The Maker Makes
Not to state the obvious, but the entire concept of The Bachelor(ette) is just. so. ridiculous that I can’t even tolerate it for a second anymore. I don’t know how I — a person who watches “Charmed” and TiVos “The Mole” — reached this place, but I saw a mere moment of it this evening, and I was overcome with annoyance, because COME ON. “I only get one husband.” What a load of SHIT, DeAnna. WHAT A LOAD OF SHIT. You won’t FIND your ACTUAL HUSBAND ON TELEVISION LIKE THIS.
I think if someone told me I had to pick my husband out of a pool of 25 too-pretty men competing for me on television that I … well, I would shoot them all with a giant pellet gun while wearing overalls and brandishing a pitchfork. And PLEASE, do not get me started on the too-pretty man. Extra-pretty men do not make good husbands, this I know. Neither do men who wear cream suits unless it is for a SPECIFIC PURPOSE, and The Bachelorette doesn’t count. Handsome husbands are fine; I’m talking about straight-up PRETTY ones, you know what I mean?
Also, hey! I’ve been with my parents for four days, and I’m tired. I’m not sure how two people almost twice my age manage to run me into a state of exhaustion, but they do, in a good way. And it was awesome, except for the fact that my mom brought lemon bars, which I cannot resist, and my thighs are looking a little thicker for the wear. I froze the remainder of them tonight so that I wouldn’t inhale the entire tray in the middle of the night, because MMMMM LEMONY BUTTERY COOKIES.
One of the unexpected pleasures of my parents’ visits — this was my dad and step-mom, as my step-parents are also my parents as I was so little — is how much they love Adam. They adore him, and I know of all the things I’ve done, they see my marriage as one of the best, and I know that I do, too, but it’s always nice to see it through someone else’s eyes, even if they’re your parents’ biased ones.
ANYWAY, after they left, I spent the entire day — literally, from 11 a.m. to 3 p.m., plus an hour each way — at the hospital having my boob looked at by a boob specialist and some interns — it’s a teaching hospital which, while lovely, is just like Grey’s Anatomy in that while one doctor had his fingers in my boob, he was asking aloud, “Now, when you feel this next, notice how the lump is round? And movable?” They all nodded vigorously, as if to say, “I see the roundness of the boob. I SEE IT.” And then one of the interns (there were two!) stepped forward and felt my boob while telling the other how it feels, “It’s a mobile, detached cyst! Neat!” And then THE OTHER had to have a turn feeling me up, and saying, “Yes! It IS mobile!”
HA HA NEAT.
It was like an all-around sensory experience, and kind of a little creepy as one doctor ultrasounded my right boob while the other awkwardly (and I do mean awkwardly) wiped down my left like she was cleaning a windshield at an intersection for spare quarters. Also, why are the doctors always so surprised that boobs are TENDER when palpated, particularly when they’ve just been hand-cranked into a mammography machine? Note: boobs are fine and not harboring anything murderous.
Added note: It took all day, and involved walking between hospital facilities in one of the hottest days northern Vermont has ever seen. And guess who wasn’t allowed to wear deodorant at all? And sweat through her shirt? GO ON, GUESS. I mopped my underarms down with PURELL before my appointment. GROOOOSSSSS.
This all-day affair is also why, when I met Alert Reader Regina and her bf for a beer while they were in town (Hey readers! Come to my tiny town and I will drink with you, I promise!), I realized at the end of it that I hadn’t eaten anything all day (it was 4:30 p.m. ) and I almost passed RIGHT OUT and was maybe a little out of it during said beer. Sorry, R & M! You’re lovely! It’s NOT YOU, IT’S ME. Also, for some reason, I was surprised that Regina recognized me instantly when I walked in, though I shouldn’t have been.
Have a great Tuesday! Am wildly behind on your blogs and e-mails. Will do that, stat!
*Rufus Wainwright
18 comments June 2nd, 2008