Sea Legs
August 11th, 2008
Oh man. I love you. Thank you. I loved your comments, I loved the people who came out of the woodwork and it’s safe to say that I pretty much sobbed my way through them. Before you think I’m insane, please also understand that I cry my way through every Pampers commercial on the airwaves and almost had a tearful breakdown when I realized that the health food store might have been out of the Ethiopian chickpea stew thing that was the only thing on earth I could imagine putting to my lips for dinner tonight. (I found it, but not before pawing my way through every container on the shelf in a terrified, desperate act.)
Anyway! A few pregnancy-related housekeeping issues, so that I don’t bore you with it every second of the day. It’s just that I’ve been HOLDING IT IN FOR SO LONG. Please indulge me.
– Can I just get a bit of retroactive sympathy for the fact that I was pregnant during the maggot incident? MAGGOTS. WHILE PREGNANT. AND ILL. Hold me. Or rather, hold my hair.
– Shortly after declaring my love for Totino’s pizza rolls, I threw them up. Another one bites the dust. Our affair was brief, but torrid and lustful.
– I do plan on finding out the sex, absolutely, and will tell everyone who asks (but I won’t share the name until after h/she’s born). While I admire those who can wait, I am not one of those people. I see the merits of not, but I don’t like surprises, and as I’ve said elsewhere, that day will be packed with plenty of surprises and open-ended questions, including the age-old “Jesus fuck, will I poop on the delivery table or not?”
– I don’t sleep much anymore. Yes, yes, fine, preparation for the baby, but until the Bun actually ARRIVES, I’d like to sleep a little. I lie there like a bump on a pickle, but I can’t sleep. And of course, by the time I fall asleep, my bladder is screaming, I’m nauseated and hungry and I’m up! I’m up! BUT I AM SO TIRED. What the hell? What is this fresh horror of sleeplessness?
– This is the least dignified thing I’ve ever endured. Ever. Between actually laying my cheek on the seat of strange toilets in an effort not to pass out and crack my head on the porcelain, I have also — and I can’t believe I’m admitting this, but if I can help another pregnant woman feel less alone in her embarrassment, IT WILL BE WORTH IT — thrown up until my bladder control ceases to function. And I … I don’t even know what to say about that, other than seriously? SERIOUSLY? For the record, a preemptive pee does nothing, as my body seems to have RESERVES designed for optimum humiliation. I was one accident away from buying new underwear on vacation. Enough said. Send Depends.
– Why didn’t anyone tell me the grocery store smells SO BAD? SO BAD. SO HORRIBLY BAD. The cases of fresh meats! The seafood section! THE FIDDLEHEADS OH MY GOD THE CREEPY FIDDLEHEADS LURKING INNOCENTLY NEXT TO THE LETTUCE WTF? I’ve taken to lurching in and out of the aisles with my hand clapped over my face, wondering what culinary terrors could possibly be hiding in the shadows waiting to strike. Like those godawful sample stations where they try to get you to sample something from (shudder) Mrs. Paul’s. Those should be outlawed.
– You should see my garden. It is a mess. A HOT MESS. It’s overgrown and it looks like a jungle. It is an EYESORE. Why? Because I planted cilantro and basil. And it turns out, the smell of cilantro and basil makes me throw up, as does the smell of tomato leaves (OMFG NO NO NO GAG). I tried staying on top of it, but wound up, uh, fertilizing it one too many times, and Adam’s too busy to deal with it. RIP, garden.
– Please don’t take any of this kvetching as an indication that I am in any way ungrateful. I am thrilled to the very core, even when I’m washing my underwear out in the sink, or wondering if that Mystery Crust on my shirt could possibly be vomit (Hint: it usually is). I am. This is not about the baby, or how much I want this baby, or how freakin’ happy I am that I got here. But, in the motto of Swistle, I acknowledge my luckiness without giving up my claim to the suckiness. And I think we can all agree that includes involuntarily PEEING IN YOUR PANTS.
Happy Tuesday!
*The Shins
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
48 Comments Add your own
1. Mary O | August 11th, 2008 at 7:20 pm
Don’t worry too much… you should be able to get some sleep during the second trimester. I…uh… won’t mention the third trimester, though. You’re right, pregnancy is the most undignified time ever. You’re going to be a fab mommy.
2. Jen | August 11th, 2008 at 7:24 pm
I keep wondering how I will ever successfully give a urine sample in the third trimester when my belly is humongous. Yes, pregnancy is undignified, for sure.
3. slynnro | August 11th, 2008 at 7:43 pm
As I have discussed with Jennie, my medications are causing me to have a sympathy pregnancy. Unexplained nausea! Extreme exhaustion! Constipation! Puking up water! It’s loads of fun.
4. Jennifer | August 11th, 2008 at 7:43 pm
Oh I SO peed every single time I threw up. I had to place a towel on the floor. I was always debating – pee on the floor, puke in the potty OR pee in the potty, puke on the floor. Anyway – it gets so much better. Congratulations again. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been for someone I’ve never met.
5. Kristi | August 11th, 2008 at 7:45 pm
This is just the beginning of the washing out of pee and vomitous clothing. Seriously, welcome to the long ride of “things I never in a million years thought I’d do”.
In between the puking and the smells, aren’t you just SO excited?!?!?
And yes. Yes. Big, giant kudos for the maggot incident.
6. Camels & Chocolate | August 11th, 2008 at 8:06 pm
Ahhhh! Reading all of the pregnant bloggers has heavily dissuaded me from ever wanting to get pregnant…I can’t imagine dealing with everything you’re going through!
7. Danielle-lee | August 11th, 2008 at 8:08 pm
If it makes you feel better, I peed myself while fast-walking 14 blocks downtown to the courthouse, for work. Actually, I didn’t do it until I was standing in front of the judge, and i about fell over. It wasn’t a lot, but uh, i thought my water broke. I was about 8 months pregnant. Ended up at the emergency room, only to be told ‘oh, you just pissed yourself walking so much’. Do you think anyone kept that secret??/ Oh, hell no. someone told someone who told the attorneys I was with that day, who told another judge, who gave me HELL any time he saw me. no, really.
8. banana | August 11th, 2008 at 8:20 pm
Oh no!!!! Maggots during morning sickness sounds like someting from a horror movie. You have my sympathy fo sho!!!
9. Kara | August 11th, 2008 at 8:58 pm
yup vomitting/peeing here too. Like clockwork EVERY morning. You are so not alone.
10. Desha | August 12th, 2008 at 12:44 am
Oh. Mah. GOODNESS! I check here EVERY day BUT the day that I’ve been suspecting was coming for about six weeks or so? (seriously…I’m going to go back and check your archives, but I swear I remember wondering, hmmm…)
At any rate, the three of you are going to be blissful together. My deepest and heartiest YEEEEHAAAAAW!!!!!
11. AndreAnna | August 12th, 2008 at 4:15 am
1) Yes, you will probably poop on the table.
2) You will be completely devoid of ALL dignity and modesty when this is over.
3) You will continue to pee yourself even after you have your baby.
4) Never, ever, ever go near the sushi station at your grocery store early in the morning when they are preparing the wasabi. Your stomach will jump out of your mouth, run into the parking lot, and try and kill itself.
But it will be the best thing ever. Promise. People are even stupid enough to keep doing it. (Though I am SO done with my two)
12. TwoBusy | August 12th, 2008 at 5:02 am
Jesus fuck indeed.
13. Amity | August 12th, 2008 at 5:10 am
All this cleaning up of your own accidents is only preparing you for the many, many cleanups to come…
14. Swistle | August 12th, 2008 at 5:19 am
Oh, grocery stores! I forgot how bad they smell! The stale ice and wet cardboard smells near the freezer cases! The mildewy, rotted-produce smell! The….urp….fresh meat smell.
15. Jess | August 12th, 2008 at 5:20 am
Is it wrong that I find every one of these tidbits of suckiness to be THRILLING and WONDERFUL? Because OMFG you’re having a baby.
16. Sadie | August 12th, 2008 at 5:27 am
Ohhhh you poor thing. YOU PUT YOUR CHEEK ON STRANGE TOILET SEATS. That’s even grosser than the Mrs. Paul’s samples.
I hope you feel better soon.
(…and I love the weird green smell of tomato plants. Give me your address and I will come harvest your garden bounty!)
17. Shelly | August 12th, 2008 at 5:30 am
You poor, poor thing. I never puked—I have major issues w/ puking, so I’m so VERY grateful for not puking, but the incessent nausea—oh the horror.
I feel your grocery store pain……..I could MAYBE look at things in boxes and cans, but FORGET any deli, produce, or MEAT…….oh no, not meat………
You will poop on the delivery table. People try to say that they don’t, but THEY DO……..everyone has poop reserves, and pushing like one must push, you end up pushing out poo. But don’t let it get you down……you may THINK you are the only one, and everyone you talk to may not ADMIT to it, but as your nurse………..she’ll give you the STRAIGHT scoop on poop.
Check w/ your doctor and try Ginger capsules………..ginger is known to ease nausea—-and it may help—you can buy them at health food stores………and if you can get them down, maybe they’ll help through the worst of the nausea.
Smells during pregnancy were the WORST THING for me….so i feel your pain. To this day….16 yrs later I smell certain Calvin Klein perfumes and have a nanosecond of that horrible, nauseated feeling……
Awww–babies……the different things you face will be SO made up for when you see the baby. You’ll NEVER expect the overwhelming love and protective feeling you have for this creature that you just bore until you actually see him/her….it’s amazing.
I don’t mind the pregnancy tales…………so keep ‘em coming!
18. Jeanne | August 12th, 2008 at 5:32 am
Tomato plants stink even for the non-pregnant, I don’t blame you for keeping your distance now! Some of it will survive the neglect and you’ll still be able to eat some of the fresh vegetables you planted (well, Adam will anyway).
My theory is: difficult pregnancy = easy baby. It’s all about the karma. I had gallbladder surgery and pneumonia while pregnant and my daughter was a dream baby! Hopefully you’ll be magically over the sickness in a week or so, and the rest will seem easy in comparison.
19. Kristin H | August 12th, 2008 at 5:45 am
I am not a puker by nature so you really have my sympathy. Especially with the maggots, OMFG.
Pooping on the table only means you’re pushing the right way! And by that time you’ll be an old pro at suffering indignities, so what’s one more, right? (Um, is this helpful?)
Are you sobbing your way through the Olympics, in your hormone-induced state? I love the Olympics! I cry during all the finals, no matter who wins. I can’t help myself.
20. -R- | August 12th, 2008 at 5:45 am
I learned early on to sit on the toilet when I was puking and vomit into the trash can. That only really works at home though. At work, I just prayed for no accidents.
Good times!
21. Jakki | August 12th, 2008 at 5:50 am
Although I have chosen NOT to have any more kids ( you might this is a good thing..me not procreating) I still have that flutter in me when someone annouces the news…I get a huge ghost baby kick when I a little girl smiles at me and I think maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaybe but I push those thoughts away. But boy when i hear someone else is pregnant…I become a fool!
The only things that bothered me when I was pregnant was the smell of meat cooking and the last couple months of my pregnancy, I HATED it that my baby, my belly, had become public property and people forgot the whole idea of what is socially acceptable.
Again…connnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnngrats.
22. beach | August 12th, 2008 at 6:03 am
Congratulations…..and I can so empathize with you, my kids are now 15 and 18, but like you I was a wretching, throwing up, flulike being for the first trimester…..seriously, I lost weight(but gained it all back once I was able to eat, and then some). It was a difficult time. The only thing I can remember eating was potato chips and Coke….mmmm so nutritious, but the only thing that would stay down. Btw….that is supposedly a sign of a strong pregnancy(lots of hormones surging)…at least thats what I remember the doctor telling me, I believe to give me a shred of hope as to why I felt like a walking puke machine. …..also I have 2 boys…….so Am thinking an adam jr is likely!….be well and again, congrats!
23. Shelly | August 12th, 2008 at 6:27 am
Oh honey, many of us have been there. I started wearing a pantyliner everyday when I was pregnant and barfing and I continue that habit to this day because YOU JUST NEVER KNOW, NOW DO YOU?! And GAH on the maggots while pregnant – I think I would have keeled over dead. I would love to tell you that the nausea gets better, and it does get some better in the second and third trimester, but mine never went away completely until the baby was born. But you will get through it. And then! You’ll have a BABY! : )
24. anne | August 12th, 2008 at 6:40 am
As a girl with stomach issues to begin with and bloating and feeling generally like I am 6 months pregnant – I can sympathize (of course to a degree) BUT I will say I have peed my pants (owing to the whole bloating, pressure deal) but I won’t say how many times and I will leave it at that!
25. Suebob | August 12th, 2008 at 6:53 am
This post explains a lot! I have obviously been pregnant my whole life – because tomato leaves are SO STINKY. And the grocery store is a smell shop of horrors.
You don’t have to go all the way to Depends. There are these Poise pads, which are more like maxipads, that might help you get through the vomity/bladder control issues. They are available in the grocery store.
26. the new girl | August 12th, 2008 at 6:54 am
OMG.
So, so feeling you and STILL laughing.
I’ve been so, SO sick and I’m NOT EVEN KIDDING–I had to break out the post-partum MONSTAH PADS because I couldn’t handle the underwear swamp of pee whilst I was well, you know.
Hideously. AWFUL.
p.s. And YES. You definitely qualify for retroactive sympathy for maggots and whateverthehellelse.
p.p.s. The rotisserie chickens in the grocery store? I STILL gag when I smell that loveliness.
27. Blythe | August 12th, 2008 at 7:03 am
We had houseguests during my early pregnancy, when we still weren’t telling anyone, and they actually snuck away to find a grocery store (in a country where they didn’t speak the language) because our house was devoid of food. I just could not bring myself to grocery shop. But I was amazed that just a few weeks later I practically set up camp in the baked-goods aisle because I was so hungry all the time.
28. Carrie | August 12th, 2008 at 7:30 am
OMG! THIS is what happens when I don’t have time to get online in a week!
I’m so FREAKIN’ excited for you!!!!
Don’t hate me–but I was one of those few people who didn’t get the morning sickness. I had a few “sickly” days, but no puking. Well, not until the kidney stone incident. THEN I did the grand puking/peeing combo while in the hospital. SO embarrassed.
My big warning to ALL pregnant women: drink LOTS and LOTS of water. Passing a kidney stone is WORSE than labor.
You were fun to read before…but this just TOPS it all!
29. Kimberly C | August 12th, 2008 at 7:32 am
I usually lurk, but came out of hiding for this-
I peed every time I puked, I couldn’t brush my teeth with any kind of regularity, and once I puked so much that I clogged a toilet. At work.
At about 4 months the puking stopped, thank god. Then the tired and the godforsaken heartburn took over, ugh.
Here’s sending you lots of congrats and dole fruit bars over the internet.
30. ali | August 12th, 2008 at 8:06 am
oh, how the world was a smelly, smelly place when i was pregnant. *sigh*
31. She Likes Purple | August 12th, 2008 at 10:48 am
My sister didn’t poop, if that helps. My sister is going to LOVE that I just told the Internet she didn’t poop when she gave birth. Hi, Rachel!
Also, I think I’ve talked to you before about only wanting one before we got knocked up. Well, the kid must REALLY want to be an only child because the things he/she has already put me through solidified that I really don’t think I can do this more than once.
I threw up today at 12wks and 5 days. WHEN WILL IT GET BETTER?
And Starbucks smelled like the smelly, fishy ocean today, I kid you not.
32. ZestyJenny | August 12th, 2008 at 10:57 am
Oh, my dear, sweet girl, I SO SO SO feel you.
various things:
I, too, went on a long planned vacation in the worst of my sick days. I wanted to have fun, I was in my favorite place in the world, NEW YORK CITY, but all I could do was lie there. And let me tell you, it may be my favorite place, but New York City smells BAD.
And oh my god, no matter how happy you are to be pregnant, (OH MY GOD SO HAPPY!) it suuuuuuuuuuuuuck SUCKS SUCKS at first. It is so hard! SO HARD. I don’t feel like this was ever adequately communicated to me. I never want to see a saltine cracker agian for as long as I live.
Anyway, I feel for you. I don’t even like to think about those early days. Hopefully you are almost clear! I felt a million times better, like that feeling you get after you’ve had a fever for a day or two and then suddenly your brain feels normal again? That feeling? At 14 weeks. The skys parted, angels sang, and life was a lot better.
Oh! And the not sleeping. WTF? Me neither.
33. jen from boston | August 12th, 2008 at 11:56 am
CONGRATULATIONS!!! Tremendous! So happy for you and Adam! And I am learning a lot already! Knowledge is power, you know?
And don’t know why I ever thought this, but foe some reason I imagined your and -R-’s (eventual? Possible?) pregnancy would coincide. And it’s not like there was a lot of baby talk on either of your sites. No idea why I thought this. Weird.
If/when do, I am glad that mike does 99% of the grocery shopping now. I think of the movie Mr. Mom, “Earrrrle…clean up in Aisle 7″ and that’s not a situation I want to find myself.
34. nonsoccermom | August 12th, 2008 at 12:10 pm
Delurking to say OH DEAR GOD I have so much retroactive sympathy for you and your maggots. GAG. The TEEMING TEEMINESS alone would have done me in, and I am not currently pregnant. The very idea of dealing with that in my first trimester is truly horrifying!!! Mad props to you for not keeling over DEAD.
Congrats on the wee bun, by the way. Can’t wait to read more pregnancy stories!
35. rosarita | August 12th, 2008 at 12:12 pm
Oh, congratulations from the bottom of my heart, not for peeing yourself while vomitting, of course, but on your pregnancy. (I missed your announcement yesterday.) It will get better, sleep included, I promise. And then it gets worse, then better, and on and on until the child leaves home, when you find that you still worry and love in pretty much equal amounts.
36. diane | August 12th, 2008 at 12:30 pm
oh, during the maggots?I am so sorry for you..that deserves whole bunches of sympathy.
37. chirky | August 12th, 2008 at 12:58 pm
I think you should consider trying to sleep on the toilet, with an empty wastebasket nearby.
Consider: When you DO manage to fall asleep, you could just pee when you wanted to – no climbing out of bed. And also, the wastebasket could be your personal vomit bin. Please line it with a plastic bag, for easier cleanup. And while you vomit, you’d already be on the toilet, ready to release the reserves.
THINK OF THE CONVENIENCE!
38. Leah | August 12th, 2008 at 1:06 pm
Just got back into town and am DYING WITH HAPPINESS for you. I seriously don’t know what to say. I’m just so…happy.
39. houndrat | August 12th, 2008 at 2:57 pm
Huge congrats!
And um, I hate to break it to you but sometimes the involuntary peeing continues post-pregnancy. Just think of it as a special little treat to remind you of the wonders of carrying a tiny, new, urine-inspiring life in your belly.
40. Zephra | August 12th, 2008 at 3:19 pm
Hi. First time reader over from Andrea’s at little bald doctors.
I only pooped myself when they gave me an enema. Don’t do it, The other 3 babies, no poop problems. But you will so not care at that moment anyway. By the time you get to the end of your pregnancy, you will be peeing yourself regularly. when you laugh, cry, sneeze, move too fast, cough. Get used to it now.
I don’t know you yet but I look forward to following along in your journey. What a hell of a ride you are in for!
41. dissed | August 12th, 2008 at 5:31 pm
Oh. my god. I find the blog again, I read a couple of times, I check back a week or so later and you’re pregnant, just like that. *thud* I’m sorry, it’s just that since the MUA days I’ve been so used to you not getting pregnant. Anyway. This is a very fine thing. Congratulations, indeed. And yes, you will eat everything again, and in greater amounts than ever before. Maybe even fiddleheads.
42. metalia | August 12th, 2008 at 6:02 pm
Oh, honey. I feel your pain. I was SO SICK, and so many things I loved to eat were RUINED FOR ME. But trust me when I tell you that it will pass, if not now, then literally the minute after you give birth. Seriously.
43. Lauren | August 12th, 2008 at 7:06 pm
CONGRATULATIONS! Meant to post that after you announced your news but hadn’t gotten around to it. Am deliriously happy for Adam and you and know (from your blogging and our mutual friend) how much this means to you. Much luck, love and happiness to you!
Also? OMFG – you are scaring the f-ing bejeezus out of me… the more I learn about what pregnancy is REALLY like the more frightened i become. How come our moms didn’t tell us any of this crap?!?!?
44. Lippy | August 12th, 2008 at 8:10 pm
I’ve been creepily reading and not commenting for a long time. This seems like the perfect time to come out and say congratulations. The grocery store is the worst! I can’t tell you the number of times I left with nothing because the meat section made me want to die. I would run past with my shirt over my nose gagging and sometimes crying. Sweet. Also just being in a bathroom would make me puke, go in to pee, then have to make the crucial decision puke or pee. My SIL is also due in March (after having in-vitro) and as I told her, I love hearing stories from pregnant ladies, I never get tired of hearing stories. Again congratulations.
45. Andrea | August 13th, 2008 at 2:06 pm
Oh, this is the stuff I mean when I said I can’t wait to read what you have to say about pregnancy.
Oh, and the dignity? It deserts so fast, doesn’t it? But you get this scrunchy little old man looking bundle in the end and you forget all about the dignity and it’s mutiny. And the poop on the delivery table.
46. Kristabella | August 20th, 2008 at 7:38 am
I have never been pregnant. And I long for the day when I can eat anything and everything because BABY WANTS A BACON-WRAPPED FILET MIGNON.
Which I know already means I will be a vomiting machine and only eat saltines. Because fate is my bitch like that.
I hope the puking goes away QUICKLY!
47. asdf | August 22nd, 2008 at 9:59 am
http://www.boston.com/sports/basketball/celtics/extras/celtics_blog/2008/08/sports/basketball/celtics/extras/celtics_blog/2008/08/celtics_get_mil.html
48. Poty Belly Pig Secrets. |&hellip | December 22nd, 2009 at 10:50 am
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