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Right, so I just spent the last twenty minutes watching Wipeout, and — this might be the worst thing I’ve ever admitted — I … I laughed. It’s utterly ridiculous and base and my God, it’s people in foamy vests jumping around on giant balls and going on things called the Dizzy Dummy and there I was, laughing like a neanderthal. I am also known to laugh a little too loudly at America’s Funniest Home Videos.

Next up: I Survived a Japanese Game Show, where one of the women actually shouts “OMIGOD SUSHI!” the moment she finds out Japan is her destination and yet another is disappointed when sake does not resemble the wine cooler she was anticipating.

I am what’s wrong with America.

In other, equally scintillating news, the weather here is batfuck crazy. Ours is not a gentle New England rain, the kind worth watching from a rocker on the front porch with a nice glass of lemonade. No no, this is a DRIVING RAIN, the kind that offers up hail the size of light bulbs and demolishes lettuce plants (RIP lettuce plants! There were too many of you anyway!) And did I mention I SAW LIGHTNING STRIKE A TREE BEHIND US? Yes. It was like it is in the MOVIES, all flash and crack and sparks and breakage and shit, and I’m never going outside again, The End. I might add that I lived in Florida for three years without seeing a lightning strike, and yet, after FOUR MONTHS of living in Vermont, I’ve seen two.

Also, I’m starting to lose my mind working from home. Yes, I am LOSING MY MIND and creating drama where there isn’t any, and this definitely includes whether the radishes are conspiring against me (growing or dying, GROWING OR DYING?). So much so that I’ve actually applied to answer phones a few hours a week at multiple places, even if it means doing my regular work at night, because this, this is starting to feel like solitary confinement and there are only so many times a day a person can check the status of the cucumber plant (update: NEW LEAVES. THREE OF THEM. I SQUEALED WHEN I FOUND THE THIRD.)

Ahem. Yes, it’s time for a wee bit more structure, because while working from home may be the most lucrative option, as there is no gainful employment in Vermont for the likes of me (the local paper has plenty of ads actively seeking farm hands, however), the lack of daily social interaction on a professional — or hell, even INTERPERSONAL — level outside of phone calls and the occasional in-person meeting is killing me. And for the record, I’m an extraordinarily anti-social prick sometimes, so this is really saying something. Who knew that friends could only take you SO FAR?

(Also, have sort of rethought answering phones bit, as every time, and I do mean every time, I’ve applied for entry-level work, the ambitious side of me takes over and before you know it, I’m the leader of the phone answerers and organizing union demonstrations and working 80-hour weeks to figure out how we can all answer phones BETTER. I don’t even think I could slice meat at Shaw’s without trying to figure out how I could RUN THE DELI and IMPROVE DELI PERFORMANCE. Am a little ambitious and Type A, why do you ask?)

At any rate, all of this working from home bit has given me some extra time to consider why People magazine actually chose Mario Lopez — quite possibly the dirtiest bird in the history of dirty birds — as king of the sexy bachelors or whatever, and further, why they put him in those OUTFITS and POSES, particularly the one where his penis is very clearly airbrushed out, giving the impression of the World’s Grossest Ken Doll. Seriously, who would date this man? Does no one but me remember his annulment with the Dorito girl because he couldn’t keep his Ken Doll parts to himself?

Well. That was a barrel of excitement, yes? But also! A request: While Goodreads is great for reviews, I find it lacks in the recommendation department and I’m seeking two things for a potential upcoming vacation, location and timing TBD, but it could be perilously soon due to Adam’s schedule and I WANT TO BE PREPARED:

1) Chick-lit. Hit me with your best, most mindless drivel. Yes, I’ve read all of Marian Keyes’ books.
2) Youth fantasy. I have Twilight, have Philip Pullman at the ready and then … then what?

I know these are painfully immature selections, but remember, there will be a lot of mindless lying about and perhaps a few spa treatments. Morose, deep or otherwise thoughtful are really not what I’m aiming for here.

I also welcome any tips for making working from home more bearable, because at this rate, you’ll find me in the corner rocking back and forth, occasionally demanding that neighbors come over for thought-provoking meetings and conferences. HELP ME.

Happy Wednesday!

*Zero 7

64 comments June 24th, 2008