The Maker Makes
June 2nd, 2008
Not to state the obvious, but the entire concept of The Bachelor(ette) is just. so. ridiculous that I can’t even tolerate it for a second anymore. I don’t know how I — a person who watches “Charmed” and TiVos “The Mole” — reached this place, but I saw a mere moment of it this evening, and I was overcome with annoyance, because COME ON. “I only get one husband.” What a load of SHIT, DeAnna. WHAT A LOAD OF SHIT. You won’t FIND your ACTUAL HUSBAND ON TELEVISION LIKE THIS.
I think if someone told me I had to pick my husband out of a pool of 25 too-pretty men competing for me on television that I … well, I would shoot them all with a giant pellet gun while wearing overalls and brandishing a pitchfork. And PLEASE, do not get me started on the too-pretty man. Extra-pretty men do not make good husbands, this I know. Neither do men who wear cream suits unless it is for a SPECIFIC PURPOSE, and The Bachelorette doesn’t count. Handsome husbands are fine; I’m talking about straight-up PRETTY ones, you know what I mean?
Also, hey! I’ve been with my parents for four days, and I’m tired. I’m not sure how two people almost twice my age manage to run me into a state of exhaustion, but they do, in a good way. And it was awesome, except for the fact that my mom brought lemon bars, which I cannot resist, and my thighs are looking a little thicker for the wear. I froze the remainder of them tonight so that I wouldn’t inhale the entire tray in the middle of the night, because MMMMM LEMONY BUTTERY COOKIES.
One of the unexpected pleasures of my parents’ visits — this was my dad and step-mom, as my step-parents are also my parents as I was so little — is how much they love Adam. They adore him, and I know of all the things I’ve done, they see my marriage as one of the best, and I know that I do, too, but it’s always nice to see it through someone else’s eyes, even if they’re your parents’ biased ones.
ANYWAY, after they left, I spent the entire day — literally, from 11 a.m. to 3 p.m., plus an hour each way — at the hospital having my boob looked at by a boob specialist and some interns — it’s a teaching hospital which, while lovely, is just like Grey’s Anatomy in that while one doctor had his fingers in my boob, he was asking aloud, “Now, when you feel this next, notice how the lump is round? And movable?” They all nodded vigorously, as if to say, “I see the roundness of the boob. I SEE IT.” And then one of the interns (there were two!) stepped forward and felt my boob while telling the other how it feels, “It’s a mobile, detached cyst! Neat!” And then THE OTHER had to have a turn feeling me up, and saying, “Yes! It IS mobile!”
HA HA NEAT.
It was like an all-around sensory experience, and kind of a little creepy as one doctor ultrasounded my right boob while the other awkwardly (and I do mean awkwardly) wiped down my left like she was cleaning a windshield at an intersection for spare quarters. Also, why are the doctors always so surprised that boobs are TENDER when palpated, particularly when they’ve just been hand-cranked into a mammography machine? Note: boobs are fine and not harboring anything murderous.
Added note: It took all day, and involved walking between hospital facilities in one of the hottest days northern Vermont has ever seen. And guess who wasn’t allowed to wear deodorant at all? And sweat through her shirt? GO ON, GUESS. I mopped my underarms down with PURELL before my appointment. GROOOOSSSSS.
This all-day affair is also why, when I met Alert Reader Regina and her bf for a beer while they were in town (Hey readers! Come to my tiny town and I will drink with you, I promise!), I realized at the end of it that I hadn’t eaten anything all day (it was 4:30 p.m. ) and I almost passed RIGHT OUT and was maybe a little out of it during said beer. Sorry, R & M! You’re lovely! It’s NOT YOU, IT’S ME. Also, for some reason, I was surprised that Regina recognized me instantly when I walked in, though I shouldn’t have been.
Have a great Tuesday! Am wildly behind on your blogs and e-mails. Will do that, stat!
*Rufus Wainwright
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
18 Comments Add your own
1. -R- | June 2nd, 2008 at 7:26 pm
Do not apologize for watching The Mole. I love The Mole! Even though I can never tell who the mole is.
2. Mandee | June 2nd, 2008 at 8:27 pm
I’ve never been sucked into the Bachelor/Bachelorette phenomenon, but must admit that I caved this week. It was solely prompted by running into the Bachelorette at the grocery store last week. BUT I DID NOT ENJOY IT.
3. Angella | June 2nd, 2008 at 8:32 pm
One of our good friends had a vasectomy. The doctor had him prepped, with his Dude sticking out of the cover sheet.
In walks a bunch of interns, mostly WOMEN.
Yep. Awesome.
(Speaking of beers? I hate beer, but love a cocktail. Will I be doing the standard “Cheers” with you at BlogHer?)
4. tutugirl1345 | June 2nd, 2008 at 8:43 pm
I’m glad that they didn’t find anything scary! I’ve totally been there with 10,000 people touching your boob and discussing it over your head, while you’re just sitting there, wondering whether its malignant, benign, or they just discovered your twin.
5. banana | June 2nd, 2008 at 9:09 pm
I was so annoyed by this very same show tonight that I was compelled to write a post about it too. It is, I think, the worst show on television. Maybe Flavor of Love is worse?
6. Blythe | June 3rd, 2008 at 3:14 am
I only caught the very first season of The Mole, when it was hosted by Anderson Cooper. And now, whenever I see him (and love him and purchase his book in hardcover), it gives me hope that even goofballs like me who once made a living answering the phones at a suction cup factory might one day appear on Oprah. (Yes, I know his mother is Gloria Vanderbilt. My mom is awesome too; that counts, right?)
7. carolyn | June 3rd, 2008 at 3:58 am
He said neat. Ha Ha.
At my 6 week check up after my first daughter was born I had a team of students watching as my OBGYN did the breast exam and right there in the tiny room with loads of onlookers my boob betrayed me and squired milk right in his face. Wanted to DIE.
8. Raven | June 3rd, 2008 at 5:32 am
Speaking from past boob biopsy experience “round and mobile” is good thing, yes?
Sorry it was such a trying experience though
9. Amity | June 3rd, 2008 at 5:59 am
Dude, Regina totally didn’t tell me she was visiting you. I’m jealous now. (Although now there’s only one degree of separation between me and jonniker, and I can drink beer with R&M any time I want. That is, until they move to VT. Then I’ll just have to come visit and drink been with you, too!)
10. Lori | June 3rd, 2008 at 6:05 am
Oh how I’d love Anderson to do a cameo on The Mole…
11. Jess | June 3rd, 2008 at 6:21 am
I don’t think that parents necessarily are biased when it comes to assessing their kids’ marriages. If anything, they are probably super critical because they are so concerned about their child’s happiness. So I think it’s an extra good thing that your parents love Adam so much.
12. Jamie | June 3rd, 2008 at 6:53 am
I’m so sorry for the injustices your boobs have endured. That kind of…display…sounds just miserable.
13. ms picket to you | June 3rd, 2008 at 7:02 am
when i was 20 i had a little down-sizing in the boob department. best thing i ever did by the by, but at the time it was like a major, major embarrassing secret. so i’m back working at the deli and this woman walks in, a resident at the hospital where said downsizing occurred, and says, loudly, “omg, i totally watched them remove your nipple!”
i was like, huh? i think this kind of blathering totally goes against that whole oath your supposed to take.
anyhoo, back to the tivo-d Bachelorette.
14. Jen | June 3rd, 2008 at 12:30 pm
I wonder if those interns feel awkward. I would just like those two who got excited about your cyst’s mobility to feel a tiny bit uncomfortable (and maybe nerdy).
Lemon bars are a GIFT from above.
15. Swistle | June 3rd, 2008 at 4:44 pm
*happy sigh* It’s nice to have you back!
16. Kristin | June 3rd, 2008 at 4:53 pm
Ooo! Ooo! I will actually be in Burlington visiting my mom for a week around Christmas! If you’re in town, maybe a beer will be feasible.
(This is much better than my other plan, which might have involved figuring out what town you live in and conveniently finding myself in the same coffee shop you frequent, even though I don’t know which one that is, and being all OH HAI, FANCY MEETING YOU HERE!
17. Carolyn J. | June 3rd, 2008 at 5:38 pm
I don’t like to brandish a pitchfork while I fire a gun – it throws my aim off.
18. Camels & Chocolate | June 3rd, 2008 at 7:09 pm
I’m sorry, but how douchey are all of her prospective husbands? And I never liked DEE-AHHNA in the first place because she a) doesn’t pronounce her name right (she’s from Georgia, not the north!) and b) gives us Southerners a bad name. Oh, and I just loved the comment she made, “Yeah, I travel a lot. I’ve been to London and France with my family.” What an idiot. Grrr. You can tell I have about as much hostility toward her as I do Eat, Pray, Love =) But for the record, I still watch. Of course I do.
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