More Adventurous
August 14th, 2008
I can’t get enough orange juice. Do you have orange juice? Because if you do, I want mine AND yours. I gave a glass to a friend this afternoon and found myself selfishly eyeing her glass, worried that the two (2) half-gallons still in the fridge wouldn’t be enough and I’d later begrudge that one glass I gave up at 4 p.m.
In other news, I have Mutant Thumb, thanks to a mystery sting, and I’m starting to feel personally targeted by every insect in a five-thousand mile radius. Ticks? Check. Mosquitoes? Check. Mystery Insect? CHECK CHECK CHECK. Honestly, my right thumb is now twice the size of my left, and I am now considering a full-time job as a hitchhiker. It’s actually hilarious, not unlike Martin Short in “Pure Luck”, but on a very tiny scale. Behold! I shall crush you beneath my cartoon thumb!
And since I’m exhausted after a not-so-good day of a ridiculous amount of phone time and some high-quality puking, I’ll leave you ahead of schedule with a reminder that pregnancy is still as glamorous as ever:
What … what in the hell is that YELLOW THING that looks like it’s meant to … oh my God. I actually gasped when I opened up the package, because seriously WHAT IS THAT OH MY GOD?
(No seriously.)
Happy weekend! That’s really all I wanted to say.
*Rilo Kiley
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
37 Comments Add your own
1. terriwc | August 14th, 2008 at 7:48 pm
You are too funny and the humorous aspects of pregnancy that you touch on are hilarious. But the main question is Pulp or No Pulp in the O.J.
2. Susan | August 14th, 2008 at 7:58 pm
I had to eat a navel orange every single day for months when I was pregnant with my daughter three years ago. I haven’t had one since. The juice is good for you and baby- at least you’re not craving cigarette butts and chalk like I’ve heard some women do when pregnant (pica).
3. Kelley | August 14th, 2008 at 8:27 pm
Girl I will say this only once. Get thee some serious fibre. Cause I was addicted to the crack that is the juice of the orange and I needed the help of the friendly soothing wipe. But I did not heed the warning signs and DUDE!!! Trying to lay on the doctors table while he gets rid of the Gomers the size of a small child while carrying a small child is not easy.
Or elegant.
4. Jen | August 14th, 2008 at 8:28 pm
Oh yeah, I was ALL about the OJ during my first trimester. I HAD to have a large glass of it every night in order to hork down the giant horsepill prenatal vitamin. But now, drinking OJ at night gives me heartburn and acid reflex. Ah, yes. Yet another side effect of pregnancy you have to look forward to.
Thankfully, I’ve yet to experience the ‘rroids. Oy. Instead, I’ve been blessed with a repetitive case of BV. Panty liners are my salvation.
5. Maggy | August 14th, 2008 at 8:48 pm
Nothing but sympathy from me. I know I have hemorrhoid ointment somewhere in my bathroom, but where? (ooh, I spelled “hemorrhoid” correctly the first time) I have orange juice in my fridge. Come to Ohio!
6. slynnro | August 14th, 2008 at 8:49 pm
Yeah, I get those due to my digestive ailments. And I’m not even getting a baby out of the deal (not that I want one, but you know what I’m sayin….)
7. houndrat | August 14th, 2008 at 8:57 pm
Oh, just ye wait. Those ‘roids you got now are only the pygmy relatives to the ones that come from straining to push a human skull out of parts that are nary a tenth of the size. So get to know them now.
And one thing I never knew about childbirth? Your private parts swell down to your knees. Seriously. Something the books fail to tell you, but would be nice to know. So that you don’t scream the first time you try to sit on the toilet after delivery, only to find your special bits are actually in the water.
8. Fiona Picklebottom | August 15th, 2008 at 2:57 am
Somehow, that’s the one pregnancy pain in the ass (literally) I managed to escape, so I have no idea what that thing is. Some kind of applicator? I rocked the nausea and heartburn, though.
9. AndreAnna | August 15th, 2008 at 4:09 am
I loved OJ too, but soon your friend known as Incubator Hellfire will visit, and anything with acid in it will seemingly sear your esophagus so much, you’ll swear you must have a visible hole from the outside.
Enjoy your OJ now.
Which prenatals do you take? My OB prescribed ones with Omegas and Colace in them and my er, ass issues went away.
Prenate Elite or Advance or something…
10. Sadie | August 15th, 2008 at 5:04 am
Ha! Martin Short in Pure Luck! I made that very reference earlier in the week after my boyfriend got stung by a wasp and his foot swelled up to elephantine proportions. He just glared at me. But your thumb! That is a pretty funny place to get stung and develop gigantic oversized fun-time allergy limb. Even Cowgirls Get the Blues! (Tom Robbins, you are gross.)
11. JenK | August 15th, 2008 at 5:09 am
Ack. I had no clue prepH came with a mini dildo. Who would have thunk all those old guys were getting up to some kinky stuff?
12. jonniker | August 15th, 2008 at 5:09 am
AndreaAnna: I take a combo reg. pregnatal with a SEPARATE one for omegas, which is so creepy, as it’s just this translucent thing full of FISH OIL. No colace. No stool softeners. I was robbed!
Also, to all, uh, oh my God? Can we just … let me experience pregnancy in a relative state of ignorance as each step hits me? MUST WE WARN OF PRIVATES DOWN TO KNEES OH MY HELL? (KNEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS)
(I’m kidding, because I totally get the urge to share, because when else will you have the opportunity? Dinner parties? I THINK NOT.)
13. ali | August 15th, 2008 at 5:15 am
WHAT?
i’ve had three kids. but i have never seen anything like that!
(are you supposed to stick that up your butt? what? seriously?)
(i’m dying)
(i’m dead)
14. birdgal | August 15th, 2008 at 5:25 am
Down to your KNEES?! Well, I certainly had some, uh, hard pushing w/my first and THAT certainly didn’t happen! I mean, there was swelling in the nether-regions (to be expected after pushing a human through your hooha), but nothing like that. I really wouldn’t worry too much about it! (I can hear your HA! all the way down here in NC….)
15. anne | August 15th, 2008 at 5:47 am
Ditto what Slynnro said. So that being said – try the warm bath, Witch Hazel, chamomile tea and even Aloe Vera. This hippy shit should be easy to come by in Vermont and is much less invasive than the do-hickey you got up there. Also works to prevent them in the future.
16. diane | August 15th, 2008 at 5:48 am
thank you for making me feel okay about not being pregnant right now.
So, that’s an applicator, of sorts?
17. jonniker | August 15th, 2008 at 5:53 am
Anne: The pads are witch hazel and … I’m afraid we’ve moved beyond homeopathic remedies, as we’ve uh, been there. Although please note, I am not using the doohickey. That’s for (OMG) INTRARECTAL USE. (I LOOKED IT UP.)
18. Jess | August 15th, 2008 at 8:08 am
You and I had the exact same thought process when we saw the yellow thing. Except it was probably worse for you.
19. Val | August 15th, 2008 at 8:10 am
AHHH! You are KILLING me! I know you aren’t having a joyous experience with even the thought of using an, um, applicator, but damn this is a humorous take on the joys of growing a baby.
20. Megan | August 15th, 2008 at 8:19 am
Jonna, I am not laughing AT you, but OMG LMAO. Seriously. WTF is that thing (and WHY am I typing like a 13 year old on a cell phone???)?
Fiber One cereal. Swear to god. The raisin bran one is yummeh.
21. Jakki | August 15th, 2008 at 8:21 am
LOL..oh sweetie..hugs coming your way!
22. Kristin | August 15th, 2008 at 8:34 am
The mini dildo! That KILLED me!
I had to have milk. Gallons and gallons of milk. Also, Dannon vanilla yogurt with chocolate chips in it. My mouth would water just thinking about it every day.
23. Danielle-lee | August 15th, 2008 at 9:16 am
What the hell is that thing? I don’t even want to think about it! Forget that thing!
MMMmmmm, I always crave orange juice when I’m really thirsty. I can’t imagine having that craving when I was pregnant too. Oh hell! I’d turn into an orange!
24. moo | August 15th, 2008 at 11:20 am
pregnancy is so glamorous. I bet you had NO IDEA all the fun you had to look forward to (just wait until you poop on the table. Super!)
25. the new girl | August 15th, 2008 at 3:30 pm
AAAAAAHHHH HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!
No. Way.
Here’s the ONLY assvice (pardon it, PARDON) that I give to every pregnant woman that I see. Get yourself some Culturelle Probiotic. Get it now. They sell it at CVS and it is a MIRACLE. Just a probiotic that’s good for the gut and works, works, WORKS.
26. SoCalCarol | August 15th, 2008 at 4:15 pm
Watch out for that OJ. I once drank so much that I thought I had a raging bladder infection. What I had was to much acid from the darn juice.
27. Anne L. | August 15th, 2008 at 6:04 pm
Oh yeah, the OJ. I could easily polish off a 1/2 gallon a night, with a side of the extra big bag of Doritos. That was my major pregnancy craving. Also, have you tried glycerine suppositories? Um, I *hear* that they work really well. Ahem.
28. Stacy | August 15th, 2008 at 8:24 pm
Internal application?
Seriously, those Tucks wipey-pad things are NICE.
29. SHamelessly Sassy | August 15th, 2008 at 10:02 pm
I’m very late with this, but congratulations! on the pregnancy..not the ‘roids.
30. winterwheat | August 16th, 2008 at 6:03 am
I craved citrus fruits too, anything sour, really. Didn’t have constipation until after my c-section, and found that the only thing that helped was a daily gallon of water (seriously, I filled a gallon jug and forced myself to drain it daily). Enemas work too. They’re disgusting — much scarier to look at than that yellow thing — but they work. Sorry to be gross, but here are the deets: your lower intestine absorbs water from your poop so it comes out more or less solid, but still wet of course. When your metabolism is kicked up and you’re peeing and sweating out all your water, there’s almost nothing left, so the poop just sits there and refuses to come out, like a dry booger that must be extracted by tweezers. (TMI??) Drinking extra water — or forcing it up your butt with an enema (and I’ll let you choose the more pleasant of those two options) — is your best bet. (((((((((J)))))))))
31. Carolyn J. | August 16th, 2008 at 4:16 pm
HA! I’ve been there ladies, and I’ve never been pregnant. At least there’s an end in sight (pun intended) for y’all. The steps are as follows:
1. Screw yellow thing onto tube.
2. Insert.
3. Squeeze.
3. Breathe sigh of relief.
If you can’t do it, you’re not in enough flaming, itching pain yet.
32. Leane | August 16th, 2008 at 4:54 pm
ahh this is late-i was on vacation and just now reading. I was bit by a tick this summer too. Freaked me OUT.
33. houndrat | August 16th, 2008 at 5:00 pm
Well, all I’m saying is it’s all fun and games until you’re forced to stick potato slices where the sun don’t shine. Yes, I said potatoes. Unfortunately, I had the mother of all hemorrhoids with my second child, so I am now more intimately acquainted with potatoes than I am with my husband.
And I swear—TO MY KNEES. Or at least it felt that way.
34. Kristi | August 16th, 2008 at 6:54 pm
I have had 2 kiddos and OMG your commenters are scaring the absolute bejesus out of me!!
I will say that all that vitamin C will…uh….soften that stuff right up! Good luck with this most pleasant stage of pregnancy.
35. dissed | August 17th, 2008 at 10:49 am
Oh yeah. I pounded the orange juice, glass after glass, jug after jug. I ate an entire watermelon, a large one, over the sink. I felt no shame.
36. erica | August 18th, 2008 at 3:57 am
good god i just saw this picture. my heart goes out to you.
37. Kristabella | August 20th, 2008 at 7:44 am
“What … what in the hell is that YELLOW THING that looks like it’s meant to … oh my God. Because seriously WHAT IS THAT OH MY GOD?”
THAT is exactly what I thought when I saw that photo. And my other thought was “thank God they have the wipes.”
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