Gardening at Night
May 21st, 2008
In the category of “I Keep Fucking Up My Dog: Watch and Learn!” Sunny won’t eat any food — any food at ALL — until I pretend to eat it first while looking her directly in the eye all, I’m totally eating first, bitch! I’m told this is an Alpha Thing, meaning that the underling dogs eat after the alpha does — i.e., she waits her turn until I’m finished — but still. COME ON. I have to bring the bowl to my face, do a little “NOM NOM NOM” and then she dives right in and licks the bowl clean. Sick. It’s sick. And I’ve screwed up royally, man. Or have I? I mean OBVIOUSLY I am the alpha here, as she won’t eat until I have, but … well. It’s ridiculous, is what it is, pretending to eat dog food while staring your hungry dog in the eye. And being the alpha gets me nowhere when she flips out on the shih tzu downstairs, you know? She IGNORES me then. Like I don’t COUNT. Like I’m NOT the ruler who tells her when to eat.
Every time I hear the word “alpha” by the way, my mind goes directly to the sorority song with the Greek alphabet, followed by “Gooooo Greek! GOOOO Greek! Let me hear you sing, alpha beta gamma delta epsilon zeta eta THETA IOTA KAPPA LAMBDA MU NU XI… ” Well, you get it, I hope.
If you’d like to hear the tune, please watch these lovely little young things sing it. Ahem. Yes, I did that. Probably while wearing something degrading, too, while being driven around with a blindfold and doing shots of generic peach schnapps. Lovely.
So listen, I dug my garden late today — well, half of it anyway — and in the category of “Captain Obvious” we have the stunning realization that gardening is hard. There was lots of shoveling and grunting and PLENTY of heaving as I dug up the weeds that took over the terraced space, and after all that work, I’m telling you, it’s like I expect a FULL BOUNTY of this season’s tomatoes to appear before my very eyes. I broke into a full sweat, for crying out loud, and you know that phrase, “Looks like they crawled out from under a rock”? Well! It turns out that there are some very scary things living under rocks, and that the meaning of that phrase was very likely cultivated from the super-freaky things I unearthed during this afternoon’s adventures.
I saw grubs! Worms! Ants! Creepy beetle-y things! GIANT CENTIPEDES! Horny worms! SPIDERS. AIEEEEE SPIDERS. Big hairy ones with suspicious looking sac-type things dangling from their bloated abdomens … and … and THEY CRAWLED OUT OF THE GROUND AS I DUG. Also, in the middle of all of this digging, my neighbor came home to tell me that while we don’t have black widow spiders here very often, he’s seen plenty of brown recluses. Oh, and by the way, they love stone garden walls, so hey, um, be careful, and if I get bitten, and the skin gets all black? I might want to go to a doctor. HAHAHAHAHA OKAY. WILL WATCH OUT FOR NEUROTOXIC SPIDERS, THANK YOU.
Any, um, BUG PEOPLE in my readership? Should I be afraid? What about the boxes we’re storing in the garage for our next move? WHAT THEN? (THEY LIKE CARDBOARD)
Tomorrow, I’ll hopefully finish the second half, providing it doesn’t rain. And then there will be baby lettuces and tomatoes and peppers! And radishes! And BEETS. Mmmmm … BEEEEEETS.
Also, geez, thank you for all of the bad television suggestions. I think … I think I’m going to start with Felicity. Charmed is, by the way, AWESOME AS EVER. And Shannen Doherty is a real bitch, ain’t she? I mean, her CHARACTER isn’t even likable. It’s like she is constitutionally incapable of any softness or empathy. FASCINATING.
Have a happy Thursday!
*REM
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
32 Comments Add your own
1. H | May 21st, 2008 at 4:53 pm
Grubs are disgusting. I scream and flail when I see one – and they tend to hang out around tomatoes. Ick. I LOVE BEETS – pickled beets, actually. Mmmmm. Fortunately, not many people love pickled beets and that’s just fine cuz then there’s more for ME!
2. Jess | May 21st, 2008 at 5:12 pm
I sort of hope that Torsten never takes up gardening, because he is totally all about the instant gratification. We bought a little herb garden kit where you just dump the seeds and the pre-packaged soil into the little pots, and it took him like ten minutes to do it, and an hour after it was done, he was already complaining about how nothing had grown yet. Seriously.
Also, this alpha dog thing is a little scary. My question is, how did you even figure out that you had to pretend to eat before Sunny would eat? How did such a thing develop?
3. Jennifer | May 21st, 2008 at 5:20 pm
Mother of God. I have sung many a corny sorority song in my day but have mercifully never had to sing the abonmination that is the Alphabet Song. What I wouldn’t give though, to be chauffered around town while guzzling schnapps of any kind!
I have no cool bug advice for you but as a kid I always loved to root around in the dirt and see what sort of little creatures were living there. As an adult I now realize this was a stupid thing to do as I could have been carried away by fire ants. WEAR GLOVES!
4. Rebekah | May 21st, 2008 at 5:28 pm
I have no helpful bug advice, but am fully grossed out on your behalf.
Singing the Greek Alphabet Song is my party trick. It’s much less interesting than my friend singing the books of the Bible (Old and New Testaments, in order), but it works for me.
5. Janssen | May 21st, 2008 at 5:37 pm
Well, i had to skim the last half of that entry because I was eating and I was pretty sure I wouldn’t be anymore if I read too closely. So, um, hope all is well! hooray! (no idea what’s going on except bugs. . . something).
6. She Likes Purple | May 21st, 2008 at 6:10 pm
Oh lord, do I even want to know? What on earth are horny worms?
7. Sophie | May 21st, 2008 at 6:30 pm
I am one of those wierdos who is not at all freaked out by bugs. (Except Daddy Long Legs. For some reason I am reduced to jelly by Daddy Long Legs. Maybe because I have vague memories of being woken up once by one crawling over my face).
My husband? Will shout the house down if he sees a bug, until I arrive to dispatch it. He is obsessed by Brown Recluse spiders, not that he has ever seen one. He read about them once and then googled images of rotting spider bites for what seemed like hours. I seriously doubt that your neighbor can actually identify a Brown Recluse, apparently they look like any other spider with a violin on its back. (This fact doesn’t stop my better half from screaming “Brown Recluse” several times a week though).
My advice? Don’t worry. And wear gloves.
8. TwoBusy | May 21st, 2008 at 6:35 pm
If I were you, the minute giant hairy spiders started crawling out of the earth and coming after me would be the minute I’d run to my car, lock the doors, and get the sweet holy fuck out of Vermont forever.
9. Angella | May 21st, 2008 at 7:51 pm
We’ve been planting too!
By “we”, I mean “Matthew”. Bugs make make me shriek like a, *ahem*, girl.
10. Rhea | May 21st, 2008 at 10:21 pm
Wear gardening gloves, that’s the best I could come up with. And maybe long sleeve shirts with the sleeve tucked into the gloves… or just remember all the other gardening folk around you who are just doing fine.
11. Tara | May 22nd, 2008 at 3:19 am
Brown recluse bites can be easily treated with antibiotics from your doctor. I grew up in the country in Oklahoma, and they are rampant there. I was only bit once, but antibiotics cleared my black blister right up. If you don’t go to the doctor soon enough you can end up with scarring, though, so bear that in mind.
But I hope you don’t get bit because the thought of a spider crawling on a person is going to give me nightmares tonight. Ick!
12. claire | May 22nd, 2008 at 4:44 am
Ew. Ewewewew. The brown recluse BLACK spider bite has me all icked out now.
Thank you for bringing the Greek Alphabet song to my attention. I didn’t know there was such a thing since i was never in a sorority and now i need to have my frat boy friend sing it. Because that is hysterical and embarrassing. Thank you.
Oh, and the Sunny thing? Try eating your own food in front of her. What we have always done is finish eating our dinner (to promote alpha-dog status – not sure if it actually works), and then feed the dogs. Maybe she’ll get the hint?
13. jonniker | May 22nd, 2008 at 5:06 am
I totally wear gardening gloves. I CANNOT IMAGINE NOT WEARING THEM.
14. Jen | May 22nd, 2008 at 5:09 am
I also want to know what in the hootenanny is a horny worm?? Because I am picturing a harmless little squirmy worm with tiny horns, and I am also picturing worms doing the hump.
15. jonniker | May 22nd, 2008 at 5:15 am
HAHAHA, okay, horny worms are not sexualized little beings, but instead, are these little orange wormy looking things with … with … HORNS. GAH GAH GAH.
16. Lawyerish | May 22nd, 2008 at 6:19 am
You know, every once in a while, I lament living in the city because I will never be able to try gardening. It’s part of my weird Martha Stewart fantasy life, in which I bake homemade pies in a big house with a white picket fence, and for fun I find unique ways to use vinegar to clean things. In that fantasy, I spend hours in a white linen smock tending to my prize-winning hydrangeas and plucking fat ripe tomatoes off the vine to serve at dinner with my own secret recipe seasoned salt.
Now I know that fantasy will never come to be — for many reasons, but chiefly because I would die a sudden death the moment anything with HORNS came crawling out of the ground while I troweled the moist earth. NO. A city girl I am, and a city girl I shall remain.
17. Sadie | May 22nd, 2008 at 7:05 am
So, what would happen if you simply refused the “eating first” charade with your tiny dog, set her food down for her and walked off? Eventually don’t you think she’d get hungry enough to eat it? Or would Sunny actually die of starvation next to a full bowl of dog chow? Because then I would have to agree that, wow, you *have* Fucked Up your dog.
Also, gardening: I was actually pleased to discover it is good exercise, because I only like to get exercise doing things I would otherwise do anyway. And I find that it’s especially good cardio, because sometimes I run screaming and flailing across the lawn when I get a spider on my arm. OH GOD that reminds me: never leave your gardening gloves outside, even on the deck or in the garage…spiders like to uh, get in them.
18. Kristin H | May 22nd, 2008 at 7:16 am
Most bugs don’t…well, bug me. But tomato worms are the worst. When I first had my own garden, I kept finding the leaves of my tomato plants all stripped down, but I didn’t know why. Then one day I realized the plants were loaded with these gross, fat, green worms. I immediate freaked and stated breaking off the branches they were on, because I couldn’t bear to touch them. But I didn’t know what to do with them, so I put them on the ground to stomp them into oblivion. But when I broght my foot down, their green worm innard juice squirted me IN THE FACE!
God, I’m grossed out all over again and that was at least 10 years ago. And if you aren’t familiar with tomato worms, I recommend not googling them. Sick, sick, sick.
19. lizgwiz | May 22nd, 2008 at 7:29 am
We had a thing where you had to sing the alphabet song three times while holding a match, so you had to sing it really, really fast to avoid burning your fingers. Ah, good times.
I have no problem with things creepy-crawly, for the most part. (I don’t like fleas, roaches or mosquitos.) The main thing to remember about brown recluses is that they are, indeed, reclusive. If you see a spider hanging out in the open…not a recluse. But if you’re poking into corners and dusty, unused spaces…watch your fingers. And if you leave gardening shoes sitting around outside, make sure they’re unoccupied before you slide your feet in!
20. jonniker | May 22nd, 2008 at 7:33 am
Kristin: TOO LATE. I have already HEARD OF THE TOMATO WORM. My hairdresser told me about it. And I died. Totally died.
Except can I tell you that they bother me a lot less than others, because they’re GREEN? That’s stupid, I know, but something about a green bug seems friendlier. Like a walking stick or a praying mantis (although between you and me, GARHGHTKLETH PRAYING MANTISES SO BIG SO BIG OMG)
21. Jen | May 22nd, 2008 at 7:38 am
OH man, I just googled “tomato worm” because for some reason I cannot say no to googling, and it wasn’t too bad (they are green and maybe a little friendlier – I agree) until I saw the picture that came up of one with white EGGS ALL OVER ITS BACK. I am still SHUDDERING AT THE GROSSNESS. Clustered EGGS. GAH.
22. jonniker | May 22nd, 2008 at 7:42 am
Jen: WASP EGGS. And if you get that kind of worm, you’re supposed to LEAVE IT ALONE SO IT KILLS THE OTHERS WITH THE WASPY-NESS.
GARHGHTKELGHTLHAAAAAAAAAAAA.
23. Kristin H | May 22nd, 2008 at 7:50 am
Yeah, those eggs are a parasite that is going to kill the worm. Still, what a sight. I think the fatness of the worm, and all those legs, is what gets me. That and the juice trauma. I love that the worm’s greenness makes it more friendly to you. So endearing! (Also endearing: the image of you pretending to eat dog food. You will be an excellent mom.)
24. Maya | May 22nd, 2008 at 8:23 am
I will never be a gardener – no way Jose. Though my neighbors would have a ton of fun listening to me scream and yelp each time I spotted a bug…oh and in all honesty they would also see some flailing and running in circles while screaming because that just makes the agony of seeing a spider somewhat bearable.
25. Cobwebs | May 22nd, 2008 at 8:57 am
Brown recluses tend to like dry, quiet places, so definitely wear gloves when you’re poking around in storage areas and other out-of-the-way spots. Their bites do have a tendency to necrotize, although as I understand it if you apply heat to the bite it helps denature the venom. My sister obsessively collected stuffed animals when we were kids, and it was only after she developed several nasty black bites on her abdomen that we realized there were recluses living in her giant pile o’ animals; she apparently never felt them bite.
If you’re coming over all rural, you might consider getting a chicken or two to help eat bugs in the garden. Omlet’s “Eglu” is a cute self-contained chicken coop. (http://www.omlet.co.uk/)
26. Shelly | May 22nd, 2008 at 9:00 am
What are HORNY worms? Gak!! Worms are sort of like snakes and snakes are my huge fear…so a horny worm, is LIKE a horny snake, which is too much to bear……no matter which kind of horny the snake is……………a snake with horns or a snake humping……either is somthing that would send me for some ‘quiet time’ in a PADDED ROOM.
I also don’t garden……physical labor is, well physical, and I don’t like it. So, my dad and Mr. Perfectly work in the garden and I eat the stuff. I sound very princessey today, huh?
My dogs try to eat MY food…when I’m EATING it….so I kind of wish they’d let me be alpha for a while……….fighting them during eating is getting old.
27. Shelly | May 22nd, 2008 at 9:04 am
Sorry—I didn’t read comments before I commented……I feel silly, now!
28. jonniker | May 22nd, 2008 at 9:35 am
Oh Shelly, don’t feel silly! It’s a reasonable question and wow, was my description … scary. because I did NOT think of the idea of an aroused worm until y’all brought it up.
29. Emily | May 22nd, 2008 at 12:05 pm
As someone who has seen (at the dog park) the effects of a dog filling the alpha-void in its owner-dog relationship, I would encourage you to embrace your inner alpha!
30. orangepeacock | May 23rd, 2008 at 9:28 am
Cobwebs: Thaaaanks…I’ve always felt reasonably secure indoors, thinking the only things that could get at me in my apartment were roaches, ants, little things…though now I’ve got the heebie jeebies about those too. But BROWN RECLUSES in STUFFED ANIMALS? Gaaaaaahhhhhhhhh.
I just did a shuddery icky dance, and I’m in a public computer lab. That’s how bad this is!
IN STUFFED ANIMALS. Nonononono. That’s it, I’m going to live in a sterilized bubble.
31. Shamelessly Sassy | May 25th, 2008 at 8:47 pm
Do you ave to dress up in all white when you sang the greek song? cause I did? White panty hose wit h white shoes. It was horrid. Also, Felicity is one of my favs when choosing to watch bad tv.
32. Young Girls Young Teens A&hellip | December 7th, 2008 at 1:07 am
Young Girls Young Teens Angus Young…
I can not agree with you in 100% regarding some thoughts, but you got good point of view…
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