Stop Smoking
June 26th, 2008
My neighbor’s visiting dog is pooping in my yard with his apparent blessing, the logic I’m sure being that *I* have a dog and don’t clean up after her in my own yard, but what he fails to grasp is that there is a significant difference between a) your own dog’s poop, I don’t know why, but there is; and b) Sunny is TINY and her poops are wee little things that get washed away with the first rainstorm, whereas Isaac’s poops are meatloaves of epic proportions that leave me gagging and heaving and Sunny gobbling them up like Scooby Snacks. I’d also like to point out that on the rare occasion Sunny has pooped in their yard — or say, right in the middle of their flower bed — I waltz over there and make a giant, bear-scaring show of the fact that I HAVE A BAG and I am PICKING UP THE POOP RIGHT NOW, OH WHO’S A BAD GIRL WHO POOPED IN THE PEONIES? WHO?
Anyway. Speaking of neighbors, I terrified my other neighbor today when she told me she was on day two of quitting smoking by attempting to sympathize with the story of MY second day off the cigarettes. Which, now that I’ve written that down sounds like the most self-centered thing ever, like I was all, OH BACK TO ME LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT ME. When really, she asked for my experience specifically, it’s not like I just launched off, but … oh never mind. What I did was almost worse anyway.
Longtime readers may remember this (I believe I wrote about this two years ago-ish, but am too lazy and besides, am getting old and repeat myself), but long story short, I informed the clerk at Stop n Shop in Brookline that her failure to give me the sale price on a six-pack of Diet Coke was the equivalent of being raped. Yes, raped. I believe my exact words were that this was being “fucked up the ass by the man”, complete with hand gestures in the general vicinity of my violated, raped ass. It was the one and only time that Adam left me anywhere, but oh, he did, and I don’t blame him. He tried to stop me, I continued to use the words “ass raped” until he calmly walked out the door and walked home. Did that stop me? No no. I continued to demand that the manager give me my fifty cents off and oh yes, I continued to say that this shit was worse than a PRISON ASS RAPING and yes, again, I continued to point to the invisible dick with the words “STOP ‘N SHOP” going in and out of my anal region.
I never did get my sale price on the Diet Coke, by the way, and I didn’t realize that I had done anything wrong until I got home, such was my extreme insanity. And there is only one other story — the worst thing I’ve ever done, hands down, and I don’t have the courage to tell you that yet — that makes me cringe as much as this one, because is there anything worse than someone throwing a fit and swearing in a public place? Over a SALE ITEM, no less? Reminds me of my recent flight to New York where a man was pissed that his JetBlue TV didn’t work and he UNLEASHED on the flight attendant about the price of his ticket and how he deserved a working TV for the $10 he paid for his exit row seat (best $10 ever. Really) and the whole time I just wanted to die, because God man, SHUT UP. MOVE SEATS. HERE, TAKE MY TV. But then I thought, maybe he’s quitting smoking. I understand this. At least he didn’t say ass-rape.
I’m surprised no one shot me. Frankly, I’d like to shoot myself just recounting that story.
Ah, nicotine. Horrid stuff to get off, really. Also, the second I said the words “ass raped” I realized that my neighbor was contemplating how to ram something in MY ass to get me to shutthefuckupalreadyjesusquittingsmokingsucksthanksforremindingmebeeyotch.
So I took all of your advice re: working from home and took a nice chunk of the afternoon — a lunch hour, if you will — to walk to the grocery store/co-op for some creme brulee (dude, if I walk there, I earned it, and who says creme brulee isn’t an acceptable lunch?) and would you believe they didn’t have any creme brulee? No? Well apparently I didn’t believe it either, for my reaction was not, “Oh, okay!” but instead was, “Well, what exactly does that MEAN?” as though there were some sort of secret stash of creme brulee for people who really really needed it. This resulted in the clerk thinking I was being bitchy, and a sort of nasty “Who’s On First” convo ensued as I tried to explain myself, because God, that’s not what I meant, I just couldn’t communicate at ALL.
I meant were they out for NOW, or would they NEVER HAVE ANY AGAIN? We never did clarify, and now they think I’m asshole mean creme brulee lady, especially because I consoled myself with creme brulee-flavored ice cream (Ben & Jerry’s) which is SO not the same thing, as I’m more about the creme than the brulee, and would you believe the ice cream masters the brulee, but not the creme? What the HELL, Ben & Jerry’s?
Good lord, I’m really making myself look AWESOME here, aren’t I? I yell at store clerks when they don’t kowtow to my demands! I DEMAND PERFECTION FROM MY GROCERY EXPERIENCE.
(I don’t really. Like, at all. Usually I’m the person who asks for a turkey sandwich, ends up with salami and somehow thinks it’s my fault because I didn’t ENUNCIATE properly, I swear.)
At any rate, I hope you have a great weekend. Mine is only slightly deflated by the fact that I missed our town Fourth of July fireworks celebration because for reasons unknown, they took place TONIGHT. A FULL WEEK BEFORE THE ACTUAL HOLIDAY. Who does that? WHO DOES THAT, VERMONT? HOW COULD YOU BETRAY ME LIKE THIS? My neighbors are equally mystified.
I LOVE small-town holiday events, despite the fact that I hate fireworks. Love. This love has only been slightly diminished by the fact that one fine Fourth, my old town in Massachusetts had feel-around fireworks, thanks to an aggressive wind, which involved several ignited blankets and some painful shrapnel that actually left bruises. (Second repeated story of the day! AM SO BORING.)
Again, ho! Have a great weekend. I’m getting me some creme brulee if it HURTS ME, Weight Watchers be damned. Although did I tell you I’m down four of the seven pounds I’d wanted to lose? HA HA, and I’m gunning for creme brulee. I’m so smart. Way to undo that progress, Jonna.
*Dar Williams
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
33 Comments Add your own
1. slynnro | June 26th, 2008 at 7:16 pm
Being the weirdo that I am, I hate creme brulee. I sort of feel lucky in this regard. I also hate cheese. I KNOW!
I’m always glad that I have never become addicted to cigarettes, because once every few months when I indulge myself in one, it is damn good. So I can kind of see going all ass rape crazy if I were addicted.
2. Jamie | June 26th, 2008 at 8:02 pm
GOD, Dar Williams. How I love her.
That said, I imagine Isaac the dog much like I imagine Isaac Hayes, the person (a.k.a. Shaft!), stealthily lifting up his floor-length leather jacket in order to poop in your yard.
3. Jamie | June 26th, 2008 at 8:04 pm
While porny disco music plays. I forgot to mention that detail.
4. Danielle-Lee | June 26th, 2008 at 8:04 pm
I LOVE CREME BRULEEEEE. And this is a new thing, really. I had a little bit for the first time in a good 10 years, and now ALL.I.WANT.IS.CREME.BRULEE. I have no idea where this desire came from! It’s what I had for dinner on Mother’s day.
How the hell can Ben & Jerry’s do better with the brulee than the creme? I’m so confused!
Ass raped? LOL!
Congrats on the weight loss. I really hope you get to celebrate by eating real creme brulee.
5. Sadie | June 26th, 2008 at 8:29 pm
HAHAHA! Jamie, I want to kiss you on the mouth Isaac Hayes lifting up his floor-length leather jacket to poop! Jonna your commenters are truly special. Special special people I want to kiss on the mouth.
Everything about this post is…well, it’s just,,,I’m right there with you. You’re insane, dude, Just the kind of insane I GET.
Hey, did anyone notice I had FIVE beers tonight? Also it took me forty backspaces to fix all the typos
6. Laura | June 26th, 2008 at 8:36 pm
My god, the cigarettes. My god. I have been smoking for seven years and have quit about, oh, 32432 times, and just keep going back.
It’s why I can’t trash anyone with a drug or alcohol problem, ever. I mean, hi, I can’t quit the Camels and I hate everything there is about smoking (the smell! the white-trash ambience! the paying for things that are killing me!) and it doesn’t even get me high. What makes me think that I could walk away from heroin if I even tried it once?
I remember the fireworks story from the last time you wrote about it, because many years ago I was also at at fireworks display in Massachusetts that ended…badly…and I always wonder if it was the same one.
7. Sundry | June 26th, 2008 at 8:38 pm
I was literally dying at “meatloaves of epic proportions” and then we got to the Stop N’ Shop prison ass raping. Oh, lord.
8. beach | June 27th, 2008 at 3:44 am
Your post today was hilarious….Thanks for the morning chuckles…
9. claire | June 27th, 2008 at 4:59 am
I loved that Stop & Shop story the first time because it SCARES THE CRAP OUT OF ME. I’ve been “thinking about” quitting smoking for what? 3 years now? and i still haven’t worked up the courage to just stop. And then i think about the poor store clerks that are going to feel my wrath if they don’t ring it up right, dammit.
I cried rape in a college bookstore back when they were charging me $400 for 3 textbooks and i was making $7 an hour at my shitty little part time job. I said it and i totally meant it. Bastards.
Oh, but the smoking? I’m glad i never tried anything like heroin, either, Laura. I mean, GOD, i am so weak. Apparently.
10. Jess | June 27th, 2008 at 6:12 am
Oh my god I am so glad that I never took up smoking. I had no idea that quitting caused you to make scenes in public places. I thought it just made you miserable for weeks. Not that that wouldn’t be bad enough.
11. Jakki | June 27th, 2008 at 7:04 am
Ass raping by no means is funny but gawd help me, here I sat at my desk laughing my azz off…
The dog pooping…BIG HUGE pet peeve of mine. I dont allow my dog to even pee in my neighbors yards so when I see it being done…I literally turn into that ‘crazy ass woman who lives in the brick/yellow siding house down the street’…I’ve ALMOST allowed my dog to land one of his missile sized lumps of crap just for pay back.
12. ali | June 27th, 2008 at 8:53 am
it’s a totally acceptable lunch. 100%
13. Kristen | June 27th, 2008 at 9:08 am
I had to delurk today, the ass raping story made me cry with laughter. That is some funny shit!
14. houndrat | June 27th, 2008 at 9:25 am
Wow, I don’t smoke, but now I kind of want to. Especially if it gives me license to let loose with “ass raper” in public places.
And yes, there’s something about dog poop on a lawn that attracts millions of other dog poops. Sort of like a magnet effect. Maybe you need to put out a sign. Something like, “Yes, my dog poops here. But he knows where the land mines are located—the real ones.”
15. Swistle | June 27th, 2008 at 11:09 am
I laughed so hard during that description of the Diet Coke Discount Incident. OMG, I can hardly believe it! You don’t seem AT ALL like you would do that! Did you ever go back there again? When I worked at the pharmacy, every so often a customer would go batshit on us, and then they’d come back the next week and we’d all act as if nothing happened–them AND us.
16. jonniker | June 27th, 2008 at 11:19 am
Swistle, swear to God, I’ve never done anything like that before or since. Ever. It’s HORRIBLE. It’s horrible. It’s about the worst thing I’ve ever done, truly.
And I did eventually go back and I totally (TOTALLY) pretended like nothing happened, despite being HORRIFIED.
17. Danell | June 27th, 2008 at 12:33 pm
“Meatloaves of epic proportions”…my GOD, I want to go to work on my DAY OFF just so I can use that phrase in front of someone…the next big dog I see, I SWEAR I’m working that in somehow.
18. Shana | June 27th, 2008 at 2:03 pm
First it was the Zicam/meatloaf sound, now it’s turds-as-giant-meatloaves. Jonna, I have never been so glad to be vegetarian. Holy crap.
Quitting smoking, as is well known and previously observed, is harder than quitting heroin, so I say you get a pass for any and all insanity you unleashed while quitting. Besides — you gave that cashier a FANTASTIC story, and really, the insane customer stories are one of retail’s very few perks.
The poo thing is universal, I think. Any mother will tell you that her child’s spit/vomit/pee/poo/othersecretion is totally doable, especially by the time the kid’s six or so months old. But some other kid’s secretions? Every bit as gross as any adult stranger’s. Neighbor dog’s poo is so not the same as Sunny’s poo, but from Neighbor’s perspective, it’s Sunny’s teeny poo that’s gross, I suspect. Though there is never any excuse for letting your dog dump in somebody else’s yard. Pffft.
19. The 411 on Diet Clerks &r&hellip | June 27th, 2008 at 2:10 pm
[...] http://www.jonniker.com/?p=553Longtime readers may remember this, but long story short, I informed the clerk at Stop n Shop in Brookline that her failure to give me the sale price on a six-pack of Diet Coke was the equivalent of being raped. Yes, raped. … [...]
20. ms picket to you | June 27th, 2008 at 2:22 pm
spent the day listening to david sedaris awesome new essay about quitting smoking… while smoking.
good god, save me.
21. Houndrat | June 27th, 2008 at 4:04 pm
The best way to retaliate would be to squat for a poop in his yard and see how he likes it. I bet he’d keep the dog off your lawn.
22. Style Bard | June 27th, 2008 at 8:53 pm
<3 Dar, and also am dyyying without Big Love.
somehow never made it to a Boston fireworks show, would you believe. now I don’t regret it as much.
hahaha I first remember that story… still just as horribly funny this time around.
23. Angella | June 28th, 2008 at 10:06 am
I, um, have never HAD creme brulee. I kid you not.
As for the poop, I will give you the same advice I gave Kristin. Put it in a paper bag, place it on the neighbor’s doorstep, and set it on fire.
I am a HUGE fan of the flaming bag of poop.
24. TwoBusy | June 28th, 2008 at 12:35 pm
Cities Jonniker Can Never Move To Because She’s No Longer Allowed in the Supermarket
Brookline, MA? Check.
25. TwoBusy | June 28th, 2008 at 12:35 pm
Oops. Didn’t mean to bold the whole thing. Stupid f#$(%# coding.
26. HeatherPride | June 28th, 2008 at 2:50 pm
Just so you know, I HAD to pick up some Creme Brulee ice cream today – found it at Wal-Mart Supercenter! Yeah, I’m into the brulee more than the creme so it’s goooooood.
27. Michelle | June 29th, 2008 at 5:55 am
Last night, I kept hearing a weird tapping noise.. like someone was inside the walls of our house, trying to irritate me. Then I realized it was the sounds of the town’s fireworks show. The one I was missing.
28. Mauigirl52 | June 29th, 2008 at 12:54 pm
OMG, you are so funny. I’ve been too busy to read blogs this week and I am so excited that I have a whole week’s worth of Jonniker to make me laugh…
Sympathies on quitting smoking. I did it too…25 years ago. I feel your pain.
29. Leaf, probably... | June 29th, 2008 at 8:40 pm
8.30 this morning I started my diet. 3.30pm I found a recipie for caramel flan and copied it down into my diary. I am my very own worst enemy.
30. winterwheat | June 30th, 2008 at 8:07 am
Dude, MAKE your own crème brulée. (Like the accents?) I don’t even like it, and I can do it. The best part is using the little torch. My MIL gave me a cb set (ramekins and torch), AFTER asking me whether I liked cb, to which I answered, “Ew, no.” Her mistake: she should have asked before buying the stupid set. And what does it mean that she gave it to me anyway? Actually, I don’t hate all of it, only the custard. I love the heat-petrified sugar on top. Hence the need to make your own: if, like me, you like the sugar best, you can sprinkle more on and re-caramelize with the torch after you’ve plowed through the first layer. Continue until you hit the bottom of the ramekin.
I’m sorry you had such a difficult time quitting smoking. Everyone seems to go through that. Don’t be hard on yourself. The reason that story is funny is because it’s SO COMPLETELY out of character for you. “Ass raped,” though? Geez, man. Get a grip. (You’ve given me a really good line to deal with enraged, irrational people, though: “Excuse me, you’re acting like you’re quitting smoking. Either that or your blood sugar is really low. Would you like a candy cigarette?”)
Last comment: can I just say I love your commenters? You have a group of fans who are funny as hell; it’s almost as fun to read their comments as it is to read your posts. Nice job attracting excellent groupies.
31. Pam | June 30th, 2008 at 12:32 pm
Oh God, you are so much more evolved than I am. You actually got up, got dressed, and got out of the house on Day 2? I didn’t get dressed or leave the house for at least a week. If, however, you had called me during that week and asked me to back you up in your Stop n Shop ass rape claim, I would have been there for you. Because, of course, it would have seemed so reasonable.
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