, it really is just dehydrated. All the water combined with a God-given enormous bladder has left me nothing short of a freakshow in the bathroom. Countless women have entered the restroom, attended to their needs, washed and left with me still peeing away like I’m never going to stop. It can get really embarrassing. It’s amazing how many strangers will engage me when I’m finally done, usually with an odd compliment of something like “oh how I wish I had your bladder.”
While strangers are one thing, going to the restroom while at work has led to a completely different level of embarrassment. There’s this one woman in particular, very sweet and bubbly, who has self-proclaimed TBS, or “tiny bladder syndrome”. Consequently, she’s always going to the bathroom, and quite a few times will come in while I’m going and waits for me to finish after she’s done. She’s overall a great coworker, but she likes to talk about how long I pee a little to often and loudly for my taste. One day, we both got stuck in a meeting with corporate, and when it finally ended, we both made a beeline for the bathrooms. I had to go so badly, so talk about a marathon pee! I’ve no idea how long I went, but when I felt I should be finishing and yet still kept going, my cheeks started to flush. When I finally was done (felt like hours later–I don’t think I’ve peed THAT long before!), my coworker (Sherry) just stared at me with her mouth gaping! When she could finally speak, she threatened to call the Guinness Book of Records, because she’s convinced I now hold the title for the longest pee ever. That was a pretty mortifying moment.
13. Carolyn J. | April 26th, 2008 at 6:13 pm
1. High bladder volume is a good thing!
2. If you expect people to be civilized when maneuvering a shopping cart, you will be disappointed.
3. I can’t do yoga in public because of the combination of laughing, swearing and farting that goes with it – and that’s just me I’m talking about.
14. Miss Cee | April 27th, 2008 at 4:48 pm
Oh my god. That is hilarious. Although I’m a bit disturbed that you were strapped in while in shavasana. Is this perhaps a special Torture Yoga Class? With the echoey peeing as a variety of water torture?
15. Style Bard | April 28th, 2008 at 6:59 am
TJ Maxx: first of all, loooove. Second, I think it’s the syndrome my mother has about shopping carts where you CAN’T LET GO or else… well, someone will steal your purse, naturally, and picking up or setting down the purse to wander an aisle is soooo much effort, and also, what if you take your purse but they steal your GROCERIES? The very ones YOU took down off the nearby shelf and chose to be YOURS? What then?? What if it’s the last medium sweater from the sale and it’s YOURS and there’s some sweater bandit who is just WAITING for you to walk between those petites racks so he can TAKE IT? …. that’s where that comes from, I just bet.
16. Jeanne | April 28th, 2008 at 9:13 am
At my house we reference Austin Powers during a marathon pee session, with comments of “Evacuation Complete” throughout. My duaghter can stop and start a dozen times while going, just like Austin after he was thawed out from his cryogenc freeze.
17. Mauigirl52 | April 28th, 2008 at 7:38 pm
I am literally laughing out loud about the yoga pee situation. And I hate those strap poses!
18. Young Girls Young Teens A&hellip | July 3rd, 2008 at 3:07 am
Young Girls Young Teens Angus Young…
I can not agree with you in 100% regarding some thoughts, but you got good point of view…
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