It’s Hot (Some Like It Hot)
June 30th, 2008
Well! It finally stopped raining (EIGHTEEN DAYS IN A ROW) enough for us to actually sit lakeside on Sunday, the low point of which was me narrowly missing a good old toeful of dog poo, the high point being those hours just sitting there baking in the sun reading. (Special Topics in Calamity Physics, if you’re wondering. My take so far? Lay off the tricks! Also, the similes. WE’RE DROWNING IN SIMILES. SIMILES LIKE MISERABLE SANDS THROUGH A GRUBBY HOURGLASS.)
Have I mentioned the rain? Yes, I know I have, but MY GOD. THE RAIN. It’s been the wettest summer I’ve ever seen which, combined with the heat and and the propensity of a certain small pug to lay on my shoulders, makes for a truly sticky workday experience, and I can guarantee an ever-present nice sheen of hot, steamy dog breath condensation right in the crook of my neck. I will even rub it against you if you ask nicely. This also means going outside is practically BEGGING for West Nile virus, thanks to unforeseen swarms of mosquitoes, which result in multiple bites in the armpit area and ultrasexy ape-like scratching.
Because of the unfortunate weather situation, life around here has been spectacularly boring, unless you include the long-awaited discovery of Dexter, which might be the best show television ever invented. How is it possible that a serial killer with absolutely no moral code and/or feelings or desire for sex is … somehow creepily hot and — dare I say it — sexy? I’m chalking it up to Michael C. Hall who, again, is not remotely attractive in any other context, yet looks smoldering when pretending to consider harsh, brutal murder. This is not unlike the bizarre crush I’ve harbored on Gary Oldman since Dracula — yes, Dracula, but I have to remind you, in case you already knew this about me, that I mean the YOUNG Dracula, the one all hot and bothered for Mina’s blood, not the one with the Princess Leia shit around his ears, along with those long, windy fingernails. (GAH. FINGERNAILS. BLEAH VOMIT OMFG FINGERNAILS. NOOOOOO.)
In further Darwinian evidence that I should not be allowed to procreate, I woke myself up last night choking on my own drool. Yes, that’s right, I nearly drowned myself in my sleep from excessive sleepy-time saliva production and woke up actually thinking I was dying, but instead of acting rational and attempting to swallow it down like a normal person, I LEAPED out of bed, desperate to contain the coughing so as not to wake up Adam and went flying out of the room in honest consideration that I may have been dying in the same manner as a person who chokes on his own vomit. Instead, woke him with the leaping and hacking, resulting in an oh-so-pleasant midnight conversation that involved a lot of hand gestures for the universal sign for “CHOKING ON SALIVA” along with lame attempts at explaining bed leapage so as to avoid the inevitable mocking for the fact that dude, I nearly drowned on my own DROOL.
In random bits, three miscellaneous items that are in no way related to each other, but illustrate the sad, incredibly boring housebound state that we’re in:
— I discovered a previously forgotten stash of my mom’s lemon bars in our freezer. They’re like a tiny orgasm for the mouth! OH YES THEY ARE. HIGHLIGHT OF THE WEEK.
– I’ve finally found a store that carries Patak’s Indian Garlic Relish. If you can’t find it in your area, might I suggest you order some? Mix with a blend of nonfat yogurt and mayonnaise in an approximately one-to-one ratio for each (is that how ratios work? I mean, equal parts? Am writer, not math-type person and frankly am embarrassed that I don’t know this information and all too often, have to ask people how to do simple math.) Eat with lightly salted cucumbers and TRY NOT TO WEEP FROM ECSTASY.
- After three consecutive loads of laundry that reek of mildew (HORK) despite immediate transfer to dryer, I discovered the problem: The washing machine ITSELF reeks of mildew. Constantly. It’s an ancient front-loading model and it’s always had a SLIGHTLY mildew-y odor, but with the heat and BACK-BREAKING HYOOMIDITY, I was blasted with a face full of rotten laundry odor five minutes post-washing that continued when it was empty. Whaat do I DOOOOOO? I tried a bleach load; nothing! AM I DESTINED TO CLOTHES THAT SMELL LIKE FEET FOREVER?
Happy Tuesday! May you be having more interesting times than we.
*Jay-Z
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
32 Comments Add your own
1. Jessica | June 30th, 2008 at 6:52 pm
Try using 1/2 cup of baking soda in the washer. We do that with our barfy clothes and it works everytime!
2. Susan | June 30th, 2008 at 6:55 pm
I just checked my Queen of Clean book- she recommends 1 quart of bleach on a long, hot cycle, then 1 quart of white vinegar on hot to keep the washer clean- might work for smells, too.
3. willikat | June 30th, 2008 at 6:55 pm
this has nothing to do with your post, but i was at ikea the other day and i noticed that something in the bed department was named “Jonnaker” which was SO CLOSE to your name, i wished i had your phone number to call and tell you. i was excited on your behalf; even if you aren’t excited now. that is all.
4. Sadie | June 30th, 2008 at 7:04 pm
Vinegar, dude. My towels always smell vaguely mildewy, no matter how quickly I put them into the hot dryer, so I always dump a swig of vinegar into the washer along with the Tide. It only smells douchey for a minute, trust.
The rain, lo, it is rainy. What an excellent summer to decide my deck needs staining and sealing! Do you know how long it takes a stained deck to dry during monsoon season? The answer, so far, is “not yet.”
I am off to rummage in my cupboards and freezer in search of this ‘tiny mouth orgasm’ of which you speak.
5. Kelliqua | June 30th, 2008 at 7:15 pm
Yep, white vinegar. Do a high powered (lots of the vinegar) empty rinse and follow up as needed like Sadie said. ‘Tis magic.
6. slynnro | June 30th, 2008 at 7:16 pm
I also once suffered from Mildew Washer of Doom. My solution was moving.
7. Danielle-Lee | June 30th, 2008 at 7:59 pm
Pffft. Choking on your own saliva is NOTHING, i tell you. How about poking yourself in the eye in your sleep, so hard that you wake up ready to fight? And yeah, it was a bit red the next day. O.U.C.H.
8. H | June 30th, 2008 at 8:26 pm
There’s something primal about Michael C. Hall. Reminds me of my teenage crush on – well, I’m embarrassed to say because it was the 70′s – James MacArthur (Jack Lord’s sidekick in Hawaii 5-0).
I’m so afraid of West Nile. My husband had it and it is a bad thing to have – he wasn’t hospitalized but he was hallucinating and sicker than a dog for a couple of weeks. Now we laugh about the conversations we had during the hallucinations. At the time, they weren’t so funny.
9. vague | June 30th, 2008 at 8:32 pm
Now I am going to be obsessed with the fear of choking to death on my own saliva. I hate drooling in my sleep: I always half wake up, but only enough to dream I am drooling and not enough to stop it.
In other bone-headed moves, don’t you hate it when you get soap in your eye in the shower? It seems like that should stop happening after the age of 5, when we should all be competent at showering.
10. vague | June 30th, 2008 at 8:34 pm
I forgot to say: love Dexter! Love him! What a great show.
11. Suebob | June 30th, 2008 at 8:48 pm
Trust me, as you read on in Calamity Physics, you will only want to strangle her more and more. It abates a bit about 3/4 of the way through, but then the last 30 pages make you want to rub honey all over her smug little smartypants and tie her to an anthill (and you know from anthills!)
So you have a lot to look forward to.
12. Orange Peacock | July 1st, 2008 at 3:12 am
It’s possible that your lead line from the house water supply to the washer is mildewy inside…I don’t know how handy you/Adam/your landlord is, but if various chemical solutions don’t work, you might want to try replacing the line. Especially if your house was unoccupied for awhile prior to you moving in.
(We had that happen to our ICE-MAKER. Ew Ew Ew Ew EW!)
13. carolyn | July 1st, 2008 at 3:40 am
OMG the saliva choking! Both times I got pregnant I choked on saliva in the early days. Just sayin’.
And I keep the door ot the washer open to air out. Too lazy to vinegar the line or some such grown upish thing.
14. Angella | July 1st, 2008 at 4:16 am
Baking soda! The face cloths we use for the kids get all NASTY and I read about baking soda in…Real Simple? Maybe?
It works like a charm!
15. mollykath | July 1st, 2008 at 4:48 am
I was one of those rabid Six Feet Under fans, and now am totes a rabid Dexter fan, and it is a little bit of a mindfuck to see David Fisher as Dexter Morgan but I don’t care because I looooooove him a million billion times, ESPECIALLY when he puts on his killn’ henley and cargo pants. Oh, Showtime, thank you for saving TV! Dexter is fantastic…
16. claire | July 1st, 2008 at 5:34 am
Re: Calamity Physics? I had read about 2 chapters and then i read a review that Suebob wrote (which she pretty much echos above) and decided, pfffff. I didn’t really care enough in the first place and put it down. I found her writing style amazingly annoying. So let us know if you think it ever gets any better.
17. Swistle | July 1st, 2008 at 6:06 am
OMG, our washing machine are CYCLING TOGETHER!! Mine smells awful TOO! This morning I dried off with a towel, and then I actually had to GET BACK INTO THE SHOWER because the towel put its smell on me. And it was a “fresh” towel straight from the finished laundry. I’m going to read your comment section now and get ideas. I already ran a hot-water-and-bleach load, which did not work.
18. Swistle | July 1st, 2008 at 6:08 am
Washing MACHINES, I mean. Your one plus my one equals plural machines.
19. Aprylsantics | July 1st, 2008 at 6:22 am
Major blogless delurker here. I love Gary Oldman as the young Dracula. Intensely. I so wanted Keannu Reaves to go away (but that’s normal for me).
Vinegar is also the first thing that popped into my mind, too. Hope it works for you.
Love your blog. Came here via Izzymom once and decided to stick around.
20. She Likes Purple | July 1st, 2008 at 6:36 am
Dexter really is pure brilliance, isn’t it? It gets better too! He gets more … likable? … redeeming? … something I can’t quite put my finger on but you’ll see.
I don’t know if you watch Weeds but that’s the other Showtime gem I can recommend in a normal tone (not like One Tree Hill or Jon & Kate Plus Eight which I sort of suggest in a whisper to people). Every time America Ferrara beats Mary-Louise Parker (of Weeds) out for lead actress in a comedy, I die a little inside . THERE IS NO COMPARISON.
21. houndrat | July 1st, 2008 at 7:19 am
Wow, and I’ve been thinking all along that laundry is supposed to smell like feet. Thanks for enlightening me.
And please, could you describe the universal sign for “CHOKING ON SALIVA” in more detail? You never know when that’s gonna come in handy.
22. Andrea | July 1st, 2008 at 9:23 am
I read somewhere that with front loader washers, water can collect somewhere INSIDE the washer itself, like there’s somewhere near the drain that just doesn’t completely drain out, and I wonder if that’s the source of your mildewy smell. I don’t know enough about them, though, to help further. Aren’t I just useful? I’d say vinegar can’t hurt, but maybe you could call the manufacturer. I wonder if they could tell you how to get at that non-drainy spot with a wet/dry vac or something.
You can’t have Dexter. He’s already been my boyfriend since I read the first Dexter book (Darkly Dreaming Dexter by Jeff Lindsay) when it first came out. (Hey! There’s a good book rec for you!) However, I have to say that the books are good, but the show is so much better, and I don’t say that often. Usually the film equivalent of a literary work is only a shadow of the story, but in this case, Michael C. Hall MAKES that show. He’s just DREAMY, in a non-conventional kind of way. He’s just such a likable monster. And I could go on and on and on. But I’ll spare you.
23. Kristin H | July 1st, 2008 at 10:18 am
Your choking episode reminds me of the time when my husband and I were first dating and I woke up alllll sweaty and gross, from an episode of night sweats. In my sleep daze I got up and rolled on the carpet to get the sweat off. There’s nothing as sexy as getting back into bed covered in carpet fibers and dirt.
24. Danell | July 1st, 2008 at 12:49 pm
Uuuugh…the washing machine mildew…same thing has been happening here. I have been quite frustrated by it, especially since i HATE doing laundry. HATE. When my husband got out of the shower the other day, I heard him mutter something to the effect of “am I EVER going to dry off with a towel that doesn’t smell like shit again?” To which I swore loudly and mightily and maybe threw something and mentioned that maybe HE could do the GODDAMN LAUNDRY if he doesn’t like how it smells when I do it. Because I am very mature and reasonable and think that drying off with an ass-aroma’d towel doesn’t warrant comments like that.
25. Danell | July 1st, 2008 at 12:52 pm
Krisin H- HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Oh sh*t…but that is FUNNY. Night sweats suck.
26. Jamie | July 1st, 2008 at 2:07 pm
I’m pretty convinced that baking soda is the antidote to most major life problems. It’s connection to baked goods is merely a peripheral bonus.
27. Carolyn J. | July 1st, 2008 at 4:23 pm
mollykath noticed the “killin’ henley and cargo pants”! I’ve been ranting on about Dexter on my blog for ages. I can’t bring myself to watch it on CBS because they will have to edit, oh about a third of it.
Switching to laundry soap solved many of my laundry problems.
http://deodand.typepad.com/crappy_customer_service/2008/06/etsy-recommendation-1.html
28. Ang | July 1st, 2008 at 5:23 pm
I had the stinky washer and ended up buying this product – http://www.smellywasher.com/ – and it did work really well. I have to use it a few times a year – and in between I also do bleach loads followed by vinegar loads.
29. MsPrufrock | July 2nd, 2008 at 6:14 am
I have Gary Oldman magnets, so deep does my love run. Perhaps this is something that one should not confess in a public forum.
I started out all casual watching Dexter and then became addicted. Despite being such a fan I still struggle with the actor being Michael C. Hall and not Anthony Michael Hall. I read someone talking of the show recently, and referred to MCH as a barrel of serial killing hotness. I thought to myself, “Uh, duh. Michael C. Hall is not Dexter, he’s The Geek.” Some pop culture whore I am…
30. Mauigirl52 | July 2nd, 2008 at 2:08 pm
Muffling my laughter behind my hand here at work….the DROOL hacking paragraph pushed me over the edge!
I thought Gary Oldman was hot in Dracula too…
31. Erin | July 8th, 2008 at 6:50 pm
Yikes…I read Special Topics in Calamity Physics because someone posted it as a favorite when a blogger requested recommendations. I suffered all the way through it. I say, quit while you’re ahead!
Good luck with the washer – it seems vinegar and baking soda are super-heroes in the cleaning/destinking department.
And I feel ya on the drool choking. Totally sounds like something that would happen to me!
32. the road less traveled &r&hellip | July 13th, 2008 at 1:29 pm
[...] tried out something I read WAY back at the beginning of July on Jonniker’s site. I finally decided that it [...]
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