Rainfall
June 16th, 2008
We’ve been enduring rain of Biblical proportions and twice — TWICE — in the last few days, my beet shoots have been run off in a swell of water and at one point, my lettuce was DROWNING. I never thought I’d be so protective of a pile of plants, but there I was, standing woefully in the rain as though in a gardening-themed wet T-shirt contest wailing, “MY LETTUCE!” Honestly, you’d think my village was being raped and pillaged and the last of the food stores was trickling off in a wave of horror. And frankly, it was all for naught, for my veggies survived wonderfully, with the exception of my beets, the final batch of which were essentially washed away during this afternoon’s monsoon. I mourn the loss of a pickling-friendly vegetable, botulism be damned.
Also, a plea to anyone out there who can help: Am I the only person who’s Clearblue Easy fertility monitor has FREAKED THE HELL OUT? I mean, I pee on the stick in the morning, yet the monitor doesn’t recognize that it’s a new day until — oh my God — THREE O’CLOCK IN THE AFTERNOON. And by 3 p.m. I have completely forgotten about the whole ritual and as a result, I’m not really using it, but let’s be honest, it’s not like it was working anyway. I’d be better off just WINGING IT at this point.
And hey, if you, like me, won’t be frequenting a spa anytime soon, may I recommend a few slices of cucumber in your water? It’s surprisingly refreshing on a hot day, and if you put on a robe and a pair of fuzzy slippers, you can at least PRETEND that you’re about to rush off to a hot-stone massage, rather than the reality of digging in for a nice load of non-dishwashered DISHES, which are inherently unpleasant, even if you are going to wash them with lavender-scented dishsoap. Like that’s supposed to be SOOTHING. (Actually, it is. Don’t tell anyone.)
And please, indulge me in a moment of brand loyalty. A friend of mine lamented today that she couldn’t find any toilet paper on sale, and frankly, I was a little horrified, because I do not understand this, this non-loyalty to toilet paper. Perhaps its my upbringing that was fraught with one-ply and a childhood of sore backsides, but toilet paper is one area that generic — or a less than optimal brand — should never be leveraged. In fact, generics should not EXIST, and the FDA should be actively involved in this. It’s Cottonelle with Aloe and E or I won’t buy toilet paper. I simply won’t buy it. I was once the same with tampons (Tampax only, and don’t get me started on OB. Who ARE YOU PEOPLE?). And I’m not a brandy-brand type person, like AT ALL.
And finally, three things, also unrelated:
1) My husband is a long-suffering (LONG) Celtics fan, who literally watched every. single. game. for every. single. season. even when they were LAUGHABLE. (I did, too.) And tomorrow night/tonight could be a seriously momentous occasion in his life. Yes, I said it: IN HIS LIFE, and that’s not an exaggeration. This is a championship that could potentially make him give up watching SPORTS. I don’t think you understand what this potential championship means for his life, and our marriage. Lakers fans don’t understand this — they’ve HAD championships in recent memory. So I’m asking you: pray for us. Pray for the Celtics. Save my marriage. Oh, and help Paul Pierce cement his future in the NBA and even get his jersey retired. Because he will, along with Tommy Heinsohn. Larry Bird. Cedric Maxwell? Uh … yeah, Cedric Maxwell.
2) I neglected to mention that at the swimming hole outing over the weekend, I got shit on with the World’s Largest Seagull Poop. I mean, this thing was EPIC, and I’m not even sure why I’m asking you to do a favor for my husband (and a legion of Celtics fans), because he was completely lacking sympathy and, in fact, seemed ANNOYED that I was a little distressed that my head quite suddenly resembled a Port-O-Loo for seagulls. I mean, that turd must have weighed a POUND and will it gross you out immensely if I tell you the only available means of getting rid of it was to jump directly into the lake and that I sort of just washed it out and carried on with the rest of my day? (Because what else, really, was I going to do?)
The real point of this is to tell you that JESUS CHRIST, if you are the type of person who FEEDS THE SEAGULLS, then I’d like you to trudge out into the backyard and stab yourself in the eyeball with the nearest tree branch. Because you — YOU — will not be the person to get POOPED ON. You will be the person who dumbly stands there telling your kids to “Look at the pretty birdies!” and throwing your leftover hoagie rolls at them while they literally SWOOP AND POOP, SWOOP AND POOP. ON EVERYONE ELSE.
3) Just when you thought you were free of my vitriol against Eat Pray Love, my Goodreads friend Amanda asked me to expand on it for her book review site, so I did. And lo, fresh hatred for Elizabeth Gilbert! (And might I tell you that HOO BOY, this feels VERY LOADED after Suzanne Finnamore found my blog and began a mini-email-relationship with me? Incidentally, she occasionally e-mails me to this day and sent me a signed copy of Split, and I love her more now than before, because she’s interminably gracious and outstandingly kind. I sense that I won’t be getting the same treatment from Gilbert unless it’s done with tremendous irony.)
*A Flock of Seagulls. Oh, I’m KILLING MYSELF over here.
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
41 Comments Add your own
1. Melissa | June 16th, 2008 at 7:05 pm
Gull poop? I am 100% percent behind jumping in the lake to rinse off. Plus-which what other option is available? Immediate rinsing in lake water is the only known cure …
Best to your beets. Maybe one survived? Please tell me they all weren’t rinsed away?
2. Laura | June 16th, 2008 at 7:08 pm
The toilet paper thing cracks me up, because I was just asking my husband yesterday why on earth there were so many commercials for the stuff- because there are a stunning amount of them, and they’re all sort of creepy, with the puppies and bears and blue liquid and all. I mean, why advertise? Doesn’t everyone just buy what’s on sale? But here you are, proving me wrong.
3. Camels & Chocolate | June 16th, 2008 at 7:18 pm
I think both of our obsession with disliking Eat, Pray, Love has reached unhealthy levels — I literally want to throw my computer into the wall every time I’m introduced to a new travel blog and the writer lists “Eat, Pray, Love” as a favorite book. I want to scream, “NO REAL TRAVEL WRITER WOULD EVER SAY THAT!!!!! YOU’RE A LIAR!!!! IMPOSTOR!!!”
4. Angella | June 16th, 2008 at 7:25 pm
We use the Kirkland brand of toilet paper from Costco.
Nothing like carting around a humungous package of toilet paper. I feel like people get the idea that I might actually drop a load once in awhile.
5. Mary O | June 16th, 2008 at 7:42 pm
Ha ha. Eat, Pray, Barf is still making me giggle.
6. whoorl | June 16th, 2008 at 7:46 pm
As one of the very few Celtic fans (Paul Pierce rules! Fellow Jayhawk!) living in Southern California, I promise that I will pray for the Celtics and your marriage.
(Although, the prayers aren’t necessary since they are going to WHIP SOME LAKER ASS WOOOOOOOO.)
7. Amy K | June 16th, 2008 at 8:30 pm
I understand the toilet paper thing. My in-laws, who splurge on everything else under the sun, buy single-ply Scott toilet paper, and it actually makes me ANGRY to use the bathroom at their home. When I was in college, someone ran for class president (and won, I think) under the campaign platform of “No more single-ply toilet paper in Duke’s dorm bathrooms!”
8. Suebob | June 16th, 2008 at 9:06 pm
I am not even going there about the Celtics/Lakers. It’s a good thing I hate Kobe or I would (go there). So thank that creepy little shit for keeping me from saying how I feel about those Celtics.
I read “Otherwise Engaged” and really enjoyed it. Hi, Suzanne! I like the journey it took me on – from kind of hating the bride-to-be to kind of liking her. And the writing was great, you’re right. So thanks for that.
The first major screaming crying fight the exMrStapler and I had was about toilet paper. And some other stuff. Apparently Scott tissue is not good enough for his butt. Even though it is superior in every other way, including the fact that you only have to change the roll once a week instead of every other day.
9. slynnro | June 16th, 2008 at 9:41 pm
Sometimes my husband buys something other than Charmin Ultra. Sometimes he has to go to the store twice for the same thing.
10. amber | June 16th, 2008 at 11:09 pm
I too am fiercely loyal to toilet paper: GO CHARMIN OR GO HOME, I say. Or something like that.
11. Val | June 16th, 2008 at 11:31 pm
Are you programming the monitor at 7:30am every month or did you just do it the first time? You have to set it in the window you want every time you start a new cycle. Maybe you are doing this. Its just the only thing I could think of that may be the problem! You can call them if the problem keeps up. There is an 800 number in the instruction booklet somewhere. Good luck!
12. celebrate woo-woo | June 17th, 2008 at 3:27 am
Thankfully, the BJ’s premium toilet paper is on par with my preferred brand of Quilted Northern…does that brand still exist? It’s been a long time since I bought other than my wholesale club generic, but I don’t know how people don’t have “their” brand of toilet paper, either.
13. jonniker | June 17th, 2008 at 3:33 am
Val: Well, it won’t let me program it until it considers it a new day, and if I wait until the FOLLOWING day, I’ve missed the window to make changes, according to It, so it just sits there, frozen and angry. It’s very temperamental, and I’m not sure how we’ve reached this point — to be honest, it all started going downhill around daylight saving time. It’s an angry, bitter little monitor.
14. Kristin H | June 17th, 2008 at 4:40 am
Oh my lord, I could write a book of comments. I totally sympathize with your seagull poop horror. On our honeymoon in Belize, I stepped in a large, fresh pile of dog poop right on the beach. It was so fresh that it squished up in between my toes, and I ran straight into the water, much to the amusement of other people on the beach who actually laughed and pointed. Awesome.
And people who feed seagulls? They are the lowest of low, in my book. Right next to my neighbors, who feed racoons. Thank you, freak-o neighbors.
Lastly, I am an unabashed OB lover. While I appreciate the ease of the applicator, I love how small OBs are. Very concealable in your hand at work on the way to the bathroom. And also? Tampax feels like a corncob to me. I’m sorry.
15. erica | June 17th, 2008 at 4:44 am
Well, finally we disagree on something. Dood, Scott one-ply paper is great, and lasts forever, and doesn’t seem to cause any, um, discomfort in the nether regions. Honestly, that fluffy two-ply shit? C’mon.
But, I agree w/you re: brand loyalty to TP. Once you decide to go with a brand, be it Scott or Quilty McQuiltins Two-Ply (BLECH), that’s a firm decision. You can’t switch from week to week or buy what’s on sale. You just can’t!! Stick with what you know.
16. TwoBusy | June 17th, 2008 at 4:55 am
Not only do you drop an A Flock of Seagulls reference on us, but you pull one out of the “if we release a fifth album but nobody listens, does it actually exist?” ether…
Wow. Just… wow.
17. sweetney | June 17th, 2008 at 5:08 am
i hear you on the OB people. i’m sorry, i just don’t want to be that “hands-on” and involved in that particular part of my existence as a woman. (apologies to the flo lovers
)
18. Jess | June 17th, 2008 at 5:57 am
I only WISH there had been a convenient swimming hole nearby when I got pooed on by SIX GEESE AT ONCE. I still haven’t recovered from the trauma.
Also, we also use Cottonelle, but not with the aloe. The other day I was at the store and they ONLY HAD the aloe kind, and I was TEMPTED–but also HIGHLY SUSPICIOUS. Please, email me and tell me about the aloe. Why is it so good? What is the difference? Is it awkward to be talking so in-depth about toilet paper?
19. Robin | June 17th, 2008 at 6:03 am
I’m in the “it’s just toilet paper” camp, and buy the cheapest (or whichever one uses recycled paper). I have to admit, though, that when I visit my parents I appreciate the cushy kind they have.
Oh, and OB all the way! I’m waaaay more grossed out by the applicator thing (and the grossness of depositing a used applicator in the trash somewhere) than by my own, just-washed skin. Plus, as someone pointed out, they’re way more discreet and more comfortably inserted than the “corncob” tampax.
20. Jamie | June 17th, 2008 at 6:09 am
omfg, OB tampons. gaggggggarghblepthppofjtOHNOES.
i also must say that i have zero loyalties as far as toilet paper goes – i once bought the Scott single-ply and didn’t have to buy it again for at least 3 months. (i’m single and I live alone, what can I say?)
paper towels, on the other hand, bring out the worst in me. It’s Viva or nothing, my friends. I will cut you if you bring some cheap, thin, non-absorbent alternative into my home.
21. jonniker | June 17th, 2008 at 6:10 am
Am fascinated by Tampax-as-corncob, because really? Also, if I’m honest, I’m not at all grossed out by the OB thing itself, it’s that (OMG), I can’t get them in properly. Ever. Not once. I always end up SO UNCOMFORTABLE, with my OB tampon out and about in all the wrong places.
All of this is moot, however, because I have moved on to the Moon Cup, which is far more vomitous than any tampon, to some.
Also, Jamie, SERIOUSLY, on the paper towels? Because I buy generics or whatever’s on sale there. I believe right now it’s Mighty in my kitchen.
22. Sadie | June 17th, 2008 at 6:35 am
I am not brand-loyal to toilet paper, at all – I mean, I DO have standards, and I choose the quilted double rolls, but I pick whichever one’s on sale/the cheapest. Hello, it’s paper you wipe pee and poop on and throw away. While I grew up with single-ply bargain TP and can thankfully now afford two-ply, I am just not that invested in the issue. Except! I DO feel very strongly about NO COLORED TOILET PAPER EVER.
My boyfriend is, I think, the sole ardent Lakers fan in New England (everyone has flaws, right?) and he’s been in a foul mood all through these finals…so I root for the Celtics, but quietly.
23. moo | June 17th, 2008 at 6:35 am
I was a Charmin girl through and through until … I owned my own home. And lord, that stuff can be expensive!!
And lo, now I buy what is on sale. And now I have All Kinds Of Opinions on toilet paper. Also, paper towels. And softsoap, skin cream, shampoo, conditioner, and laundry detergent. Ask me. I’m the bargain hunter/quality product QUEEN.
24. carolyn | June 17th, 2008 at 7:00 am
I had a plumber tell me that Charmin toilet paper kept him in business. Clogging toilets here and fro.
I don’t mind which brand I pick up but you HAVE TO HANG IT THE RIGHT WAY! It has to hang over the top people.
25. Jeanne | June 17th, 2008 at 7:08 am
We feed the seagulls popcorn occassionally, but mostly my daughter just likes to chase them. The last time she did it she got pooped on, so I guess we got what we deserved?
It’s Quilted Northern all the way. I never buy anything else. The husband grew up with Charmin and expected that he’d continue using that for the rest of his life, but I’m not willing to compromise. And until he actually goes out and purchases it himself, he does not win that battle. Also, the paper towels have to be Bounty. Usually the “select-a-size” rolls. Apparently I have very strong feelings about paper products because there’s no way in hell that I’d ever buy any brand of tissues other that Puffs. I feel I should own stock in the company at the rate that we use them.
As for tampons, OB = OH NO! I received a free sample once and just couldn’t get it right. I only used Tampax, but since getting my IUD last year I no longer have a need.
26. StartsWithAnX | June 17th, 2008 at 8:37 am
It’s Cottonelle for us, too. Have no idea how that happened but it did. As for paper towels, Viva all the way. Tampons? Whoever makes the pearl ones. I think it’s Tampax.
27. Emily | June 17th, 2008 at 8:53 am
Charmin or Bust! I grew up with single-ply, but SAW THE LIGHT when I got my own place. Bounty paper towels (white), Bounty napkins (white), and Tampax. OB = No Way. kthnxbai (Also: the moon cup? really? do you recommend it?)
28. Leah | June 17th, 2008 at 9:09 am
I’m with you on the TP issue. Simon’s always looking for the sale items, so I inevitably have to make a speech right there in the store about how TP quality is not something you compromise on. That and mayonnaise–go “lite” and you’ll regret it.
29. Lawyerish | June 17th, 2008 at 9:23 am
I will buy nothing but Charmin, preferably the kind with lotion/aloe. Scott tissue? Seriously? That is like PRISON-GRADE toilet paper. No way.
Also, I am with Jamie on the Viva paper towels. Those things RULE. They are so soft you can blow your nose on them, man. I am a bad guardian of the earth, because I loathe the recycled paper ones. You may as well use notebook paper to try to clean up your spill. Although I do have some Zorbees, and those are an excellent, reusable paper towel substitute.
30. Lara | June 17th, 2008 at 9:47 am
I am snickering about the Flock of Seagulls song. Heh.
Um….who IS this person who has no loyalty to a TP? I’m right there with ya on the cottonelle. Rob often asks me if it was on sale when I come home with it, and I just stare at him blankly and then ask if he remembers my vow that I would never ever ever buy “just whatever’s on sale” when it comes to TP.
Also, I’m joining Lawyerish and Jamie in the chorus of love for Viva paper towels. LOVE.
31. Jen | June 17th, 2008 at 9:57 am
Another lover of the Viva here. Will never go back to Bounty or anything that is less than the magical softness of Viva. Seriously – try them. You won’t be disappointed.
32. claire | June 17th, 2008 at 10:01 am
I do compromise, somewhat, on my TP – i’ll buy either Charmin or Cottonelle, whichever is cheaper. I’m suspicious of the aloe-infused toilet paper, too, so i’ve never tried it. I don’t know if i believe that aloe on your butt is really that necessary. As for tissues, i understand the aloe in theory, but in practice i think it just makes blowing your nose a more-than-necessary slimy experience. I’m just a plain Kleenex girl.
Paper towels are usually the Bounty-imitation generic brand. I appreciate the good stuff, but i just don’t have the budget for it.
Oh, and Tampax all the way.
Reading about peoples paper products was more interesting than it probably should be.
33. Keri | June 17th, 2008 at 11:21 am
Aloe toilet paper is great unless you’re allergic to aloe – uncomfortable rash!
34. She Likes Purple | June 17th, 2008 at 11:22 am
I just finished the Twilight series and have Water for Elephants all picked out to read next but should I read Eat Pray Love instead? Because I’m sure I’ll hate it too and wouldn’t it be great if we could hate it together?
Also, does the monitor need to be cleaned? This is gross, I know, but mine freaked out a little and I took a Q-tip to it and it seemed to get back on track the following day.
35. celebrate woo-woo | June 17th, 2008 at 11:45 am
I think I may need to give the Viva paper towels a try next time I shop after these rave reviews.
And Emily, I also have the Moon Cup, partially influenced by jonniker herself when I discovered her posts on the cups last year (and thus became a regular reader of the blog), and while I only used mine once before getting knocked up and haven’t yet returned to cycling, I whole-heartedly recommend it.
36. Swistle | June 17th, 2008 at 11:53 am
Now, have you TRIED the Target toilet paper? Because I normally use that, but then Quilted Northern was on a better price so I got that instead. And the Target is plusher and comfier. And now I am going to stop talking about toilet paper, because yerk.
Rainfall/Seagulls thing = awesome.
37. Swistle | June 17th, 2008 at 11:55 am
Oh, dude, I forgot you don’t have a Target. DUDE.
But when you were in the land of the living, THEN had you tried the Target toilet paper?
38. jonniker | June 17th, 2008 at 11:56 am
Emily — I LOVE the Moon Cup. Ringing endorsement here, man. Bigtime. I’ll try to dredge up my posts on the topic, but if you search for Moon Cup on my site in the meantime, you’ll find a wealth of info.
Swistle: HA HA, you said TARGET. How quickly we all forget.
39. mar | June 17th, 2008 at 3:31 pm
cottonelle! i love. grew up on charmin & now i can’t stand the lint! from the tp!
also, i was a devoted ob user until my diva cup, thank you very much. i don’t see much the difference.
sorry ’bout the seagull poo. and loss of beets. my favourite pickled thing ever. though i do want to try your carrots. mmm!
go celtics! (i’m a cubs fan, so i understand pain)
40. Lori | June 17th, 2008 at 5:43 pm
TP with aloe & E? Can’t imagine, seems like it would be a never-ending wipe! I use either Quilted Northern or Sam’s Club’s brand. (I tried Charmin, but it leaves a cottony dust all over the bathroom that I can’t stand!)
Again, store brand paper towels, because if I don’t need a whole sheet, I can rip it in half myself (I’m not paying extra for select-a-size.)
Howver, I will not use anything other than Playtex tampons! Tampax always leak, even with my tiny low-flow BC periods AND cardboard applicators? Ouch!
41. Danielle-Lee | June 19th, 2008 at 7:29 pm
OB is AWFUL! It never expands, it’s uncomfortable, and who the hell designed them? And who the hell wears them???
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