Kissing the Lipless
April 27th, 2008
Help! I’ve eaten my way through Massachusetts and I can no longer button my pants. No, ah, seriously. I mean, they fit now because they’ve grown with me, but when I wash them, and they’re all stiff and shrunken? I. Am. Toast. Buttered toast, to be exact, because I’ve had plenty of that, among other things, including coffee with actual cream, and when was the last time you did that?
(So good.)
I’ve taken the lowbrow Boston-area culinary tour, if you will, for I have eaten, in no particular order: the entire contents of a deep-fried pu pu platter, plus fried rice and lo mein (and plenty of that pink pork loin basted with Ah So sauce, which seems horribly racist in a Mickey Rooney/Breakfast at Tiffany’s sort of way, yes?); a caramelized onion cheeseburger at Joe’s on Newbury; nachos; incredibly delicious pizza from some mysterious Newton pizzeria and … I’ll stop there, as I’m getting hungry.
We’ve seen lots of family, but it’s never enough, really. It’s frustrating how that works, isn’t it? When you’re with them, it’s wonderful and you swear to see each other more often, but then you don’t, because you get too busy and because, well, you’re an idiot. Or at least I am, because I need to see everyone a lot more often. I have four delicious nephews growing like weeds and Adam’s grandpa won’t be around forever, which is a fact I steadfastly refuse to accept, for I love him so much I get teary eyed when I see him. I also touch him a lot and always go for two kisses at the end our time together, and I tell him I love him a whole lot, but the thing is, I do. A whole lot.
And hi ho! Speaking of lovely family, so during the pizza portion of our show on Saturday, Adam’s aunt took me aside into one of the back bedrooms of her home saying she “had to tell me something.” I really honest and truly had NO IDEA where she was going with this, and I never would have guessed if you paid me, like honestly, NEVER. She took my hands and blurted out:
“I … I found and read your blog.”
And let me tell you folks, I DIED. I nearly fell over. I turned bright red from my legs to my scalp and clapped my hand over my mouth and just DIED. There is nothing else to say, for once again, I AM DEAD.
And then she said she’s been wondering how to tell me (which is awful, I mean, why would she feel like it’s on HER to feel awkward? I SHOULD BE WEARING THE AWKWARD, NOT HER), and she was so complimentary and kind and said she was very proud of me and it was … it was really touching, I can’t explain it, and I was sort of choking back tears. Especially because I have always genuinely liked her so much (and I’m not just saying that because she’s reading. You’d like her, too), so it … it meant a lot, it really did. And then, because I am weirdly conditioned by what’s happened to so many bloggers who got busted by their families — especially their in-laws — I reflexively announced that I would NEVER write anything bad about anyone because I WOULD NOT DO THAT.
This is patently true, of course, and I have said this before, but what horrified me was that it seemed to imply that I had LOADS of awful things to say about her and her family, but was HOLDING THEM BACK FOR THE SAKE OF BLOGGY RESPECT. When THIS IS NOT TRUE. I love her whole family and I think she knows that, but if you’d heard me, you probably would have wondered what dark feelings I’ve been keeping a secret. Which is to say, none.
I am very smooth, you see.
This, by the way, is the same reaction I have when readers recognize me, something that’s happened all of twice, and once doesn’t count, really (it’s a long story). I go into SUPER-AWKWARD HAND-TALKY MODE, and though there are plenty who wonder, is she telling the truth about her awkwardness? Alert reader Stephanie in particular can vouch that yes, I really am that awkward, especially if caught off-guard. I also hug strangely and announce, “I’m hugging you!” as I hug you, which is terribly obvious and also too late to serve as a warning, because the hug is upon you, you cannot refuse.
Speaking of hugs, I also feel compelled to add that Adam’s cousin (son of aforementioned aunt) was the recipient of one of the most awkward hugs of my life a few years ago — so much that it’s affected how I hug him to this day. He leaned in for the hug, I thought he was going for the cheek kiss, and I ended up planting one right in the crook of his neck and worse, I had to point it out, like I was picking at a scab.
“Oh my God, I just kissed your neck. See, I thought you were going for the cheek, but you were hugging and … Oh.” This would have been less awkward if he wasn’t completely adorable and was instead, goofy and hump-backed, I don’t know why. I suppose because I didn’t want to seem like the lecherous older woman married to his cousin, no less, trying to kiss his neck when no one was looking, like some creepy cougar waiting to pounce. It was an ACCIDENT.
I haven’t outed myself to the whole family, by the way, for no good reason, really. I’m not really ashamed of anything here, and in fact, pretty much blurt these things out in real life to anyone. My mother, I’ve been meaning to tell for years, and I’ll be honest in that the only reason I haven’t, is that I know she’d worry. I come so close, and then I think of the questions and her worry that someone will beat me in my sleep with a frozen zucchini and run off with my dog. My mother won’t buy anything over the Internet, as she’s afraid that someone will steal her identity and take all of her money, so writing on the Internet, oh my sweet Lord, I don’t … I don’t know if she’s up for processing that without staying awake nights, but someday, I intend to find out.
Plus, doesn’t it feel awkward to bust out with, “I have a blog, please pass the potatoes!” at a family dinner? (For Keeps, with Molly Ringwald. Oh, I love that movie.)
There’s more, there’s always more, but I’ve tortured you enough, and I’m afraid this is terribly boring. Except I also want to say that if you happen to see someone rolling around New England in too-small pants — on her side, perhaps, like Violet heading to the juicing room — it’s me. And if I still have a cheese stick in my hand, would you be so kind as to cruelly rip it away from me and tell me to stop eating, to think of the CHILDREN or something? And then I’ll announce, “I’m hugging you!” while my fat sausage arms wind their way around your neck, which I will find a way to kiss, although that was not my intention. It’ll be fun.
Have a great Monday!
(P.S., It wasn’t a random find, to those who are harboring deep-seated panic of familial discovery. Adam’s other cousin (not the daughter of this aunt, but same side) has a family-known blog and has read me for years and linked to me, though I’d never thought about it much, but now that I do, it’s a total no-shitter. Like, um, of course? Do I have two brain cells to piece things together myself? APPARENTLY NOT. In other words, this will not necessarily happen to you. I know I’d be wondering if I were you and would be all, PANIC PANIC ALERT ALERT WOOP WOOP. And if it does happen to you, I hope it’s as pleasant as this was.)
*The Shins
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
21 Comments Add your own
1. Angella | April 27th, 2008 at 7:46 pm
My family, as well as my bat-shit insane inlaws? Read my site.
Awesome.
2. Camels & Chocolate | April 27th, 2008 at 7:54 pm
Hahahahahaha, well it’s good that you’re always so nice on your blog! My mom reads my blog, and then I found out that my boyfriend’s mom and aunt and sister and etc. etc. etc. are all regular readers, as well, (seriously, I hate lurkers who never comment because it’s like they’re spying on you without you knowing!), so I really had to keep it PG.
However, I made the eternal blogger mistake of insulting someone (by way of a good friend’s in-laws), all in good humor, after I was in the friend’s wedding and talked about how fun the whole shebang was despite the fact that the rehearsal dinner was dry and that at the fancy wedding? THERE WAS A CASH BAR. All because her in-laws were uber conservative, but oh wasn’t it just so funny that they were adamantly opposed to alcohol, but buying their 22-year-old daughter a shiny new pair of boobs for her wedding was completely acceptable?
Yeah, it was all my typical snark (I maintain that snark can be misconstrued for pretentiousness), but there’s no quicker way to lose a friend, it seems. Because one thing people, Southerners in particular, do not like to joke around about is weddings. But I thought in-laws were totally OK…wouldn’t you?
3. slynnro | April 27th, 2008 at 8:07 pm
I’m fairly certain I’ve been outed to my IL’s (though no one has ever made mention of it) after I foolishly commented on my sister in law’s blog and forgot to take the link to my site out of my comment. Oops.
4. Suebob | April 27th, 2008 at 9:39 pm
You are so charming that everyone MUST love you.
5. Danell | April 28th, 2008 at 4:34 am
I can’t imagine anyone finding you (and your little dog, too!) anything but awesome.
(Unless of course, in reality, you’re a big, fat, sweaty old man in dirty underpants masquerading online as a completely likeable young woman….which I suppose is possible but I prefer not to think about those sort of things.)
6. Shelly | April 28th, 2008 at 5:00 am
I am in a conundrum regarding blogging about family. My dad is very private and conservative. My mom knows about my blog and although is very religious, whereas I am not, still reads, bad words and all. I talk about my kids and husband, but not in HUGE detail….only here and there……but I WANT to blog….the good, bad and ugly, but the ‘what if’s’ rattle around in my brain.
I say this as if my blog is wildy popular. ha. Not so much. But a girl can dream!!
p.s. my inlaws call Creme Brulee ‘Cream Burly’–I kid you not. Every time I see the words Creme Brulee, my in-laws pop into my brain. Maybe that’s a conditioning response so I DON’T eat Cream Burly? who knows?
7. Style Bard | April 28th, 2008 at 6:37 am
Oh man… I can see how that’s terrifying without being threatening…
My family knows I have various writings online but not where to find them. I suspect some have found me and for others, it’s a matter of time… and while I’m not ashamed in the least, I’m not looking forward to finding out who falls into what category and when.
Except for my mother, who has exclusive access to most of my writing at all times and I have to twist her arm to read it at all, ever. But maybe because she can never remember the names or URLs. At least I can be sure she’s not going around chatting about it with my grandmother and family friends and the postman? I can see that comment now… “hi it’s your mom’s pool guy… nice blog… hope you come to visit soon. tell your dog I’m nice!!!”
8. Jess | April 28th, 2008 at 7:42 am
This is one crisis I’ve averted because my family knows about my blog and many of them read it regularly. I find it keeps me honest. And I can I just say that I’m a little bitter that you have a family-in-law that you like, unequivocally? Yeah, I’m bitter. For real.
Also, I’m hungry now. Thanks to you.
9. Val | April 28th, 2008 at 8:19 am
I used to have a blog until the world exploded around my husband’s job and some weird tekkie-spy started cyber stalking. But that’s a whole different story. Prior to that, I’m 99% sure my next-door neighbor (who is about 83 years old) found my blog. She used to stand in her window and stare at us as we would do the kind of things you do in a backyard, BBQ, garden, play with the dog, etc. Well one day I was annoyed with her constant watching, and made a snarky comment about it on my blog. And from that day forward she has kept her blinds in that particular window closed. I later found out she belongs to a Senior Citizens Computer Club, and wow, this story just got long and weird, but I KNOW she found me. I know she did. And part of me wants to apologize. And the other part is just glad she keeps her blinds closed.
And…I must comment on For Keeps with Molly Ringwald. I LOVED that movie. I wonder if I would love it as much as a 30 something as a I did as a teenager…
10. Raven | April 28th, 2008 at 8:30 am
I would totally be bitter that you have in-laws that you love but this story made me laugh so much that I can’t.
11. Inzaburbs | April 28th, 2008 at 9:21 am
I especially love the neck-kiss story!
It reminded me of being introduced for the first time to my husband’s uncle. I went to shake his hand but nobody had thought to warn me that he was missing a thumb…my hand snaked up his arm and I continued to smile politely at him, all the while shaking his upper arm .
But that is because I am cold. You, on the other hand, sound all warm and adorable and cuddly
…
12. jonniker | April 28th, 2008 at 10:20 am
Jess: I find that a husband, coworkers and friends who read here are plenty to keep me honest — although I’m not prone to dishonesty or misrepresentation anyway — I’ve always written as though anyone could find it and would find it (because, as we’ve all learned, they will). And it was probably the best thing ever to hear his aunt say that she was reminded that she’d found my site because some of the stories Adam and I were sharing seemed so … FAMILIAR. HA.
13. Shawna | April 28th, 2008 at 11:27 am
None of my family knows I have a blog. You’d think they might have clued in when I went to BlogHer last year, but no, they accepted my description of “a convention for people – women in particular – who write online” without asking “well, what do you write online?” I think they think I’m a wannabe writer who went to an event hoping to make connections so I’d be given the opportunity to write online, not that I actually do so now. Whew!
14. Shawna | April 28th, 2008 at 11:30 am
Oh, forgot to add: New England? Has the best pie. Filled with fruit rather than fruit-coloured glue, real hand-shaped crust, the works. Seriously, I found a diner in Portland, Maine that had TWO KINDS OF CHOCOLATE PIE ALONE! (Graham cracker or pastry crust.) Now THAT is taking your pie seriously.
15. -R- | April 28th, 2008 at 12:56 pm
I have told my sister about the blog, but she never reads it. And H has told two of his sisters about the blog, but they never read it either. Which I am happy about, actually. But it does keep me in check because every time I think about writing something mean, I remember that the sisters-in-law could possibly read it.
I love the story of your cougar incident – accidentally kissing Adam’s cousin. I love stories of other people’s awkwardness!
16. Mauigirl52 | April 28th, 2008 at 7:32 pm
Sounds like a wonderful trip to see your families. I love the story about your nephew and the neck-kiss – I do stuff like that all the time.
I know what you mean about feeling funny about some people reading your blog – I had started mine for several months before I told anybody. I finally told one of my closest friends the name of it and she started reading it and then I told a few more people… so there are a number of my friends reading but only one (the first one) ever comments on my blog. Usually my other friends just e-mail me and start off saying “I saw on your blog that…”
My relatives are all too old and computer illiterate to worry about them reading my blog! I’m glad your experience was so positive!
17. Mauigirl52 | April 28th, 2008 at 7:33 pm
Sorry, Adam’s cousin and neck-kiss, not nephew!
18. Heather B. | April 29th, 2008 at 3:56 am
My family likes to quote what I say in my blog back to me. It’s like being pinched ridiculously hard repeatedly because each and every time they read they feel like they HAVE to tell me. I know what I wrote, so thanks. Oh and my coworkers have read and that was the most awkward conversation because even when complimentary I still want to die. I’m not embarrassed or anything it’s just that I don’t want to talk about it. Ever. The end.
19. TwoBusy | April 29th, 2008 at 5:19 am
Inzaburbs — your story reminds me of the time I went to a business meeting and stuck out my hand to greet a bigwig I’d never met before… only to discover she was missing her right arm, and nobody had bothered to tell me.
Yeah, that was comfortable.
Jonniker — um… yeah. What Jess said.
20. Audrey | April 29th, 2008 at 10:10 am
I, too, am prone to Hugely Awkward Conversations. Once at a wedding I complimented the groom’s mom on how beautiful she looked. Which didn’t have to be awkward, but of course I made it that way when I said “You look so gorgeous, I didn’t even recognize you! I walked in and was all ‘who’s that beautiful woman?!’” As if to imply that every other time I’d seen her she was some big uggo (she’s not) and I was completely shocked to discover that she was capable of pulling off something resembling “beauty.” What a happy thought to leave with someone on the day of her son’s wedding!
Also, when I told my parents about my blog, it was really, really awkward. It went like this. Me: “So do you read blogs? . . . Because I have one. . . . And if you want to read it, you can.” Awkward pause. Them: “What’s a blog?” In hindsight, I made a way bigger deal out of it than I should have. Honestly, a simple email with a link would have sufficed.
21. Saundra29Mullins | May 30th, 2010 at 10:00 pm
I took my first loan when I was 32 and that helped my family very much. Nevertheless, I need the term loan also.
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