All Mixed Up
July 31st, 2008
I have a funny feeling that this outs me as a closet prude, but I nearly fainted at the sight of VIBRATORS in the regular shelves of my local Rite Aid, just sitting there next to the pregnancy tests and ovulation kits. I mean, I’m all for whatever floats your boat, obviously (particularly during the time of Duty Sex), but I’ve never seen them just casually resting there, all sex-toy like in a small-town drugstore. And they’re the PINK kind with the … well, with the thing that can only be described as a HEAD. What it boils down to is that I don’t think I could buy a vibrator from the same man who knows my name and regularly fills my Synthroid prescription. I’d prefer to do that kind of shopping in a store where everyone’s there for the same thing and is likely a LOT kinkier than me, you know?
Oh hi! I’m a PRUDE.
In other news, the vacation reading has been purchased, and there isn’t a single thing of substance in the whole pile. I finally succumbed to peer pressure and nabbed the entire Twilight series, which I’m sincerely hoping gets better than the first two pages, which are so poorly written, I sort of want to stab Stephanie Meyer in the face. But! I’m told it gets more compelling — so much so that I won’t even notice that it appears to be written by a second-grader. Uh, right?
I also picked up the first two books in Diana Gabaldon’s Outlander series, at the recommendation of a lot of you, along with the whole Philip Pullman His Dark Materials series, a Sophie Kinsella (shut up) and the latest Kristin Gore. Let’s just say that it’s obvious that I don’t plan on THINKING much this vacation. I might as well throw in a Danielle Steele to ensure maximum brain leakage, and maybe a Jackie Collins.
Speaking of vacation, I ran out to pick up a second bathing suit at lunch — at my only option, your friend and mine, TJ Maxx — and once again, my Darwinian failings reared their ugly head when I opted to try on some suits immediately after stuffing a cupcake in my gaping maw. Cupcake belly = not flattering, unless you’re planning on buying a Spandex muumuu, and even then, it had better be of the Miracle Suit variety, preferably with steel reinforcements. For the record, I ended up buying something with an ungodly amount of ruching, in a thinly veiled attempt to distract and interest passers-by with my creative abdominal draping! Unfortunately, a full-body ruch is unavailable at this time.
Also, please note that this did not stop me from eating a lone McDonald’s cheeseburger for dinner, enjoyed in bed with a book. Adam is traveling, stranded in JFK for the foreseeable future (oh, happy husband!) and apparently I’ve let all healthy habits go to shit, aside from the four pounds of cherries consumed for lunch. Or … breakfast. Or something. I don’t know, I’ve been waking up at 4:30 or 5 a.m. FOR THE DAY lately, and the meals all blend together after a while. And yes, regularly waking up pre-dawn for NO REASON AT ALL is awesome, thank you for asking!
In other sexytime news, I got my eyebrows waxed yesterday and had a … unfortunate reaction, you could say, in the form of a monobrow-like breakout. I’m hopeful it’s a one-time issue that will clear up by the weekend, but man, I sure do miss my old waxer with her hard-wax magic, sans those awful strips that actually cause (oh my God) BRUISING in my special lady area (TM Emily) after a bikini wax.
Happy weekend to you! It’s my fifth anniversary on Saturday. FIVE. YEARS. Oh my God, I can hardly believe it. Jaysus, time flies.
*311
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
36 Comments Add your own
1. Janssen | July 31st, 2008 at 5:44 pm
Twilight and Company never become really good writing, but the first pages are for sure the worst (I read recently that when she submitted a proposal, they asked for the first few chapters and I was SHOCKED that those chapters got the book published, let alone with a $750,000 three-book deal). I too read about three pages and thought “hmm, who KNOWS what the big to-do is about” and then got harassed by friends about “how’s Edward?!?!?!?!” and I had to admit that, well, I hadn’t even MET Edward yet because I’d read four pages and put it in the backseat of my car to be forgotten.
All of which is to say, it gets better.
2. anne | July 31st, 2008 at 5:48 pm
Happy Anniversary.
Consolation – I am home alone and ate brownies for dinner. Somewhat of a more girl-y single dinner, but no less fattening.
3. Jennifer | July 31st, 2008 at 6:28 pm
Twilight is AWFUL. The writing is sloppy and the plot is so very weak. I cannot believe anyone published it much less that it sits on any bestseller list. AWFUL.
4. velocibadgergirl | July 31st, 2008 at 7:49 pm
1. Happy anniversary! My 4th is next Thursday, and I feel like it’s just flown by, too.
2. Let me know what you think of the Twilight books. EVERYBODY on this book board I frequent is squeeing over them and I am just not sure.
3. I loved the Outlander books and the Dark Materials trilogy. LOVED. I hope you like them, too!
4. Have a fabulous vacation!
5. slynnro | July 31st, 2008 at 8:05 pm
Dude. They sell vibrators at your pharmacy? WTF?
6. Suebob | July 31st, 2008 at 8:19 pm
I was appalled at the Gabaldon book (I only got about 50 pages in) – my feminist hackles were raised but let me know how it goes for you.
I found the Dark Materials strangely unaffecting. I actually got through 2 2/3 of them before quitting. I could just not make myself care enough to find out what happened in the end. Hated the first movie, too.
Good luck!
7. mar | July 31st, 2008 at 8:25 pm
yeah, just sped through twilight, but i dread reading the 2nd one. it was such a quick read & not so great as all the gushing led me to believe.
i greatly enjoyed the outlander series, but i also read it/started it when i was about 17 or 18, so i don’t think i got as upset as suebob, especially since it was a 1940s woman, so perhaps the feminist aspect wasn’t supposed to be quite so deep? i mean, claire is pretty submissive to jaime, but she’s a 20th century woman in 18th century.
and i would quake a bit at vibrators on ‘regular’ store shelves.
8. H | July 31st, 2008 at 8:30 pm
Happy Anniversary! Before you know it, 15 more years will have passed. Does time pass more quickly as we age? I swear, this summer feels like it has been 7 days long. I can’t believe it is August already.
9. houndrat | July 31st, 2008 at 8:32 pm
I also read the Outlander books long ago, but I don’t really recall any hugely feminist hackle- raisng episodes at the time. Maybe I’ll have to take another gander soon.
I’m going to have to pick up Twilight now, just to see where I fall. Buffy the Vampire Slayer was my hands down favorite TV series of all time, but I’ve never really found a vampire book that I’ve enjoyed.
10. erin | July 31st, 2008 at 9:16 pm
I didn[t find Claire to be submissive to Jamie at all in the Outlander series. They are some of my favourite books so I hope you enjoy them!
11. ms picket to you | July 31st, 2008 at 9:17 pm
I Was Told There’d Be Cake is for you. And seriosuly? No fries with that shake burger?
12. Jeanne | August 1st, 2008 at 5:09 am
I just finished reading the Twilight series (in time for the 4th book which comes out tomorrow). One of my co-workers kind of forced the books on the rest of us (which is usually the kiss of death in my opinion) but I actually liked them. I tried to time it so that I could finish the third book and roll immediately into the 4th, but I flew through them much more quickly than expected and ended up re-reading the 1st one. I also loved the Outlander series when I happened upon it about 10 years ago. His Dark Materials was OK but I didn’t LOVE it.
13. Sadie | August 1st, 2008 at 5:27 am
Yeah, I guess I would blanch at a vibrator on a Rite-Aid shelf simply out of surprise, like “what is THAT doing HERE?” Like you, I’d prefer to shop for things like that at a store where everyone else is shopping for things like that and we are ALL slinking around shamefully. Also, I can’t imagine that Rite-Aid has a great sex-toy selection.
Happy Anniversary!
14. Stefanie | August 1st, 2008 at 6:07 am
I’m with Janssen: the writing in Twilight never gets particularly good, but somehow it starts getting compelling anyway. I can’t explain it except to suggest that perhaps Stephenie Meyer has mastered the art of hypnotism through text? I don’t know, but I’ll admit I have book 2 waiting for me now on the library hold shelf, so something must have grabbed me in it…
15. Jess | August 1st, 2008 at 6:10 am
I don’t consider myself a prude, but I’m with you on the vibrators. There’s a time and a place, you know?
16. Jen E | August 1st, 2008 at 6:12 am
I am a big fan of both the Twilight books and His Dark Materials – though I don’t know I’d call His Dark Materials light reading, just as a warning – not necessarily hard reading, but not really light. But GOOD.
And the first two pages of Twilight like may as well bear no resemblance to the rest of the series in my mind – I just read the first paragraph the other day and was like, “What? This was even part of the book?” Cause I didn’t remember it at all. Give it time, soak it in.
17. She Likes Purple | August 1st, 2008 at 7:24 am
Happy Anniversary!
Also, the writing is awful but it does get better. And you do get sucked in even if you just can’t imagine how that’s possible.
18. Beth | August 1st, 2008 at 8:03 am
I just read Twilight (the first book, not whole series) on my vacation, and really have to say it’s in the top 5 of the worst books I’ve ever read, and am mystified (MYSTIFIED) by the public’s response to this epitome of terrible, terrible writing.
I love the Outlander series. The second one kind of sucks, so power through.
I read the His Dark Materials in a search for a Harry Potter replacement and was sorely disappointed. Readable, but a little laborious.
If you have room for one more book, add “Love Walked In.” Cheesy title; great vacation read.
If you have room for one more series, pick up Charlaine Harris’ “Dead” series. Like Twilight, about vampires. Unlike Twilight, good.
19. Camels & Chocolate | August 1st, 2008 at 9:29 am
Happy five! Also, I’ve come across a really good vamp series that are funny, they’re the Sookie Stackhouse books by Charlaine Harris. Also, I love Sophie Kinsella, no shame there!
The first couple times I got my eyebrows waxed the skin over my eyes was so red and peeling for weeks that I finally gave in and went back to the old-fashioned way–plucking!
20. Kristin H | August 1st, 2008 at 10:01 am
For me, waxing is like hooking up with random guys at parties in college. It seems like a great idea at the time, but the next morning I’m left wondering what in the hell I was thinking. I get ingrown hairs like crazy so I’ve never tried waxing my brows, though I think it would be great to not have to pluck.
Happy 5th anniversary! When are you leaving on vacation?
21. Blythe | August 1st, 2008 at 10:02 am
Happy anniversary!
The Outlander books are on my list too. I’m interested to know what you think.
I feel like admitting the following on the internet is going to send Oprah after me or something, but re: your sentiments about Twilight, I felt the same way the three times I’ve tried to read Pillars of the Earth. Every freaking body loves it but the writing bugs me. I just keep looking at how long it is and thinking I can’t take it for that many pages.
22. Leah | August 1st, 2008 at 10:18 am
I had the same reaction upon opening “The DaVinci Code”–”aw, what adorable little second-grader wrote this book?”–and IT NEVER GOT BETTER (at least in the first twenty pages). Life is too short and literature too vast to spend it on things like that, right? That said, thank you for warning me about the Twilight series in advance.
23. Swistle | August 1st, 2008 at 10:52 am
I really liked the Gabaldon books, except I thought I was going to have to shove her down if she said Sassenach ONE! MORE! TIME!
24. Moose | August 1st, 2008 at 11:09 am
I got sucked into the Twilight series, and so hooked on the plot that I barely even noticed the writing. But my bar is set pretty low for escapism reading. Which is, I think, how it should be.
Also a fan of the Gabaldon series. And will throw in another plug for “Love Walked In.”
Happy vacation reading!
25. Danielle | August 1st, 2008 at 1:39 pm
I know the “His Dark Materials” trilogy is not everyones thing, but they still remain my favorite books of all time, and they are definitely not light reading.
And I read Sophie Kinsella, too. No shame in that.
26. Danielle-lee | August 1st, 2008 at 7:45 pm
Happy anniversary! i hope you have a wonderful anniversary and vacation! I must have missed the post where you asked for our lovely opinions on new books. Ooops! Sorry! i’m full of book suggestions…I am the book whore!
27. elizasmom | August 2nd, 2008 at 5:26 am
Delurking because I live a state below you, and I, too, was recently VERY surprised to find a selection of “personal massagers” on the shelves of my friendly local Walgreen’s.
I was in the store with my kid and headed that way because I was thinking of picking up one of those little pedicure footbaths, but got completely sidetracked by the “Omigod, is THAT what I think it is?!”
28. Erin | August 2nd, 2008 at 10:46 am
Happy Anniversary!
My 5th Anniversary is next weekend!
And I am totally with you on the weirdness that is the idea of purchasing a VIBRATOR from the same person who sells me candy and trashy magazines. Yikes!
29. dissed | August 2nd, 2008 at 4:27 pm
Happy anniversary, trashy books are supposed to be trashy, and they sell “massagers” at my Sally Beauty Supply. To give us that glow, I guess. The display is fronted by the variety that looks like a large waterbug with a big grin, not confidence-inspiring.
The last time I read you, you were in Florida. Suddenly, more than year or so later, out of the blue, you’re in the sticks of Vermont. WTF? From one bumpkin to one who isn’t, good luck with that.
30. Katie | August 3rd, 2008 at 5:56 pm
Does it mean I’m totally immature because I giggle everytime I see the “Personal Massager” at Brookstone? Don’t they know that’s the one that Samantha bought in S&TC? Well, yeah, I guess they do, but really, that thing is HUUUGE!
31. ZestyJenny | August 4th, 2008 at 11:38 am
I hear you on th vibrators. At my RiteAid, they’re even in a special perpendicular display thing so that you can’t miss them!
Yes, I took a picture:
http://farm1.static.flickr.com/79/258967204_77065ef71b.jpg
I also have had my brain warped by the Twilight series. I must confess I plowed through 1 and 2 and just ordered 3 and 4 online for my vacation last night. My excuse is that it’s interesting because they take place in Washington? Maybe?
32. Mauigirl | August 5th, 2008 at 3:59 pm
Happy 5th Anniversary! We’re coming up on our 22nd this year…hard to believe. Yes indeedy, the time goes faster the older you get.
I have to say my local CVS does not seem to carry vibrators. However, I may have been lucky enough to miss that aisle…
33. Amanda | August 6th, 2008 at 8:43 am
If it’s possible for you to just let all preconceived notions leave your mind, and to let all facts of reality disappear from your head, and just sit and enjoy a sweet, silly and eventually sexy romance between a girl and her vampire, you can love the Twilight books.
Sure the writing’s not up to par, but the books are for YA. But I found them so much fun, so addicting and I fell in love with those beautiful vampires.
I know people who did not enjoy them, too, and I can understand their frustrations. But, I really feel if you don’t take yourself (or the books) too seriously, you can get a real kick out of these books. Perfect vacation books.
I’m anxious to hear what you think.
34. natalie | August 6th, 2008 at 6:32 pm
I have read all three of the Twilight books and while, no, they are not something spectacular in the writing aspect, they are a fun, light, simple sort of story…few characters, totally clean (the writer is LDS) compared to other vampire books (Rice) and enjoyable for what it is. They are also very fast reads. I haven’t read book four yet but am anxious to read the last of the series…
I am currently reading the Outlander series too! I’m actually only on the first book and not quite finished yet, but I too bought the first two! She is VERY wordy but the story line is fun and the characters are very enjoyable too.
35. ali | August 7th, 2008 at 8:50 am
ruch is heaven for the pooch.
just saying.
36. MsPrufrock | August 8th, 2008 at 2:53 pm
Vibrators at the pharmacy? This unnerves me greatly. I don’t know why, as I don’t consider myself a prude either. Hmm…
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