Nicest Thing
May 6th, 2008
So there are a few things going on, but can we just start for a moment with the fact that I got an e-mail from Suzanne Finnamore thanking me for loving her books and for writing about them? And then she said some very nice things which were totally only to be polite, but I do not care, because I was still all googly because dude, SUZANNE FINNAMORE, and then I died. The end. And then I sent a lot of ALL CAPS E-MAILS to Swistle, who loves her as I do, and who responded appropriately and in ALL CAPS as well.
Totally beats the pants off of the time I wrote about Ben Folds in a less-than-complimentary way and one of my longtime readers announced that her husband was his bassist. Yes, this is much better.
In other, SIGNIFICANTLY less exciting news, my dish towels have all disappeared and I imagine they’re having a party somewhere together, celebrating their freedom from a life of dishpan fibers that no amount of fabric softener can cure. I’ve devoted an inordinate amount of time to thinking about their disappearance, and wondering why the left me. Was I that bad? Did I mistreat them? Are their feelings hurt? WHERE ART THOU, DISHTOWELS?
Still feeling faint, by the way, which means that all I can do is write about DRIVEL.
In pop culture land, I have, once again, picked up the People’s “Most Beautiful” issue — it is like crack to me — and have, once again, become increasingly irritated by the whole thing as the pages wear on. For example, I nearly shot myself in the face when I saw Raquel Welch held up as some sort of paragon for older women, and can I just tell you how frustrating this is? Because don’t TELL me that Raquel Welch hasn’t been scalpeled and Restylane’d within an INCH of her (very long) life and it’s just … well. It’s also interesting to me that Jennifer Lopez said that a young woman has the face she was born with, while an older woman gets the face she deserves, and can I be honest in that my first thought after reading that was that she deserved a face that had been hit by a SHOVEL after the whole “I just knew I could” thing re: her “totally natural” pregnancy that Julie articulates better than me? Honestly, that infuriated me. Infuriated.
You’d think that honestly, after getting a few e-mails from people I’ve written about (why, TODAY, in fact!) after something I wrote here, that I would LEARN, because I now know that it’s totally possible for Raquel Welch to send me a nastygram denying all Botox and insisting she is just naturally wrinkle-free, despite having one foot in the grave. And yet I press on! Because look! I am about to talk about …
Scarlett Johansson. Have you, um, heard the single? Because is she serious? Is she actually seriously SINGING, or is that … well. I don’t even know what else to say, but I just don’t know what sycophant told her yes, YES, Scarlett! CUT AN ALBUM. YOU ROCK, sister. (She doesn’t. At all. What IS that?)
All of this is put into remarkable context after talking with an acquaintance of ours who used to do celebrity publicity. She affirmed that yes, celebrities ARE that insane and self-absorbed and …well, everything awful you read about them is true. Stars, it seems, are not like us. Unless we are the type to throw hissy fits because we don’t have the alternating orange and white candle scheme we SPECIFICALLY REQUESTED. (True! Contract riders! ALL TRUE and DEMANDED by the celebrities! I KNOW!)
I meant to write more. I did. And then I got tired and also goofily authory starstruck.
Happy Wednesday! Is it me, or is this week flying?
*Kate Nash
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
32 Comments Add your own
1. slynnro | May 6th, 2008 at 8:25 pm
OH LORD. I felt the exact same way about EVERYTHING in that issue. Like the clearly airbrushed “No makeup beauties” section.
BARF.
2. kirida | May 6th, 2008 at 8:27 pm
I think ScarJo’s just doing it because she can, but it’s way too overproduced. She sounds like she’s singing from inside a car’s trunk.
3. Camels & Chocolate | May 6th, 2008 at 8:39 pm
Can I just say there are few celebrities I detest more than ScarJo? Well, maybe Jessica Biel (at least she’s halfway attractive). I will never for the life of me understand the Scarlett Johansson appeal. It kind of ranks up there as one of life’s great mysteries, right behind Zach Braff, Splenda and Eat, Pray, Love.
4. Swistle | May 7th, 2008 at 4:38 am
I can’t even CONCENTRATE on your post, because I am still HYPERVENTILATING over the SUZANNE FINNAMORE thing. And I am pretty sure this means she is choosing YOUR proposal over MINE, and I think that is WRONG. She should at LEAST see the RINGS first. And also: OMG OMG OMG SUZANNE FINNAMORE EMAILED YOU!!!!! She read the words YOU WROTE! She was HERE, ON THIS VERY BLOG!!!
Also, I believe Jennifer Lopez is flat-out lying. I think she had the most expensive fertility treatments money could buy, and that it still took a couple of years for them to work.
In fact, I thought that whole interview was a giant load of fake. I don’t believe they hire two—TWO—baby nurses, but then choose to do every feeding and diaper change themselves, staying up until six in the morning just to gaze at their babies’ lovely faces. That is 100% crap, and the fact that she thinks we would BUY that crap is MORE crap.
5. Swistle | May 7th, 2008 at 4:39 am
Also: OMG SUZANNE FINNAMORE!!!
6. TwoBusy | May 7th, 2008 at 4:50 am
But seriously, let’s get back to the dish towels. Why did you abandon them? They’re probably sitting in a dark corner somewhere, feeling lost and forgotten, impossibly heartbroken at the thought that they must have failed you in carrying out their one task in this world – washing dishes – and now must be forever banished from the world of sun and laughter.
7. Shelly | May 7th, 2008 at 4:55 am
Hey–I feel your excitement. I got all warm and fuzzy when YOU replied to an email of mine………..**wow* *star struck*…
One time, while trying to resolve an issue with my Cooks Essentials stainless steel cookware from QVC, Bob Warden called me……I wasn’t home. He left a message saying he’d call me back. He didn’t.
I’ve talked to our state Attorney General and his wife at basketball games.
I finally finished ‘Otherwise Engaged’ last night sitting at a track meet waiting for my son to learn which local Middle School won the “run for the red baton’ for the year. His events were done in the FIRST half of the meet, so I had plenty of time to hungrily finish the book. I haven’t found ‘They Zygote Chronicles” yet, and “Split” is waiting for me at the library….it’s frustrating because I’m too anal to read them out of order.
8. Jess | May 7th, 2008 at 5:25 am
I am always scared of writing about people on my blog because look at what happened with the flowers. And that was just a company! Not a person! My god. We are never safe. I mean, yeah we publish stuff on the internet for everyone to see, but still.. sometimes people… SEE it.
9. jonniker | May 7th, 2008 at 5:38 am
Jess, OH HOW RIGHT YOU ARE. And no kidding, I learned the hard way more than once — not all discoveries were like this (because again, uh, OMG SUZANNE FINNAMORE). That being said, I feel REASONABLY safe with People Mag-type — celebs because I don’t think Scarlett Johannson or Jennifer Lopez or even her people — are going to drop by here, because their … goods? Movies? whatever … are less apt to be impacted by what I say about them. They’re too focused on Perez Hilton.
10. Sadie | May 7th, 2008 at 5:51 am
Wow, Jennifer Lopez sure is a bitch. Well, at least God is making sure she’s not *too* smug – because in that People Magazine spread, both those babies look just like Mon chi chis. And their Skeletor father.
My brother works with famous people on occasion and it’s true, most celebrities really are crazazy. I used to think it was the vast amount of wealth that made them so out of touch with reality, but it’s not money…because there are plenty of rich people that act normal, relatively speaking. It’s all the fawning, worship, and idolatry that makes famous people completely batshit, I think. That’s why I would never pay attention to a celebrity on principle. Unless it was Tina Fey. ‘Cause she’s not LIKE THAT TINA I LOVE YOU CAN YOU SIGN MY BOOB I WILL NEVER SHOWER AGAIN
11. Janssen | May 7th, 2008 at 5:56 am
Did you write this post last night? Because it was Tuesday then
Which might explain why the week seems to be flying.
I saw ads for SJ’s album a while back and I was equally shocked.
12. jonniker | May 7th, 2008 at 5:57 am
I did, but it was close to midnight, so I figured next time I’d be CONSCIOUS, it would be Wednesday : )
13. Jamie | May 7th, 2008 at 6:03 am
Fabric softener greatly reduces the absorbency of towels, dishtowels, etc. – I stopped using it on my towels and all of a sudden, they dry dishes! OMG IS A MIRACLE!
You can soften them by putting baking soda into the washer, if softness (or hard water) is a concern. Just an idea for ya.
I need to investigate this Suzanne Finnamore person. This is the first I’m hearing of her, and her books. What book should I read first?
14. jonniker | May 7th, 2008 at 6:12 am
Jamie: Personally, I’d start with Otherwise Engaged, then The Zygote Chronicles, THEN Split, which is her newest one. They’re easy reads and you could whip through the whole thing in one delicious weekend.
15. Shelly | May 7th, 2008 at 7:24 am
Jamie, would you please e-mail my husband and TELL him about the fabric softner and towels? He thinks I’m nuts.
16. Kristin H | May 7th, 2008 at 7:50 am
Suzanne Finnamore emailed you!!! That is truly awesome. Once my dad got a call from Gene Keady (ex Purdue basketball head coach) to say thanks for the nice fan letter. My dad, flying high on cloud nine, immediately redoubled his efforts at writing Keady to tel him how he should run his team. This is probably not the outcome Gene Keady was hoping for.
I only read People when I am in the doctor’s office or the gym, when I can snag someone else’s copy. Because it really is eye rollingly fun to read, but I always feel a little guilty about reading it. Like perhaps I sholud have brought my Tolstoy to read on the elliptical machine instead. (rolls eyes at self)
And also? Your poor dishtowels. Let’s hope they are happy somewhere with all my pan lids from when I lived in Michigan. Or maybe not, because I am fairly sure my pan lids were shredded in a giant metal shredder the same day I let the delivery take away my old stove due to the new one arriving. Sadly, as a bad pan lid mama, I forgot to check the bottom drawer of said stove, where all the lids lived. They are resting, I’m sure, in pan lid heaven.
17. Val | May 7th, 2008 at 8:20 am
Speaking of Suzanne Finnamore, I took your advice and decided these books are definitely something I should be reading. So, I ran to my trusty (always trusty!) library account online and requested Otherwise Engaged. And then today, for the first time ever (because its trusty, always trusty!) the library let me down. Crushed my dreams. And told me that they could not fill my request because the last copy they had has been lost or destroyed. WhAt?! And you don’t intend to replace this lost (stolen by readers who love her most likely) book? You don’t think anyone else may want to read it? I don’t understand, dear library. You have left me empty.
18. chellebird | May 7th, 2008 at 8:24 am
HA! Kristin, I’m laughing myself sick over “pan lid heaven.” I’m going to use that any time I lose something now. Can’t find my socks? Pan lid heaven. Missing my chapstick? Pan lid heaven. Hee.
Jonna, have you heard She & Him yet? A celebrity album that may be a ego project, but it’s so cute that I can’t help liking it. Maybe M. Ward tones down Deschanel enough to keep it real music.
19. Jamie | May 7th, 2008 at 8:24 am
Thanks. Chicago public library, here I come!
Shelly – tell him to read #5 of this article. Good luck!
20. Jill | May 7th, 2008 at 8:49 am
I completely agree that those “beautiful at any age!” type articles in magazines, where they show a bunch of pictures of, like, 51 year old actresses who have all be botoxed and tummy-tucked and pancaked with make-up and THEN photoshopped before being plastered on a magazine cover as if they are just naturally flawless, are total crap. Yes some people have good genes, (cough Heather Locklear, ohmyhell) but it’s bullshit to tout that as aging well.
I have a certain love for Patricia Heaton because she goes around talking about everything she’s had done as opposed to being all, oh well I try to eat right and stay out of the sun.
And since all I’m doing is griping in this comment I will stay away from the JLo nonsenese because gah! Seriously!
21. Cobwebs | May 7th, 2008 at 8:52 am
Heh. I used to work at Disneyland and was friendly with a lot of the Guest Relations people who had to escort celebrities around when they visited. They never failed to have entertaining stories about just how, um, “different” the stars were compared to us normal folk.
I’m sure that your dishtowels are fine, and have slipped through the same wormhole where lost socks go. They’re now enjoying a uniquely dishtowel-oriented lifestyle and leading the fabric equivalent of the good life.
22. Leah | May 7th, 2008 at 9:52 am
That’s way better than the time I wrote about a television fitness guru and perhaps suggested she was actually a man (a lumberjack, to be specific) and then she emailed me to point out that I wasn’t being very nice. Boy did that suck.
23. H | May 7th, 2008 at 10:56 am
You’d probably remember if you did this – but you didn’t use your dishtowels to wrap glassware or other breakables, did you? Could they be in an unpacked box with other things?
And, no, for me this week is not flying. I think it is oozing. Ugh.
24. Carrie | May 7th, 2008 at 12:05 pm
I just picked up (and finished) my first Finnemores from the library because of you. And HOW COOL that she emailed you!!!
I am humbly requesting more book ideas. I’m kinda outta the literature loop here and usually am running around in the library picking up books AT RANDOM because I haven’t a flippin’ clue what’s out there.
I’m a disgrace to my English degree.
You can email me a list if you have time….
caquincy AT yahoo DOT com.
25. Alyce | May 7th, 2008 at 3:31 pm
I wonder what Tom Waits thinks of ScarJo’s album. Maybe he thinks she rocks. In which case I will bite my tongue, since I have only heard one of the covers.
26. fairydogmother | May 7th, 2008 at 7:51 pm
A few years ago my friend was talking about Ben Folds at work in a mostly complimentary way after seeing him live for the first time. Unfortunately it was not all complimentary, and she blathered on about the less than stellar stuff for a bit. Turns out one of the co-workers she was talking to at the time is his ex-wife.
*sigh*
27. Jennifer | May 7th, 2008 at 8:20 pm
I HATE the 50 Most Beautiful issue! Kate Hudson is barely recognizable on the cover, at least to me. All of those idiots waxing on and on about how they don’t exercise or watch what they eat and have “amazing genes” – I call shenanigans. The only good thing I can say about it is that they finally stopped publishing the actresses’ weights. OR DID THEY?
28. moo | May 8th, 2008 at 9:02 am
“Stars” and “celebrity” … they are only as famous and fabulous as they act. For example, this Hills person, Heidi? I could not pick her out of a line-up if you told me you would shoot my son if I could not. I have no interest and don’t understand why she is “famous.”
But I find it interesting that you named some big INTERNET “celebrities” in this post.
29. kris | May 8th, 2008 at 9:22 am
If Scarlett does a duet with someone stupid like Heidi Montage I will kill myself. Or move to Canada.
30. kris | May 8th, 2008 at 9:22 am
Montag. Rhymes with stag.
31. jonniker | May 8th, 2008 at 10:32 am
I named Internet celebrities? You mean Julie and Swistle? OMG, Swistle is going to LOVE being called an Internet celebrity! (Julie might, too, but I don’t know Julie personally)
32. Shana | May 8th, 2008 at 7:30 pm
@Jill: I can’t get behind Patricia Heaton. She rails publicly and strenuously against stem cell research, so she is DEAD TO ME. Unfortunately, that colors any positive feelings that may be elicited by her forthrightness re: cosmetic zhoozhing.
My take on celebrities is that, over time, they’re increasingly surrounded by yes-men and -women, people who, to stay in favor, do things like say “OMG, dawg, you could totally be a rapper! And a clothing designer! You could be the new Jay-Z, and have your own EMPIRE!”
And because people like ego stroking, they make crappy records. From what I’ve heard of ScarJo, she’s not all that bright, seems to have a very healthy ego, and should probably stick to what works for her (smoking hotness, deep sexy voice, and fantastic cans).
Am so judgey today! Heh. Hi, Jonna! Glad your boob’s okay, and you will totally get pregnant soon. And it will be awesome. Teeny Jonna! (Or Jonn-o?)
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