All Mixed Up

I have a funny feeling that this outs me as a closet prude, but I nearly fainted at the sight of VIBRATORS in the regular shelves of my local Rite Aid, just sitting there next to the pregnancy tests and ovulation kits. I mean, I’m all for whatever floats your boat, obviously (particularly during the time of Duty Sex), but I’ve never seen them just casually resting there, all sex-toy like in a small-town drugstore. And they’re the PINK kind with the … well, with the thing that can only be described as a HEAD. What it boils down to is that I don’t think I could buy a vibrator from the same man who knows my name and regularly fills my Synthroid prescription. I’d prefer to do that kind of shopping in a store where everyone’s there for the same thing and is likely a LOT kinkier than me, you know?

Oh hi! I’m a PRUDE.

In other news, the vacation reading has been purchased, and there isn’t a single thing of substance in the whole pile. I finally succumbed to peer pressure and nabbed the entire Twilight series, which I’m sincerely hoping gets better than the first two pages, which are so poorly written, I sort of want to stab Stephanie Meyer in the face. But! I’m told it gets more compelling — so much so that I won’t even notice that it appears to be written by a second-grader. Uh, right?

I also picked up the first two books in Diana Gabaldon’s Outlander series, at the recommendation of a lot of you, along with the whole Philip Pullman His Dark Materials series, a Sophie Kinsella (shut up) and the latest Kristin Gore. Let’s just say that it’s obvious that I don’t plan on THINKING much this vacation. I might as well throw in a Danielle Steele to ensure maximum brain leakage, and maybe a Jackie Collins.

Speaking of vacation, I ran out to pick up a second bathing suit at lunch — at my only option, your friend and mine, TJ Maxx — and once again, my Darwinian failings reared their ugly head when I opted to try on some suits immediately after stuffing a cupcake in my gaping maw. Cupcake belly = not flattering, unless you’re planning on buying a Spandex muumuu, and even then, it had better be of the Miracle Suit variety, preferably with steel reinforcements. For the record, I ended up buying something with an ungodly amount of ruching, in a thinly veiled attempt to distract and interest passers-by with my creative abdominal draping! Unfortunately, a full-body ruch is unavailable at this time.

Also, please note that this did not stop me from eating a lone McDonald’s cheeseburger for dinner, enjoyed in bed with a book. Adam is traveling, stranded in JFK for the foreseeable future (oh, happy husband!) and apparently I’ve let all healthy habits go to shit, aside from the four pounds of cherries consumed for lunch. Or … breakfast. Or something. I don’t know, I’ve been waking up at 4:30 or 5 a.m. FOR THE DAY lately, and the meals all blend together after a while. And yes, regularly waking up pre-dawn for NO REASON AT ALL is awesome, thank you for asking!

In other sexytime news, I got my eyebrows waxed yesterday and had a … unfortunate reaction, you could say, in the form of a monobrow-like breakout. I’m hopeful it’s a one-time issue that will clear up by the weekend, but man, I sure do miss my old waxer with her hard-wax magic, sans those awful strips that actually cause (oh my God) BRUISING in my special lady area (TM Emily) after a bikini wax.

Happy weekend to you! It’s my fifth anniversary on Saturday. FIVE. YEARS. Oh my God, I can hardly believe it. Jaysus, time flies.

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36 comments July 31st, 2008