Salute Your Solution
June 25th, 2008
I know this is old news, but I’m a little bit peeved with HBO over their decision to move Big Love to the fall. I realize it was the writer’s strike and everything, but COME ON. Big Love is not a fall show. It is a steamy summer show with multiple wives and creepy old men and lots of sex that is anything but sexy, and yet somehow it remains completely appealing, but again, not in a sexy way. It’s horribly unsexy in the way that ’70s-style pubic hair is unsexy. Which is to say, vaguely familiar and yet slightly parental and no one knows why. Does that make sense? It doesn’t. But it does remind me of a the classic 1970s female sexuality self-help book by Lonnie Barbach, “For Yourself: The Fulfillment of Female Sexuality” in which she recommends GETTING HIGH AND/OR DRUNK as a means to sexual fulfillment. And she’s so EARNEST about it, too.
“Some couples find a joint puts them in the mood!” Yes, Lonnie, I’ll bet they do. She goes on to say that booze (and she calls it booze) is also useful. No word on whether these two recommendations are in the most current edition.
By way of explanation, not that anyone asked: I collect social hygiene, self-help and cook books from the ’50s, ’60s and ’70s, hence the Lonnie Barbach. Am desperately seeking a first edition of Hints from Heloise — not the Heloise you all know, but her MOTHER. The one who explains the best way to clean a crinoline skirt and mentions that you should clean the ashtrays before your husband comes home. And for the love of God, don’t forget to put on lipstick.
Now I have to wait until AT LEAST September, which means I won’t even bother with Entourage, because, my friends, I AM OVER IT. Over Vince Chase, over Turtle, over E. Over Drama, even. I never thought this would happen, but last season sort of did it for me. Medellin indeed.
Speaking vaguely of cookbooks, I remain confused by the never-ending “summer recipe” lists that say that they don’t use the oven and keep you COOL, and yet advocate standing over a white-hot skillet sweating into your potatoes for 25 minutes. Yes, yes, an oven heats a house, but a skillet heats your FOREHEAD. That being said, might I recommend roasting carrots in the oven at 425 for 25 minutes with salt, pepper and olive oil? Doing tomato slices in similar fashion at 350 for 15 minutes is also delightful, and if you do them both in the cool of the nighttime, you can have a lovely, filling salad the next day for dinner without breaking a sweat.
Not that I’m usually one to dispense advice about sensitive matters, but if you’re infertile or a suspected infertile, not only do I recommend avoiding TTC message boards (Babydust! ~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*) (GDIAF, Babyduster!), but holy lord, the dark underbelly of infertile blogs — not most of them, mind you, but SOME — is also a minefield that you should run, not walk, away from. In some of them, you’ll find people’s lives who have been utterly destroyed by their infertility, which is sort of understandable, but not something I’m aiming to aspire to, and worse, there are too many spouses whose lack of support will do nothing but break your heart. And while I generally stray from judging others, I will say that there is a special place in hell for husbands who leave their wives for no other reason other than that they can’t produce a biological heir. Dude, I’m sorry, get over yourself. If you’re that massive of a douchebag, it’s unlikely that your legacy was worth preserving in the first place.
Mercy me, this day is over! Almost over! I had a cup of coffee last evening at 6:30 p.m. and as a result stayed AWAKE! and also ALERT! until 4 a.m., which was the last time I checked the clock, no shit. Aaand, I rose at 7:30. This, when combined with a spot of hormones, had me actually warning Adam at 3:30 this afternoon that coming home was entirely optional, and that staying at work late may be recommended. Or hey, had he considered staying at a hotel for fun? The Marriott has rooms! Yes, yes, GO TO THE MARRIOTT! Instead, I opted for creme brulee, which is available in delightful single servings at our local health food store (ha ha HAAA) and waited until 8 for the wine. And while it was too late for the obligatory whimper of “I TOLD YOU I WAS NOT RIGHT TODAY,” both salvaged the evening quite nicely. No matter the order, I’m feeling nothing short of awesome, but I’m having a hard time imagining who wouldn’t after a hefty serving of wine and heavy cream.
And suddenly, I’m craving fish sticks. Crispy ones, from the freezer section, possibly made by Mrs. Paul. With TARTAR SAUCE.
I told you I was not right today.
Hey, happy Thursday! And thank you — THANK YOU — for all of the book recommendations. Am overwhelmed, but also madly in love with you. Our vacation, PS, is now the first week of August, rather than July, which is both disappointing and thrilling, as I love looking forward to things and PLANNING things. And I now have a wonderful reading list of fluff.
*The Raconteurs
Entry Filed under: Food follies!,Infertile Myrtle,Nuttin'
20 Comments Add your own
1. Angella | June 25th, 2008 at 6:03 pm
I cannot believe that you did not have a nap.
I also cannot believe that you waited until 8 to drink the wine.
I salute you.
2. Sadie | June 25th, 2008 at 6:19 pm
I am sure, then, that you have a copy of “Our Bodies, Our Selves?” I remember heaving that tome from my mother’s bookshelf and clandestinely reading it. I was maybe 9? And the next day at school I taught some of my classmates the word “cunnilingus.” Really.
Oh, and that special place in hell for men who leave their useless barren wives (what are you, Henry the fucking VIII)? A good friend of mine’s ex-husband has reserved seating right next to the fire…she had 3 miscarriages and upon learning that she would need time to heal before attempting to conceive again, he sensitively complained, “God, are you going to mope around and make me beg for sex every time this happens?”
I don’t have HBO. *whimper*
3. Swistle | June 25th, 2008 at 8:00 pm
MMMMmmmm, now I want fish sticks, too!
Not something you’re aspiring to—ha ha ha! Unlikely that his legacy was worth preserving—ha ha ha!
I can just SEE getting arrested for a first-ever drugs purchase, and trying to explain why a middle-aged homemaker with a clean record might be questing for such a thing. *pulls out manual, leafs in a flustered way for the right page” “You see right here, officer! It says it in the manual!”
4. Shamelessly Sassy | June 25th, 2008 at 8:06 pm
I love Big Love. I’m pissed too. I was looking forward to it.
5. Suebob | June 25th, 2008 at 8:49 pm
Oh, crap, I am SURE I had a copy of the Heloise and I am equally sure it went in The Great Book Purge of 2005, when I moved into my 500 sq ft house.
I do have a cookbook to offer you, though – Helen Gurley Brown’s “Single Girl’s Cookbook,” if you don’t already own a copy. I really isn’t a bad cookbook, though it is insanely heavy on the italics. If you want it, email me your address and I will ship it off…
6. Jamie | June 26th, 2008 at 6:12 am
I think I will make roasted carrots this evening. YUM!
Hope you get to feeling right soon.
7. ali | June 26th, 2008 at 6:36 am
wait…what? OVER ENTOURAGE??? seriously? i don’t know if we can be friends…;)
8. Heather B. | June 26th, 2008 at 7:18 am
Wait! Why are you over Entourage? I feel like things might pick up now that the Medellin drama is over. Also it’s entertaining and who doesn’t love Drama and Turtle??
9. She Likes Purple | June 26th, 2008 at 7:31 am
Ari will bring you back. And is it weird I have a slight crush on E? Not really the actor—he hasn’t done it for me in the handful of other things I’ve seen him in—but the character. I DON’T KNOW WHY.
Also, yes, those TTC boards are awful and also PAINFUL for a slew of reasons but mostly because NO-ONE CAN SPELL A DAMN THING.
Are you a Weeds fan? It’s back, and in so many, many ways Nancy Botwin is my favorite TV character that has EVER been written. Although I hear some spoilers from the season and I’m not happy about them.
10. Christine | June 26th, 2008 at 9:48 am
I date an avid Entourage fan, so there will certainly be Entourage at our house although I was certainly over Medellin before it started. It should be noted that I feel like I date the love child of Eric and Turtle, so take that as you will.
I’m watching Weeds, but I feel like it’s been going downhill too. I miss Big Love. It’s just so good and I totallly get the unsexy 70s vibe which you describe. I love it regardless. Although I could do without ever seeing Bill’s ass again.
And boo and hiss to those who leave their wives who can’t produce an heir. for him. How very Henry VIII of them, without the beheading, of course.
11. -R- | June 26th, 2008 at 9:48 am
When I first found out I was pregnant, I stumbled upon a website for pregnant and trying-to-get-pregnant people. SO SCARY! I don’t think I even stayed on the site for 2 minutes because yikes. The worst was a reference to sex as “baby-dancing.” Disturbing.
12. Kristin H | June 26th, 2008 at 10:03 am
When I was first pregnant I visited babycenter a lot, and it was good at first but after a while…uhg. I began to feel bad after reading the messages. So much to dislike, between the venom and misspellings and general weirdness. Yuck.
13. Anna Banana | June 26th, 2008 at 10:49 am
Vintage Cook Books? How did I not already know this about you? I have a collection too! I love the ones with full color pics. I have mostly from 60′s-70′s. Betty Crocker & Better Homes & Gardens volumes that my mom collected. She got a new color hard covered book every month. And now they are mine, all mine.
You must go right now to check out this blog
http://cookedbooks.blogspot.com/
I think you’ll love it.
14. ...loveMaegan | June 26th, 2008 at 1:01 pm
1st. a joint TOTALLY enhances the sexual experience, Lonnie was right!
2nd. My mom gave me a “How to be a Good Housewife” book from the 50′s and it is PRICELESS …make sure you look good while serving dinner to your husband as soon as he gets home from a hard day kinda stuff…ahahaha hilarious!
15. beth | June 26th, 2008 at 1:29 pm
I DO have the Heloise book that I believe you seek. It was my grandmother’s. I hate to part with it….I have used at least one of its helpful hints, in fact: for a party, storing ice and beer (though in Heloise’s book it was “pop” for a “teen party” in the washing machine. Then when the party is over you can just run the spin cycle to clean up the melts….don’t even DOUBT that kind of genius. Email me if you want to negotiate this book….or learn a few more “hints”.
16. Lara | June 26th, 2008 at 2:03 pm
I am fascinated that you collect these books! I will keep my eye out for the Heloise for you.
Also, regarding the fertility stuff…although I have no clue how fertile (or not) I am, I do have a sister who went through it if you ever get the urge to talk/email chat with a complete stranger about a highly personal issue.
17. Leaf, probably... | June 26th, 2008 at 2:07 pm
Yesterday I went shopping and craved EVERYTHING from the freezer section. So I brought $80 worth of food, instead of bread and milk. I am a domestic goddess. Clearly.
18. winterwheat | June 26th, 2008 at 6:36 pm
OMG, you need to find a 70s book called The Act of Marriage. My mother gave it to me when I got married. It’s about sex within a Christian marriage. It contains priceless gems like, “Every woman is most fulfilled as a wife and mother.”
One of my colleagues, Lisa Nakamura, is an Internet expert and has published a book that devotes one chapter to fertility websites.
link:
http://www.upress.umn.edu/Books/N/nakamura_digitizing.html
Anyway, she covers what those of us who have ever been sucked in to these sites knows: they are dangerous. Twenty percent of what you get reassures and educates you, and the rest scares you or makes you feel really guilty. And the signatures read like lists of battle wounds.
I agree with R too: “baby dance” made me want to barf. Sex, people, it’s called sex. Intercourse if you’re clinical. Fornication if you’ve got issues. Someday I’d love to see someone violate all the rules of cutesy euphemism and write something like, “When my crotch mucus started running like snot we porked 5 days in a row but two weeks later I still wasn’t knocked up.” It would be so much more interesting (and comprehensible) than, “When my EWCM arrived we BD’d 5 days in a row but alas, after the 2ww, BFN.”
My dear, I haven’t seen all of the details of your fertility situation so I don’t know where you are in this and don’t want to overstep a boundary or assume anything, but in case you ARE actively TTC, I’m sending you buttloads of babydust.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
xoxo, k
19. cara | June 29th, 2008 at 6:37 am
have you tried abebooks.com? You can search by publication date, if you know it. I didn’t know when the original hints was published, but there are 2 booksellers who have a boxed set from 1965.
http://www.abebooks.com/servlet/SearchResults?bi=0&bx=off&ds=30&sortby=2&sts=t&tn=hints+from+heloise&x=11&y=18&yrh=1970&yrl=1920
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