It Ain’t Over ‘Til It’s Over

Not that anyone asked, but I am back on Weight Watchers again, this time to lose the seven pounds I gained since February. I know this seems … Draconian, to some, because hey, it’s only seven pounds! But I PROMISED myself I wouldn’t let my weight creep back up again, because seven becomes ten, which can become twenty SO FAST and I worked so hard and … well, you get it, and I hope you don’t think I’m an asshole. This happened, by the way, because of LARGE AMOUNTS of Vermont cheddar and local artisan cheeses and … well, there’s a lot of ridiculously good food here, man. A LOT. Also, the whole reason that I lost the weight in the first place was so that I didn’t become the size of a large airship when and if we got pregnant, and since we’re still trying, it seems wasteful to get huge again before that day comes.

The point is this: if you’re dieting, or even if you aren’t, edamame might be the greatest thing ever. One point! And it takes FOREVER to eat! One point! And you can salt them to your heart’s content and for some reason, this is a perfectly acceptable substitute for potato chips, I don’t know why. (I don’t watch my sodium intake. I know I should, but … I’m not ready to right now. Or ever. I know.) This is a significant step up from the last time I did WW, when I found myself drinking VATS of chicken broth laced with curry to satisfy my salt cravings, mostly at night. I was also getting up to pee approximately 11 times each evening. Isn’t that so sad? CHICKEN BROTH. If I didn’t have an exceedingly healthy relationship with food, I’d wonder if that wasn’t some disordered eating right there.

This would be a great segue to The Omnivore’s Dilemma, if I could get anywhere in it. The introduction is, after all, about America’s eating disorder, born of far too many choices/diets/eating plans. Except that I’ve been “reading” it for two weeks, and I’m on page 73, which means I’m … well, I’m not reading it at all, am I? The thing is, I dread picking it up. It’s okay, I suppose, and the underlying principles are so interesting, it’s just that my GOD, it’s a little too much detail, and I would argue that it’s not even all USEFUL detail. I’m left feeling that surely something can be condensed, and I don’t need to know EVERY INTIMATE DETAIL of the hybridization of corn — just a basic overview would have sufficed. Because I’m still on CORN. CORN CORN CORN. And corn is starting to gross me out, frankly, if only because I’m SO SICK of hearing about it.

CORN. BAH.

A few things that crossed my mind while reading this week’s (or was it last week?) US Weekly:

1) Heidi and Spencer: Do they ever have a photo opportunity that is not staged? Does Heidi know how to make ANY OTHER FACE except that of feigned surprise? I don’t even watch The Hills — I’ve never seen an episode — and yet, I’m left wondering, really? REALLY? Why are they still being photographed?

2) What is the appeal of John Mayer? He’s not attractive in the least, and by all accounts, both anecdotal and published, appears to be a douchebag of astronomic proportions, and YET! Yet. Dude gets play, this time from a very vulnerable-looking Jennifer Aniston (who smokes Merits? Really?) and I don’t even have a particular affection for Aniston, and yet, I would like to shake her and remind her that no, no, really; he’s gross. Pretend he didn’t sing “Your Body Is A Wonderland.” Would you still think he’s hot? That’s what I thought.

3) Why must celebrities be draped over each other like curtains at sporting events? Why, Tom and Gisele? Adam and I have attended many basketball games together — courtside, even, once — and yet, I’ve never had my hand seductively on his knee and we’ve never had lingering kisses over nachos. In fact, I’m pretty sure if I tried to kiss him at a game, he’d brush me off, because dude, we are in MAN TERRITORY. How hard is that?

Then again, since we don’t hold hands, walk pretty far apart from each other and aren’t smiling every second together, I’m pretty sure the magazines would be constantly insisting that we’re feuding, with the headline “Jonna & Adam: It’s OVER!” even though it isn’t.

I hope you had a great long weekend.

*Lenny Kravitz

34 comments May 26th, 2008