Eye of the Tiger
June 19th, 2008
I was feeling particularly masochistic this morning and was Googling “early pregnancy symptoms” and would you believe that a relatively professional-looking site actually lists “positive pregnancy test” as an early PREGNANCY SYMPTOM? In related news, another pregnancy symptom is a baby falling out of your vagina, and my friend Erica pointed out that they should have listed “growing belly, possibly with kicking sensation.” The Internet is brilliant.
Today was a bit of an off day which was entirely hormonally induced — the place where you KNOW you’re being ridiculous, yet some small part of you is going, “But it’s all true! You WILL die alone!” That sounds absurd, but somehow a series of small events always culminates with someone dying, probably in a cardboard box. It starts with a random event that is totally manageable on a normal day, but mysteriously, a few moments later, we’re ALL DEAD, ALONE AND FRIENDLESS. For me that moment was a call with an old friend of mine who is fabulously wealthy and stupidly successful and I won’t even mention that he offered me to JOIN HIM AS A PARTNER in his quest for fabulous wealth and stupid success, before he achieved it, and I SAID NO for a variety of personal reasons that were actually quite valid at the time.
I mean, do I look fabulously wealthy and stupidly successful to you? Of course not, as I am still unshowered and wearing Threadless Ts. But really, my reasons were pretty good and involved wanting a whole life, rather than just a professional one (he’s divorced, doesn’t want kids, and lives for his job. Me? BTDT, no thank you.) Oh, and I didn’t really like the profession I was in, either. As in, that particular job situation made me cry. Every day. I told you, they were pretty valid.
But man, when he went off about last week’s trip to a luxurious location mingling with VCs while I stood in the kitchen making coffee, my unshowered ass in saggy pajama pants, talking about the glamorous world of work-at home freelancing in high-powered Vermont (we’re FULL of movers and shakers here! HA) it was hard to remind myself that really, I made the right decision, because I hate business travel and besides, every time I schmooze with VCs, some creepy guy’s hand ends up on my thigh and I wish I were home drinking cheap wine and making funny faces at the dog. But MAN, did I feel like a Failure.
This is all sounding very morose, but really, it’s not, as the point is this: my friend Erica saved me, because as I was talking to her — before I really went into any of it, she simply announced, “Oh my God, you’re in that place, I can tell. I know where you are. I’m surprised you didn’t see me there.”
And I just LAUGHED, because oh, it’s such a familiar place. Lawyerish and I talked about it, too. And it’s amazing how you can be dug out of that place by knowing only that someone else has been there too, even if not by the precise turn of events that got YOU there. Having friends helps a lot, and I can say that if I were fabulously wealthy and stupidly successful in that particular capacity, I wouldn’t have many quality ones, but I would have a lot of hands on my thighs. Oh, and did I mention that I wouldn’t have even MET Erica? She’s worth giving up the FWSS train, I tell you.
This is all very ironic, because just yesterday I told Jennie about one of my favorite quotes from (oh my God) Rocky Balboa (SHUT UP. IT IS FULL OF WISDOM), which is “It doesn’t matter how this looks to other people, it matters how it looks to you.” Now, I’m not about to launch into an exhibition fight with a man named Mason Dixon, but I’ll tell you, I did notice that the only time I feel like I’m failing in ANY capacity is when I consider not how my life looks to ME, but how my life looks to others. And I don’t think a life of schmoozing in an industry that I hate would have been particularly appealing to me, but pulling wrinkly radishes from the garden IS, you know?
There’s a really wise metaphor in here somewhere or life lesson or something, but I don’t know if I’m going to remember it. But mostly, I think the lesson is this: You should watch Rocky Balboa, if only because Milo Ventimiglia is in it, before he started robbing the cradle.
Moving on. Speaking (a little) of the garden, do you know that not ONLY did I overplant lettuce like you read about, but I realized yesterday that I have THIRTEEN tomato plants, all of which are flowering like gangbusters? Yes, ha ha, SHIT. I am in for a lot of tomatoes. Which is fine, because my bell, jalapeno and ancho peppers are looking positively ANEMIC, and my cucumbers aren’t looking particularly uh, PERKY, either. Gardening assvice welcome, although I’ll tell you that my basil, cilantro and radishes are quite happy indeed.
Well. Have a, um, happy Friday? What joyous introspection I’ve left you with this weekend! For us, by the way, ALLLLL Adam wants to do is go to the lake. And I’m not really going to complain, provided I don’t get pooped on.
Happy weekend!
*Survivor. We’re sticking with the Rocky theme for today. Next up: working out in the woods, pulling giant PLOWS behind me or something.
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
27 Comments Add your own
1. Danielle-Lee | June 19th, 2008 at 7:24 pm
Okay, so I was going to say-’Oh me too! I am only disappointed with where I am in life when I think of what others think of my life!’ but then I realized-no, that’s not true! I am blessed and lucky, and happy, but sometimes, just SOMETIMES, i wonder ‘what if..?’ and ‘how the f- did i get here?’ It’s mindboggling sometimes.
2. Danielle-Lee | June 19th, 2008 at 7:26 pm
Ah jeez. How did I make that about me? Holy hell, I was supposed to be commenting on your post, not my issues!!!
3. Heather B. | June 19th, 2008 at 7:35 pm
I’m having an “I’m going to die alone and friendless and everyone hates me and will throw a party when I die alone” type day. And while so many people have been there and are there all the time, it just always feels worse when you’re in the thick of it. On that note, I am going on a super special trip tomorrow and another super special five day vacation next week. Which means that I should shut the hell up and stop complaining but I would not be me if I didn’t have something to complain about. Even if it is the dumbest thing ever.
4. Camels & Chocolate | June 19th, 2008 at 7:48 pm
Is it just me or has the whole Internet erupted into baby talk of late? Am I the only one who breathes a giant sigh of relief each time my monthly visitor makes a housecall?
And Milo, oh Milo. You had such potential. Why Hayden, why her? (I interviewed HP three times last year and what a spoiled brat! She even stole $30,000 worth of diamonds from the set of our cover shoot! And the irony? The coverline read “Diamond Giveaway!”) Now go be a good boy and win Alexis Bledel back. After all, that’s what Peter Petrelli would do.
Mercury in Retrograde has been fucking everyone, it seems, and leaving them in these moods (myself included). But good news! It ends tonight, and the summer solstice(=good luck) is this weekend! Hooray to new beginnings!
5. jonniker | June 19th, 2008 at 7:55 pm
Danielle-Lee: Dude. If all you commented about was ME, I’d be pretty upset. The only reason — swear to God — that I keep doing this, is that I love when people comment and tell me about THEM. I WANT TO KNOW. As I said to someone earlier, the day my comments section becomes nothing more than a bunch of kissyfaces talking about ME ME ME is the day I shoot myself in the face.
Also, funnily, I have what-ifs, too, but they’re more about my own expectations of myself, rather than what I think OTHERS would like, if that makes sense. In this case — and in many — it’s more about what my small little life looks like to other people, even though it’s one I sort of consciously chose that fits me.
6. Jenk | June 19th, 2008 at 8:37 pm
I’ve been to that place. In fact, I stumble back there every once in a while. It’s odd how you don’t see it coming.
There must be something theraputic about the radishes though.
7. H | June 19th, 2008 at 9:04 pm
Gardening assvice here:: Too many tomatoes = lots and lots of canned salsa. There’s nothing like homemade salsa in the winter – and it makes a great hostess gift. My neighbor said she has radish sandwiches – ever tried them? I found one on the internet that included sour cream, dill, salt, lettuce and radishes on buttermilk bread. I may have to try it. I thinned my radishes tonight – there’ll be lots of them in a few weeks!
8. Blythe | June 19th, 2008 at 11:44 pm
Are you reading Animal, Vegetable, Miracle? If you own it, skip ahead to the tomato part. You will be inspired! And you will laugh. And you will find some great instructions and recipes for sun-dried tomatoes.
Here endeth the gardening advice. Notice that it’s actually reading advice, because I do not garden. See also: do not camp.
9. Raven | June 20th, 2008 at 3:48 am
Since we are on tomato lock-down, in the state of Texas, I am jealous of your many plants. I have ONE and it’s on the fence as to whether or not it’s going to provide me any fruit this year.
I did have successful basil plants but they have gone to flower now so I need to dig them up and start again. My sage is pretty much DOA, thanks to the 95 degree temps we have had in the last 2 weeks which is just as well, as we are going on a weeks vaca and my sister can’t be trusted to water everything.
10. Emily | June 20th, 2008 at 4:30 am
For the second time this week, I’ll be the second person to recommend “Animal, Vegetable, Miracle” on someone else’s blog. Which, clearly, means that the stars are aligned and you should read it. GO!
And yes, that place…. that place is so heavily populated of late, isn’t it? I’m constantly beating myself up about my dissertation and wondering if even Burger King would hire me if I don’t succeed. Which makes me wonder: is this a woman thing only? Do men sit around and fret about this stuff, beating themselves up every now and again? Hmm….
11. Katie | June 20th, 2008 at 4:53 am
I think that everyone who has dared to abandon the conventions of a lucrative career in favor of a happy fulfilling life, is prone to moments of indecision and envy. We live in a material obsessed society, and even though our conscious decision favors the idealism of a rounded life, we have been raised in a culture in which more is better. It is hard to fight all of those successful years of brainwashing.
I walked away from corporate success six years ago. I was deeply unhappy, and simply couldn’t understand why I was doing what I was doing. When I looked at my bank account, I didn’t care – it didn’t matter. So, I left.
I’ve spent the years since trying to figure out what I really want, and I’ve decided on something that my family ridicules – what I want is not respectable to my family. They would rather me be sans career than be a social worker.
My closest friend has ascended to corporate stardom, and sometimes, I feel like an idiot for leaving. But the fact is, I really hated that life. There is not enough money in the world to coax me back to corporate America.
12. Jess | June 20th, 2008 at 4:58 am
It’s GOOD that you have so many tomatoes, because the rest of us are still deprived of them pending FDA investigations into the whole salmonella thing. In fact, you could totally become fabulously wealthy and stupidly successful just by selling those babies off at a ridiculous markup. How’s that for a plan?
13. TwoBusy | June 20th, 2008 at 5:38 am
Hand on your thigh? Seriously?
What the fuck is wrong with people?
14. Jakki | June 20th, 2008 at 6:03 am
I must be waaaaaaaaaaay behind. I just started my tomato plants and they look…sad. Nothing. Not even a bloom.
I can see you selling yours on ebay or something…horde them like nobodies business.
I like the quote…dont care who said it, its good. Guess that’s the point, huh? LOL
15. Shelly | June 20th, 2008 at 6:07 am
Oh, thank you! I needed that piece of wisdom today. Made a stupid mistake yesterday, am wondering if I made the right move not applying for a promotion, etc, etc. And it’s completely true, they’re only failures when I look at how other people view my life. The promotion would be to a job I would hate, the mistake – oh, well, that’s still a stupid mistake, but everyone makes them and I’ve fixed it, so there’s no sense beating myself up over it. Right?! Anyway, thank you for sharing that – I needed it. And Eye of the Tiger is the best fight song EVAH. I now have it stuck in my head, and that is not a bad thing!
16. anne | June 20th, 2008 at 6:24 am
Can I say your life looks good from the outside – Vermont in the summer seems pretty fab to me (remember when you used to liv in Florida? Yeah about those 103 degree days). Lookin’ good hon.
17. She Likes Purple | June 20th, 2008 at 6:40 am
Your posts always ignite such great conversations, you know. I had such great thoughts to share after reading and then I read your comments and all I can think is, YES KRISTIN, WHY HAYDEN? Go back to Alexis, even though it’s possible you may have hit her, but she’s so pretty and age appropriate.
Also, I laughed so hard at the first paragraph. Early sign of pregnancy: you see the baby crowning!
18. Sadie | June 20th, 2008 at 6:44 am
Ha! What timing you have, considering I just sent you an email that ended with the line “I kind of hate my job.” And when people tell me my job sounds ‘glamorous’ I snort, because again: it doesn’t matter how it looks to other people if it makes you want to stab yourself in the neck. Also, whenever I get to that place, The Place, I stop myself by asking “WHO are THESE OTHERS whose opinions ‘matter’ to me, really?! And why should they?” See, I find a way to make myself feel better by dismissing the judgments of others on the grounds that everyone else is an idiot. AM A SWEETHEART.
Also, some of my favorite lines ever are from Rocky movies., and have to be repeated with the appropriate accents.
19. Jeanne | June 20th, 2008 at 7:13 am
I have you beat with the tomatoes. I put in 20 plants this year, and I don’t actually like tomotoes! Fortunately my daughter will it the grape and cherries like they’re candy, so I’m not just wasting my time. My lone cucumber and cantalope plants have already died, but the peppers and the butternut squash are lookin good. The watermelon is still kind of iffy. I wish I had gardening tips for you but I’m clueless.
Can I third the recommendation for Animal, Vegetable, Miracle? We eat out of season fruits and vegetables from the grocery store all year long, but I loved that book. The experiment was fantastic, but it’s hard to get anything locally in season for about 9 months of the year here in Northern Minnesota and I don’t want my family to get scurvy.
20. Tessie | June 20th, 2008 at 7:57 am
Dude, I sort of love this post, like, A LOT.
The Bad Place. Pretty sure the bar is so crowded there right now that none of us can even get a drink.
But then again, I have a sister who sends me mugs that say, “I hate you”, and friends who read my blog and text me, “Jesus H CHRIST, Eeyore, white or RED tonight?”, and people I don’t even KNOW emailing me asking if I’m hanging from my shower rod.
So there’s that.
I like that quote too, becuase it always reminds me to ask myself how it DOES look to me.
21. ali | June 20th, 2008 at 8:19 am
mmmm…Peter Petrelli…
22. Jennifer | June 20th, 2008 at 8:44 am
Yeah, you and I emailed about this a couple years ago. The stressful job where we hate our life, sacrifice our health, and cry every night. Yep. I finally quit said stressful job 3 months ago, and rather than doing all-nighters while being told I need to work even more, now I have 100% free time. But – I’m not even sure what to do with the time. At the end of the day (after staying in my PJs until the afternoon) I look back at my day and feel like a total loser because I didn’t get a bunch of stuff (or anything for that matter) accomplished.
And I also think back to another post of yours where you lamented about the difficulty that we adults have of meeting/making friends. Woe is me, I don’t have any close friends in this town yet. So I feel sorry for myself, lonely, home in my PJs getting nothing accomplished. (Clearly I need to pull my head out, stick to my to-do list, get dressed, get out of the house!!)
So, yeah. As Tessie says, there’s a lot of us pushing to get to The Bad Place bar right now. (If the damn sun would ever come out up here, things might look brighter for me too.)
Oh BTW I can help you out a LOT with your tomatoes and garden. When I lived in CO I had a full 1/8 acre-sized garden that included 50 tomato plants one year. Canned salsa, canned or frozen tomato sauce, tomato juice, pickled green tomatoes, the food-keeping goes on and on. If you don’t want to deal with canning, make sauce and freeze it into ice cube trays. Then pop them out and into a freezer bag and you’ll have little individual sauce-servings to toss onto spaghetti or pizza or English muffins all winter. Once you’re faced with lots of fruit, post a request for recipes and I’ll email you a million or three.
23. Swistle | June 20th, 2008 at 10:49 am
I agree: my life looks great to me until I see it through someone else’s eyes: the toys, the mess, the snotty noses, the diapers, the laundry heaps, the small house bursting with people, the towels hanging on the back of the door because we don’t have wall space in our single bathroom for a towel rack—-I mean, suddenly I despair, even though actually ALL those things are fine with me. This is why I don’t have people over much.
24. winterwheat | June 20th, 2008 at 3:19 pm
OMG, I had the same frustration over the Internet’s idiotic lack of information about early pregnancy symptoms. What we want to know is if we’re pregnant in the 2 weeks between conception and the positive pregnancy test, dorks. Based on my own one-time experience, I had symptoms only starting on the morning of the 10th day after ovulation. I was dog-tired and my uterus area felt “full” and crampy. And my baseline body temp had gone up .4 degrees. I was so tired that I had to go back to sleep an hour or two after I woke up. Since my period wasn’t due for another 3 days, I assumed I was pregnant, and I was right. Of course, since TTC again, I’ve “imagined” all of these symptoms during every cycle and ended up being wrong. So there you have it.
I’m waiting for your first book to come out. Writing clearly energizes you, and the only job that’s worth devoting your life to is the one that gives back — don’t you think?
xoxo,k
25. Mauigirl52 | June 20th, 2008 at 8:39 pm
Let me tell you, your situation sounds darn good to me! I think the Rocky Balboa quote is brilliant and I’m going to add it to my list of favorite quotes!
I love the way you are able to look at yourself with such understanding and perspective even when you’re in the midst of a meltdown.
I hear you on the tomatoes – I always overplant them! We have about 10 plants ourselves plus some peppers, cucumbers and beans….fingers crossed they all do well.
26. stepping over the junk | June 21st, 2008 at 4:20 pm
I think “Rocky Balboa” might be a better source than my “Princess Bride” quotes . I’d better switch up. (come on, everyone used Princess Bride)
27. Chastity B. | June 21st, 2008 at 4:52 pm
Delurking to add that I have a quote from Rocky Balboa as my screensaver (which I may or may not have gotten exactly right, but whatevs. WISDOM) : “It ain’t about how hard you can hit. It’s about how hard you can GET HIT, and keep moving forward.”
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