Havoc in Heaven
August 12th, 2008
Greetings from the land of hysteria! So. Today I was bitten by a tick. Yes, A TICK. I don’t know where it came from — I’m assuming the dog brought it in, who brought it to me, and … I don’t even know. It was awful. I don’t know if it was a deer tick or what, but it bit me on the neck, there was blood, and OH HELLO. GOOD MORNING. HOW GREAT IS PREGNANCY NOW?
Also, who’s excited for a preventative round of amoxicillin? FOR LYME DISEASE. (My doctors are conferring to make sure this is the course of action, which seems harsh, but then again, they’re all “LYME DISEASE IS VERY BAD FOR PREGNANT LADIES”.) Oh yes. What every sick pregnant woman wants. A medicine whose side effects include nausea! vomiting! diarrhea! and stomach pain! Not to mention, you know, any medicine at all. I’m a sort of laid-back pregnant lady most of the time (i.e., I ate a poached egg or two. Call the pregnancy police!) But COME ON. This is … this is sort of pushing it, if only because EW TICKS GROSS.
Did I ever pretend to like Vermont? WELL I WAS LYING. TICKFEST.
I’ve sort of had it. I don’t know with who or what, but with SOMETHING. SOMEONE WILL PAY.
(Also, am mildly hysterical over this. Just … I don’t know why, I just am.)
(Plus, am tiniest bit scared. Google is not my friend. Repeat, GOOGLE IS NOT MY FRIEND.)
(In addition, our landlords are selling the house we live in, forcing us to move March 1, if not sooner. When is mah baby due? MARCH 7. Ticks and moving in the third trimester! What excitement our world has brought forth!)
Anyway! Let us move on from less terrifying topics. I finished the Twilight series inside of a week and while it was compelling enough for me to want to read them all in relatively quick succession, I have to tell you, by the end, I was pretty freakin’ sick of it. In fact, the last 100 pages moved so damn slowly for me, I started dreading picking it up. Edward and Bella, Edward and Bella, Edward and Bella, OH MY GOD SHUT UP. YOU LOVE EACH OTHER. WE KNOW. Edward is hot. Bella is stunning. Jacob is hot, and by that, I mean temperature-hot. YAWN. YOUR LOVE TRANSCENDS TIME. SHUT UP.
(Btw, have you read Metalia’s drinking game? Best thing on the Interwebs right now.)
By the way, probably contributing to the tickfest was the fact that until this afternoon, our yard resembled … I don’t even know. Some wild African plain during the rainy season. For reasons unknown, our lawn man opted not to show up FOR A MONTH, despite repeated phone calls (and being paid promptly), and since we have three acres and no mower and no contract anywhere else, we were … well, we were sort of screwed. So yes. Let’s blame the lawn man for the tick.
Let us also laugh at the fact that my next-door neighbor (retired gun-toter) mows his lawn TWICE A WEEK and worked himself into such a state over our lawn’s disarray that he came over and mowed the front lawn while we were on vacation. For some reason, this amused me greatly, for this is a man who POLISHES HIS LAWN MOWER in his spare time. You know the great plains were making him batshit INSANE.
And finally, three things:
1) I wish Barack Obama’s name were Obama Barack. I don’t know why, it just sounds better to me. I keep thinking that’s what it is, and when someone calls him Barack, I’m always thinking no no, his first name is OBAMA. Also, I have a giant crush on Michelle (Barack) Obama, and I don’t know how you can NOT.
2) I had a ladies’ lunch with my sister and a few of her friends at the Manchester outlets today, and I … well. I experienced my first taste of women (other than my sister) sharing their birth stories with me and uh, oh my God? I’m not particularly queasy, nor have I ever really been afraid of childbirth, but when a woman details that she opted for a natural childbirth with her second because of (OMG) THIRD-DEGREE ANAL TEARING with her first, I … well. I didn’t have a specific birth plan in mind, but now I have something to focus on: AVOID ANAL RIPPAGE.
3) Have I told you lately that I love you? You all pee too! I have never felt closer to all of you, honest to God, and I wish I were saying that with sarcasm, because it sounds a bit stalker-like. But MAN. Thank you.
Happy Wednesday, y’all! May you be tick-free!
*Jesca Hoop
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
49 Comments Add your own
1. anne | August 12th, 2008 at 7:25 pm
I am sort of wondering what level of hell I will be in if I should choose to get pregnant because I feel like a lot of these indignities already happen to me on an everyday basis – yeah bad tummy!
But seriously TICKS? I am so, so sorry and really can’t fathom.
2. Blythe | August 12th, 2008 at 7:26 pm
I spent the last six months I lived in Germany madly scouring my scalp for ticks because it is apparently the tick capitol of Europe. Or so my doctor implied. And so I lay in bed terrified that I could feel something crawling on me every night. I share this with you only because I want you to know I am completely in awe of your bravery in not packing your bags and immediately moving to some suburban Target parking lot in protest of living in the sticks as soon as you discovered said insect. (They are insects, yes? Or parasites? I think I shall stop this train of thought now.)
I finally learned to just stop people before their birth stories got to the “AND I SCREAMED MAN I WANT THE DRUGS BUT THEY SAID IT WAS TOO LATE I’D ALREADY RIPPED OPEN” portion. I’m not sure what compels women to share this kind of information with pregnant people. Soon I just began playfully putting my fingers in my ears and singing “la la la la” and they figured out I didn’t want to know.
3. She Likes Purple | August 12th, 2008 at 7:29 pm
Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Anal tearing, you say? Holy shit, I need a paper bag.
Do hospitals ever allow vodka immediately post-birth?
4. KT | August 12th, 2008 at 7:35 pm
Anal rippage? Ewwww. Good luck with that.
5. Camels & Chocolate | August 12th, 2008 at 7:45 pm
Oh no! I do not miss that about growing up in the South. Hope you’re OK!
6. Allison | August 12th, 2008 at 7:54 pm
Okay, a couple of things. Three, so a few things.
1. I have had to step away from “Breaking Dawn” right now because all the descriptions of uh, Bella’s problem (don’t want to give anything away) made ME feel sick.
2. If I ever hear about my sister in law’s 50 internal stitches from childbirth again, it will be too soon.
3. I SO wish Barack Obama’s name was reversed too! I always have to say his entire name in my head when I hear newscasters talking about him. “Did they call him by his first name? What? Are they on a first name basis with our future President?”
7. Kristi | August 12th, 2008 at 8:06 pm
Just wait until all the shit you will hear when you are visibly in your 3rd trimester. I defy you to make a trip to the grocery store without a) hyperventilating b) crying or c) flying into a murderous rage every time someone asks when you are due.
Also, completely agree on Obama (first name?) Every single time I have to stop and go over his FULL name in order to remember which is first, which is last??!!! Why do I care, I know who the hell they are talking about?! It’s like a compulsion. He needs a one-name moniker like G-Love or Diddy. What about BiddyBama? Ok, I’ll shut up now.
8. Christine | August 12th, 2008 at 8:08 pm
Um, I had things to say, like about how I love Michelle Obama and how I wish I could call her up and say, “So you know you can never wear any of your clothes again, because they would be seen TWICE! So why not just send me everything you’ve ever worn post-haste?”
But now, it’s all anal rippage. Uh. no. adoption for me.
9. mar | August 12th, 2008 at 8:12 pm
hope no lyme disease. i thought s had a tick on his scalp on sunday when i put my hand on the back of his neck & cringed away. turns out it was just a giant zit. um, so much more pleasing?
quick-read through 1st & 2nd of twilight series just before the final one came out, but am pretty well & sick of’em. if anything, i’m team jacob rather than edward. meh. not too interested in finishing the other two just yet.
huge girl crush on michelle obama.
yeah, birth stuff. i work in a gi clinic where we used to have a colorectal surgeon & another gi specialist who sees a lot of women for fecal incontinence due to erm, tearing stuff…
10. andrea | August 12th, 2008 at 8:39 pm
“Avoid anal rippage” might just be my mantra during childbirth this time around.
11. Jennifer | August 12th, 2008 at 8:39 pm
People insisted on telling me some awful stories while I was pregnant but nothing was as bad as the horrible nausea of the first few months. Labor was a walk in the park in comparison. It gets so much better. I hope you aren’t sick (obviously). And Twilight? I felt mildly compelled to read the whole series myself and hated every second of it. Hated. They sure liked to smell each other. Great plot there, Stephanie Meyers.
12. Shana | August 12th, 2008 at 10:40 pm
Hmmm. Trying to find a silver lining.
Okay. So you know how you wanted to move? *ducks* Now you’re, like, being given a push!
No? Okay, I give. OMG THAT BLOWS. Aaaaagh, no moving around the due date!
Fortunately, you can doo eee!
13. moo | August 13th, 2008 at 4:37 am
No, no, the timing of the move is PERFECT. You get to look for a new place when you are in the second trimester, all glowing and feeling GREAT. THEN, you get to move in the third trimester when you can’t actually lift anything or help in any way except to lounge on the cleopatra couch with a handful of bonbons and a giant fan (Vermont is cold but you’ll still need it in the third trimester) and wave your hand lazily at the movers to show where the furniture should be placed.
14. TwoBusy | August 13th, 2008 at 4:43 am
Speaking as someone who’s actually performed a drive-by mowing, all I can say is that your neighbor has my sympathies.
15. Jakki | August 13th, 2008 at 4:52 am
Ticks: my worst nightmare. I kid you not. I wont even get the things off my kids or my dog
lawnmowers: have to say…my has to be cleaned before it gets put up..i’m a lawn/yard/tool ‘ho
childbirth stories: over rated.
oh…step AWAY from Goggle..LOL
16. Sadie | August 13th, 2008 at 5:05 am
If you could plainly see/feel the tick (like it wasn’t a pinhead size) it was likely not a deer tick, but I suppose your doctor is right to err on the side of caution and give you drugs. SUCKS.
Also SUCKS: moving, although someone above me has a good point about the timing. Also also SUCKS: grotesque birth stories involving ass tearing. Seriously, what kind of doctors do people have that let that sort of thing transpire? I mean, aren’t they supposed to be watching out and stuff? And slowing you down if it appears that you are being split literally in half? If I need stitches in my ass after childbirth, I am punching both my doctor and my baby.
17. Amity | August 13th, 2008 at 5:23 am
I’m with you on the “Barack Obama” thing. In fact, in my mind, he’s just “Obama,” kind of like Oprah or Madonna with no “last” name necessary. When he gets called “Barack” I have to do a double-take sometimes.
18. Jamie | August 13th, 2008 at 5:28 am
Umm, I go away for a week and I come back to a pregnant Jonna? This is such exciting news! I admit I wondered if that could be the case after seeing your many unusual and telling status updates on Facebook…but that said, the news is still thrilling.
Also, please never discuss third degree anal anything again. Ever.
Congrats!
19. Jess | August 13th, 2008 at 5:33 am
I feel that way about Obama too! I think the fact that his main contender went by her first name didn’t help matters either.
20. diane | August 13th, 2008 at 5:33 am
anal rippage? And why is it that I want to have children?
Cracking up at Sadie…
“I am punching both my doctor and my baby.”
21. Shelly | August 13th, 2008 at 5:56 am
Even though I told you that I was nauseaous and that everyone poops on the delivery table, I have to mention that I hate THE HORROR BIRTH STORIES that people tell—-as if they are the only person who pushed a live, wiggling, 5-10 lb PERSON out of their loins. Somehow women wear this as a badge of honor…..and it SUCKS for all the newly pregnant people who want everyone to OOOHHHHH and AAHHHH over pregnancy news. What do they USUALLY get? “Oh, honey….LET ME TELL you about when I had Bruno 40 years ago, in the wheat field, with nobody but the farmhand and an ox for help.”…………..Seriously………why do people do this?
anal tearing/schmearing….don’t fret……..whatever the situation you are faced with, you’ll handle beautifully, and what these ‘heroic’ women DON’T relate, is when you see your baby, you IMMEDIATELY forget the pregnancy and labor, and would be willing to do it ALL OVER AGAIN today………..
I will tell you a happy story, though……..one that involves sleeping medicine and an epidural.
Once upon a time, there was a younger PerfectlyShelly—she was 9 months pregnant, and wasn’t a ‘glowing’ pregnant person….in fact she didn’t enjoy pregnancy at all. She felt really guilty that I didn’t glow and get all sorts of angel like compliments during the gestation.
Anywho, this perfectlyshelly had experienced alot of pre-term labor, and was on and off bed rest…….bored and WANTED TO HAVE THIS BABY NOW. One evening, the contractions started. Does PerfectlyShelly GO to the hospital AGAIN, or is it just pre-term labor? She waddled her way to the obstetric ward…….they sighed…again….and put her into a bed………checked her and what do you know? She was 4 centimeters dialated…….but it COULD still be pre-term labor……….the doctor checked her and she was 5 CENTIMETERS dialated. He contemplated sending her home, since the contractions were namby pamby ones that MAY not be real (OK, to interject in this fairy tale….WTF? Some baby could possibly fall OUT of a 5 centimeter hole).
He agreed to give her something to relax her muscles and let her sleep…he said if the monitor registered any contractions during the time she was medicated, then the contractions were probably real.
She woke up the next sunny day, her due date, and she’d had contractions all night during her fitful, drugged sleep. The doctor was surprised and went ahead and broke her water. The epidural guy was on hand to immediately administer an epidural………She called her best friend, and family and waited.
Around 11:45 am, shortly after conversing casually with people in the room, a baby popped out and everyone lived happily ever after.
No pain, no anal tearing, and no drama–no screaming and carrying on….just a few pushes and POP…out he came.
So, see? Not everyone has horrifying labor and dragged out deliveries, and all the other horror stuff you’ll hear. Sometimes it IS sunshine and roses. Drugs help ALOT, and despite the braver ones in the world, I highly recommend them.
Sorry for sharing the Perfectly tale…..I just wanted to let you know that sometimes it IS easy………really.
22. Lawyerish | August 13th, 2008 at 6:07 am
WELL!
I think we’ve all learned a little something today, and what I have learned is that I am very happy to have a daughter through the miracle of adoption; however grueling the process may be, there is never any mention of anal tearing.
If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go pass out.
23. houndrat | August 13th, 2008 at 6:07 am
Doxycycline is typically what they use for ticks. Any idea how long that little sucker was attached? Because supposedly they have to be on you for about 24 hours to actually transmit disease.
We found a tick in our bed once and I about barfed without being pregnant, so I truly feel your pain.
And mental note–bring earplugs in case of future birth story tellage.
24. Swistle | August 13th, 2008 at 6:08 am
Oh dear. Sorry about the ticks and the birth stories. Yick.
25. jonniker | August 13th, 2008 at 6:15 am
Houndrat: Doxycycline is what they usually use, however it’s a Category D medication, along with all of the other “cyclines” (Tetracycline, Minocycline, etc.) and is known to pass through the … placenta or whatever and might cause birth defects, so it can’t be given to pregnant ladies. Amoxicillin is a Category B and is safe to use as a prophylactic.
I don’t know how long it was on there. I found it in the morning after taking the dog for a walk. It was awful.
26. Lori | August 13th, 2008 at 6:34 am
Yay, March 7 is a great day to be born – just ask me!
Ticks and childbirth horror stories… I’m not listening… I don’t care to experience either!
27. Jeanne | August 13th, 2008 at 6:53 am
Ah, Twilight. Just finished the series on Monday and felt relieved to be done. I liked the first three books, but the last one did drag on and on… Still, I’m kind of looking forward to the movie coming out in December.
Sorry about the tick bite. Nothing gives me the heebie-jeebies like ticks. I shudder just thinking about them. My husband bikes in the woods a lot and frequently comes home and shares his ticks with me. Um, no thanks dear!
28. birdgal | August 13th, 2008 at 6:55 am
First of all, congratulations Jonna on your pregnancy! Prepare to hear all sorts of stuff you never wanted to!
It sounds like the tick you had (noticeable, of the larger variety) was not a deer tick and it also sounds like it wasn’t attached for that long. At least it wasn’t hiding in a spot it would be hard to find, like your ear (it’s happened to me) or on your scalp. If your doctor says it’s best, take the amoxicillin, but I seriously doubt you are in danger of contracting Lyme disease.
Also, I moved into a new house during my third trimester (a month from my due date) and it really wasn’t all that bad–just think, you can get out of carrying anything heavy!
29. Zephra | August 13th, 2008 at 7:06 am
Twilight was awesome…of course, the other 3 books lost all their interests. new Moon was almost painful to read. I hope the movie is good.
30. amandam | August 13th, 2008 at 7:24 am
Ticks and New England woods – oh yes. I used to go walking barefoot IN the backwoods of Old Lyme – yes, the home of Lyme Disease! – way back in the early 80s, about, say, two seconds before the time Lyme disease was first discovered. Yet the only tick that got me was a plain old wood tick that was on my head for a DAY before I discovered it. I concur with the previous poster who noted that if you actually saw the tick, if it was hanging around and all, it was very likely not a deer tick. I think deer ticks bite and run?
Also, have you heard about GyneFlex? (Or, in my prudish lexicon, “G-Flex”?) Not speaking from experience at this point but this and other kegel exercisers/pelvic floor strengtheners are reported to have some potential benefits in prepping those, well, childbirthing muscles and “areas.”
31. Megan | August 13th, 2008 at 8:08 am
Oh lord. Note to self: ask Jonna before reading some of the blog posts. ESP the ones involving anal tearing. Shudder.
And boooo for the tick! Damn thing. Add this to the “move back to Boston” category please.
32. sweetney | August 13th, 2008 at 9:30 am
TICKFEST 2008 MAN, WOOHOO!!!!
oh. oops. sorry man.
and yeah, don’t google that shit. and ESPECIALLY stay away from Web MD. before you know it you’ll think you have rickets AND the black death.
33. ZestyJenny | August 13th, 2008 at 10:52 am
I’m sorry, you may love these ladies, but who are these assholes telling you scary birth stories?
Your body is MADE for this and you are going to be awesome. There is no use spending a single second thinking otherwise.
(I say this having been a doula for a couple of years. I’ve seen women of all different shapes and sizes and varieties of health issues birth triumphantly and powerfully. It works. And you are going to KICK ASS.)
34. ali | August 13th, 2008 at 11:04 am
i got a tick one year at camp. i feel your pain.
35. Regina | August 13th, 2008 at 11:28 am
WOW! Have i missed a lot! First congratulations ( i know i am behind the times here!) YEAHY!!!!! Second, yuck ticks… and i have no assvice for you on on that, just yuck. Third, i can only imagine your lawn, it hasn’t stopping raining for what seems like a month, oh wait i think it has rained the whole last month! Forth, *shudder* anal rippage it sounds like a gay porn gang bang (sorry for that image).
36. H | August 13th, 2008 at 12:25 pm
Step away from Google, it is not your friend.
I won’t share the horrifying story but let me give you one piece of valuable advice that I wish I had been given — use stool softeners after you deliver. I gave birth to two babies (not at the same time – 3 years apart) and the only thing that caused an anal fissure was the constipation afterward. I was always afraid I’d cause some kind of damage to my stitches (one C-section, one VBAC) so I was afraid to poop. Let me tell you, that is not a good idea. As long as you poop, you’ll be fine!
37. Kelly | August 13th, 2008 at 12:36 pm
OMG. A Jesca Hoop fan. That lady is all kinds of wonderful. I’ve never heard anyone bring her up, so I’m thrilled to find someone else who appreciates her.
Also, anal tearing. So unfair. Not only does birth have to hurt, we also have to risk damage to our pink bits or abdomens. Me? I have some lovely c-section muffin top, that, unless I nab a complimentary surgery on ‘Before and After,’ will always grace my body. But, like Shelly said above, there are plenty of women who push out a baby with nary a rip or tear. Let that be your mantra!
And I’m sorry to pimp out my blog like this, but I want to share my family’s personal tick horror story:
http://childisborn.blogspot.com/2007/05/two-medical-journeys-in-pictures.html
38. Emily | August 13th, 2008 at 1:22 pm
Ok, ok..ok wait. I have never given birth, but how in the HELL does natural childbirth prevent anal tearing? What was she doing the first time and how can I aviod it?
39. jonniker | August 13th, 2008 at 1:25 pm
Emily: She’d had an epidural and didn’t feel that she was uh, pushing the wrong way, RIPPING HER SPECIAL POOPING AREA apart.
40. Mauigirl52 | August 13th, 2008 at 1:29 pm
Hypochondriac that I am (on your behalf in this case) I looked up the tick-Lyme disease issue as regards pregnancy and it sounds as if you’ll be just fine! Just take the antibiotics as a precautionary measure – it won’t hurt the baby – and don’t worry about a thing. At least not about ticks.
Anal ripping, yes. Worry about that and avoid it. At all costs.
41. Sadie | August 13th, 2008 at 1:36 pm
AGAIN, I call bullshit on this poor person’s doctor, because HELLO, can’t they tell when someone is pushing WRONG ENOUGH to DESTROY THEIR SPECIAL POOPING AREA?! My God.
42. Amy K | August 13th, 2008 at 3:06 pm
Oh God, the tearing is my biggest fear. I’ve been reading a blog called Her Bad Mother, and after the recent and traumatic birth of the author’s second child, she’s been referring to her shredded nether regions as Frankenvulva. Fourth degree tear. Kill. Me. Now. I was dumb enough to Google this sort of thing, and discovered that you can also tear forward instead of backward, into your, uh, SPECIAL PEEING AREA. Must avoid Google from now on.
43. Stacy | August 13th, 2008 at 7:55 pm
Gross. Ticks. I know.
In my 17th week of pregnancy which was just about a year ago I was bitten by my brother’s PET (WTF?) SNAKE. I am utterly terrified by snakes. I do not like snakes. They belong in nature. Where I cannot see them. Anyway, brother was out of the country and I was babysitting the snake and I had to feed her and to make this whole bad story short, I confused her and it was all my fault because my hand smelled like food and I waved it in front her face all here snakey snakey come bite my pregnant ass! I digress …
I did a precautionary round of antibiotics too. And yes, urgh. The stomach side-effects. I did take a pro-biotic too, recommended by the pharmacist, and it did ward off some of the diarrhea and um, antibiotic-fueled yeast infection. It was a little tiny taste-less pill that went down without any feeling of swallowing more than water. Easier than choking down YOGURT, you know, at a time when the thought of drinking can make you gag.
I cannot speak to anal-tearage as I had planned a very natural calm birth with my midwife and after some meconium-ridden broken water and the inability to dilate past two centimeters, I had a C-Section.
Also, at week 20 I had poison ivy so bad I couldn’t move my arm for a week and at week 31 I was exposed to Whooping Cough!
P.S. The baby is fine. Chubby thighs, but fine!
44. Amie | August 13th, 2008 at 9:24 pm
HOLY CRAP, the one time I don’t’ check here for a few days and I MISSED your big announcement. CONGRATULATIONS!! I’m sure you’ll put a whole new wonderful spin on the joys of pregnancy and I can’t wait to read all about it.
hooray for Jonna & Adam (except for that tick part)
45. Katie | August 14th, 2008 at 6:27 am
Wait, there’s anal tearing too? No one told me about any of that! Add that to the list of things to consider before getting pregnant!
46. Maggy | August 14th, 2008 at 6:59 am
What compels people to tell their awful birth stories? I had a great birth. My water broke when I was out to dinner. With my father in law. (My husband was there, but he was away from the table at the time.) After that, it was all smooth sailing. As ZestyJenny said, your body is capable of this, and you are going to KICK ASS.
47. Jessica | August 14th, 2008 at 3:45 pm
I am delurking to say OMG you’re pregnant! For the past several months I will go weeks without reading any blogs and then think, “I bet this time Jonniker has found out she is pregnant,” and today I discover that you are!!! Congratulations from a woman who has never commented before but has been hoping and crossing fingers for you all this time.
48. velocibadgergirl | August 17th, 2008 at 8:44 am
There should be laws against:
1. ticks. HAAAAAATE.
2. making a pregnant chick move house
3. telling any kind of birth story that doesn’t involve puppies, unicorns, and bliss to anybody who is actually with child
49. Kristabella | August 20th, 2008 at 7:42 am
Dr. Google is THE WORST DOCTOR EVER. I was really tired recently, like exhausted, and I Googled my symptoms and apparently I was BLEEDING ON THE INSIDE.
I know people with kids want to share their birthing stories, but really, anal rippage should never be uttered. Especially at a lunch. I would like to go through life thinking childbirth is pain-free and the stork just delivers your baby and that I poop rainbows.
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