July 23rd, 2008

I didn’t think it was possible, but I’ve lost my enthusiasm for Charmed. I realized things had gotten out of control sometime last week when I was reluctantly setting aside time to have it on in the background, like it was some kind of chore. And nothing involving Alyssa Milano’s midriff should be a chore.

By the way, if we’re pretending there was no nice family or fun wedding this past weekend, the rest of our experience was actually pretty painful. My God, we could not have chosen a worse hotel, which was completely taken over by the Wilson Family Reunion. This meant that not only were the Wilsons all wearing matching sun-yellow T-shirts with their deceased ancestor creepily emblazoned on the back, but they decided that since there were so many of them, that they were free to use the entire hotel for their own purposes, including a raucous game of Monopoly in the hallway right outside our door. Let me tell you, nothing is worse than hearing screams of “I GOT BOARDWALK, SUCKAH!” at 1 a.m. when Jesus knows, you’d rather be sleeping. Also, why the door slamming? Can no one shut anything GENTLY?

(Side note: The entire Wilson family then proceeded to rise at 6 a.m. in preparation for the bus that was taking all 150 of them to Sesame Place. Wilson family, do you ever fucking SLEEP?)

(PS, I don’t like you Wilson family! I don’t! You are A LOUD, LOUD PEOPLE.)

This unfortunate hotel choice came about, by the way, because we had to bring the dog, as we have to everywhere these days. We just haven’t found a reliable sitter for her, because I’m a giant softy who refuses to put her in a kennel where she’s either a) alone all day in a rubber-lined run in the blazing heat; or b) in a cage, oh dear lord, at the vet’s office, and only gets out to pee on some kind of schedule. Add it to the list of things I miss about Florida: plenty of reliable dog sitters specializing in small dogs who regularly wear tennis skirts and are named things like Princess Crystal Amoure. My needy little pug is low maintenance compared to a dog that eats off of crystal dishes and requires a fresh grosgrain bow every morning.

Hotel misery aside, I’ve got to tell you, I surprised myself by realizing that while I like it here — I do — I don’t want to stay in this particular town long-term. It’s just too small, I’m sorry it’s TOO SMALL. And I miss shopping — I was in the Franklin Mills Mall for all of five minutes and realized that normal people have access to malls and convenience stores and don’t have to travel an hour and a half to buy a MICROWAVE.

It’s not that I am a giant consumerist, it’s that it’s SO FRUSTRATING not to have anywhere to just go and get something without it being a giant hassle. I miss Starbucks. I miss having somewhere to work other than a) my house; b) the library (NEVER AGAIN); or c) the same coffee shop full of the same damn people, because like, oh my God, I saw that lady yesterday and she was yelling at her husband and now it’s awkward, and I have to pretend I didn’t see it, and wait, why is she wearing winter boots in July?

So! If things continue to go well here, when our lease is up in March, we’re likely moving closer to the big city. Also, I have to tell you, while I love freelancing, I miss the option of HAVING a real job if I wanted one, and for reasons unknown it all makes me feel a bit desperate and panicky.

I am not cut out for hardcore country living. This makes me feel like a failure in some way, but I’ll admit it, I can’t hack it. Give me Target (or a reasonable facsimile) or give me death, I’m sorry.

So! Living in the country = FAIL. Putting down roots in new small town = FAIL. Realizing that this is precisely why I may never buy a house again, even after the one I already own sells = RELATIVE SUCCESS.

And finally, I’m hoping someone can tell me why, for the love of God, I can’t eat a piece of bread or a granola bar or anything producing crumbs without ending up with said crumbs in my bra, leaving me with itchy, crumb-y boobs that are as bad, if not worse, than the post-haircut hairy boobs. And by hairy boobs, I mean full of hair cut from my head, not Yeti-like nipples.

Happy Thursday!

*Sara Bareilles

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25 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Carolyn J.  |  July 23rd, 2008 at 7:21 pm

    Tradeya! I’m trying to move out of the city. OK how about less in the city? Nearby but not in. On the city’s halo. The most expensive part. *sigh*

  • 2. jonniker  |  July 23rd, 2008 at 7:24 pm

    Carolyn: I’ll take the city’s halo! I’m not moving to the city proper, but I’m moving somewhere that doesn’t require a day’s travel for new socks. I would never move IN a city again. No no. I’m with you there.

  • 3. Harvest  |  July 23rd, 2008 at 7:35 pm

    I know many people thrive on small-town life (god bless you) but it makes me want to bludgeon myself with a fork. All hail target.

    Anyway, I’m sorry if this sounds stalkerish, but I’m supposed to be studying, so instead I was reading your archives (which are great) and suddenly realized that the relatively small south Florida town where you used to live is very likely the one I moved from about a year ago, and even that place was small enough to drive me slowly insane. So there.

    Anyway, I think you’re a good sport for giving small town life a shot.

  • 4. Corinne  |  July 23rd, 2008 at 7:40 pm

    I was going to ask if there’s a cage-free boarding place for Sunny, but then I remembered you live in the country. Because I would drag my dog everywhere if I didn’t have that option. That is why I love the city, and one more reason for you to move closer to one.

  • 5. slynnro  |  July 23rd, 2008 at 8:40 pm

    I used to live in a town of 1200. One hour from a major city (San Antonio). I know your pain. You don’t have to be strong. It’s okay.

  • 6. Camels & Chocolate  |  July 23rd, 2008 at 8:44 pm

    Um, I just smuggled in cake to a showing of Dark Knight (who smuggles in cake to a movie theater, I ask you???), and after removing my hoodie once I got home, half the cake fell out from my non-bra-supported bosoms (what can I say, I’m a rebel).

    Also, it seems like I have to will myself to turn on pretty much all TV these days just to use it as background noise, too. What is up with that?

    I don’t think I could live in the country either. When my bf suggested moving from SF to Sacramento, the state CAPITAL, I freaked out at the mere thought.

  • 7. Swistle  |  July 23rd, 2008 at 8:47 pm

    Sharing hotel with Wilson family = FAIL. My worst hotel experience: sharing hotel with some sort of teenager convention. Oh the SQUEALING IN THE HALLWAYS!

    Moving nearer a Target seems like a really, really good idea.

    Oh, also. Our best pet sitters EVAR were when two of the vet nurses freelanced as pet sitters. They came by twice a day and stayed for, like, half an hour to an hour each time. And that was for the CATS! Who really didn’t miss us as long as there was food! But if your vet has a boarding option, they probably don’t have Awesome Freelancing Vet Nurses.

  • 8. ali  |  July 24th, 2008 at 5:33 am

    it’s possible to know exactly what i’ve eaten all day by just peering into the contents of my bra at night. sad, really…

  • 9. Jess  |  July 24th, 2008 at 5:49 am

    I live IN a major city and I still can’t deal with the fact that I have to take the Metro OUT TO THE SUBURBS to go to Target. I can’t imagine how pissy I would be if I didn’t have that option.

    Actually! There’s now a Target IN DC. It’s new! It’s shiny! t’s a miracle!

  • 10. Sadie  |  July 24th, 2008 at 5:52 am

    Bra crumbs, ah yes. I know them well. I usually fish them out immediately, though, sort of a post-snack “sweep,” to prevent the itching (or the chocolate chips from melting). (What? I like chocolate chip granola bars.)

    Also, feel no shame or failure over your need for more convenience where you live. Country life is nice for people who’ve truly never known anything else, but once you have become acquainted with things like “5-minute-ride-to-modern-grocery-store” and Target and “not knowing every damn person in every damn place you go,” you really can’t be satisfied with anything else. It’s not your fault. It’s called progress. 😉

  • 11. Jen E  |  July 24th, 2008 at 6:31 am

    Your blog posts always seem to leave me sputtering in laughter. I’ll be trying to explain this to my husband later, and likely end up snickering and gasping and saying things like “yeti nipples” and “wilson family reunion” in between explosions of laughter, which will leave dh certainly confused and concerned…

  • 12. Regina  |  July 24th, 2008 at 7:42 am

    I’ll watch Sunny for you any time, I’m sure my cats would love a new toy hehe. As for failure, nah no failure just not your thing. I’ve lived both city and country i actually like both. i hear ya on the whole not buying again, as much as i would love to buy/build i can never stay put in 1 place for more than 2 years and i know i am not done yet, there are still too many places i want to experience. And i do love it it here and so far could care less about target (or equivalent), i know sacrilege! but I have always been that way its nice to have but i really don’t miss it when its gone. There are other things i miss and we shall see how badly soon enough.

  • 13. Jamie  |  July 24th, 2008 at 8:36 am

    Grosgrain is on my top 10 list of favorite words. I just love it. I also love the ribbon itself, all neat, orderly, and lined so perfectly.

    Note to self: get a damn life.

  • 14. diane  |  July 24th, 2008 at 8:40 am

    Buy why the Charmed Boredom? Has its campy deliciousness gotten odd?

  • 15. diane  |  July 24th, 2008 at 8:42 am

    I meant to say “old”, not “odd”!

  • 16. Jakki  |  July 24th, 2008 at 8:47 am

    LOL country living does take some getting used too.We grew up in a small enough town where for us to get fast food, we had drive 25 miles for it…Not so much fast food…

    My thing isnt the crumbs. It my inability to wear a white shirt and NOT get anything on. No matter how much I threaten bodily harm to my self…by the end of the day, my shirt will look like I still have not mastered the art of using utensils.

  • 17. Kristin H  |  July 24th, 2008 at 9:06 am

    Handy tip: if you end up nursing your baby, the crumbs end up on the baby’s head, where they can conveniently be licked off.

    Um, or so I hear.

  • 18. H  |  July 24th, 2008 at 10:15 am

    I grew up in a small town and tired of it (the gossip, the rumors, everyone in your business) and I now live in a smallish city where I have two Targets within 7 minutes (either direction) but the country is not far away at all. We own a lake cabin for those times when we want to enjoy nature and get away from it all. As much as I think it would have been good to raise kids in the country, I love the opportunities they have here and I enjoy the convenience of not having to drive more than 15 minutes to get to anything. So, I hear you on the small town and you’re not a failure, it isn’t for everyone.

  • 19. Jess  |  July 24th, 2008 at 12:48 pm

    When my husband and I move our requirement is to live in a city with a Target. That’s it. Small towns are best to visit, but not to live in!

  • 20. lizgwiz  |  July 24th, 2008 at 1:05 pm

    You’re going to get lots of search hits now for “hairy boobs.” Which I happen to know from personal experience, having used that expression on my own blog. 😉

  • 21. Kristabella  |  July 24th, 2008 at 4:33 pm

    I grew up in the suburbs, but never really thought I was a City Girl. Yeah, I loved big cities and I can easily find my way around and they don’t freak me out, but I was never all “HAVE TO LIVE IN CITY.” But now that I’ve spent my entire life in a city or suburb, I realize I could never live that far from stores, restaurants and coffee shops ever.

  • 22. anne  |  July 24th, 2008 at 6:03 pm

    I have a general sense of where you might be in Vermont, having spent a lot of time there and YOU SHOULD NOT APOLOGIZE. Move, move. This isn’t just some small town – this is like middle of nowhere and just you and the cows. Definitely do not have guilt.

  • 23. Mauigirl  |  July 27th, 2008 at 7:11 pm

    We’re about to hopefully buy (putting in an offer this week) a little place in the Adirondacks on 6 acres in the middle of the woods. However, it’s for weekends/vacations (for now) and better yet there are stores about 20 minutes away. But I will heed your experience before I make any hasty decisions about moving there permanently!

    Hope you find the perfect location when you move on!

  • 24. Amanda  |  July 29th, 2008 at 5:05 am

    Oh, door slamming. You landed on one of my biggest pet peeves. It brings flashbacks of living in the dorm when everyone would just walk into their rooms and let the door SLAM. Every. time. Why? Did your mom not teach you to not slam doors? It’s rude and disruptive! And yes, hotels are like dorms in that way. Spring-loaded doors that can’t be left open. I understand that’s important in a communal place like hotels and dorms. But PLEASE people realize that others are trying to sleep as you slam your door several times while coming back to your room in the middle of the night, and oops forgot the ice, and oh, need one more pop – slam, slam, slam.

  • 25. Eric&hellip  |  November 19th, 2008 at 3:46 am

    Pug Showing…

    Nifty is the word I would use to describe this….

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