Life Within a Life
August 27th, 2008
I feel like I’ve just returned from some insane acid trip, complete with unbelievable highs, bizarre, sucker-punch lows and general surreality (totally a word) all around. If the houses melted into a pool of white chocolate, then miraculously appeared as though nothing had happened, I would have merely chalked it up to a laced prenatal vitamin.
I’ve been away again, this time in Pennsylvania for an engagement party of a childhood friend and a long visit with my parents. It was sort of my father’s greatest dream AND worst nightmare rolled into one — hooray! His daughter is pregnant! But wait! He’s a gourmet cook and all she wants is cereal! — because he couldn’t even cook for himself. I’m sure he has fond memories of me screeching “OH MY GOD NO. NO BASIL. NO. IS THAT TOMATO SAUCE? OH MY GOD,” while I lurched into the bathroom. My poor, poor dad.
Anyway, despite the lurching, I am feeling a bit better, which is leading to fears that I am no longer pregnant. This is somewhat ridiculous, considering that I am now wearing maternity pants, because I woke up on Sunday morning looking a bit puffy around the middle and now look like I’ve taken up an unfortunate habit of eating dozens of donuts in my spare time. Although given the fact that my mom made three kinds of pie, this isn’t unreasonable.
The first dose of surreal came while sitting around the table with my best childhood friends Matt and Charlie — people I’ve known since I was TEN — while I held my friend Matt’s newborn and laughed as he told me about birth from the male perspective (“The smell, dude. Jonna, THE SMELL,” he said, as his wife emphatically nodded along. “Matt is not over the smell and may never be.” I am now afraid of smells).
I mean, I sat there in Matt’s mother’s backyard pregnant, holding Matt’s BABY while talking to Charlie about his new marriage and plans for kids. So much about it could have been happening in 1985 — we could have still been ten-year-olds, laughing about bad movies and making fun of each other, while his mom served us lemonade — but it wasn’t, and we’re different and it was all absurdly “Sunrise, Sunset” and oh my God, what the hell, I’m an ADULT and PREGNANT and my friends have KIDS, what the HELL.
Whenever I hear that children need siblings, if only to have a witness to their childhood and help support each other as their parents age, I can’t help but think of these guys. I mean, these people still know me better than I sometimes know myself and vice versa and … well. I think we make our own families, even when our own aren’t necessarily deficient. It also gives me hope that if I have a girl — one of my biggest fears, by the way — maybe two little boys will befriend her in fifth grade and stay friends with her for her entire life, shielding her from all the drama and other crap everyone else complains they experienced in high school. (I had none. And it’s because of them.)
The insanity continued while maternity shopping with my mom, when I kept holding clothes up or trying them on saying things like, “But this is HUGE,” and her retorting, “Yes, but what do you think is going to HAPPEN TO YOU?” and I’ve gone up a whole band AND cup size and oh my God, I’m PREGNANT and it’s all very freaky and thrilling, but at the same time, a little upsetting. I mean, yes, there is the usual anxiety about the whole thing, but I also have to confess that I’m a little uncomfortable being pregnant around my parents because I don’t like them having concrete evidence that I’ve had …. *whisper* sex. Hello, I’m TWELVE.
It gives me the creeps, I don’t know why (see: TWELVE), despite the fact that I know that THEY had sex to have me — well, at least my bio dad and bio mom did. They’re no longer together. The set of parents I refer to here are the paternal side. I have a mom and dad on my maternal side too. And aren’t I so very modern and comfy with divorce and stepparents! Whee!
On the bad side of surreal, I’ve spent a lot of time over the last several days reeling from what’s happened to Lawyerish’s beautiful little girl. I wish there was a stronger word than … sucks, but I don’t think there’s a word that exists for such horror. I still believe that the world is mostly magical and wonderful, but sometimes it’s just shittastic and wholly unfair, like getting kicked in the gut over and over and over again.
I hope you have a great day. For my part, I have an ultrasound on Thursday, where I hope they’ll be an actual baby in there and not, say, a puppy or a cricket.
*Jesca Hoop
27 Comments Add your own
1. Jen | August 27th, 2008 at 5:21 pm
Oh yeah, I had those backasswards thoughts, too, that if I’m feeling better, well then surely I must not be pregnant anymore. But I’m pretty positive that you’ve just reached the point at the end of the first trimester where you’re finally starting to see the light at the end of the puke tunnel. I instantly felt relief when I saw my baby on my 12-week ultrasound, and I bet you will, too.
Don’t even get me started on maternity clothes, though. Just … ugh.
Also: mmm, PIE.
2. mar | August 27th, 2008 at 6:09 pm
i just happened to read lawyerish’s blog while perusing your bloglist & waiting for another post from you. my only response was ‘oh.’
and i am certain that i will be similarly disbelieving if/when i ever get pregnant. i’ll be 30 in less than 6 months & i cannot fathom it any time in the near future.
can’t wait for the ultrasound post!
3. willikat | August 27th, 2008 at 6:11 pm
um, the smell? help me out here. bad? really bad?
4. Swistle | August 27th, 2008 at 6:12 pm
The….smell?
5. jonniker | August 27th, 2008 at 6:14 pm
I don’t know about the smell either! I don’t know! And I don’t even think she pooped on the delivery table!
I was hoping you’d all enlighten me. It was more … I don’t know, they BOTH marveled at the smell, but he is apparently traumatized.
6. the new girl | August 27th, 2008 at 6:14 pm
I don’t get the smell thing either. I absolutely remember NO smell and I pretty much remember smelling EVERYTHING within a 5 mile radius.
You also reminded me of that feeling of see-throughness that I felt when I was pregnant. Like, vulnerable and obvious and uncomfortable. I had forgotten about that.
But I’m sure that I didn’t forget a crazy smell.
7. Leah | August 27th, 2008 at 6:30 pm
First, who talks to a first trimester pregnant lady about smells? WHO?
Second, now I’m terrified about the smell too, but after reading several “what smell?” comments, I’m now just going to believe that you have smelly friends with smelly wives.
Third, today I wore a maternity shirt that, when I first got it (hand-me-down), I may have ridiculed because I? Will never fit into that. Okay, maybe in the last week of the last trimester, and only when the baby has his legs stretched out in front of him, but certainly never at 24.5 weeks, for crying out loud. Hey, you know what tastes great? Crow.
8. jonniker | August 27th, 2008 at 6:39 pm
I think, after further conclusion, that the smell might be the period-like smell that we’re all so used to, but men are not? Maybe? I mean, she didn’t have an infection or anything funky (we discussed), so maybe he’s … sensitive? I DO NOT KNOW.
9. Anyabeth | August 27th, 2008 at 6:46 pm
I think they are totally talking about the smell of blood. It really is no big thing (and believe me you don’t care at that point like AT ALL) but if you are a guy and wired up delicate that way. Well maybe it is a wee bit traumatic (though seriously sack up).
I still feel a little skeeved out that everyone knew I had sex which I was pregnant and well now that she is here they see the evidence all the time. There is just something very odd about your dad being so proud you did the hoopty you know? We all have a silent pact to pretend that really she comes from outer space.
10. Angella | August 27th, 2008 at 8:16 pm
The puppy/cricket comment made me laugh. I did not know the sex of any of my three babies until they were born.
Strangers would *always* ask me what I was having. I would tell them that I was pretty sure that it was a BABY, and not a puppy or a kitten.
11. TwoBusy | August 28th, 2008 at 4:44 am
(crossing fingers for a puppy. I like puppies.)
12. Amanda | August 28th, 2008 at 4:50 am
I liked your comments about siblings. That’s a tough one – do you give your child a brother or sister? As a semi-only child (half brothers are much older than me), I grew up as the only kid in the house. And my best friends were my “siblings.” And now my bffs are my true sisters. So I totally know what you mean – and Matt and Charlie sound just awesome as friends.
But I understand thinking about the future, too, and wanting your child to have siblings when they get old…
13. Christine | August 28th, 2008 at 5:06 am
Smell, eh? I’m guessing just the bloody iron period smell, right? God.
But really, I don’t even know Lawyerish and my god, I am so sad over the situation. I don’t know if it’s because Tony and I plan on actively adopting one or two kids, or just because my god I cannot imagine something so terrible, but it really hit me. Tell her we’re rooting for her. And no there isn’t a better word than “sucks.”
14. Shelly | August 28th, 2008 at 5:39 am
Well, I thought maybe I didn’t know about the smell because I had two c-sections, but Swistle was baffled by that as well, so it isn’t just me. I wouldn’t worry too much about it. Besides, if you’re having a puppy things might all be different.
15. Jess | August 28th, 2008 at 6:13 am
I DIDN’T KNOW THERE WAS A SMELL. One more thing to add to my list of fears. ARGH.
16. Kristin H | August 28th, 2008 at 6:25 am
Oh my gosh, I TOO was totally afraid I would have a girl when I was first pregnant! And I vividly remember standing in the lobby of the doctor’s office on the phone with my husband, whispering through tears, “We’re having a baby girl!” I was both happy and terrified: afraid my daughter and I would have all the same problems my mom and I had, yet so happy to be having a baby.
What I mean is, I hear you. But it’s good. It really is.
17. erez | August 28th, 2008 at 6:25 am
Maternity pants- “Fisherman pants as a maternity pants”
.Because the butterfly and fisherman’s pants sit low on the waist, they don’t interfere with the Mother’s growing belly ~ They feel so feminine, you will still feel quite sexy all the way through your pregnancy.
18. claire | August 28th, 2008 at 6:45 am
How funny that you’re uncomfortable being pregnant around your parents. I love that – i could just imagine feeling the same way. Anyabeth’s comment sums it up – “something very odd about your dad being so proud you did the hoopty”. Too funny.
19. Katie | August 28th, 2008 at 7:31 am
I kow exactly what you mean! When I got married, I felt like, “Oh my gosh, now they’re going to know I’m definitely having sex!” I can only imagine that pregnancy is a confirmation of that!
20. Katie | August 28th, 2008 at 7:33 am
P.S. Re: the smell. My cousin is a nurse and when she did her L&D rotation, she got to assist with the birth. She told me the smell of the placenta stayed with her all day. So maybe that’s what they were referring to?
21. Susan C | August 28th, 2008 at 8:05 am
I had two kids via c-section, but have no recollection of smell during the deliveries. However, after not being able to shower for a couple days due to the surgery, I became a bit smelly myself. If you have a chance to bathe before going into the hospital- do it!
22. -R- | August 28th, 2008 at 8:18 am
My baby class teacher said that the delivery room ends up smelling really bad, but the mom doesn’t usually notice because she doesn’t usually leave the room. She told all the dads to bring smelly chapstick, like Carmex, and put it on their upper lips if they leave the room and come back in (so that they smell Carmex instead of… whatever the delivery room smells like).
23. Sarah | August 28th, 2008 at 8:39 am
The smell – funny, I never heard anyone talk about it before I had a baby, and yet I can agree with the comment. Yes it is like the period smell, but about a million times worse (maybe because you can’t use tampons). To me, it wasn’t during the delivery, but afterwards for a couple of weeks. It was pretty gross. But I don’t think my husband noticed, he never said.
24. Gaby | August 28th, 2008 at 9:27 am
Sweet Jesus, I did not want to know about smells! But now that it’s out there, I feel like I can share a story somewhat related (“somewhat” used loosely here): My husband and I were watching “Dirty Jobs,” and Mike Rowe (mmm) was helping deliver calves. My husband, country boy that he is, said, “I’ve done that. Many times. It smells pretty terrible.” And I nodded, figuring that cows smell normally, so they probably do smell when delivering, sure, that makes sense.
And NOW? Now I discover that humans smell too! Guh. No good.No good at all.
25. Shelly | August 28th, 2008 at 12:24 pm
Ok, the smell. I don’t remember a smell when son #1 was born, but I certainly do for son #2. It’s not horrible, but reminicent of the last day of your period….just kind of rank and YUKKY…..something you don’t necessarily want to share with ANYONE?
I also don’t remember the smell while delivering, but more so on the baby……he was wiped up, but not bathed, and his hair had that, well, distasteful smell……I smelled it the other day, and thought first of all “ick”…I HATE THIS…..then I thought….hmmmm, that’s what Carter smelled like when he was born………your period and your son in one thought process seems a little……..weird, ya know? Sorry for the TMI.
My best friend also noticed it on him, and she was there during the delivery and didn’t mention it during the PROCESS….just on the kid…….
But think about it…..you shed that stuff EACH MONTH and suddenly it’s all trapped up in there WITH A BABY for 9+ months….it’s bound to be not so savory. Sorry Jonna if that makes you ‘lurch’.
But that would be the only smell I could think of……….even the poop is cleaned up pretty quickly by nurses, so it isn’t lingering too much……
26. Shelly | August 28th, 2008 at 12:28 pm
Whoops. So much for name anonymity on the web.
Sorry about that.
27. Kristabella | September 2nd, 2008 at 5:15 pm
I’m going to guess that every pregnant person has had these same feelings. I’m not pregnant but my best friend (and best drinking buddy) is and I just think about how we are so grown up and why can’t we go back to the days of sitting in bars for 12 hours watching college football? Why do we have to be old and have jobs?
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