Mouthwash
September 3rd, 2008
Jenny mentioned the other day that she was the last person on earth to see Lars and the Real Girl, but alas, that distinction belongs to me, as I didn’t see it until last night. It was adorable and very well done, and I’m so glad I saw it (Gosling!), but I have to admit the reason I’d been avoiding it is because of the whole RealDoll issue, which still grosses me out, and you know that whole documentary thing I talked about in January. Oy. The mere mention of a RealDoll (TM) sends me into a strange sense of ick, and wild Googling to figure out WHAT THE HELL people are doing with these things (hint: they aren’t as demure as Lars!) and WHY, like it’s a puzzle that demands a solution. It’s disgusting, yet compelling. This led me to the uh, Teddy Babes site, home of the vaginal insert known as the Pussy Velour.
I totally didn’t make that last bit up, I swear.
Anyway! In other People magazine news I’ve been meaning to discuss, there is a woman who is ball-ass terrified of BANANAS. I know this shouldn’t be funny, I mean, she’s genuinely skeeved by them, but the accompanying photo of her with her back to the banana aisle, all cock-eyed and suspicious-looking is just so funny. Bananas! She’s even afraid of people DRESSED as bananas, of which there are a surprising amount. It just opens up an entire can of fruit-based fears. Do you think there are people afraid of strawberries?
And now for a list of very random things which are entirely unrelated, but either thrill, confuse, or bother me immensely.
- I made The Pioneer Woman’s peach crisp again yesterday (the first time was with Lawyerish last summer), and I hate to say this, but I don’t think I have the same tastebuds that Ree has. I really like her, and her recipes always sound so DIVINE, but they never pan out as I hope they would. They’re always just a little too much — a little too much butter (yes, there is such a thing), a little too much meat, a little too much cheese, a little too much sugar. The peach crisp, for example, when made precisely to her proportions, leaves a startling crumb-to-peach ratio that’s a little too buttery-sweet for me (!!) and Jesus, let me tell you, it does NOT need that maple cream sauce, for it’s already plenty rich. I’ve taken to pouring milk over it to cut it a little.
- Shampoo and conditioner is sold in the wrong proportions, at least for my taste. I realize I have wicked short hair, but I use at least one and a half times the amount of shampoo as I do conditioner. Why so big, conditioner?
- Speaking of short hair, since Katie Holmes cut her hair in a pixie, there’s been a great deal of misinformation about the products needed for very short hair and how to style it (I’m looking at you again, People). I won’t bore you with the details, as there are very few of you to whom this applies, but GOD, just let me say that they advise far too many products and they’re always the wrong ones. I’m no Whoorl, but I know how to style a short haircut and what to ask for and my God, how to talk to your stylist about COLORING IT without disaster. And they are ALWAYS WRONG. ALL THE TIME. Because they’ve never had short hair. I could so be a successful short hair consultant. Ask me, Cosmo! People! Allure! I KNOW SHORT HAIR. STOP SPREADING LIES.
- My boobs are peeling. Like, in sheets, as though I’d baked them in the sun for too long, which I haven’t. (No topless beaches for this pregnant lady.) Apparently it’s a side effect of their rapid growth. which: OMG. I’d like to also note that thanks to my continued adversarial relationship with food that isn’t pie or apples (ick! food!), my weight gain has remained steadily at almost nothing, despite the appearance of these mysteriously large peely beings AND the fact that my midsection now looks as though I spend my free time belly up at the bar sucking down Guinness drafts. Oh, and nothing fits. So what the hell, body? Where is it coming from? Why aren’t my thighs skinnier then? How about my arms? I could totally do with some smaller arms.
(Note: I am not worrying about or watching my weight in the slightest. Au contraire. If I wasn’t hurling and hating food, you’d best believe I’d be kicking back and enjoying without guilt. But if it’s going to redistribute, I’d at least like a say in where it COMES FROM.)
And uh, with that, I hope y’all have a great Thursday! Full of non-peely chestal regions!
(P.S., thank you Joan Vennochi)
*Kate Nash. I use it because I’ve come up with an entire verse about my boobs, which is … well, ridiculous. “These. Are my Boobs. Peely and scary, they are swo-oh-oh-llen.” Am so going to be award-winning lyricist some day.
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
50 Comments Add your own
1. Emily | September 3rd, 2008 at 6:16 pm
Sigh. I wish I wasn’t worrying about my weight, but I have already grown out of some of my MATERNITY PANTS. And not in the belly area, obv. More like the ASS and THIGHS sections.
It bothers me, but not enough to stop eating ice cream. Or cheeseburgers. Or handfuls of cookies and six-packs of caffeine-free grape soda. (MMMMMMMMM GRAPE SODA)
2. anne | September 3rd, 2008 at 6:19 pm
I feel the same way about PW and I came to the conclusion that they have all the fresh outdoor air and they spend so much time working in the field, etc. and I spend my time with secretary ass that I have grown out of the need for extra meat or cheese or butter whereas they need it to survive. Or some Darwinian explanation.
Speaking of something related – I have long and thick hair and still feel a huge imbalance with the shampoo and conditioner something akin the hot dog/hot dog bun issue.
3. Nothing But Bonfires | September 3rd, 2008 at 6:33 pm
I JUST this minute DVR-ed a documentary on men and RealDolls on BBC America. I bet it’s the same one you were talking about. In which case, I’m wondering if I should even watch it?
Also, YES on the conditioner! My conditioners last for MONTHS AND MONTHS, through at least two new purchases of shampoo. See, this is why I love you, Jonna. You always make me feel normal.
4. Caitlin | September 3rd, 2008 at 6:35 pm
You are not alone with your opinion of Ree’s recipes. I made her sweet potatoes and they were DEE-VOINE (as is her Asian Noodle Salad ZOMFG FTW…..zzzzzLURVE) but I’ve heard that some of the other stuff……not so much. For the same reasons you mentioned. I still love her though, I can’t help myself.
I am on the opposite end of the spectrum for hair products: There is NEVER enough conditioner in the world to quench my long curly hair. It’s almost as if I am carrying around an annex of the Sahara atop my noggin. Say, we should get together in some kind of ratio-correcting conditioner exchange program.
5. Nothing But Bonfires | September 3rd, 2008 at 6:35 pm
Uhhhh, I mean because we do the same things! And if you’re normal, I’m normal! I clarify because I would hate to think you thought I meant like “hmm, you make me feel normal BY COMPARISON, YOU WEIRDO,” which is kind of how it jumped out at me when I read it back to myself. After I’d published it, of course.
6. jonniker | September 3rd, 2008 at 6:36 pm
OMG HA HA, no. I totally knew what you meant. Also, you should watch that documentary, because it is RIVETING. RIVETING.
7. Anyabeth | September 3rd, 2008 at 7:04 pm
I think it might just be PW’s desserts that are too much. Because the simpler savory recipers (like her wings! and chicken pasta) are delightful.
8. slynnro | September 3rd, 2008 at 7:11 pm
The blurb that accompanies that banana photo? Is hilarious. I’m sorry. She thinks bananas are evil. That is not the same as say, fear of flying. MAY I BE IMMEDIATELY STRUCK DOWN BY A GROSSLY UNRATIONAL FEAR.
9. Sara | September 3rd, 2008 at 8:27 pm
I have the opposite shampoo/conditioner dilemma, to wit: I run out of conditioner like three weeks before I run out of shampoo. Long hair, short hair, doesn’t matter — the conditioner just vanishes. I suspect it’s because I only later up my roots with the shampoo, whereas I condition the hell out of the middle and ends of my hair, but it’s still annoying to buy a shampoo & conditioner set… and an extra conditioner. Which is what I do, to avoid mid-shower exclamations of SHIT FUCK DAMN I HAVE NO CONDITIONER! (It startles my kid, you know.)
So, uh. I could either start using shampoo in a more profligate manner, creating towers of suds atop my head or I could become more stingy with the conditioner, creating towers of tangled frizz below my ears. That first one sounds kind of fun, but I am too lazy. I think shampoo and conditioner should be sold in size ranges, so that you could buy, say, a 1A bottle of suds and a 3C tub of conditioner and have perfectly synchronized amounts. Haircare marketers in the house? Call me.
10. Amanda | September 3rd, 2008 at 9:26 pm
I always run out of conditioner first – also prepared to do a swap here on the shampoo to conditioner ratio!
11. Amy K | September 3rd, 2008 at 9:56 pm
My hair is coarse and tangles easily, so I always end up using more conditioner than shampoo. The older I get, the shorter my hairstyle keeps getting, though, so maybe I’ll one day achieve that perfect 1:1 ratio. No pregnancy peeling here yet (despite the 2+ cup sizes grown, my god), but the zits! ZITS EVERYWHERE. Hello, adolescence #2.
12. celebrate woo-woo | September 3rd, 2008 at 10:28 pm
Hi, am so very late with the congrats on the pregnancy announcement. I did move from southeast Virginia to northwest Washington in the meantime, so please excuse my tardiness and hear my shouts of CONGRATULATIONS many times over.
By the way, I am certain there is at least one person out in the world who is terrified of strawberries. And, I am sorry for them as well as the banana-phobe because that’s some delicious fruit to be missing out on.
13. Shelly | September 4th, 2008 at 4:25 am
See…I use way more CONDITIONER than I do shampoo…….my hair is frizzy, and I gues i overuse the product in HOPES it will tame the frizz…
Peeling boobs? You got me there……..never heard that before, although it does make perfect sense……
14. velocibadgergirl | September 4th, 2008 at 4:48 am
I haven’t seen Lars & the RG yet. It looks sweet, but the Real Dolls freak me out, esp. since my friend Leah once saw one online that looked EXACTLY like her. *shudder*
15. Sadie | September 4th, 2008 at 5:00 am
Who are these commenters who use so much conditioner?? I am right alongside you and Holly, in that I have had the same bottle of conditioner since June and have bought like three bottles of shampoo since then. Maybe the common theme here is short hair (mine is chin-length).
I completely agree with you about PW – the recipes look great (albeit heart attacks on plates) but every time I have attempted them I am a little disappointed. That crisp recipe had way too much butter and the lasagna made me feel sick. I bet they would be delicious recipes if I just used half of everything Ree tells me to.
16. Swistle | September 4th, 2008 at 5:03 am
I still haven’t seen Lars and the Real Girl, but I do have it in my extremely long Netflix queue somewhere.
17. TwoBusy | September 4th, 2008 at 5:32 am
Good thing that banana-phobia is completely free of Freudian overtones.
18. jonniker | September 4th, 2008 at 5:37 am
Anyabeth: OMG that chicken pasta spawned an entire evening of vomiting. GRAH. CHICKEN THIGHS OH NO NO NO.
19. Sadie | September 4th, 2008 at 6:04 am
wait Jonna are you talking about the ‘chicken spaghetti’ casserole thing? because OMFG that didn’t even *look* good, why would you make that??
20. jonniker | September 4th, 2008 at 6:06 am
Sadie, oh my God, no, I didn’t make either one. I was referring to the linguine with chicken thighs, which I almost vomited READING about, because again, OMFG CHICKEN THIGHS. DISGUSTING.
21. Gaby | September 4th, 2008 at 6:13 am
Yes, to Ree’s recipes. I keep trying different ones, and I keep getting disappointed. I even tried one of Pastor Ryan’s recipes (the mexican lasagna), and it too turned out kind of lame. The sad thing is, since that lasagna didn’t have any portions listed (because EVERYONE cooks for 35 people per meal!), I had to eyeball it, and I totally overestimated, so now I have a half a casserole pan of blah in my freezer since I feel guilty throwing that much food away. /purging of failures at PW cooking.
Thanks for letting me get that off my chest (oh, and speaking of chests, sorry to hear that your boobs are peeling–that adds yet another side effect of pregnancy that sounds less than fun).
22. H | September 4th, 2008 at 6:55 am
I had no idea there were people out there who use more conditioner than shampoo. When I read your post, I screamed YES, YES! and then I read the comments and said HUH????!!!! My hair is on the short side, granted, but I didn’t realize people with long hair would use enough to actually run out of conditioner. What an educational blog you have! But, for me, those 2 packs of shampoo and conditioner drive me crazy because they’re usually a great price per ounce but then you’re STUCK with more conditioner. I have 3 unopened conditioner bottles in my closet right now, thanks to those 2 pack sales.
I saw Lars and the Real Girl right after you posted about the RealDoll people (it was just a coincidence) so I had them racing through my head as I watched the movie.
23. Shelly | September 4th, 2008 at 7:16 am
I think Pussy Velour is the absolute grossest thing I have ever heard of. Although, it totally sounds like a Bond girl.
I saw the woman who’s afraid of bananas in People and thought it was hilarious! How odd.
I don’t believe in too much butter and even the suggestion of too much cheese is a sacrilege. But you’re pregnant, so I’ll forgive you.
And hell yeah on the too much conditioner. I have long hair, but it’s fairly oily (ie have to wash it every day or it looks like a grease pit), so I only use a tiny amount of conditioner each day. I bought one of the great big Aveda bottles of shampoo and conditioner and the conditioner has lasted through almost two bottles of shampoo.
24. Jess | September 4th, 2008 at 7:18 am
Maybe now you have skinny toes, or something. Or slim backs of your knees. Or something else useless!
25. Jamie | September 4th, 2008 at 7:32 am
I, too, belong to the opposite camp of hair product usage. I run out of conditioner LONG before I run out of shampoo. I blame this on the length and texture of my hair – since shampoo is meant only for scalp application, and conditioner for the shaft and ends of the hair, I end up using more conditioner. Curly hair will get you every time on the conditioner. I once stopped using conditioner and ended up looking like Bernadette Peters’ less attractive sister.
That said, I think peeling skin is a kind of disgusting obsession with me. Growing up, I’d get so many sunburns that peeling off the skin became hilarious and entertaining and compulsive, like picking off a scab. Only flakier. GAH. I gross myself out. I can’t believe I just admitted that.
26. Allison | September 4th, 2008 at 8:01 am
Okay, what IS the Pussy Velour thing? I’m afraid to click on it because I’m at work.
I thought the chicken spaghetti stuff was good. :X
27. ali | September 4th, 2008 at 8:20 am
YES! YES! i use about 3 bottles of shampoo to every one of conditioner. maybe even 4.
28. Jeanne B. | September 4th, 2008 at 8:23 am
RealDolls: and now there is a version for the ladies.
Bananaphobia: Um, I’m terrified, I mean literally paralyzed by fear, when confronted with large leaves such as Elephant Ears, Banana Trees, Burdock, Catalpa. Basically anything tropical or jungly. But I’m fine with ferns and willows. There is no explaining this. I live in the non-tropical Midwest, and someone had the audacity last year to imbue the city’s planters with Elephant Ears. (Yes, I avoided downtown like the plague and could hardly drive through it.)
There is no such thing as too much cheese or too many onions, IMHO. I haven’t tried any of PW’s recipes yet, but I’d sure love to trade lives with her for a good cowboy-filled day. She is surrounded by the yummiest men (and HORSES did I mention the HORSES?)!
29. Jeanne | September 4th, 2008 at 8:51 am
I always end up throwing out half full bottles of conditioner because I go through about 5 bottles of shampoo to 1 of conditioner and I’m ready to switch brands long before that (there can be no mixing of brands!).
I like the PW lasagna, but I cut the meat quantities way back. We didn’t much care for the Marlboro Man sandwich, it was just OK. We did, however, like the yogurt with blueberries and ate quite a bit of that this summer (ask my thighs, they’ll tell ya).
And, when I was PG my boobs peeled too, but not in sheets, just a whole lot of flaking (my sunburns don’t peel in sheets either).
30. Kristin H | September 4th, 2008 at 9:20 am
I’ve always thought everyone used up the conditioner before the shampoo! Am sheltered, apparently.
PW: I figure they must need the calories, since they’re roping cows and such all day. The rest of us, not so much.
31. ZestyJenny | September 4th, 2008 at 9:35 am
36C to 38DD.
OH MY F-ING GOD.
No peeling, though.
And yay for the negative weight gain. You’ll most likely need that wiggle room later. I did, anyway, I gained no weight for like the first 16 weeks, than all of a sudden at my 20 week appointment, there it was. But I was still in the normal range even though the 16-20 week gain was huge.
I am also one of those opposite weirdos. More conditioner than shampoo, always. And I have short hair.
32. Leah | September 4th, 2008 at 9:44 am
I don’t think I gained a pound before week 16 or so and then BAM, I’m a two-pounder-a-week girl now, and it’s mostly in the ass and thighs. I think I’d rather have peely boobs than cellulite sneaking around to the fronts of my legs, where I can SEE it, but unfortunately we don’t get to choose those things. (Can you imagine if we did?!)
33. Susan | September 4th, 2008 at 5:46 pm
I have shoulder length hair and wash it pretty much every day. My problem is that it takes forfreakingever to go through a full bottle of stuff and I just can’t bring myself to toss it until I’ve used the last drop. I think my last 10 oz shampoo and conditioner purchase was made sometime this year when there was snow and the ground and I’m still using it. I just want to try something new!
As for PW’s recipes, I’ve found some of them to be just ok, too. Her descriptions and instructions sell me every time, though, I think she’s a great writer.
34. Danell | September 4th, 2008 at 5:52 pm
Oh, I thought maybe I just was horrible in the kitchen because EVERY time I try one of PW’s recipes, I end up with that same disappointment ya’ll are mentioning. (Geez, I hope she doesn’t stumble across these comments! She seems so super nice!)
I’m in the Runs out of Conditioner First camp. Although, the older I get, the greasier I’m getting, so I’m using less.
I don’t have the peeling boobs either, but I’d certainly trade them for the horrific number of ZITS I’m getting…which I think I read another commenter is experiencing as well. ZITS EVERYWHERE. I mean, I’m embarrassed to be in public like this!! It’s disgusting!
35. Elizabeth | September 4th, 2008 at 8:03 pm
I had so much terrible gross peeling when I was pregnant, (also the firenips, but that’s another story) and the only thing that helped at all was Curel. Just slathered that stuff all over and the peeling stopped. And bonus, they make it unscented, so I didn’t want to ralph every time I walked by the bottle. Or thought of the bottle.
And no stretch marks, at all, so Bonus! Good luck!
36. derfina | September 4th, 2008 at 8:35 pm
Um. Hello? I can’t believe no one has brought this up. Your last post dated 9/1 stated you were sunburned. Last time my bubbies were burnt, they peeled in sheets too. I wasn’t preggers, mind you, but I add two and two and come up with four. Everyone likes a mystery, but this one doesn’t take Encyclopedia Brown to figger out. Love yer stuff, though!
37. Carolyn J. | September 4th, 2008 at 8:39 pm
As a short-hair lifer I can agree with you Jonna. What my hair needs is a small amount of really tough product, not a large quantity of weak product.
38. Gwen | September 5th, 2008 at 3:47 am
Now I want to know your short hair tips! My hair is the shortest it’s been in years, and I love it, but I have no idea what to do with it at all.
Also, the line of hair stuff I use puts conditioner in a smaller bottle than shampoo, and I still run out of shampoo first.
39. jonniker | September 5th, 2008 at 5:30 am
Derfina: Uh, I wasn’t burned … there, and I wasn’t burned badly enough to peel. I’m pretty sure I could have put that one together or I wouldn’t have brought it up. I was wearing a T-shirt that day.
40. Sadie | September 5th, 2008 at 6:29 am
I wish I was as SMRT as Derfina. And that I had ‘bubbies.’
41. winterwheat | September 5th, 2008 at 8:34 am
Dude, you’re not drinking anymore. You’ve lost the weekend alcohol bloat. You know, the one that gradually siphons off by Thursday, only to be completely replaced by Monday. Your boobs and belly are simply making up for that lost water weight.
42. How to Party with an Infant | September 5th, 2008 at 11:12 am
Bananas? How does she feel about Japanese eggplants? Or penises?
43. Kath | September 5th, 2008 at 4:57 pm
I am so glad you mentioned the PW recipe thing. I’m a pretty good but I’ve tried three and was disappointed. I think you guys have hit the nail on the head, there’s just too much of everything in them. What a relief to be able to confess. She has a great site (as do you) and is interesting (as are you) but the cooking? Those recipes are not for me. Thanks for letting me get that out there.
Oh and congrats on your baby.
44. chirky | September 7th, 2008 at 2:30 pm
First, I do not even know what Lars and the Real Girl is. What is that? A movie? A musical? A new Barbie?
Second, I disagree. Conditioner should be sold in LARGER bottles. I always run out of it before my shampoo. But I blame that on my long, thick hair. It needs the extra moisture, I think.
45. Nic | September 7th, 2008 at 2:30 pm
I’m so glad I’m not the only one who has experienced the fail of the PW recipe. I tried the Penne alla Betsy and it was meh, at best. I find them all to be heavy and not rely on flavor.
46. anon | September 8th, 2008 at 7:24 am
I’m a little…uncomfortable with the idea of linking to someone’s blog and then having a number of negative comments going on about said person. It just seems a little insensitive. I hope PW’s feelings aren’t hurt by this thread.
47. jonniker | September 8th, 2008 at 7:36 am
I like Ree quite a bit, as I said, I just don’t like a lot of her recipes, because we have different tastes. I would say the same about many of my friends — we have different tastes on things, but I still like them. If I were attacking her personally, I’d feel differently, but she sets herself up as a cookbook author, in a way. And I like many cookbook authors, but don’t like a lot of their recipes. I don’t think anyone said anything negative about her personally. She’s very well-liked.
People link to me all the time and say they don’t agree with me on certain things — in fact, it’s happened in the last two weeks. It doesn’t bother me. As long as you’re civil and polite about it (and my negative comments about chicken thighs are my personal feelings about chicken thighs specifically, and not any recipe including them. ANY recipe featuring photos of chicken thighs make me want to throw up directly on my shoes. Many people, including Ree and Smitten Kitchen, disagree with me on this. They think they are FLAVORFUL. And OMG, this pregnant person vomits at the thought), it’s perfectly fine with me. And if I were a cookbook author, I would feel the same. Not everyone has the same tastes in food.
Would it be as insensitive if I said the same about Jamie Oliver’s chicken, because he’s not a fellow blogger? Do you feel that way when Smitten Kitchen tries a recipe and it doesn’t work, and/or when she says that she has a hard time with Giada DeLaurentiis’s recipes?
48. anon | September 8th, 2008 at 7:51 am
OK–Thank you for clearing up your point of view on this. Like I said, I felt a little nervous about the thread, but this perspective helps.
49. Kristabella | September 11th, 2008 at 6:10 pm
I have to say, I’ve never made a PW recipe, but I read the same things from other people who make her recipes. They all say it never turns out like they thought.
Also, I always go through conditioner faster than shampoo because I have longer hair. So maybe we should trade or something.
50. Maria | September 14th, 2008 at 6:03 pm
I am just the opposite: I use more conditioner than shampoo. But I have long thick hair, so that could make the difference. How do you style short hair? I’m donating it for locks of love, so I need information on what to do!
Kate Nash? Is amazing. And Mouthwash is one of my favorites.
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