Too Many People
May 5th, 2008
Honest to Pete, I don’t MEAN to be a negative nelly about everything I read, and I don’t want to turn this into a book blog or anything, it’s just that I am on a horribly bad streak lately. I’m desperate for the new Jen Lancaster (coming out tomorrow or, you know, today, if you’re reading this Tuesday, like most people will be) if only so I can read a FAMILIAR voice of someone I know I’ll like. “Split” was divine, but I followed it with a comfortable, if disappointing, Marian Keyes and then … and then Chris Bohjalian’s “The Double Bind” which was SO HILARIOUSLY BAD that I am actually ANGRY about it. Who edited this? Who thought that “dowager” should be used OVER AND OVER again, like it’s a word people use in everyday conversation? Who allowed “epoxied” to be used in place of “glued” three times on three consecutive pages?
Save yourselves. Run. Run away.
My boob is fine, thank you all for your concern. I wasn’t too stressed about it, I just didn’t want to have a NEEDLE in it and hey ho! I didn’t have to. Two doctors, thirty minutes of ultrasound and three people hovering over my boob and everyone declared and agreed that there was nothing to aspirate, and that it was merely an “island of [boob] tissue” and not a cyst. Just lots o’ boob in one place. Which explains, PS, why my left boob is uh, significantly larger than the right. And you know, I’m not a particularly modest person, but there’s something very disconcerting about having three people hovering over your boob, and three — THREE — sets of hands digging around in there at once. That’s six hands and three faces dangling perilously close to my sisters. Someone could have lost an eyeball.
Incidentally, I’m currently working on a proposal for a new freelance client and the process has gotten a little … well, a little ridiculous. I feel like I’m one request away from being asked to submit my design ideas for how greeting cards can be improved with the resurgence of Kajagoogoo and the creative use of faux fur. And it reminds me of the time I was sent by a headhunter friend of mine on a ruse interview to discover precisely why no one wanted to work at one of the companies in his roster. Within minutes, it was painfully obvious, after the director of marketing lamented that my portfolio — like every other writer’s he’d received — was sadly devoid of creative pieces to SELL the person. Like self-portraits festooned with glitter and puffy paint and videos of them kayaking or something. (“When I was interviewing, I put together an entire PowerPoint presentation about myself, including my favorite books, pictures and extra-curricular activities! I even put together a movie with my favorite marketing vehicles and how I would market MYSELF with a direct mail piece! I haven’t gotten ANYTHING like that!”) Yeah, that’s why uh, no one wanted to work there. Dude’s NUTS.
Honestly, this week seems pretty pointless, as I finally have an appointment with a new gynecologist on Friday and it’s possible — just maybe — that I have my hopes up just a little too high, like I’m going to walk out of there nine months’ pregnant. I have a host of feelings on the topic of the situation — good thoughts, bad thoughts, confusing thoughts and at times, destructive thoughts that lead me to do things like Google Things That Should Not Be Googled (Hello, have I not TOLD EVERYONE I KNOW to stay off of Google at times like these? And yet no no, there I am in full-throttle foolish Googling and getting myself worked up that not only are things really broken down there, but I may also be hosting a tumor the size of San Francisco in my abdominal cavity, along with a small herd of sheep. And dying. Did I mention the dying?).
In the meantime, I’m really okay — truly, I’m just ANNOYED with myself, like WHAT THE HELL, BODY. HOP TO. What is not okay, however, is the fact that I just got my, er, special lady time (Surprise! For me? How LOVELY!) and have just devoured a four-pack of chocolate peanut butter Twix and am seriously considering what else might be in the house that I can shove into my gaping maw. I have some pickled asparagus down there (Edited: I MEAN DOWNSTAIRS, NOT DOWN IN THE SPECIAL LADY AREA OMG SADIE), and some oil-cured olives. AND I AM SO GOING TO GET THEM RIGHT NOW.
Happy Tuesday!
*Glen Hansard
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
25 Comments Add your own
1. Jess | May 5th, 2008 at 6:13 pm
“Comfortable” is the perfect word to describe Marian Keyes’ books. And yet I love them and can’t get enough and am excited about the new one coming out soon.
Also, yummy PB Twix! I’m not having my special lady time and I would still devour a four-pack of those babies if I had access to them.
2. whoorl | May 5th, 2008 at 6:15 pm
Farking Google, man. It will be the end of me.
I guess I should go eat some olives now.
3. Susan | May 5th, 2008 at 6:46 pm
Special lady time? Maybe you should call that first gyno back and see if he can squeeze you in earlier this week! Good news about your boob and in all seriousness, hope your appointment goes well on Friday, I know (just from what I’ve read from you, I guess), that this is something that you’ve been working on for awhile.
4. Sadie | May 5th, 2008 at 6:59 pm
How gross that I totally thought the same thing as Susan…that your old gynecologist would love to see you again this week. *projectile vomits*
Also, and this may just be a function of my poor reading comprehension, but you wrote a sentence about your ‘special lady time’ and started the very next sentence with “I have some pickled asparagus down there…” and I confess to furrowing my brow and re-reading carefully. Because, well. Well then!
5. jonniker | May 5th, 2008 at 7:00 pm
HA HA Oh Sadie. Uh, yeah. Not what I meant. No pickled asparagus in the Special Lady Area.
6. Val | May 5th, 2008 at 7:06 pm
Ugh. I can 100% sympathize on the let’s-get-this-body-kickstarted drama. Mine=not kickstarted. And yet we continue to try. We know we need outside assistance…we’re just dragging our feet. I still hold out that hope that, oh sure we can totally do this on our own. Even though the doctor’s have made it pretty clear that we can’t.
I hope you have a much, MUCH better experience with this new gynecologist than you did the last. And I hope this doc can get you on the path to baby-makin’!
7. Inzaburbs | May 5th, 2008 at 7:22 pm
Special Lady Time??? OMG! I think I woke up the babies with my cackling and snorting!
And thank goodness for Sadie because you know, if she hadn’t commented before I came along I would probably be passed out by now.
Hope the asparagus and olives were satisfying. I have been known to eat all manner of disgusting food during my (splutter) SLT. Because… well.. calories.
8. tutugirl1345 | May 5th, 2008 at 7:33 pm
The new Jen Lancaster book is totally amazing. Like lock yourself in your room for days, better than sex amazing. It will, however, make you want to go to the gym.
I’ve totally been there with the boob thing, except I ended up having surgery just to end the paranoia. Only to have the same five people poking at it again a year later. Definitely not worth it.
I do the google thing too. I swear, the “cancer” appears every time. Also not worth it.
9. Sadie | May 5th, 2008 at 7:41 pm
heh, sorry, of course I KNEW logically that you didn’t – oh, God – you know, with the asparagus and all, I just read fast and…SORRY.
Though, I did think to myself, “Eureka! I may have discovered the root of Jonna’s reproductive woes…”
I CAN’T STOP MYSELF OH GOD
10. Rhea | May 6th, 2008 at 12:33 am
Thank you for clarifying.
11. Shelly | May 6th, 2008 at 4:43 am
Google=BAD
Google pictures of dread disease=MORE bad
Knowing not to Google, and being unable to stop=MORE MORE bad
I feel your google pain…..I google everything……I sometimes wish I was stupid enough to not KNOW some of the things that can be googled with terrifying results.
I work with a person who goes to a Mennonite “doctor” who rubs her feet to diagnose her. Then ‘prescribes’ herbal remedies that CURE her. We laugh at her expense (unfortunately–since that isn’t very nice) but sometimes, I wonder if being that blind isn’t somehow a gift.
I mean, not really, because knowledge is POWER, but google isn’t the place for medical ‘knowledge’.
Glad there was no needle, and ‘special’ lady time? What is ‘special’ about it? haha
12. Swistle | May 6th, 2008 at 5:03 am
Come on over and I will make you my Salt-Chip PMS Brownies! They are JUST THE THING.
I love that you were a Secret Interviewee. That is way cooler than Secret Shopper–and Secret Shopper is PRETTY DARN COOL.
13. Joni | May 6th, 2008 at 5:03 am
Have you read anything by Geraldine Brooks? I loved “March” and just finished “People of the Book” which was also enjoyable. Also “The Historian” is excellent- part Dracula/part travelogue. Or on a non-fiction note, I am reading “Animal, Vegetable, Miracle” by Kingsolver and am now tempted to become an organic farmer and raise a bunch of chickens. But in a good way.
14. TwoBusy | May 6th, 2008 at 5:30 am
I’m fascinated by the idea of the ruse interview. What a great concept. And, yes, what a colossal jackass. A presentation on The Glory of Me… wow.
15. moo | May 6th, 2008 at 7:11 am
“special lady time” made me snort water up my nose.
So, uh, thanks for that. Apparently, it’s special for EVERYONE.
16. claire | May 6th, 2008 at 8:52 am
Oh, i would LOVE to go on a Faux Interview. That sounds like ever so much fun. It would be great practice first of all (because i am totally the worst interviewee ever) but it’s also great because you can SAY ANYTHING. HA! Totally fun. Tell them you are your last company’s emperor by birthright. Because WHO CARES! I wonder if they pay people for that….
17. Leah | May 6th, 2008 at 9:22 am
Hey, you can borrow Simon’s special uneven-boob-related terminology if you want. When talking about old lefty, he calls it the BLT, for Big Left Tit.
18. Andrea | May 6th, 2008 at 9:32 am
I’ve been on a bad streak with the reading lately too, to the point where I’ve finally taken the ones that I’ve been waiting to read for a time when I can truly spend the time reading them (i.e. not devouring them in snatches while I’m cooking, feeding the baby, or stuck at a stoplight in traffic), giving myself ample appreciation opportunity, and I’ve started reading them in the snatches I was trying to avoid. I’m on The Kite Runner now (I know. But I was waiting for a time when I could savor!) and it’s incredible. Finally. I’ve broken the bad book streak. Next, Mark Halperin’s Winter’s Tale, on your suggestion.
Glad about the boob. As we speak, my grandmother is preparing for surgery to remove cancerous tissue from her own breast, so it was with relief that I read about some good breast news for a change, not that SIX hands mauling your girls is necessarily good news. That it’s nothing to worry about is definitely good news, though.
Ha! Pickled asparagus down there as opposed to the basement. Your commenters are so funny!
19. jonniker | May 6th, 2008 at 9:37 am
Maybe now is not the time to tell you, Andrea, that I HATED “The Kite Runner”?
20. She Likes Purple | May 6th, 2008 at 12:12 pm
I feel like right now isn’t the time to declare my love for Marian Keyes, but I do! I love her! And I got to meet her! And I wanted to take her home with me, she’s so adorable and kind.
21. the new girl | May 6th, 2008 at 4:09 pm
Dude.
I Medi-Googled ONE time. Diaper rash.
OMG, I almost PASSED OUT. There were HORRIBLE, AWFUL pictures of what looked like thoroughly diseased parts.
OMG.
Never again.
22. willikat | May 6th, 2008 at 5:20 pm
ou know what, i’m feeling about jen lancaster how you feel about some of your negative nelly book posts lately. i really think her shtick is old, and most of the time i don’t get her “i’m a bitch but isn’t this hilarious that i’m bitchy?” deal. i giggled aloud a couple times in the first book but i was so tired of her by the end.
23. Carolyn J. | May 7th, 2008 at 8:55 pm
Didn’t your doctors tell you? You have a black hole in your boob. The event horizon is collecting too much matter, that’s all.
24. Mauigirl | May 8th, 2008 at 6:48 pm
Special Lady Time! Asparagus! I love it…
Seriously I’m glad your boob problem turned out to be nothing. I had a similar experience – turned out to be “dense breast tissue” – but I did do the biopsy to find that out. The needle didn’t hurt that much, it was the binding ace bandage they put around me to keep it from bruising too much that was painful!
25. Andrea | May 9th, 2008 at 5:30 am
I think I remember you saying something about not liking The Kite Runner. Well, I’m about halfway through, and so far, it is pretty good, imo. I’m interested enough to keep going, even if I have a poor opinion of the main character. Maybe I won’t love it. Maybe I won’t hate it either. But it’s still better than the last book I tried to read.
Sorry I’m only just now seeing that you replied to my comment.
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