Regret

Oh names. It appears they plague us all. Seriously, I loved reading your stories of name mispronunciation, and it makes me happy to know that when we do have a kid someday, I’m pretty much screwed no matter what he/she is called, so I’m not going to worry about it in advance. Because seriously, not even the beloved man game of The Playground Teasing Test can fully anticipate the variations kids will come up with. (Actual snippets of conversation over the years: “Marco!” “Ha! Polo!” and “You can’t name him WINSTON. That sounds like WEENIE!” and so on.) (For the record, my nephew’s name is Marco and not once has he been called out with a “Polo!” NOT ONCE. And Winston is a FINE NAME.)

Because really, who would have expected that in third grade I’d be saddled with “Jonna Marijuana”? Seriously, WHO? No one even knew what marijuana WAS. WE WERE EIGHT.

Anyway, let’s talk about weddings, shall we? Because I find that despite the fact that mine was almost five years ago AND, God willing, I’m never going to have another one, I’m always very reflective and opinionated about weddings after I attend one. For the record, the family wedding was really lovely and reasonably drama-free, save for the mild drama that I accidentally caused (IRONIC BURNING OF HELL) which is SUCH a story for another day, I promise, but today is not that day.

So, weddings. Honestly, I don’t like them. Wait, that sounds awful. I mean, I LIKE them — I do, and I get all weepy/lovey, and I always end up having a good time no matter what — but I wish they were a lot different than they are. For example, I’m not a fan of traditional wedding dresses. And I say that as a person who WORE a traditional wedding dress, so please, past and future brides, don’t hate me. It’s just that while the bride looked incredible (she did!), I sort of feel like all (traditional) wedding dresses kind of look the same, and as a result, all brides take on that homogeneous look of Random Bride. They’re all ivory/white/cream, have some variation of draping/beading/tulle and are either strapless/off-the-shoulder/spaghetti straps and they ALL KIND OF LOOK THE SAME. I feel awful saying this, but I don’t know that I could pick MY wedding dress out of a lineup from more than five feet away. Also, I threw it away in March. Apparently am not sentimental.

And further, wedding dresses are not the most flattering dress for a person! No! I don’t think they are! They’re WHITE, for starters, and a lot of us — even we olive-skinned folks — don’t look good in white-ish! And it’s NOT SLIMMING. And they’re all bustle-y and poofy and … well, generally very big-body-making, and not always in the best way. I don’t know what I would have preferred, but I wish I’d opened it up for more OPTIONS. Like maybe a pair of jeans and a T-shirt. Well, maybe not THAT casual, but not a wedding dress, certainly. I do distinctly remember wanting to wear a tea-length pale pink dress, and put my wedding party in cream, but alas, I never found the perfect pink dress, and no one supported my plan.

As if THAT weren’t enough curmudgeon, I wish there were more casual wedding venues available. I wanted to get married in a barn, which fine, might not have been a great idea in August, I’ll grant you that (although it turned to be a cool 70 degrees that day). However, it would have suited my personality more, but there was no AC, and Adam was adamantly against it.

I didn’t WANT fancy, but I wanted a venue that could house 125 people comfortably, and THOSE VENUES ARE MOSTLY FANCY. Fancy enough to want to serve things like crispy pork belly with a bourbon vanilla gastrique — a menu that does not, I’m sorry, translate to more than five people (have obvs seen too much Top Chef). That amount of people means that they really should be serving something like meatball subs and pigs in blankets. (Secret: I LOVE pigs in blankets. I don’t care how lame they are. They were also the first app to go on Saturday. I AM NOT ALONE.)

I mean, most people can’t AFFORD an outstanding meal featuring perfectly cooked langoustine and Vietnamese-style hamachi with a fois gras chaser for 125, therefore I wish there were more options available for us who would not even like to TRY, rather than half-ass a giant wedding menu with those godawful silver plate covers. I would like to have served gourmet pizzas, or maybe some lobster rolls. It’s HARD to screw up pizza, and there are so many ways to do it! You CAN have semi-fancy pizza! And most people like it! And you can do it all casual-like, making the cocktail hour (the most fun at the wedding, IMO) go on FOR THE WHOLE WEDDING.

Instead, I think I had ho-hum chicken piccata and filet mignon, sit-down style. Fleh.

I think what I’m saying is that if I had to do it over again, I’d have a casual wedding at a comfortable, yet slightly upscale environment, sans wedding dress. And I recall TRYING to have that wedding, and you know what sucks? It turned out to be almost TWICE AS MUCH as the (already very expensive) wedding I ended up throwing with the chicken piccata. There was talk of a CLAM BAKE. A CLAM BAKE THAT COST LIKE $25,000 FOR 100 PEOPLE BEFORE YOU EVEN FACTORED IN THE SILVERWARE. OR A VENUE. OR PLATES. I DO NOT EVEN THINK IT INCLUDED CONTAINERS FOR THE FOOD. WE WOULD HAVE TO EAT IT OUT OF THE BACK OF A TRUCK IN A PARKING LOT WITH OUR HANDS.

Clearly I’m still bitter about this.

And uh, now that I’ve turned this into a bitter rant that I never got the redneck barbecue wedding of my dreams and instead was FORCED AT GUNPOINT to have a fancy afternoon wedding in a real dress, tell me: if you made it this far (and God bless you), what kind of wedding did you have? Any regrets? And if you’re not married, but would like to get married or just feel like fantasizing about weddings for no good reason at all than to amuse me, what kind of wedding would you like?

Happy Monday!

*New Order

68 comments July 20th, 2008