The Golden Hum
April 29th, 2008
Perhaps I’ve just read “Valley of the Dolls” a few too many times, but I’ll tell you, I found it utterly hilarious that the Store Formerly Known as Lerner New York has giant signs up that say, “The Caftan: The Season’s Must-Have.”
The CAFTAN? Honestly? Can’t we come up with something else to call it, as we did with bell-bottoms, which mysteriously became FLARE PANTS once past their prime? Because man, caftan just evokes images of Anne Welles whipping out a Mother’s Little Helper and sporting a flip-do with a lot of hairspray. Oh how I love that book and everything it represents (fluff fiction, absurd vicarious debauchery and … the caftan? I don’t know).
We’re home, by the way, and really, it’s so NICE to be back in our own beds, for we were like an ad for Hotels.com in my nephew’s room, all snuggled up in separate bunk beds (my nephew was relegated to the basement). Although can I confess that there’s something so delightfully awesome about having your own set of sheets and comforter? Adam and I share a king-size bed — I am decidedly NOT a snuggler, and I NEED MY SPACE. If he touches me, in fact, I freak out, because I need FREEDOM. I am also a hot sleeper, emanating sweat and heat in waves off of my prone, drenched body, so ah, snuggling with me isn’t exactly appealing.
A king works just fine for that, really it does, but where things go wrong is the sharing of the blankets. I like to be wrapped up like a burrito, my feet exposed out the bottom, whereas Adam, too, likes to be wrapped up like a burrito, and two people cannot be burritoed unless they want to be burritoed TOGETHER, which sounds awful and very … close. And sweaty.
At any rate, I’m home, only to leave again on Friday for my nephews’ play, only to sleep in the same bunk bed — this time with my mother on the bottom (uh, ew? That sounds … wrong) as Adam is staying home. And so, on Saturday afternoon, I’ll be in the audience of a (very tiny) production of High School Musical. I know. It’s … it’s bound to be sort of cute, but honestly, it’s guaranteed moments of pain, particularly because both nephews have assured me that it sucks, using those exact words. “It sucks, Auntie. It’s really, really awful.” But honestly, what does one expect of a play cast with 9 to 11-year-olds? Of uh, High School Musical, no less? You expect wonderful, in that awful way, yes?
I neglected to mention, by the way, that I hit Target this weekend, and you know how some things take on a golden glow after you leave them, in a way they never glowed before and never will again? Target SHONE LIKE THE SUN AS IT HAD NEVER SHONE BEFORE. It … it IS that great, and I bought … well, a lot, including an inordinate amount of those swingy shirts that graze the belly area rather than cling to it like Saran Wrap that Target (or, I should say, Mossimo) is so outstanding at producing, despite the fact that they fall apart after three washings (which is why I bought thirteen! Or you know, THIRTY. And yet? My grand total was only $80! THAT IS THE BEAUTY THAT IS TARGET.)
It’s everything I remembered and … and more. And suddenly, I’m wondering if living here isn’t as wonderful as I thought, because Target is love. (That reminds me of the book, “Who Needs Donuts?” wherein they discuss “Who needs donuts when you got love?” Because LOVE replaces DONUTS. BUT NOT TARGET.)
I also walked around an actual mall that featured an actual Apple store and actual STORES THAT PEOPLE SHOP IN TO BUY THINGS MADE THIS DECADE other than … Fashion Bug. Which, again, it appears I am desperate enough to shop in and even appreciate after months of abstinence. Country girls need earrings, too.
And now, if you would, and you have some free time this week, please go to Target. Revel in the aisles, and buy a cheap necklace, buy some Mossimo T-shirts! Isaac Mizrahi! PLASTIC WELLINGTON BOOTS. CHEAP TOTES. WHO CARES? BUY IT ALL. OR AT LEAST A CAFTAN. At a bare minimum, caress it all, every moment you can, because I can’t, and I wish I could.
And finally, a word of caution: even if you LIKE prunes, as I do, they are not nature’s most perfect snack, as Sunsweet promises. They are, in fact, nature’s cruel joke, and are nothing more than the Road to Endless Bloat, which means that if you see a (again, totally fake) stripey redhead floating by your place of residence today — or hell, even THURSDAY, for I will be UP THERE THAT LONG — would you take her out with a rock to put her out of her misery? Please?
Have a great Wednesday.
*Remy Zero
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
29 Comments Add your own
1. tutugirl1345 | April 29th, 2008 at 8:05 pm
I totally hear you with the comforter problem. My boyfriend and I solved that by using his old twin comforter. When we go to sleep at night, I pull the big comforter to my side of the bed, and he puts his little one on his. That way we can have our own “burritos” without having to touch.
2. Suebob | April 29th, 2008 at 8:45 pm
I am with you on the prunes. People joke about them but I love them because of that rich caramelly fruity flavor that is just perfection…so perfect that it is hard to remember that eating each prune is like eating a whole plum, albeit a small one…And then the consequences. Oh, god, the consequences.
Fruit or Consequences, a small town in New Mexico.
3. Blythe | April 29th, 2008 at 10:15 pm
The last time I was in the USA, I drove to Target the very first morning after I arrived and waited in the parking lot for the doors to open. I spent two hours roaming the deserted aisles, drinking a Vitamin Water I’d purchased upon entry, browsing the handbags and gazing at the pots and pans.
I hate living so far away from Target, but it does make shopping that much sweeter when I finally get there.
4. Pam | April 29th, 2008 at 10:32 pm
Oh, I would LOVE to caress a Target! But here on Cape Cod we are, like you, Target-less. I know. You thought we were more civilized than that. Nope.
We do have prunes.
5. leenie | April 29th, 2008 at 10:38 pm
oh my sheesh, i had my own prune re-revelation recently, but this time with dried apricots.
holy bloat. that’s all i’m saying.
6. Sadie | April 30th, 2008 at 5:21 am
I can’t stop calling that store Lerner New York either, even though I know it’s not called that anymore. And “caftan” seems so boozy and middle-aged; I am not sure that’s the demographic Lerner is going after. Or, maybe it is,; those vodka-swilling boomers have a lot of disposable income.
I get the burrito, but you like your feet sticking OUT? You must leave your heat set on ‘super-melt ‘in the winter in New England to tolerate that, even with socks on. Yet another reason I like to tuck my sheets in supertight so it’s like sleeping in an envelope.
There is a Target 10 minutes from my house and I haven’t been in months. You’ve inspired me! Want me to pick anything up for you while I’m there? Maybe a little buddha head from the Global Bazaar? Or a package of bendy straws from the dollar bins? Shiny gunmetal plastic handbag? Say the word.
7. Jen | April 30th, 2008 at 5:35 am
My regular lunch time trips to Target are God’s gift to the 8:30-5 work day. There are TWO Targets close enough to my office that I can make it back and forth in an hour, with about 40 minutes of pure browsing time. I actually create lists of random items each week just to convince myself that a trip is NEEDED. Thank you for giving me a reason to go this week.
8. Jess | April 30th, 2008 at 5:41 am
I haven’t been to Target in AGES, and now I really want to go! Like, this second! I wonder if anyone would notice if I disappeared from work for a couple hours.
Also, I thought that in the interest of good PR, the prune people renamed the prune the dried plum. No?
9. claire | April 30th, 2008 at 5:45 am
So many things to comment on here. First of all? When i hear the word “caftan”? My first reaction is “muumuu”. I had to go to the NY&Co website to see what the hell they were thinking. Those ‘caftans’ seem a little more like ‘tunics’ to me, but whatever. Tomato / tomahto.
Children’s school plays – i have decided that i LOVE kid’s plays. LOVE THEM. They are like a train wreck that you are encouraged to watch. The awfulness is almost tangible and i enjoy the cringe factor. Especially middle school plays. There’s just something about the ugly formative years that makes a horrific play. And i love it. Cruel? Absolutely. But i bring flowers and give the boyfriend’s kid a big hug and tell her that she was amazing and no one ever knows… Enjoy the absurdity. I sat through a production of High School Musical last year and i couldn’t even tell what was going on. It was awesome.
10. Raven | April 30th, 2008 at 5:52 am
Target is my favorite place, I go there just to wander around when I’m bored. I LOVE Target and it’s a love affair that has spanned the ages!
Also, I love your music appreciation at the bottom there, good choices!
11. Lawyerish | April 30th, 2008 at 6:12 am
Wait. Am I gathering that NY&Co is the former Lerner New York? Seriously? I mean, I’ve never been to NY&Co, but I have seen the stores and never made the connection. I think you just blew my mind.
12. jonniker | April 30th, 2008 at 6:15 am
Lawyerish: Oh yes. NY&Co is formerly Lerner New York. I can never remember this and have honestly never purchased anything from there as it’s all so BRIGHT. AND LOUD. And, I’m guessing, cheaply made in a sweatshop in Sri Lanka.
13. Shelly | April 30th, 2008 at 6:22 am
Target. Yeah. I went with my 2 friends on Sat. evening to develop Prom pictures of my friends’ son……..our ‘Super Target” has big red balls used as barriers at the entrance….I mean BIG red balls…….and I (the fat girl) used one of said balls as if it were an exercise ball–I leaned my thighs on the ball, and clasped my hands behind my head and leaned WWAAAYYYYY back. As if I had VAST experience using exercise balls (snort)……..and I may have POSSIBLY had too much wine. Just possibly, though.
14. Shelly | April 30th, 2008 at 6:52 am
Oh, I meant to comment on Lerner, too…..oops. I got carried away with my Target humiliation.
Caftans? Really? I think of a caftan as something for the larger set to wear, when nothing else fits. Like in the Lane Bryant catalogs, the ‘caftans’ are the only thing that go up to like 7x or something. I’m not trying to sound rude, but that’s what I’m reminded of…..I may have to look up the exact definition of Caftan. Maybe my perception is incorrect. And I am larger and want to AVOID the caftan look if I at all can….so No offense meant to those larger and caftan loving……
In high school, I LOVED Lerner…….it was slightly Ho-Bag-ish…..which I wanted to sort of ALLUDE to without being so…..I bought a pair of khaki ‘baggy’ pants (Think MC Hammer) with cutouts along the side of each leg that had RED material sewn in….a big loose diamond from thigh to calf……..and I had a high necked, ruffly sleeveless RED top to match. How 80′s cute-n-slutty DOES that sound? I also bought a one piece jumpsuit in black with a white belt (it was cute) and my dress for graduation (again black)–very Molly Ringwald-ish in it’s sweetheart neckline and poufy, gathered at the bottom skirt…..a
Ah…the 80′s.
15. She Likes Purple | April 30th, 2008 at 7:27 am
Target does that to me every other day (which is how often I go). Just imagine if I took a break and didn’t go for a month or two. The reunion would be practically orgasmic, I think.
16. Swistle | April 30th, 2008 at 7:28 am
Oh, Target. *dreamy expression* I can go there twice a week EASILY.
Ha ha! “Nature’s cruel joke”!
17. H | April 30th, 2008 at 9:01 am
Are you kidding?! Caftans are IN? That means that, for the first time in the 23 years I have known her, my mother-in-law is IN STYLE! She’s 77 and wears the loudest knee-length caftans you’ve ever seen. I never thought I’d see the day!
18. jen from boston | April 30th, 2008 at 10:22 am
“… and two people cannot be burritoed unless they want to be burritoed TOGETHER,” Truer words have never been spoken. heh.
I still don’t get wny VT is anti-Target. Not *one* store – just unthinkable.
19. Leah | April 30th, 2008 at 10:39 am
I haven’t been to Target in far too long. Time to rekindle the romance.
20. Catherine | April 30th, 2008 at 12:23 pm
I’m laughing at the Target story, because, yes, it is true, I don’t think I could live in a world without Target. When my son moved to Asheville, NC, I was thrilled to find that he had located himself within 15 minutes of the only Target, and therefore when Mom visited and felt the need to buy him new sheets, her favorite store was there.
Also because it reminded me of the “parents orientation” given at FSU, and the very funny dean who told us how our daughters, and many of our sons, would need intensive shopping therapy whenever they came home, because Tallahassee’s malls sucked. But even Tally has a Target. You are really living the country life. I will think of you next time I’m in Target – I was just there this afternoon, so it may be three days before I can fondle something in your honor.
21. Emily | April 30th, 2008 at 12:42 pm
Caftans?!? Huh. Who knew? Also: I thought I was the only person who’d ever read “Who Needs Donuts?”!
22. jonniker | April 30th, 2008 at 12:53 pm
Sadie: I like my feet cold, I don’t know why. I feel very … constricted when they’re buried. I like them wild and free. Remember, though, I am hot enough to be a nuclear reactor when I sleep.
Catherine: Tallahassee has SO MUCH MORE THAN VERMONT. Did I ever mention that we don’t have a CVS? NO CVS. NONE.
Emily: (This must be shouted) I LOVE WHO NEEDS DONUTS. I DIDN’T KNOW ANYONE ELSE READ IT EITHER.
23. metalia | April 30th, 2008 at 4:34 pm
Okay, I TOTALLY relate to the whole “needing space” thing. So much so that J and I? HAVE SEPARATE COMFORTERS. We are not good blanket sharers.
24. Maggy | May 1st, 2008 at 5:25 pm
I keep trying to get to Target, and my three year old keeps doing the toddler stall until it’s naptime, or bedtime, or the store’s closed, or I am so ticked at my husband for not being home on time I am ready to scream. So I haven’t been in a while.
I hear you on the prunes. The toddler will say, “I need prune,” so I give him one. Then he asks for another one. Um, no. I will send anti-bloat thoughts your way.
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