The Devil Never Sleeps
July 10th, 2008
O-kay! Who’s excited to hear both the grossest thing in the world AND the most delicious discovery I’ve made since the now-maligned Salad Ballroom?
While preparing the garbage for ah, garbage night (what else?), I noticed that not only was it stinkier than usual, but it … well, how do I put this? Something WHITE fell from the lid when I lifted it and when I looked down, I was greeted with the worst of all outcomes: TEEMS OF MAGGOTS. And I’m sorry, I can’t get it out of my head. It was … it was EPIC in its TEEMING TEEMINESS. They moved! They wriggled! THEY WERE EVERYWHERE. They … wait a second, why is Fairuza Balk hovering over me screaming about Manon? THIS IS NOT A GIFT FROM MANON.
The culprit was a chicken carcass that escaped from its plastic bag that I’d put it in for this express purpose — maggot AVOIDANCE, that is. I … I’m sorry for telling you about this, it’s just that apparently I can’t stop. I think I’m hoping that the more I talk about it, the more the memory will fade. I’m sharing with you, you see. SHARING.
This is also a PSA to let you know that Googling is not only bad when you have a medical condition (Did you know a headache can be a sign of an aortic aneurysm?), but Googling “Maggots in trash” will result in the kind of horror stories that will have you bleaching your entire house from top to bottom, then promptly dipping your body into a vat of some kind of GERM-KILLING ACID, because duuuude, there were endless stories of people … people who had MAGGOTS IN THEIR STOVES. IN THEIR STOVES. AND THEY COULDN’T GET THEM OUT.
(Guess who took apart her entire stove at midnight? Three guesses! )
(Also, I think that maggots in your stove maybe implies a low level of cleanliness that mercifully, I have not sunk to. I mean, right? Tell me I won’t be infested! TELL ME!)
Now who’s ready to talk about ice cream? Who? YUMMY, right? Well, if you can bear to read these two things separately, I’ll tell you that there are few things I find more mystifying than a person who doesn’t like ice cream. I married one of those people, and it remains a constant point of contention (“Let’s go out for ice cream!” “Nah, I don’t feel like it.”) The only thing I like more than ice cream is cake, and I can’t even talk about cake and ice cream TOGETHER.
Which brings me to … Ben & Jerry’s Cake Batter ice cream. Have you had it? Have you DIED? Because I did and I died. Yes. It’s yellow cake batter flavored ice cream that actually TASTES like cake batter and (oh I can barely type this without salivating) it has a CHOCOLATE FROSTING SWIRL. And it is actually frosting, not chocolate ice cream. It’s FROSTING. SWIRLED IN CAKE BATTER.
And finally, we’ve been eating out this week, because GOOD GODDAMN, it’s too hot to cook (someday remind me to tell you about the Night of the Chicken in the Blazing Heat), and Adam was forced to order something off the menu called the “Hot Gobbler”. It’s vaguely dirty is it not? And do you think they KNOW? Further, why are restaurants so determined to embarrass their guests when they order dinner?
Happy weekend!
*Iron & Wine.
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
46 Comments Add your own
1. Jennifer | July 10th, 2008 at 5:27 pm
Gross.
I don’t like ice cream. This irritates the hell out of my husband – except Americone Dream – that’s good stuff.
And this is embarrassing, but I’ve been reading for almost a year and only just got the song title thing. I always wondered why you were naming random bands at the bottom of each post.
2. Sadie | July 10th, 2008 at 5:54 pm
HA! Did Adam order the Hot Gobbler at a chain restaurant? Because that sounds sooo familiar and I have a feeling that somewhere, my boyfriend may have ordered it once in front of me just to make me snort my beverage out my nose.
I love ice cream but I try not to keep it in the house, lest I eat the whole container in one sitting. Tonight I had a grape popsicle instead. But your description of that Cake Batter bullshit is tantalizing.
Also: maggots in the stove: NO. I’m sorry, you have to be VERY DIRTY to get maggots in your stove. I can’t think of any reasonable explanation for how that could happen unless you keep a foul, foul house.
3. Susan | July 10th, 2008 at 5:57 pm
I love ice cream, too, and have taken to buying the little tiny one serving containers of Ben and Jerry’s that come with their own spoon- very cute- and good portion control! It’s only in limited flavors, though, so I have not tried cake batter yet. I think that may change the next time I hit the grocery store. Frosting + ice cream = yum.
4. Danell | July 10th, 2008 at 5:57 pm
I can’t even begin to tell you about the maggots I have removed from PETS…as in poor cats and dogs that live IN THE HOUSE with PEOPLE…where they sleep in BEDS. Usually happens with the really hairy little dogs, like shih tzus and such. Someone will come in and say “Fluffy really stinks lately, and he doesn’t seem to feel well.” And I will lift up the tail and pull back a big matt of hair and say “well, see all these maggots swarming in and out of his heiny-hole? that there is prob’ly why he ain’t feelin’ too well, ma’am.” And then the owner faints.
And apparently I can begin to tell you, after all. Sorry.
Cold Stone has a really tasty cake batter ice cream, too…but I like rainbow sprinkles in it rather than anything chocolate.
5. jonniker | July 10th, 2008 at 5:59 pm
Sadie: It was a locally-owned place, who totally should have known better, right?
6. christine | July 10th, 2008 at 6:07 pm
J. you know I really like you right?
Because I do. But I swear if you ever go from discussing maggots in stoves and found on chicken carcasses to the deliciousness of ice cream (of any flavor, but especially cake and/or brownie batter varieties) without a buffer post, or at least topic…well I don’t know if I’ll be able to read any more. Since I will be dead. From dry heaving.
That is all.
7. Anne L. | July 10th, 2008 at 6:22 pm
MAGGOTS. Two stories.
1. When I was 12-13, I brought some trash out to the garage and when I lifted the lid, maggots fell off it. I FLUNG the lid across the garage, creating an arc of maggots that were EVERYWHERE for days. Lifelong phobia.
2. A few weeks ago when retrieving the can from the curb, very similar situation. I was brave this time and just threw the can back on the lawn and ran inside squealing. Husband rinsed out can and dumped the contents on the street (wet, wriggling maggots) and one fat robin had a feast for the entire afternoon. I spent the afternoon running outside to affirm that yes, the maggots really drowning AND being eaten. That robin looked like he thought he’d won the lottery.
Ack.
8. ali | July 10th, 2008 at 6:35 pm
*i dont like ice cream*
dont hate me.
9. slynnro | July 10th, 2008 at 6:46 pm
Aaron will always order the embarrassingly named item on the menu. For the sake of being embarrassed. It’s like his really lame hobby or something.
10. Danielle-lee | July 10th, 2008 at 7:35 pm
Maggots! Ick! If you want more bug stuff, go to my blog-I just posted about the neverending bug fiasco at my house. Ick Ick!
I love ice cream so much! And cake! I have not had Ben & Jerry’s Cake Batter, but you can guaran-damn-tee I will be on the search for it tomorrow!!! Or now.
11. Mauigirl52 | July 10th, 2008 at 7:41 pm
Maggots….eeeewwww. So sorry this happened to you.
How can people have maggots in their stove? If they turned on the oven wouldn’t they, like, crisp up and die?
That addressed, moving on to the ice cream. Cake batter. Yum! Must try it!
12. Corinne | July 10th, 2008 at 7:41 pm
Oh Jesus. Maggots are the one thing I CANNOT deal with…and the same thing happens to me once a year. Last summer? I turned the light on in the kitchen one morning and noticed that my floor was moving…
…after I stopped screaming I died. And then I made my husband get out of bed and help me clean them up. They were migrating all over the kitchen and I turned the oven on just to make sure that nothing was living in there, either. Since that day, I’ve thrown every carcass, meat tray, or anything remotely attractive to flies outside.
I am going to try the cake batter ice cream this weekend – I’ve been eyeing it up for weeks. It’ll make me forget that you mentioned maggots.
13. vague | July 10th, 2008 at 7:45 pm
I don’t really dislike ice cream, but I don’t really like it, either. I’m only ever in the mood for it bout once or twice a year. It’s just so…cold.
And the Hot Gobbler – sounds either icky or awesome, I can’t decide. I used to live near this pizza place, which I think was a chain, but I can’t remember, and their Hawaiian pizza was called “The Sweet Pig.” I love Hawaiian pizza, but how horrible is it to have to ask for it by that name? EW.
14. Camels & Chocolate | July 10th, 2008 at 7:47 pm
MMMMMMM. That’s sounds amazing about now. And if you like that, you’ll LOVE Edy’s special edition American Idol flavor, which is cake batter with some yummy blue swirl and SPRINKLES! It’s just about the best thing ever.
Though I don’t want any kind of ice cream at the moment as I have MAGGOTS on the brain. Thanks for that.
15. Sundry | July 10th, 2008 at 8:18 pm
I don’t understand any of you ice cream h8rs. WTF PEOPLE. Also, I married one too, and the one good thing about that is: MORE FOR ME.
(Cake batter ice cream OMFG.)
16. Mammaren | July 10th, 2008 at 8:35 pm
I’m a weirdo.. I only do the soy ice cream..
also, I agree about the stove and cooking the maggots.. FOUL! also, how does that even happen? Makes me feel even better to not have meat in my house..
YUCK
17. Cami | July 10th, 2008 at 9:12 pm
Cake batter. Mmmmmmm.
Maggots. Oh-my-gawd! ‘Nuff said.
18. Trina | July 10th, 2008 at 10:27 pm
Ok. I don’t understand the maggots in the stove. Can’t you just turn it on high and fry the things to kingdom come?
Also, while that Cake Batter ice cream sounds devilishly good (and I’m sure I will have some before the summer is over), I’m really meh on ice cream. Now, *water ice* is another story! I will definitely eat my weight in lemon water ice from Rita’s by the end of August. I guarantee it.
19. winterwheat | July 11th, 2008 at 12:11 am
I’m with Jennifer and Trina and Sundry’s and your DH: not into ice cream. Makes me thirsty, and I prefer to *chew* my sugar. (See crème brulée post.) But I’ll eat ice cream on cake, and especially on a warm brownie.
The Hot Gobbler! ROFL! Ever ordered Moons Over My Hammy at Denny’s? I think OPI, the nail polish outfit, employs the same person to name their products. I remember eating at a Big Boy as a kid, and giggling uncontrollably when one of my brothers ordered the strawberry pie by name: “I’ll have Our Fresh Strawberry Pie.” Hot Gobbler, though: how can you order that without concealing an embarrassed laugh and a suggestive gleam in the eye? Back in the kitchen, the waitress sighs wearily: “Another guy glanced at my crotch while ordering a Hot Gobbler.”
20. winterwheat | July 11th, 2008 at 4:21 am
Thanks man. After I posted I went back to sleep and dreamt that there was a big boil on my right cheek. I picked at it and the skin came away as easily as cobwebs; I squeezed and out came a giant ball of maggots. They crawled all over my arms and the mirror and the counters (I was in the bathroom). I could feel them in my hair. Shortly before the dream took a hairpin turn and concerned itself with something entirely different (thank god), one of the maggots said, “To a fly, a maggot is precious,” and I had a brief image of flies getting IVF to have desperately wished-for maggots.
21. Shelly | July 11th, 2008 at 4:48 am
Ok–you got me. I like Ice Cream but I do not ADORE ice cream. I do adore, however, yellow cake with chocolate frosting, so I will be stopping by the store after work and imbibing in some Cake Batter ice cream. OMG. I can’t wait.
I have to ask…..HAVE TO….WTF is a Hot Gobbler? Please tell me it’s a hot turkey sandwich or something else smalltownish—-because if it’s naughty…then that is just…..well…….not right.
Oh, regarding cake AND ice cream……melty ice cream all smooshed into fabulous cake? THAT is my fantasy….seriously…….
22. TwoBusy | July 11th, 2008 at 4:49 am
Gotta agree with Christine. Maggots-to-ice cream = grossest transition ever.
23. Inzaburbs | July 11th, 2008 at 5:09 am
Hmmm… Which is worse, maggots or roaches? Because we are battling roaches right now. With the weather we have been having, they seem to prefer inside to out. Don’t bother clicking over to my blog though, they are so disgusting I will never blog about them. I have standards
OMG, I just clicked over to Danielle-Lee. Her pile of daddy-Long-Legs wins hands down!
24. Jess | July 11th, 2008 at 5:20 am
I haven’t had B&J cake batter ice cream, but I have had Coldstone Creamery cake batter ice cream, and that stuff is DELICIOUS.
Also, OMG MAGGOTS. I wouldn’t even have known that’s what they were! Gross!
25. Katie | July 11th, 2008 at 5:52 am
Oh good lord, I would have lost it! I found a worm in a green pepper last night and promptly gagged and felt itchy all over afterwards!
On a better note, that ice cream sounds so delicious!
26. She Likes Purple | July 11th, 2008 at 6:47 am
Oh, Jonna, CAKE BATTER ICE CREAM? YES PLEASE!
Also, thank you for ending the post on such a high note because OMG MAGGOTS I CANNOT STAND THE THOUGHT OF THEM. When I was in high school, I was sitting on the floor of the kitchen and a maggot scooted across the floor and I have never been the same. (Something apparently died IN OUR WALLS and the maggots were taking over, oh holy hell, I’m going to be sick.) There is nothing grosser IN THIS WORLD than a maggot. I stand by that too.
27. She Likes Purple | July 11th, 2008 at 6:48 am
Oh, also, if you want to feel better about your level of cleanliness, watch “Verminators.” And try not to judge the people who have finally called for help only after they could no longer walk into their kitchen because of the roaches running rampant.
28. Flibberty | July 11th, 2008 at 6:54 am
We had maggots in our trash once when I was a kid. I didn’t know what they were, but my parents kept us away from the garage for like the entire summer after that episode, so I always thought they were poison or could kill you in some manner or another. I don’t think I was that far off, because odds are I would die if I found them anywhere near my home.
Also, according to Danell above, I apparently need to check my dogs’ heiny holes. Dear god.
I will have to get some of this cake batter ice cream, becuase I adore cake batter ice cream from Cold Stone and maybe this stuff is even better!
29. Jen | July 11th, 2008 at 7:19 am
Any sort of bug clumping makes me want to vomit, so I can only imagine the horrible reaction I would have had to seeing legions of maggots all squiggling around together. I am shuddering at the thought.
Here’s a random aside for you: I remembered your luck with the Terro traps for ants in your house, and when we had a bunch of black ants around, I promptly went out and got some. Like you, I was so fascinated by the ants coming to the traps to eat that I actually took pictures with my camera phone and showed my friends. LIKE I AM PROUD OF THE ANTS IN MY HOUSE. The point of this is, are your ants gone? Did you have to proceed to the next step in extermination? I have noticed that the numbers of ants coming to eat the delicious poison are dwindling each day.
Also, I like ice cream WAY too much and eat it just about every night. In fact, it is sort of a family joke that my invitations to other people always somehow involve going out for ice cream.
30. michele | July 11th, 2008 at 7:58 am
ha! i too am mystified by a non ice cream liker! i have met them. confusion ensues. i have had the cake batter ice cream. also coldstone creamery and maggie moos makes some delicious batter flavor ice cream. yumo.
31. Black Hockey Jesus | July 11th, 2008 at 8:02 am
Ice cream is a refreshing summer treat.
32. houndrat | July 11th, 2008 at 8:25 am
Ice cream is divine. My weakness is Dulce de Leche by Haagen Daas–OMG, that stuff is nirvana in your mouth. And Cold Stone’s Oero Overload isn’t too shabby, either.
You know, if they can add chocolate frosting to ice cream, I bet they could infuse it with a bunch of other cool stuff. Like maggots.
Okay, so maybe Cake Batter Maggot Surprise doesn’t sound especially tempting…..
33. Kristin H | July 11th, 2008 at 9:00 am
You know, I don’t dislike ice cream, but it’s so…so…I dunno, it leaves a weird feeling in the back of my throat. Give me sherbert any day. (I’m sorry. Can we still be friends?)
Am v. pleased that I do not have a maggot story to add. I did one time dig into a salad with lettuce that my mom had gotten from the garden, only to have a green worm fall out onto my plate. O, the trauma! But I’ll take that over maggots any day.
34. Allison | July 11th, 2008 at 9:00 am
Add me to the list of ice cream LOVERS. I even worked at Dairy Queen in high school (and um, a couple of summers during college). And no, I never got sick of it! All this to say, Bruster’s has really good Cake Batter ice cream. It has a ribbon of frosting in it to but it’s BLUE and also, sprinkles. Bruster’s might just be in the south, though.
35. elise | July 11th, 2008 at 9:07 am
Oh, Trina, EWWWW. No baking of maggots. NO BAKING MAGGOTS! I mean, God-forbid anyone EVER gets maggots in their stove, but if they do – please, PLEASE don’t bake them! I just can’t even imagine.
Not even ice cream (which I love so much it’s scary) can save me from BAKED MAGGOTS, UGH.
36. winterwheat | July 11th, 2008 at 9:28 am
Termites taste like pineapple.
37. Nothing But Bonfires | July 11th, 2008 at 10:20 am
You know, someone should market this as a diet: The Wow I Was Hungry But Then Someone Talked About Maggots And Now I Am DEFINITELY NOT HUNGRY ANYMORE Diet. Maybe we should go in on this together.
Last night I had a dream that there were cockroaches all over my kitchen floor, except they were BRIGHT RED and looked like SCORPIONS, and they were jus scuttling everywhere and oh my god, it was SO AWFUL and I thought that nothing could possibly top that in terms of grossness. And then I read about MAGGOTS IN STOVES. And now I will never eat again. The diet works! Success!
38. Sara | July 11th, 2008 at 11:28 am
Let me tell you about the time that my kid brought home an easter egg from school. As we are a house of atheistic vegans its prompt dissapearance didn’t even register on my radar. Why would I, who hasn’t had an egg in her house for OVER 5 YEARS, think to look for an egg? I wouldn’t, right? Right.
Anyhow, some time later there is a horrible smell coming from the kid’s room. We keep things fairly clean, so what could possibly be causing that? – is what I think to myself. I start a heavy-duty cleaning to discover the source of the smell, and while reaching under his bookshelf THINGS start dropping onto my HAND, lots of LOTS OF THINGS. ON MY HAND. Yup, maggots. TONS of the buggers. I swallow my hysteria (have to think of the kids and what they’d do if they saw mom freaking the hell out) and clean up all the nasty maggots and disinfect his ENTIRE BEDROOM and give myself a bleach shower and finally sit on the couch to reflect. Why didn’t I find the thing that was causing all the maggots in the first place? Walking back into the kid’s bedroom, it’s there again. THE SMELL. The lightbulb inside my brain goes on and I look inside one of his “treasure boxes”, little tins that he likes to keep things in. Yeah, there was the easter egg. And a million more maggots.
39. Kathleen | July 11th, 2008 at 4:20 pm
I worked at a Starbucks once two doors down from Coldstone Creamery in a strip mall in Florida. It was staffed by high schoolers who’d stop over and buy discounted venti five-shot messes before their shifts started. Anyway, they got in the habit of bringing us ice cream in return, which is how I discovered little sprinkled pillows of heaven in a styrofoam cup — Birthday Cake Remix. OOOMFG.
But Jonna, the sprinkles were crucial. I just looked up the Ben and Jerry varietal. No sprinkles. Yeah, it’s all creamy and cake batter and icing, but where’s the rainbow remix fun in that?
Incidentally my research also took me to coldstonecreamery.com (WOW it’s an involving Web site) where I found this summer’s “line-up” of flavors. Three words: blueberry muffin batter.
40. Tessa | July 14th, 2008 at 6:46 pm
I love you, and all, Jonna, but I think you might owe me $4 for this freaking ice cream. I was so excited about your description that I went to TWO grocery stores to find it. Had a small fit on the way to the second one that maybe you had some kind of crazy Vermont hookup going on with the Ben & the Jerrys. Finally found it, took it home, and…meh. Although, I think I may have been expecting a tub of chocolate frosting with some cake batter swirled in…pms be damned. It’s ok. We can still be laundry buddies. But if we’re ever out for dinner together, you’re buying me some ice cream, fo sho.
41. Blythe | July 15th, 2008 at 12:21 am
I had to skip all the comments because there were too many maggot stories and, well, I’m still digesting my breakfast. This saddens me because I was so looking forward to learning more about the cake batter ice cream/sprinkle/frosting debate.
However you know I can’t resist a reference to The Craft, thank you for the Fairuza shout-out.
On the subject of embarrassing business names, our relocation company is called “Easy Entry.” It’s nice and international that they chose a name in English though they’re located in Germany, but I can’t be the only person who chortled and thought they should start a side business selling condoms, can I?
42. Lara | July 15th, 2008 at 1:35 pm
Rob is in Adam’s camp re ice cream, and I simply cannot fathom it. ANNOYING.
43. Amanda | July 17th, 2008 at 4:50 am
OMG. Yellow cake with chocolate frosting is my absolute favorite kind of cake. And there’s an ice cream flavor that tastes just like this?!? I don’t know how life could get better. (The Girl Scout Thin Mint Blizzard at DQ this month is gosh darn amazing, though.) Too bad the hubby and I are forcing upon ourselves exercise and healthy eating. Maybe we can cheat for one day? If so, Ben & Jerry’s here I come.
44. Heather | July 17th, 2008 at 10:46 pm
I’ve tried the Ben & Jerry’s Cake Batter and wasn’t too impressed. The Blue Bell Cake Batter ice cream however was like heaven in a pint! Throw some Hershey’s syrup and a truckload of sprinkles on top and mmmmm boy!!
45. Jonniker. » Sea Leg&hellip | August 11th, 2008 at 7:07 pm
[...] Can I just get a bit of retroactive sympathy for the fact that I was pregnant during the maggot incident? MAGGOTS. WHILE PREGNANT. AND ILL. Hold me. Or rather, hold my [...]
46. Bookmarks about Germ&hellip | February 25th, 2009 at 5:15 am
[...] – bookmarked by 4 members originally found by ICopyMylesDyer on 2009-01-29 The Devil Never Sleeps http://www.jonniker.com/?p=558 – bookmarked by 1 members originally found by tickintimebomb on [...]
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