Havoc in Heaven

Greetings from the land of hysteria! So. Today I was bitten by a tick. Yes, A TICK. I don’t know where it came from — I’m assuming the dog brought it in, who brought it to me, and … I don’t even know. It was awful. I don’t know if it was a deer tick or what, but it bit me on the neck, there was blood, and OH HELLO. GOOD MORNING. HOW GREAT IS PREGNANCY NOW?

Also, who’s excited for a preventative round of amoxicillin? FOR LYME DISEASE. (My doctors are conferring to make sure this is the course of action, which seems harsh, but then again, they’re all “LYME DISEASE IS VERY BAD FOR PREGNANT LADIES”.) Oh yes. What every sick pregnant woman wants. A medicine whose side effects include nausea! vomiting! diarrhea! and stomach pain! Not to mention, you know, any medicine at all. I’m a sort of laid-back pregnant lady most of the time (i.e., I ate a poached egg or two. Call the pregnancy police!) But COME ON. This is … this is sort of pushing it, if only because EW TICKS GROSS.

Did I ever pretend to like Vermont? WELL I WAS LYING. TICKFEST.

I’ve sort of had it. I don’t know with who or what, but with SOMETHING. SOMEONE WILL PAY.

(Also, am mildly hysterical over this. Just … I don’t know why, I just am.)

(Plus, am tiniest bit scared. Google is not my friend. Repeat, GOOGLE IS NOT MY FRIEND.)

(In addition, our landlords are selling the house we live in, forcing us to move March 1, if not sooner. When is mah baby due? MARCH 7. Ticks and moving in the third trimester! What excitement our world has brought forth!)

Anyway! Let us move on from less terrifying topics. I finished the Twilight series inside of a week and while it was compelling enough for me to want to read them all in relatively quick succession, I have to tell you, by the end, I was pretty freakin’ sick of it. In fact, the last 100 pages moved so damn slowly for me, I started dreading picking it up. Edward and Bella, Edward and Bella, Edward and Bella, OH MY GOD SHUT UP. YOU LOVE EACH OTHER. WE KNOW. Edward is hot. Bella is stunning. Jacob is hot, and by that, I mean temperature-hot. YAWN. YOUR LOVE TRANSCENDS TIME. SHUT UP.

(Btw, have you read Metalia’s drinking game? Best thing on the Interwebs right now.)

By the way, probably contributing to the tickfest was the fact that until this afternoon, our yard resembled … I don’t even know. Some wild African plain during the rainy season. For reasons unknown, our lawn man opted not to show up FOR A MONTH, despite repeated phone calls (and being paid promptly), and since we have three acres and no mower and no contract anywhere else, we were … well, we were sort of screwed. So yes. Let’s blame the lawn man for the tick.

Let us also laugh at the fact that my next-door neighbor (retired gun-toter) mows his lawn TWICE A WEEK and worked himself into such a state over our lawn’s disarray that he came over and mowed the front lawn while we were on vacation. For some reason, this amused me greatly, for this is a man who POLISHES HIS LAWN MOWER in his spare time. You know the great plains were making him batshit INSANE.

And finally, three things:

1) I wish Barack Obama’s name were Obama Barack. I don’t know why, it just sounds better to me. I keep thinking that’s what it is, and when someone calls him Barack, I’m always thinking no no, his first name is OBAMA. Also, I have a giant crush on Michelle (Barack) Obama, and I don’t know how you can NOT.

2) I had a ladies’ lunch with my sister and a few of her friends at the Manchester outlets today, and I … well. I experienced my first taste of women (other than my sister) sharing their birth stories with me and uh, oh my God? I’m not particularly queasy, nor have I ever really been afraid of childbirth, but when a woman details that she opted for a natural childbirth with her second because of (OMG) THIRD-DEGREE ANAL TEARING with her first, I … well. I didn’t have a specific birth plan in mind, but now I have something to focus on: AVOID ANAL RIPPAGE.

3) Have I told you lately that I love you? You all pee too! I have never felt closer to all of you, honest to God, and I wish I were saying that with sarcasm, because it sounds a bit stalker-like. But MAN. Thank you.

Happy Wednesday, y’all! May you be tick-free!

*Jesca Hoop

49 comments August 12th, 2008