Turning Japanese
July 8th, 2008
The Salad Ballroom hit its first major snag Sunday evening, when I caught a man having a conversation with his elderly father over whether the crab-pasta salad was mayonnaise based. You’d think that by the very nature of its WHITE CREAMINESS and PASTA SALAD-NESS that its mayo-ness (lots of OBVIOUS NESSES) was a total no-shitter, but apparently, you would be wrong. You be wrong, because the man actually DIPPED HIS FINGER INTO THE PASTA SALAD AND LICKED IT, and continued on his merry way. And later, OH LATER, I watched him do the same to the poppyseed dressing WITH THE SAME FINGER.
I think this is why people are afraid of salad bars. I just happened to have lived my 32 and a half years without witnessing such an incident first-hand. But I ask you: how the HELL do you not know if a) a WHITE CREAMY PASTA SALAD has mayo in it (Hint: IT DOES); or b) what poppyseed dressing tastes like? I’m sorry, but if you don’t know the answers to either a) or b), then you don’t have the right to visit a salad bar. They should do random spot checks for such knowledge to avoid such vomitous contamination.
In other, equally stomach-churning news, it seems my basil plants have Japanese beetles. And folks, I’m PISSED. I LOVE my basil plants and use them almost every day, and while I really don’t want to go on about how absurdly proud I am of my garden (I’ll tell anyone who walks, “Hi! I HAVE A GARDEN AND IT IS AWESOME”), the truth is that I AM, and I’m not in any mood to tolerate any little iridescent beetle eviscerating my preshus baby basil plants.
Unfortunately, they were able to nearly eviscerate me, for when I went out and bought the traps (DIE BEETLES DIE), no sooner had I peeled off the protective backing to the bait was I — I mean, my body, my head, my PERSON — completely swarmed with beetles. As in, I later unearthed a beetle carcass from my bra. That shit is apparently uh, attractive to them. Too bad I was too much of a dumbass to put it ON TOP of my basil plants, thereby leading them to the food source. (Am smart.) This is total evidence that I should not have a garden and further evidence of such claims is that I found a set of mating earwigs in a lettuce head I’d just harvested and proceeded to THROW the lettuce across the room in my kitchen, losing the earwigs entirely. Somewhere in my kitchen there is a set of mating earwigs spreading their pinchy assedness throughout my entire house. GRAH. See also: screaming fits when encountering garden slugs.
Can you tell there isn’t much going on here, other than work and sweat, work and sweat, work, sweat and Dexter (season two, y’all!)? Well, that, and a visit to a farmer’s market with a friend tomorrow (artisan cheese!), and if THAT’S not riveting, I don’t know what is.
Also, look, there’s been something kind of big I’ve been keeping from you — from everyone, really — and I’m not sure how I can go on. Many people know my secret because I’ve really sucked at keeping it, and was hoping to NEVER EVER HAVE TO ADMIT IT, EVER.
I joined Twitter. Ski slopes are being groomed in Hell.
I don’t even know WHY I joined — on a Friday night, no less — but I do know that I did it on a total whim, decided to “follow” (WORST TERM EVER) Sundry, who unfortunately knew of my Twitter-hate, and within ten seconds had a direct message with little more than “HAAAAAAAAAAAAA”, followed by a similar one from Whoorl saying the same. There was a lot of laughing at my expense, and while I still hate it, sort of, I’m USING IT. AND EMBARRASSED ABOUT IT. BUT IT’S NOT STOPPING ME.
And now you know. Mock me, for I deserve it. I mocked Twitter mercilessly and now I’m uh, Tweeting (GROSS). Someone hold me or stone me or something. Because I am a hypocritical piece of crap, I KNOW.
(Between you and me, I’m only outing myself because Tessie and Swistle joined and I felt like I was HIDING when I followed them, because surprise! AM TWITTERING.)
Happy Wednesday!
*The Vapors
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
33 Comments Add your own
1. H | July 8th, 2008 at 8:09 pm
Oh, you don’t even want to know how ridiculous I look and how loudly I scream when I encounter slugs (mostly on the tomato plants) in my garden. It is pure entertainment for the neighbors. It kills me because I know they’re incredibly slow and I don’t even know what they could do if they did “get” me — SLIME ME? Whatever – they’re gross.
Good luck with the beetles.
2. slynnro | July 8th, 2008 at 9:04 pm
I refuse to say tweet. REFUSE. MOST OBNOXIOUS WORD EVER.
3. Suebob | July 8th, 2008 at 9:08 pm
Your joining twitter was the high point of my year so far.
4. Camels & Chocolate | July 8th, 2008 at 9:09 pm
I still don’t really “get” the whole Twitter phenom. I mean, if you (being a universal you, not you you) are just going to talk back and forth to friends, why not text or e-mail? Why broadcast it out there on the web for the whole world to see? I just don’t understand.
Beetles, be gone!
5. carolyn | July 9th, 2008 at 4:13 am
I totally thought I was in for a post about “turning Japanese” in the true Master of your Domain reference… And then beetles and twitter. I am MAKING myself not twitter and plurk. I know the cool kids are doing it, I know it seems enticing with all its sidebar updates, but what if it’s the gateway? What if I twitter and plurk to the point where I forget to feed my kids or something? Because I’m almost there with the blogging already. Just. Saying. No.
But it looks so pretty and fun… I mean just. saying. no.
6. Shelly | July 9th, 2008 at 4:35 am
Are the beetles what makes nice little eaten holes in the pretty pretty basil? I have HOLES in my basil……….and it ticks me off.
Twitter? I keep hearing about it, but for the computer UN-sophisticated (meaning, only me, I guess), WHAT IS TWITTER? And if I tweet, will it interfere FURTHER with my work production?
7. Sadie | July 9th, 2008 at 5:06 am
EARWIGS! Just last night I was dead-heading my roses and one of those pinchy pincher bugs crawled out of a spent bloom and PINCHED me on the hand and I shrieked and threw the flowers. My boyfriend asked what happened and I told him my roses were full of pincher bugs. “Earwigs?” he said. And that was the first time in my entire life, though I have encountered many, many pincher bugs, that I realized THOSE WERE earwigs. I guess I thought an earwig was like a boll weevil. You know, a funny antique-sounding insect I’ve never seen. AND NOW THEY ARE MATING IN YOUR LETTUCE.
Not much grosses me out (I eat things after I drop on the floor, once I pick the dog hair off them) but the double-dipping finger-licker at the salad bar makes me rescind my offer to accompany you to the Salad Ballroom.
8. Lawyerish | July 9th, 2008 at 5:06 am
Wow. WOW. What a slap in the face to have to come TO YOUR BLOG and find out this…this…BETRAYAL, without even the courtesy of an email heads-up.
I feel somehow that I have lost you.
9. Sadie | July 9th, 2008 at 5:09 am
Also, am I supposed to write that as “pincer” and not “pincher?” Since I know we’re all word nerds and all…
10. Tessie | July 9th, 2008 at 5:16 am
Listen, it’s totally, TOTALLY possible that I have an epic case of the Fuck-Its right now, and therefore my judgement is somewhat impaired, but…I sort of love Twitter. There. I’m not even sorry. Everyone is so FUNNY!
I have to agree about the “following” though. Everytime I get an email saying “SomeoneI’veNeverHeardOf would like to FOLLOW YOU ON TWITTER”, I’m like, uhhhh…
As if I don’t have a Public Weblog Where I Use My Real Name and Location. Whatever. At least when I check my blog stats, it lists “visitors” (friendly!), and not “followers” (REE! REE! REE!)
11. Jakki | July 9th, 2008 at 5:28 am
twitter you too! I know -R- joined and I know several people on it but have never wandered into that neck of the woods. perhaps i shall…
you make me laugh ‘die beettle die’…i so understand soooooooooooo understand.
i dont think i could have taken the double dipper…
12. Black Hockey Jesus | July 9th, 2008 at 5:40 am
Whenever I’m a hypocrite I just go off with that Walt Whitman line about how he contradicts himself because he’s large and contains multitudes.
It puts a positive spin on things plus it makes me look complex and literary.
13. TwoBusy | July 9th, 2008 at 6:19 am
It must be a huge relief to get that off your chest.
Your secret Twitter life, I mean. Although I guess the beetle carcass counts, too.
14. gwyneth | July 9th, 2008 at 6:48 am
yeah, well…i refused to say the word “blog” for AT LEAST 3 years. i’m still not a huge fan, but once something’s hit the dictionary, i mean…resistance is futile, right?
cone on, though…doesn’t it sound like an orc word? bloggggggg. blog. blogggg. ew.
15. -R- | July 9th, 2008 at 6:49 am
Should I google to see what an earwig is? Will I be sorry?
I was surprised but happy to see you on Twitter!
16. christine | July 9th, 2008 at 7:05 am
For your beetles, you can also try to plant some garlic next to your plants or throw a couple of cloves with water in a blender and then spritz your plants.
My mom used to do that to her roses, it worked well enough I suppose.
For the slugs bury a cup to its rim in the ground and pour in some beer. Slugs are gross but stupid and they love what kills them.
But here I am giving gardening assvice when I had no idea the “pinchybutt” bugs are actually earwigs. Oh what we picked up from our non-native English speaking mother. Reminds me of the day my sister learned that a dustpan was not commonly known as a “Scooperdupa”
17. ali | July 9th, 2008 at 8:27 am
you are a total twitter whore. admit it
hahaha!
18. Emily | July 9th, 2008 at 8:30 am
Beetle Infestation = AWFUL. I feel your pain. Right now we’re battling squash bugs on our lovely tomato plants. SQUASH bugs on TOMATO plants. I just want to point out the irony there. Unless the “squash” in their name implies that they live to be squashed. AM UP TO THE TASK.
19. elise | July 9th, 2008 at 9:46 am
And now I’m following you! http://twitter.com/neishie
P.S. I was totally on board, on the same page with you re: Twitter Derision. However, due to non-blogging friends of mine getting Twitter and then bugging me mercilessly to follow them, I caved WAY before you did. Oh well.
20. Kristin H | July 9th, 2008 at 9:56 am
Nothing is quite as satisfying as flicking Japanese beetles off your plants as hard as you possibly can. Except maybe drowning them in some kind of noxious substance, like kerosene. DIE BITCHES.
TOTALLY thought the secret you were going to reveal was that you’re pregnant. Damn.
21. BaltimoreGal | July 9th, 2008 at 10:06 am
I love twitter. And I don’t care who knows.
And I hate salad bars. Esp. the ones popping up at- gak- grocery stores {throws up}. EW.
22. BaltimoreGal | July 9th, 2008 at 10:12 am
I must also know where in VT you reside. As I spent some time there. And dated an Adam. But I’m sure it’s a different one. But I must be sure!
23. jonniker | July 9th, 2008 at 10:26 am
HA HA. BaltimoreGal, I assure you, it’s not the same one. We met when we were 23-year-old infants on the streets of Boston after knowing OF each other in college. We moved here together!
24. Leah | July 9th, 2008 at 10:33 am
You say you “use” Twitter. Now maybe you can explain that to me because it’s the part I just don’t get. How does one USE it? Or more to the point, how is it “useful”? Don’t get me wrong, I love reading other people’s sidebar Twitters (NOT TWEETS. ICK.), but I just don’t understand what the Twitterer gets out of it. Enlighten me, please.
25. Jess | July 9th, 2008 at 10:36 am
YAY for all these fun Twitter people coming out of the woodwork! I’m glad you finally ‘fessed up.
Also, Torsten has basil plants on our windowsill, and he is inordinately proud of them as well. But that beetle thing? OH MY GOD.
26. She Likes Purple | July 9th, 2008 at 10:44 am
Forget Twitter, what the hell are earwigs? I refuse to Google them. NOTHING GOOD COMES FROM ME GOOGLING BUGS.
27. Lynn | July 9th, 2008 at 4:23 pm
Your earwig story just made milk come out my nose.
Plus it is bringing to light several deeply buried memories of summer weeks spent at my aunt’s cottage. There won’t be any good sleeping tonight, I’m afraid!
28. Swistle | July 9th, 2008 at 4:31 pm
We’re all highly contagious: Twitter is spreading madly.
I am glad that I never said bad things about Twitter, so that I could join and just say “la la la!” At least, I HOPE I never said bad things about Twitter.
I can picture you with the lettuce. I have had several disturbing thoughts about how if I DID ever find a snake in the house, I would have to STAY WITH IT (rather than RUN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION, SCREAMING), because worse than a snake in the house is a snake god-knows-where in the house.
29. Danielle-lee | July 9th, 2008 at 7:31 pm
I REFUSE, FLAT OUT, refuse to start twittering! I don’t need another THING to do! So…you broke down and you are a twit now, huh? Heehee-I amuse myself.
30. Assertagirl | July 10th, 2008 at 8:31 am
Just followed you. Don’t you feel dirty?
31. Alyce | July 10th, 2008 at 3:07 pm
Twitter is just one more way for the cool girls to toss/flip their hair and inspect their fingernail polish when I walk by.
32. the new girl | July 10th, 2008 at 4:04 pm
I’m with Sadie about the double-dipping finger-licker, which, btw, would make an EXCELLENT name to call someone when you’re angry at them.
I’m still laughing about that one.
And The Twitter? It grows on you, really. And minus all the teenagery lingo, it IS actually kind of fun.
33. Susan | July 11th, 2008 at 5:30 pm
Are you near the Burlington farmer’s market? because I have a friend who is always telling me about it and I just want to kick her for being all “my farmers market has 5 star dining and home grown kumquats, how’s yours?” My farmers market has six booths and all of them are selling radishes.
Leave a Comment
Some HTML allowed:
<a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>
Trackback this post | Subscribe to the comments via RSS Feed