Human Behavior
June 17th, 2008
Dogs love undies. I’m pretty sure at this point it’s undisputed fact. And worse, dogs love DIRTY undies because, I’m guessing, the smell of you is that much stronger. I’ve grown accustomed to it — since Sunny and I have lived together, she’s come barreling into the bedroom with my bra on her head more times than I can really count. However, things reached a new low today when she ran into the downstairs laundry room and came running out with my neighbor’s thong wrapped around her legs, the crotch firmly set in her jaw. My neighbor’s dirty thong.
In Charmed news (I know! It should be its own CATEGORY and yes, I know you’re SICK OF IT), I realized things may have gone too far today when I settled in for my typical hour of admin-y work (invoicing, e-mail, mindless shit), which I usually like to accompany with a fresh episode only to discover that I screwed up the TiVo and there was no Charmed. I audibly gasped and found myself tut-tutting and actually yelling aloud, “Oh my God, how can something like this HAPPEN?” My reaction was so wildly inappropriate that I wonder if I should cut the cord, because I may … I may be addicted to Charmed. And I’m only wrapping up season TWO. There are SIX MORE SEASONS.
I was talking to a former colleague-turned-client today and in addition to screaming my fool head off because three wasps just APPEARED OUT OF NOWHERE while I was on the phone (“Jonna? Jonna? Are you okay?”), I learned that one of our old coworkers is getting a divorce because — wait for it — her husband walked in on her having sex with their tennis pro. Am I the only one who didn’t think this actually existed outside of movies and The Real Housewives of New York City? THE TENNIS PRO. So tacky. So Jackie Collins.
I know I’m painfully naive in the ways of the world, but this is like the TWELFTH former coworker from the same job to find him/herself in a similar situation. Perhaps my favorite experience was the fine summer afternoon when the vice president’s wife showed up ON THE JOB to confront her husband and the 22-year-old intern he was having an affair with. While I realize that this is normally the type of sordid excitement that has staffers craning their necks for more, I have to tell you, it was so sad that I hunkered down in my office with four junior employees in near-tears because really, while the guy was a dirtball, she had NO IDEA. And worse, what she didn’t realize was that the intern was the fourth woman from the same office that he’d shacked up with, sometimes in the conference room (surprise!), and we had witnessed countless jilted lovers confront, cry and leave. For us, it had gotten old, but for her, it was a completely new revelation.
I won’t even mention the fact that I’d worked with this guy before and he pulled the same shit there, too. And I wonder: do women KNOW they’re marrying that kind of guy? Do they think they can change him? And further, who the HELL has an affair with the tennis pro? And how much play (uh, ha ha?) do you think a tennis pro gets? (My guess: PLENTY)
And with that, I’m off to throw up, because the Celtics are on and this evening has the potential to be the most miserable or the most jubilant. It all depends. I’m sure I’ll edit this later, because I’m CLUTCHING MY BOWELS.
Edit: NO LONGER CLUTCHING BOWELS. THANK GOD. (Oh Kevin Garnett. I love you. And Paul Pierce? THANK GOD. And I haven’t even touched Ray Allen! Also, there was CRYING when I saw Bill Russell and KG. FULL ON CRYING. )
Happy (almost) Wednesday!
*Bjork
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
28 Comments Add your own
1. mar | June 17th, 2008 at 6:06 pm
i wish i could throw up. i just ate some green cheese. *gack* i added shredded cheese to my pizza & after it melted (& i’d eaten half of it) i saw it turned green. oh g-d.
and i am in disbelief at the tennis pro story. i thought living through the drama of my former boss, an aspiring rockstar whose wife & little daughter i adored, cheated with groupies, then i found out that she was seeing the drummer on the side. now they’re divorced & she & the drummer are expecting a baby & took the daughter far away. i used to hang out with them all the time. ahhh, drama. makes me cringe.
2. aly | June 17th, 2008 at 6:13 pm
what exactly did you do with the neighbor’s undies? obviously you took them from the dog (how?! with gloves? did you use treats and then a kitchen tongs?)(do you then throw out said tongs or is the dishwasher… strong enough? could it be strong enough??) but do you throw them out then? (in the bathroom garbage? kitchen? AM PERPLEXED with the options!) do you return them? (if so, if they’re not dog people– how does one explain “hi, my dog went on a panty raid?”) after washing them?? how do you wash them?!!?
considering the undies in the washer discussion from before, i’m completely befuddled as to proper etiquette here, and am dying to know what you did.
god, i took too much thought/time into this.
3. Camels & Chocolate | June 17th, 2008 at 6:28 pm
Um, I grew up in a house with six Malteses, and at least once a week, one of them somehow found his/her way into the hamper and chewed through a pair of my Victoria’s Secret finest. Why they don’t go for my mom’s ratty Hanes undies dating back to the 80′s is beyond me. I guess my dogs just have good taste.
Also, I was recently on a press trip to Italy, and there was a Robb Report reporter from Boston who regaled us all with the tale of how her ex-husband — both got PhDs from Harvard or something silly like that — got some amazing grant for professor work in Minnesota, dragged her out there with him, and then she later walked in on him having sex WITH AN EIGHTEEN-YEAR OLD STUDENT in their bed (he was 32 at the time). While he was supposed to be at her parents’ house with her for Thanksgiving, but pulled some shit last minute on being sick or whatnot. The little bitch had even replaced all of Patti’s bath products with her own in her absence. How’s that for Real Housewives of Minneapolis?
4. Danell | June 17th, 2008 at 6:53 pm
One of the veterinary insurance companies recently published a list of the most common items to be surgically removed from dog or cat tummies….undies are number 2! (Second only to socks).
We did a surgery last year and found what had to have been the entire contents of the owners lingerie drawer…plenty of underwear and several bras WITH UNDERWIRE. Why, dog, why? Why would you eat that??
5. jonniker | June 17th, 2008 at 7:03 pm
Aly: I chased her down and just … I just pulled it out of her mouth and gently left them on the bench outside their apartment. I mean, what else could I do? GAH.
6. H | June 17th, 2008 at 7:45 pm
When our beagle doesn’t get walked enough, he rebels by eating our clothes. Sadly, he often can’t poop them out (they get stuck mid-poop) so we end up pulling shreds of our clothing from his butt while protecting our hands with a plastic bag. It became even more ridiculous when my daughter would quiz me about the color of the fabric so she could identify which pair of her underwear he ate. Once, I ended up with crotchless exercise capris. Very sexy.
7. -R- | June 17th, 2008 at 8:05 pm
Charmed was on for EIGHT seasons? I had no idea!
I have dealt with inappropriate boss-employee affair (though I was not involved in the affair at all, I should point out), and it was so disturbing. I couldn’t ever tell whether the wife had no clue or whether they had an agreement or what.
Boston just won! Go, KG!
8. CrystalMK | June 17th, 2008 at 8:33 pm
Yay for Boston!! And for you! and Adam! YAY!
And H, the crotchless excercise capris? Final straw! All the dog/intimates talk was funny and made me giggle, but the mental picture of picking up your pants and finding them crotchless?? Did.Me.In !!!
Must Stop Thinking of it!
9. S.B. | June 17th, 2008 at 9:22 pm
This d-bag? http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/22844772/
Was at my company. He left with over $100 mil in stock options. Nice work if you can get it.
10. H | June 17th, 2008 at 9:39 pm
Congratulations to Adam (and you)!
(…and am secretly happy for KG – didn’t watch a single game but I’m happy for him nonetheless.)
11. vague | June 17th, 2008 at 11:12 pm
Oh god, dogs and underwear! The worst is when you some home to find the dog comfy on the couch, snuggling with a pair of your undies he has scrounged out of the laundry basket. Worse yet, you arrive home with company! My dog’s first “dietary indiscretion” (what the vet called it!!) as a puppy involved a pair of underwear he mostly ate and then regurgitated. Ugly.
Also, you are making me want to check out Charmed! I love the Buffy and Veronica Mars and such, so I’m sure I would get hooked on Charmed, too. Incidentally, I just wrote a (spoiler-free) thing about how much I love Buffy, you know, in case you need any encouragement.
12. carolyn | June 18th, 2008 at 3:48 am
Dude, my dog thinks anything that’s ever touched a crotch belongs to him.
13. Jamie | June 18th, 2008 at 4:58 am
The dachshund I grew up with hated me, I mean HATED me. All caps hatred. But she loooved my underwear, that little bitch.
14. beach | June 18th, 2008 at 5:17 am
Celtics rule, they just didn’t win….they spanked the Lakers…I love it….boohoo Kobe!!
15. Amity | June 18th, 2008 at 5:25 am
There was a married male attorney at my old office that was having an affair with a married legal secretary. They got busted having sex in the car in the parking garage. A couple days later, the legal secretary’s husband showed up at the office to “kick some ass.” Needless to say, security was called and he was escorted from the building. Shortly thereafter, the attorney was asked to leave the firm. (As apparently, it was well-known that this was not his first inter-office escapade.) However, the legal secretary was allowed to stay, as they feared a sexual harassment lawsuit if she were fired… How ’bout them apples?!
16. ali | June 18th, 2008 at 6:37 am
there’s way too much to say…your neighbor’s dirty thong? (um, ew!) the tennis-pro getting caught in the bedroom? (scandalous. also? where can i get me a tennis pro???). the celtics? (AWESOME!)
17. Jakki | June 18th, 2008 at 7:21 am
My dad is a Charmed lover…my mother, just retired never knew how much until she retired. They actually got into an arguement, while on the phone with me, and it was funny hearing my mom say ‘HONEY, 3 times in ONE day???? I think that’s a problem….’ LOL.
The underwear thing irks me…my puppy will actually pull them out of the holes in the clothes hamper so we have to remember to keep our bathroom doors closed.
You say ‘…I havent even touched Ray Allen’…dare I say I’d love to touch Ray Allen…
18. jonniker | June 18th, 2008 at 7:26 am
Jakki: First of all, your dad and charmed CRACKED ME UP. Second: if you’re going to FORCE me to touch a Celtic (oh poor me!), I choose Kevin Garnett, who I’ve always found SO attractive, probably because he’s such an incredible guy. But if I must, if you’re MAKING ME, that is, I could probably handle Ray Allen.
Also, oh my hell, his little toddler boy last night was, perhaps, one of the cutest things I’ve ever seen. I wanted to run off with him.
19. Jess | June 18th, 2008 at 8:13 am
That affair thing is horrifying. There were rumors at my old company of one married guy being found kissing a coworker in the conference room once, but that is the worst sordid gossip I’ve ever heard at work. Perhaps the non-profit world isn’t quite as bad as far as that stuff goes.
20. Amanda | June 18th, 2008 at 8:36 am
Yay for Celtics! While I’m not from your area, my loyalties lie with former Wolf KG. We love him here in good ol’ Minn. He’s one class act and he deserved this win after carrying our little team for 12 long years. So happy for him!
Thanks for the shout out on your last post – I appreciate it!
21. Lara | June 18th, 2008 at 11:33 am
Okay, dare I admit that I was kind of laughing at KG last night for being such a drama queen? I mean, seriously. SERIOUSLY. Hilarious.
22. jonniker | June 18th, 2008 at 12:04 pm
Lara, HA HA. Admittedly, at lunch today, Adam and I were talking about KG and chuckling that at a certain point, no one was sure whether he was just being emotional or whether he actually needed to be hospitalized. And that definitely included us. Dude LOST HIS MIND.
HOWEVER, he’s played in the NBA for a lot of years and not once — NOT ONCE — did he even have an ice storm’s chance in hell to make it to the finals, much less WIN THEM. So I don’t know, man.
23. Leah | June 18th, 2008 at 12:28 pm
Do you know what? I HATE basketball, but when Simon said the Celtics won, I actually felt a surge of pride and let out a cheer, solely on Adam’s behalf. Simon thought I was having a seizure or something because me and basketball, we don’t get along.
Our cats get totally disgusting with the dirty laundry. Sweaty shirts and grimy underpants are to them like a bag of catnip sprinkled with crack. They rub their faces around in ecstacy and then do this full-body grinding that grosses me right out. Ick, cats. ICK.
24. ms picket to you | June 18th, 2008 at 3:37 pm
i call it “cheater hair”. you can see it a mile away.
25. slynnro | June 19th, 2008 at 9:28 am
I had a boss that masturbated in his office (like their were rags used int he process under his desk). That’s just gross, as opposed to sad. But I always manage to find a total creepy freakshow like that everywhere I go. He also used to leave porn up on his computer when you went to talk to him. But that pales in comparison to this!
26. Jessica | June 19th, 2008 at 9:30 am
I used to love watching the Celtics when they weren’t so good- circa 1996-7-ish? Do you remember Marty Conlon? He was super gangly and so white he was almost glowing. He played with so much passion and gusto, i LOVED watching him. All arms and legs flailing around.
27. Shelly | June 19th, 2008 at 9:38 am
Hi!! I’ve been on jury duty, so am behind in my blogs.
My dogs chew used kleenex like they wereTRUFFLES or something. The snottier the better. Blech.
One of my dogs pulls my….um……used personal products out of the trash…….he doesn’t chew them unless they are……well………really icky………in other words, not just a panty liner day……..a HEAVY day…..so, I can’t throw those types of items in a bathroom trash can unless I want to pick up chewed bits of used product. It’s gross. They leave my underwear alone, though. None of our dogs have been undie lovers.
I’ve never experienced an office………..uh……’romance’?? I’m sure all sorts of sordid things happen, and I’m just happily, rose colored glasses unaware………..
28. Mauigirl52 | June 20th, 2008 at 8:44 pm
My previous dog ate half of one of my old bras once. She was playing with it, throwing it around, wearing it on her head, and I figured I’d let her because it was an old one anyway. Next thing you know I realized there was only half a bra left.
That sucker stayed in her stomach for 3 days and then all of a sudden it reappeared on the kitchen floor in less than pristine condition. We were much relieved that it didn’t get stuck somewhere!
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