Cold Beverage
June 9th, 2008
It’s 89 degrees in my house right now, as I’m sure it is in yours, at least if you live in the Northeast, and to that, I simply say: WHAT. THE. HELL. I live in VERMONT. Which is CLOSE TO CANADA. It will be snowing here by Sept. 30, and yet I’m sitting here sweating through my clothes — seriously, my shirt is TRANSPARENT right now. You know those music videos where all the women are scantily clad and coated in a thin veneer of sexy sweat? Picture that, except sans sexiness. Oh, and imagine the veneer to be less of a light sheen than a heavy faucet dumping sweat everywhere, kind of like Kevin Garnett looks after cleaning up two wins against the Lakers. (Oh, what? Did I say that Y and Suebob? OH YES I DID, SUCKAHS.)
The whole point of this is to tell you that the only cold beverage we have in the house is a bottle of Cote de Champlain from a local winery and as a result, I’ve sucked down more than half of it since 8:30 p.m. and … well, I’ll tell you that I’m feeling pretty good right about now, so if I say anything inappropriate, forgive me, because I’ve had wine. A lot of wine, and in a very short period of time. But it was COLD wine, and God, did I need cold, because the thermostat inside our house reads a cool 90 degrees (it’s up a degree! HOW LOVELY). Yes, that’s right. It’s NINETY DEGREES. INSIDE THE HOUSE. Yes, yes, we have a window unit in our bedroom, but that only brings it down to 85, because the door won’t shut all the way and OMFG. THE HEAT. THE SWEATY, DRUNK HEAT.
And worse? Adam is talking through a very complex problem right now, and I am merely nodding silently, a sweaty vestige of my usual semi-aware self.
(In other words? DRUUUUNK. And no one knows it except you! I am NODDING like I am TOTALLY FOLLOWING ALONG.)
In other, incongruous (but still UN-SOBER) news, my trip to NYC was so gloriously uneventful that I arrived at Mer’s apartment ahead of schedule, as she hadn’t even changed out of her work clothes (darling shoes. DARLING.), and I felt like some kind of INVETERATE traveler, the kind of person who doesn’t even break a sweat during takeoff (but not the kind who falls ASLEEP before takeoff. Who ARE those people?). I became complacent in my traveling abilities, and coming from a person who used to have to be DRUGGED to fly, this is something, let me tell you.
And then I attempted to come home — never mind the fact that my cab driver was THE WORST DRIVER I’d ever ridden with (seriously, at one point, we legitimately almost crashed into a bus. I screamed, “OH MY GOD A BUS!” which was THE ONLY reason the driver realized that the bus was there. Swerving ensued). This was followed by a flight home where we flew through what the pilot referred to as “some weather” when really, WE ALWAYS HAVE WEATHER. CALL IT A THUNDERSTORM. WE ARE NOT STUPID. And because traffic out of JFK was insane and because it’s only an hour flight, we flew through weather the entire time, never climbing out of the cloud cover, and LET ME TELL YOU, I almost threw up from the turbulence. Oh, and all I could think about was that if I died, Lawyerish would think it was her fault because I was traveling for her baby shower and it would ruin her life and I DO NOT WANT MY DEATH TO RUIN HER LIFE. LIVE, MEREDITH, LIIIIIIVVVE. (I sound like Derek in Grey’s Anatomy, but really, I’m talking about a REAL PERSON.)
(Also, flying in and out of Burlington airport is kind of … well. The mountains kind of creep up on you, and for several moments, you think you are going to FLY INTO THE MOUNTAINS. AND DIE. And then you don’t. Surprise!)
And for one last abrupt change of gears, is it ever surprising to you when someone you like or even LOVE really likes or even LOVES someone you really can’t stand? And isn’t this so SURPRISING? I worked with a guy once — who I loved — who talked so highly of one of my colleagues who was an intrepid dolt with what I perceived as the personality of a weasel, and I could NOT figure out why he liked her so. Every so often, I encounter this phenomenon again and again and it never fails to mystify me. Do you know what I mean? Like, CLEARLY the world must know that so-and-so is an idiot and yet, they are beloved by people you know and love. MYSTIFYING.
[Edited to add due to PROXIMITY ISSUES that I didn't think of: This is not remotely related to poor Lawyerish or her husband or friends, who I universally loved. Like, for real. JUST MAKING THAT CLEAR. HEH.]
I’m off to refill my wine glass with more merciful cold wine. Look for my prone, lifeless body in a bed near you.
Happy Tuesday!
*G-Love and Special Sauce
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
38 Comments Add your own
1. -R- | June 9th, 2008 at 7:25 pm
I have been thinking of the last issue recently too. I have a really cool, funny friend whose husband has ZERO sense of humor and is amazingly pretentious. And I have a guy friend who I think is going to propose to the most annoying woman on Earth. What the heck, people! You are much too wonderful to be with your significant other!
2. Jess | June 9th, 2008 at 7:31 pm
I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE I ADORE LIKE PEOPLE I CAN’T STAND. Seriously, it drives me CRAZY. CRAAAAAAZY.
Also, landing at one of the DC airports always makes me think we’re going to crash-land in the Potomac. It gets me every time. Gah.
3. Jamie | June 9th, 2008 at 7:31 pm
Dude, I was totally thinking about you earlier – when the weatherman mentioned the heat wave going up and down the east coast, I thought first of Ish’s Baby shower, and then how hilarious this must be to you now that you’ve moved OUT of Florida. And yet, the weather has followed you. WHO’S THE SUCKAH NOW, EH?
That said, I had to read this post three times b/c the only cold beverages in my house are the 4 bottled beers that I began to consume with my dinner at 6pm. Hehe.
4. Anh | June 9th, 2008 at 7:37 pm
It is 11:25PM now and it is still 94Degree in my apartment. I am thinking about putting up my AC. It is 105Degree during the day today, and will be about that again tomorrow.
5. Daily Tragedies | June 9th, 2008 at 7:49 pm
Uh, yeah I live in DC and I can’t verify this (no thermostat in my place) but it is quite possibly 753 degrees in here. The AC in my bedroom, though, is quite a trooper and has gotten the temp at least somwhere south of 80.
Also, because you don’t have reason enough to hate me already, *I* am one of those asleep-before-takeoff fliers. It’s a gift. These days I need to spend my time airborn awake and writing the presentation I’m about to give, so I’m envious of you non-plane sleepers.
6. She Likes Purple | June 9th, 2008 at 8:09 pm
Oh lord, I am the person who falls asleep before takeoff. Am such an asshole. I may as well take it a step further and tell you I can fall asleep anywhere, anytime. If I wake up in the middle of the night because I hear a noise, I can fall back asleep in FIFTEEN seconds. If I tell Mike I’m going to sleep and he comes and checks on me in THIRTY seconds, I’ll already be out. Seriously, it’s kind of irritating and yet also astonishing.
And I’m just going to go ahead and make you hate me even more. One reason Texans can actually live in Texas? Two words: Central. Air. (Everywhere! The gas stations have central air! The schools! The McDonalds’!)
You should totally come visit.
7. Heather B. | June 10th, 2008 at 2:34 am
“but not the kind who falls ASLEEP before takeoff. Who ARE those people?”
ME!! I can’t help it either. I’ll try to open a book or read the last pages of an article in a magazine. But something about that window seat and that seat back and tray table being up and locked that makes me so damn tired. Or maybe it’s just that after all the running through the airport and stripping for TSA I am exhausted.
8. AndreAnna | June 10th, 2008 at 4:29 am
I’m in Jersey, so I’m with ya.
I have the thermostat set to 70, and yet, the heat is so penetrable, it doesn’t get much lower than 75 in here until the sun goes down.
I realize this is twenty degrees cooler than in your house, but I’m about a frumdrillion months pregnant and would punch a puppy for a cold beer.
Hope you get some relief soon!
9. Raven | June 10th, 2008 at 4:48 am
I feel that way about my brother-in-law, I love him to pieces, but his WIFE. OMG! I have named her evil sister-in-law or ESIL for short.
Also, what Jess said about the DC landing. I think that is the only time I have been completely freaked out on a plane. Why do they not WARN YOU?
10. TwoBusy | June 10th, 2008 at 5:01 am
My central a/c installation is supposed to finish today. Just in time for the end of the heat wave.
(slamming head against desk)
11. Sadie | June 10th, 2008 at 5:05 am
It was so hot in Connecticut when I got home from work yesterday that my own dog gave me the finger for not leaving the A/C on for him. I did not even know dogs HAD fingers. I’ve always thought people from the rest of the country misunderstand New England’s climate and assume we have temperate breezy summers. WRONG. It’s just as hot here as it is in goddamn Florida at times, except we don’t have any central air and all our frillion lush trees are filling the air with disgusting humidity.
I’m with you about sleeping before takeoff – I am not a nervous flyer but that’s just not going to happen. I need to be alert! observant! suss out which passengers are going to be the most annoying for the duration!
12. carolyn | June 10th, 2008 at 5:13 am
I live in Atlanta and it’s freakishly Africa HOT right now. But it’s Atlanta so it’s supposed to be hot but not this early for god’s sake! The kids keep leaving the door open and I scream, “don’t let out the store bought air!” Summer…
13. Shelly | June 10th, 2008 at 5:28 am
The heat…the HUMIDITY….My husband has panic attacks if we have to turn our A/C on before June, and guess what? The sucker was on in MAY……..I live in a volatile climate……..95 one day, and 75 the next….tornadoes one day, bright and sunny the next. The ‘schtick’ about living in MO is if you don’t like the weather, WAIT AN HOUR and it’ll change……
I sweat like a pig……at the LEAST amount of effort. We went to a big box home store to pick out flowers, and 15 minutes into it, I was DRIPPING…..DRIPPING…..how humiliating…I’ve always assumed it’s because I’m of the heavier sort, but looking back, I’ve always been a person who sweats. Even when I wasn’t heavy………I had to go to the GROCERY store with wet pig tail type curls at my temples–my hair is curly and FRIZZY and thin and fine, so I make a LOVELY summer goddess with my sweat laden face, and halo of frizzy, out of control ringlets…….that don’t really look like ringlets, but maybe a squirrels tail.
Cold wine? From a local winery? You and I are long lost sisters, as I drank nearly an entire bottle of a fizzy, pink, sweet catabwa type concoction that was COOOOLLLDDD on Friday. Let me tell you, I’m 42, and it’s been YEARS since the ‘room is spinning’ days…….yep……I was pretty toasted (for me, that is..I never get so drunk I get sick…I have that pesky fear of VOMIT).
I feel for you northern/easterners with no A/C—-I’d have to DO SOMETHING to remedy that situation….I’m a total wimp in the heat.
Hope it cools off soon…….it’s back to 90 here today (after high 70;s yesterday). And 250% humidity…..ugh.
14. Lawyerish | June 10th, 2008 at 5:48 am
OMG, I TOTALLY would have DIED from the guilt if your plane had gone down. Your mom would have beat me up at the funeral (“It was YOU. YOOOOOUUUUU!!”) and Adam would spit in my face, and everyone would have been glaring at me during the eulogy — it would have been very ugly. So I’m very glad that the “weather” was the worst it got in terms of your flight. Since, you know, it’s all about me.
Also, I feel it somehow necessary to point out that the last point IS NOT ABOUT ME OR ANYONE I KNOW. Because Jonna loved all of my friends and husband, and if she hadn’t she would have told me so, because we’re cool like that. I just didn’t want the proximity of the visit/flight story to that comment to be seen as a veiled reference.
15. Tessie | June 10th, 2008 at 5:51 am
So funny about Burlington; I always feel that way when flying into Boston. Like, OKAY. THIS IS THE TIME WE CRASH INTO THE OCEAN. I mean, it’s like you BARELY MISS IT. EVERY TIME.
16. jonniker | June 10th, 2008 at 5:56 am
OMG, NO NO, It’s not about anyone REMOTELY related to Lawyerish. Those are completely unrelated thoughts. It didn’t occur to me that they could be, because I’m CLUELESS in my non-sober stream of consciousness.
I was actually thinking of my high school friend’s wife, if I’m honest. No one who reads here, but I LOVE my friend and I DO NOT LOVE his wife. At all. And I remain mystified as to why he does, because every time I see her, she’s AWFUL. AND MEAN.
Also, Tessie: YES. Boston is JUST like that. All over the ocean WITH THE LANDING GEAR DOWN and then BOOM! Land. Oh HELLO LAND.
Landing in Burlington is also a little like that, but with Lake Champlain PLUS the mountains. Harrowing all around.
17. moo | June 10th, 2008 at 5:59 am
That is the problem with the northeast … they think they are impervious to heatwaves and so no one has A/C (that works) … yet then there are these HOT SUMMER DAYS and y’all complain about hooooow hoooooot it is.
Florida was hot. The only difference was the A/C.
You’ll be rubbing it in our faces when it snows on Sept. 30 and we’re still at 90.
18. H | June 10th, 2008 at 7:35 am
I’m sorry for your heat woes. Here – we are floating, drowning in water. The rain – it stops for an hour and then we get a white-out downpour. Next up? Mosquitoes. I know those suckers (pun intended) are out there breeding and breeding, soon to lay their larvae in the standing water and in a few weeks – BAM – we’ll be eaten alive when we step out the door. Husband has had West Nile (he did not enjoy it) so the rest of us bathe in DEET. Well, I try to get the teenagers to bathe in DEET.
19. Marie Green | June 10th, 2008 at 9:25 am
I am also mystified when people who I cannot stand (always for GOOD REASON, obv.) are really good friends with people that I love. I just DON’T understand it.
20. Swistle | June 10th, 2008 at 10:46 am
I DON’T GET IT EITHER. People I dislike—aren’t they OBJECTIVELY AWFUL? How can someone I previously supposed to be an intelligent and discriminating individual LIKE someone who is AWFUL?
21. Camels & Chocolate | June 10th, 2008 at 11:25 am
Um, it’s that hot where I live, too. In bloody SAN FRANCISCO! Before I moved here, people continued to tell me, “Oh, it never gets above 60′s there.” Well, take your 60′s and shove it, people, it’s close to 90! And seriously, houses in SF don’t have A/C because um, they usually don’t need them, so it makes it all the more unbearable! I’m with ya, sister! I “worked” yesterday from my backyard in my bikini — something I never thought I’d do in the Bay Area. I’m from sticky TN and I still find these conditions miserable!
22. ali | June 10th, 2008 at 11:58 am
i think i’m the only person on the planet who *likes* this kind of heat. don’t hate me!
also? i *might* fall asleep on airplanes before the flight takes off. maybe.
23. ZestyJenny | June 10th, 2008 at 12:51 pm
I know I’ve only commented like once ever, and you’re probably thinking, “who is this beyotch in my comments?” but I love you a lot, you just don’t know it. Anyway, the whole friends liking somone you can’t stand issue? That’s exactly how I felt when you bashed Hillary and SJP in the same post. You broke my Jonna loving heart.
I’ve moved past it. Will support Obama, of course. Still love SATC.
kisses!
24. ZestyJenny | June 10th, 2008 at 12:52 pm
Oh, also? It’s still winter here in Seattle. I envy your heat.
25. Mauigirl52 | June 10th, 2008 at 3:05 pm
I love your writing, it always makes me smile! Hold on, it’s only till tomorrow and then it’s supposed to cool down. I hope they are right!
And congratulations on your bravery in flying! But I totally hear you about the mountains. There are certain airports that scare the heck out of me. Boston’s Logan Airport was always fun – till the last moment you didn’t know if you were going to land on the runway or hit the seawall and fall in the ocean.
26. Mauigirl52 | June 10th, 2008 at 3:07 pm
Just realized Tessie said the same thing about Boston, LOL!
27. Sara | June 10th, 2008 at 3:09 pm
Totally unrelated to your post, but I noticed the 350 challenge badge in your sidebar and wanted to thank you for putting that up there so we could all learn about it. I just added it to my blog!
Also, I think your drunk posts are by far my favorite.
28. Leaf, probably... | June 10th, 2008 at 3:11 pm
So you’re pretty much drinking wine in a sauna… I’ll bet that gave you the BEST hangover.
I avoid mirrors during crazy heatwaves because I like to imagine I’m like the women in music videos – scantily clad and coated in a thin veneer of sexy sweat. The frazzled and distinctly sweaty reality is something I’d rather just block out entirely.
29. jonniker | June 10th, 2008 at 3:53 pm
ZestyJenny: HOO BOY. I’m sorry about that. And you know, the thing is, I don’t DISLIKE SJP, per se. I just … I just think she’s an awful actress. Hillary, I used to like and now … well, not so much. Bill, too. I’m SORRY. I AM.
Except, can I tell you that I’m less turned off when people DISLIKE something I DO LIKE than I am by people who actively LIKE something I TOTALLY CANNOT STAND. Or actually, it only comes down to people. Political figures and movies I’m good with. But people? TOXIC people? IS SO FRUSTRATING TO ME.
30. Style Bard | June 10th, 2008 at 4:12 pm
Hahahaha…. ditto with Jess’s first exclamation. HAAATE that. It drives me nuts. And you’re looking at you, you’re looking at your friend, you’re looking at the detestable person and like — WHICH ONE OF US IS WRONG?
And I am like a children’s song of some sort when it comes to falling asleep. On a plane, in the car, on a boat, on a train… before takeoff? HA! Try before they board Level C.
And– my FL airport is just like Boston, which is pretty funny that I never realized how natural that felt. Ocean? Maybe! Land? Okay!
31. Karen | June 10th, 2008 at 4:18 pm
Occasionally, but only occasionally, it stops snowing in Canada. Bet you didn’t know that eh? Yeah, it sucks because our igloos melt.
32. StartsWithAnX | June 10th, 2008 at 4:34 pm
I love that you brought that up, among the bevy of other things you brought up. I’ve determined that, unless I’m related to them, if someone I think is great loves someone I think is horrible then I simply can’t think that person is great anymore.
Actually, I guess it does apply to family, too. I see my sister-in-law as a character flaw of my brother’s.
33. Danielle-Lee | June 10th, 2008 at 8:45 pm
I SWEAR I was the only one that knew you were referring to G Love & Special Sauce, as soon as I saw your title. I LOVE them! My baby’s got sauce is my all-time favorite!!!
I’m in texas-I’m used to the heat, love the sun, but still don’t like the damn tornadoes that come out of NOWHERE on spring and summer afternoons. Maddening.
34. Sara | June 11th, 2008 at 11:02 am
What does it matter that you are CLOSE TO CANADA? We get hot weather too, news flash! We don’t live in Igloos.
35. jonniker | June 11th, 2008 at 11:25 am
Oh fer christ’s sake, no one thinks Canadians live in IGLOOS. Really, it wasn’t a knock on Canadians at all (Do people commonly think that? Is it a prejudice I accidentally walked into?). I simply meant it’s ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE COUNTRY. NORTH TO SOUTH. Which, you would think, would have drastically different weather than FLORIDA, which is tropical, and also southernmost! I mean, no one thinks Canada is tropical.
I meant it’s at the northernmost part of the country! You can’t GET any cooler in the US than here, or SO I STUPIDLY THOUGHT AS I SWEAT THROUGH MY CLOTHES. Also worth noting, as I said in e-mail to someone, all I heard before I moved here was that IT NEVER GETS WARM and OMG YOU’RE GOING TO FREEZE. HA HA. Liars.
(Still sweating, btw. Sort of wishing I’d never left Florida.)
36. Karen | June 11th, 2008 at 12:40 pm
Oh jonniker, my igloo comment was meant to be funny, not rude, but I guess I failed sorry.
For what it’s worth, I live on the We(s)t coast and it does bug me out every winter when people are like “whooooo Canada – COLD” and I’m sitting here in the RAIN, hovering well above freezing, watching snowstorms in your neck of the woods (or wherever) that paralyze cities.
Our weather here is very similar to Seattle’s. Canada does not equal “the coldest place in North America”. My weather is often warmer than many places in the States. It’s just a lot of times when we hear comments like that it is a sweeping generalization that I know you are not trying to make (I get it was a joke, my comment was meant to be too. Am not as funny as you. Obviously). It’s like a Canadian saying “Oh I was in Texas one summer. It sure is hot in the States! All the time! Everywhere!”
I guess if you hear Canadians bugging on this subject we are just trying to say this is a VAST country with wildly varying climates. And quite frankly…while a LOT of people outside Canada realize we don’t live in igloos, there is an amazing amount of ignornance about our beautiful country.
ANYWHOOO. Didn’t mean to be obnoxious, apologies.
Also, I do NOT say “aboot”.
37. jonniker | June 11th, 2008 at 12:50 pm
Oh Karen, I totally get it, and you weren’t obnoxious — that’s left to me. Seriously, I feel bad. I wasn’t trying to be a dick, I just meant that honestly, I hear all the time from my friends who live in Toronto that it’s SO COLD and that they NEVER GET SUMMER and WOE IS ME, THEY MISS REAL SUMMER. I mean, I heard the same from people in Maine and New Hampshire. The northeast is not known for it’s lovely tropical weather — winter can extend through JUNE here. And then when I was moving here, all I kept hearing was how I was going to FREEEEZE and did I know what I was GETTING INTO because VERMONT IS COOOOOLLLLD. EVEN IN SUMMER. THERE IS NO SUMMER. THEY GET LIKE TWO NICE DAYS A YEAR. It is SO FAR NORTH, YOU IDIOT, JONNA DON’T GO THERE.
Also, if I was thinking about it at all, I did specifically mean the eastern portion of Canada, as you know, an extension of the Northeast in general. I know that the west (mmmm … VANCOUVER) has infinitely preferable weather. I mean, I know it rains a lot (my aunt lives just across the border from Vancouver), but man. It gets springy a helluva lot earlier there than it does in the Northeast. I LOVE the Pacific Northwest.
And I guess it is sort of true about the east coast, though, right, given that until three weeks ago, you could still SKI in parts of VT and uh, eastern Canada? (SKIING. IN MAY. GAAAH.)
We are unique weather snowflakes! Yay!
38. Karen | June 11th, 2008 at 1:03 pm
Yes, VANCOUVER! Come visit sometime, you will fall in love. I personally don’t mind the rain because it makes everything green green green!
Toronto – totally different. Like Seattle to ummmm, Detroit? I’m not going to start THAT war on your site though. (Vancouver vs. Toronto is a popular argument around here. We win though. Kidding!)
I picture Vermont as beautiful fall colours. And you see Vancouver as springy. Let’s stick with that.
Having said all that, it’s ass cold here right now (10 C). Brrrr.
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