Cold Beverage

It’s 89 degrees in my house right now, as I’m sure it is in yours, at least if you live in the Northeast, and to that, I simply say: WHAT. THE. HELL. I live in VERMONT. Which is CLOSE TO CANADA. It will be snowing here by Sept. 30, and yet I’m sitting here sweating through my clothes — seriously, my shirt is TRANSPARENT right now. You know those music videos where all the women are scantily clad and coated in a thin veneer of sexy sweat? Picture that, except sans sexiness. Oh, and imagine the veneer to be less of a light sheen than a heavy faucet dumping sweat everywhere, kind of like Kevin Garnett looks after cleaning up two wins against the Lakers. (Oh, what? Did I say that Y and Suebob? OH YES I DID, SUCKAHS.)

The whole point of this is to tell you that the only cold beverage we have in the house is a bottle of Cote de Champlain from a local winery and as a result, I’ve sucked down more than half of it since 8:30 p.m. and … well, I’ll tell you that I’m feeling pretty good right about now, so if I say anything inappropriate, forgive me, because I’ve had wine. A lot of wine, and in a very short period of time. But it was COLD wine, and God, did I need cold, because the thermostat inside our house reads a cool 90 degrees (it’s up a degree! HOW LOVELY). Yes, that’s right. It’s NINETY DEGREES. INSIDE THE HOUSE. Yes, yes, we have a window unit in our bedroom, but that only brings it down to 85, because the door won’t shut all the way and OMFG. THE HEAT. THE SWEATY, DRUNK HEAT.

And worse? Adam is talking through a very complex problem right now, and I am merely nodding silently, a sweaty vestige of my usual semi-aware self.

(In other words? DRUUUUNK. And no one knows it except you! I am NODDING like I am TOTALLY FOLLOWING ALONG.)

In other, incongruous (but still UN-SOBER) news, my trip to NYC was so gloriously uneventful that I arrived at Mer’s apartment ahead of schedule, as she hadn’t even changed out of her work clothes (darling shoes. DARLING.), and I felt like some kind of INVETERATE traveler, the kind of person who doesn’t even break a sweat during takeoff (but not the kind who falls ASLEEP before takeoff. Who ARE those people?). I became complacent in my traveling abilities, and coming from a person who used to have to be DRUGGED to fly, this is something, let me tell you.

And then I attempted to come home — never mind the fact that my cab driver was THE WORST DRIVER I’d ever ridden with (seriously, at one point, we legitimately almost crashed into a bus. I screamed, “OH MY GOD A BUS!” which was THE ONLY reason the driver realized that the bus was there. Swerving ensued). This was followed by a flight home where we flew through what the pilot referred to as “some weather” when really, WE ALWAYS HAVE WEATHER. CALL IT A THUNDERSTORM. WE ARE NOT STUPID. And because traffic out of JFK was insane and because it’s only an hour flight, we flew through weather the entire time, never climbing out of the cloud cover, and LET ME TELL YOU, I almost threw up from the turbulence. Oh, and all I could think about was that if I died, Lawyerish would think it was her fault because I was traveling for her baby shower and it would ruin her life and I DO NOT WANT MY DEATH TO RUIN HER LIFE. LIVE, MEREDITH, LIIIIIIVVVE. (I sound like Derek in Grey’s Anatomy, but really, I’m talking about a REAL PERSON.)

(Also, flying in and out of Burlington airport is kind of … well. The mountains kind of creep up on you, and for several moments, you think you are going to FLY INTO THE MOUNTAINS. AND DIE. And then you don’t. Surprise!)

And for one last abrupt change of gears, is it ever surprising to you when someone you like or even LOVE really likes or even LOVES someone you really can’t stand? And isn’t this so SURPRISING? I worked with a guy once — who I loved — who talked so highly of one of my colleagues who was an intrepid dolt with what I perceived as the personality of a weasel, and I could NOT figure out why he liked her so. Every so often, I encounter this phenomenon again and again and it never fails to mystify me. Do you know what I mean? Like, CLEARLY the world must know that so-and-so is an idiot and yet, they are beloved by people you know and love. MYSTIFYING.

[Edited to add due to PROXIMITY ISSUES that I didn't think of: This is not remotely related to poor Lawyerish or her husband or friends, who I universally loved. Like, for real. JUST MAKING THAT CLEAR. HEH.]

I’m off to refill my wine glass with more merciful cold wine. Look for my prone, lifeless body in a bed near you.

Happy Tuesday!

*G-Love and Special Sauce

38 comments June 9th, 2008