Merry Happy
July 24th, 2008
Through a series of truly unfortunate events, I wound up with dog poop on not one, but BOTH of my boobs today — a fact I realized during dinner, of all inappropriate places.
(Actual query from Adam: “Damn, you have a lot of dog hair on your chest. And is that … is that puke?” Uh, no, not puke. Even better! DOG FECES.)
Without going into a bunch of unnecessary detail, Sunny’s back to having a few butt-related issues, resulting in me having to occasionally (oh my God) wipe her bum after she poops, usually with a nearby maple leaf, as I’m sorry, I’m not about to waste my preshus Cottonelle with Aloe & E on someone who won’t appreciate it, especially someone who’s idea of good hygiene is scraping her ass along a grassy knoll. I’m can only assume the transfer occurred during an exceptionally vigorous leaf-wiping.
During this same walk, by the way, not only did I get caught in a thunderstorm and get leaped on by two Airedale terriers the size of horses, but I stepped in a pile of Large Mammal Poop (cow? horse? ox? IN COUNTRY. WHO KNOWS.) the circumference of a DINNER PLATE, which leads me to wonder if I am either blind or lacking any sense of the world around me at all.
And this was BEFORE I thought I’d take a break from my eye-pokingly busy day by paying some bills. Yes, BILLS. The break that relaxes and soothes! Who doesn’t enjoy taking a nice stress-free moment to empty one’s checking account to exciting corporations like Wells Fargo, American Strategic Insurance and, my personal favorite, Sallie Mae?
Please, someone smack my three o’clock self right in the fucking FACE, preferably with an ice mallet.
Anyway! On to brighter things! Like centipedes! Wait, what? Okay, look, I know centipedes aren’t bright! happy! topics! but MAN, I’ve been vacuuming up a few too many house centipede corpses and MAN, I’m really not pleased about it like, at all. I have yet to see a live one, but the bodies are haunting me, leaving me to wonder if there isn’t a larger, more treacherous centipede killer out there, perhaps the size of an R.O.U.S.
(OMG, what if it’s an R.O.U.S.?)
Also, don’t click that link if you’re anything like me and think that the bugs are going to come to life like a freaky Ben Stiller movie and suck your brains out. Not that I actually believe that or anything (OMG BUG PICTURES).
Well. I should go, before I launch off onto yet another diatribe about how I’m afraid my arms are becoming BEEFY and I can’t seem to solve the problem and I’m actually afraid if this keeps up, I’m going to look like a butchier version of Rosie the Riveter.
AM WELL OF POSITIVITY.
(Actually, am better than I sound and I’m sorry for laying it all on you, but MAN, this was cathartic.)
Have a great weekend! We’re meeting friends for dinner that we haven’t seen in at least five years and their “new” baby, who is probably no longer a baby and is, in fact, applying to Harvard, because that’s how LONG IT’S BEEN.
*Kate Nash
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
33 Comments Add your own
1. She Likes Purple | July 24th, 2008 at 7:25 pm
We have house centipedes! I didn’t know what they were until clicking on your link so I’m kind of excited for the help in identifying those freaky little bastards. And all of mine have been alive. Yuck.
2. Leaf, probably... | July 24th, 2008 at 7:47 pm
*Shudder* bugs! Ick! I have house spiders. So far they’re just daddy long legs, but the second I see a more scary one I’m going to move to a cruise ship leaving all my belongings behind to the spider invasion.
3. ali | July 24th, 2008 at 7:48 pm
Rodents Of Unusual Size? I don’t think they exist.
hahahah
4. Kristabella | July 24th, 2008 at 7:59 pm
I went to school with a guy whose last name was Rous. When he screwed over a friend of mine, we started referring to him as a Rodent Of Unusal Size.
5. Anne L. | July 24th, 2008 at 8:00 pm
Oh. I HAD to click the link. NO SLEEP TONIGHT.
6. Elizabeth | July 24th, 2008 at 9:08 pm
Oh, I HATE that bitch Sallie Mae. She takes all of my money too.
7. Mary O | July 24th, 2008 at 9:30 pm
What a poop-filled post! You know, when I got my dog a year and a half ago, I didn’t know that butt-wiping was part of the deal. I have since learned otherwise.
Thank God I resisted clicking that link. Does not sound pretty.
8. elise | July 25th, 2008 at 4:56 am
No one can complain and make it as funny and endearing as you. Leftover dog poop on the boobs? Stepping in some unidentified pile of poop? PAYING BILLS?? Yeek. And yet, you made me giggle, all the same.
9. TwoBusy | July 25th, 2008 at 5:52 am
There are house centipedes in my office building, and as jarring as it is to look up from your computer screen to see a 3″ thousand-legged monster (1-2″ my ass, wikipedia) crawling up your wall, nothing beats the moment last week when one fell out of a ceiling tile and directly into the (empty) coffee cup of one of my colleagues.
Oh. My. God.
10. Jamie | July 25th, 2008 at 6:43 am
I don’t know who Sallie Mae is, but she sure sounds like a whore.
That said, “Treacherous Centipede Killers” would be an awesome name for a band.
11. velocibadgergirl | July 25th, 2008 at 8:25 am
I thought it was bad that I sometimes get dog poop on my hands because I drag the hose through it inadvertently during the winding-up process. Dog poop on your boobs? YOU SO WIN.
I don’t know about ROUS-es killing house centipedes (SHUDDER), but the dining room of our old apartment was like a roly poly killing field, so sometimes, I think these things just happen.
12. Sadie | July 25th, 2008 at 8:37 am
I’m starting to think I have a magical dog because I am a clean freak like you read about (I wipe HIS PAWS off when it rains before he can walk in the kitchen), and yet I have never once in three years had to wipe his ass. You know what this means, don’t you? It means today I am going to get home, and there is going to have been an assplosion of epic proportions.
Also, beefy arms! Rosie the Riveter! HA! *checks upper arm girth nervously*
13. Suebob | July 25th, 2008 at 9:02 am
I understand where velocibadgergirl is coming from because Goldie loves to poop ON the hose if I leave it out. Big yard…ON the hose. Thanks, dear dog, love of my life. Appreciate it.
14. Artemisia | July 25th, 2008 at 9:21 am
OMG!!!!! I DID click on the bug pictures and I am shivering from fright.
THAT WAS THE FREAKY THING I FOUND IN MY LAST APARTMENT, DANGLING ABOVE MY HEAD ON THE CEILING.
SWEET JESUS.
Maybe I should give the caps a rest. At tad MELODRAMATIC, eh?
I can’t get rid of the heebie jeebies. Ack!
So, um, thanks. You helped clear up that mystery.
15. Lori | July 25th, 2008 at 11:21 am
Do you know how many times I’ve gone after a rogue dust-bunny, only to discover it’s a centipede? And I’ve always been thisclose to picking it up with my BARE HANDS before I’ve discovered the fact. Then I scream and go running for something to smash it with. After I slam something (anything!) onto the creature, I scream again when I see all the random legs still thrashing around it’s squished body.
16. Angella | July 25th, 2008 at 11:44 am
I am NOT clicking on the link. I am still scarred my that nasty tomato work we found last year.
17. Heather B. | July 25th, 2008 at 2:53 pm
I’m officially against having a dog. Which means that my pet choices are down to fish because they won’t shit in random places. This also precludes me from ever having children but I think I’m ok with that right now.
18. Shana | July 25th, 2008 at 3:23 pm
Change your nomenclature from “beefy” to “buff ‘n’ stuff.” It’s even fun to say!
19. Camels & Chocolate | July 26th, 2008 at 9:13 am
Um, I’d always thought R.O.U.S.s didn’t exist until I was hiking in Canada last week and THIS scampered across my path:
http://flickr.com/photos/kristinluna/2695974209/
For reference sake, it was about the size of a six-month-old golden retriever and I really thought it was a funny-looking beaver…until I showed a Canuck and he said it was an ALPINE MARMOT. Gross.
20. mar | July 26th, 2008 at 4:26 pm
we’re back to the considering a puppy/dog stage. akita. your posts always seem to come fortuitously timed. i’ve been listing off all the cons, just in case bf is completely oblivious (expense! shedding more than i do! 10+ year commitment! training! expense! etc!)
house centipedes *shudder* when i moved to iowa for grad school 7 years ago i came across one in my bedroom at 3am while studying & i had at least a 20 minute staredown with it while holding a shoe over my head. i have issue with squishing bugs (it’s the crunch they make! aagh!) and d@mn those creepy things are fast! ick!
21. CharlieSue | July 27th, 2008 at 6:44 am
So, the first time I ever saw one of those house centipedes, I was just back from ten days in China and dying for a nice hand washing when THAT ASSHOLE WAS LOUNGING IN THE DRAIN. And started flailing all its many arms and I DIED.
The end.
22. Kristin H | July 28th, 2008 at 4:38 am
Oh my word, house centipedes. When my first child was about a week old, I was sitting on the floor in the middle of the night nursing her with a dim lamp on beside me when I blearily noticed one of those f-ers racing right toward me. Like it was envisioning a nice meal of mama and chlid. I managed to leap to my feet without dropping the baby but OMG, the freak out that ensued! I was practically hysterical. Happily, I smashed that sucker to smithereens with a plastic box of wipes.
23. houndrat | July 28th, 2008 at 7:41 pm
I love Kate Nash—perhaps the best all-time line in a song is :
“You said I must eat so many lemons
‘Cause I am so bitter
I said, “I’d rather be with your friends, mate,
‘Cause they are much fitter.”
I don’t know why, but that part just kills me every time…….
24. Ang | July 31st, 2008 at 5:15 pm
We had those darn centipedes at our last house – and the big ones were at least 4 inches long – like a mouse running across the room. We used to “give them a German lesson” – squashed them with a college German textbook. Blech!
25. Danielle-lee | August 1st, 2008 at 7:51 pm
My arms have become more chunky monkey lately too. So annoying.
Bugs? Please don’t get me started on bugs. I’ve been dealing with the total onslaught of fucking bugs for months now-centipedes, scorpions, black widows, wolf spiders, mosquitoes….you name it, i’ve vaccummed, stomped on, or screamed about it.
I laughed my ass off about wiping your dog’s ass. I totally had to PULL SOMETHING OUT OF MY DOG’S ASS once. She was walking around with a fucking string hangling out of her ass. Please don’t make me tell you what the string was from. Ugh.
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