Merry Happy

Through a series of truly unfortunate events, I wound up with dog poop on not one, but BOTH of my boobs today — a fact I realized during dinner, of all inappropriate places.

(Actual query from Adam: “Damn, you have a lot of dog hair on your chest. And is that … is that puke?” Uh, no, not puke. Even better! DOG FECES.)

Without going into a bunch of unnecessary detail, Sunny’s back to having a few butt-related issues, resulting in me having to occasionally (oh my God) wipe her bum after she poops, usually with a nearby maple leaf, as I’m sorry, I’m not about to waste my preshus Cottonelle with Aloe & E on someone who won’t appreciate it, especially someone who’s idea of good hygiene is scraping her ass along a grassy knoll. I’m can only assume the transfer occurred during an exceptionally vigorous leaf-wiping.

During this same walk, by the way, not only did I get caught in a thunderstorm and get leaped on by two Airedale terriers the size of horses, but I stepped in a pile of Large Mammal Poop (cow? horse? ox? IN COUNTRY. WHO KNOWS.) the circumference of a DINNER PLATE, which leads me to wonder if I am either blind or lacking any sense of the world around me at all.

And this was BEFORE I thought I’d take a break from my eye-pokingly busy day by paying some bills. Yes, BILLS. The break that relaxes and soothes! Who doesn’t enjoy taking a nice stress-free moment to empty one’s checking account to exciting corporations like Wells Fargo, American Strategic Insurance and, my personal favorite, Sallie Mae?

Please, someone smack my three o’clock self right in the fucking FACE, preferably with an ice mallet.

Anyway! On to brighter things! Like centipedes! Wait, what? Okay, look, I know centipedes aren’t bright! happy! topics! but MAN, I’ve been vacuuming up a few too many house centipede corpses and MAN, I’m really not pleased about it like, at all. I have yet to see a live one, but the bodies are haunting me, leaving me to wonder if there isn’t a larger, more treacherous centipede killer out there, perhaps the size of an R.O.U.S.

(OMG, what if it’s an R.O.U.S.?)

Also, don’t click that link if you’re anything like me and think that the bugs are going to come to life like a freaky Ben Stiller movie and suck your brains out. Not that I actually believe that or anything (OMG BUG PICTURES).

Well. I should go, before I launch off onto yet another diatribe about how I’m afraid my arms are becoming BEEFY and I can’t seem to solve the problem and I’m actually afraid if this keeps up, I’m going to look like a butchier version of Rosie the Riveter.

AM WELL OF POSITIVITY.

(Actually, am better than I sound and I’m sorry for laying it all on you, but MAN, this was cathartic.)

Have a great weekend! We’re meeting friends for dinner that we haven’t seen in at least five years and their “new” baby, who is probably no longer a baby and is, in fact, applying to Harvard, because that’s how LONG IT’S BEEN.

*Kate Nash

26 comments July 24th, 2008