When You Wake Up Feeling Old
September 7th, 2008
Firstly, to anyone who recommended Diana Gabaldon’s Outlander series to me, I must heartily thank you. I feel vaguely dirty while reading it, as to be honest, it sort of smacks of only a slightly more intelligent bodice-ripper, but at the very least, it’s a well-told bodice ripper. I … I don’t know. All I know is that I’m having a hard time tearing myself away from what is the most ridiculous plot I could imagine encountering (involving 18th century Scotland, an absurd love “triangle” and … time travel? Riiight). This enjoyment is in spite of the fact that whenever anyone has sex, I am not titillated, as Gabaldon surely intended, but am instead slightly grossed out because all I keep thinking is, Ew! These people haven’t bathed in days and they’ve been sweating in dirty clothes, riding horses and … and … swordfighting (oh God, seriously, there is SWORDPLAY. It’s like a WORLD OF WARCRAFT scene come to life, sans wizardry) and there aren’t any toothbrushes to speak of, much less SOAP and … well. I’m happy I live in the age of running water and Aquafresh Extreme Clean, otherwise I think I’d have to be taken by force to produce an heir.
All of this reminds me that I’ve been meaning to tell you that there is a bodice-ripper in the checkout line at my local Hannaford’s called “The King and His Mighty Whores”. THE KING AND HIS MIGHTY WHORES. I’ve actually picked it up to see if it’s facetious in some way, but I’m afraid that no, no, it’s quite serious. It’s no secret that I’ve always wanted to be a novelist, but if someone said I could choose between being a world-famous bestselling author of “The King and His Mighty Whores” and the life I currently lead, that of freelance writer toiling in relative obscurity on things like sales proposals, marketing collateral and the ever-exciting Web site copy for all of eternity, I’d take obscure eternity for a thousand, Alex.
Anyway! This weekend was not the weekend in Syracuse attending some sort of Syracuse-caliber gala event (which is to say, uh, not Hollywood-y, like, at all), but rather that is next weekend. I think it speaks volumes to the state of Adam and me that when we found out that the gala portion of the evening would be taking place AFTER the movie at NINE THIRTY IN THE EVENING, we panicked, wondering how we would stay awake, much less remain standing in things like suits and high heels. There will be much yawning.
By the way, I’ll be wearing this dress with these shoes, which is the best I can do, I’m afraid. I’m not really showing, but I’m not really NOT showing, and I discovered that any non-maternity dress makes me look … well, fat, I’m sorry, there’s no other way to say it. I look PUDGY, whereas maternity dresses at least make me look SORT OF pregnant. Maybe. Oh hell, I don’t know. But I’ll be damned if I’m buying MATERNITY FORMAL WEAR, that much I’ll tell you.
Odd segue! While watching the VMAs, several things happened that completely disturbed me:
a) Lil Wayne’s pants? Down past his ass? I actually yelled, “PULL YOUR PANTS UP OH MY GOD!” Hello, I’m your grandmother. My kids are screwed.
b) I only knew who Lil Wayne WAS because they announced him. Ditto Russell Brand and the vast majority of the people present. Also, the Jonas Brothers made me laugh out loud, because really? They’re BREATHLESS over something, really? THEY’RE INFANTS. The only thing they should be breathless over is Ovaltine.
c) I like Lindsay Lohan. I’m … I’m ROOTING FOR HER. And I hope she’s really a lesbian, and that the warm reception to her relationship HEALS HER and that she’s COME TO TERMS WITH WHO SHE IS. *cue triumphal horns*
Finally, I’ll leave you with an image of my wholly earnest ninth-grade self which was, I believe, the last time I knew what the hell was even on MTV. I was way into the marching band at this point, and am totally at a band function here, if not a band TRIP. We were partying quite hard, I believe, with plenty of fruit punch and pretzels and we were downright giddy about it. Behold, the earnestness:
It sort of breaks my heart, because my God, I was so … so … earnest! And happy! About BAND! BAND BAND BAND OMG GOOOOO, BAND! OBOES RULE, SAXOPHONES DROOL!
By the way, I was MOCKED for not curling my bangs into the ever-popular softball shape. MOCKED, I tell you. In fact, at the lunchtable once, Mean Girl Lori blurted out, “Oh my God, Jonna, will you PLEASE CURL YOUR BANGS. PLEASE.” Who’s laughing now, Lori? It might not be the best hair, but at least there wasn’t any AquaNet involved, unlike, say, YOURS.
Happy Monday!
*Wilco
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
36 Comments Add your own
1. Angella | September 7th, 2008 at 7:30 pm
I have not even turned on the VMA’s because when I did so last year I just looked blankly at the screen while wondering who the heck was on the TV.
Then I grabbed my cane and waved it at the neighborhood kids.
2. Janssen | September 7th, 2008 at 7:36 pm
When I first looked at that picture, I thought you had a little weird ponytail on top of your head – it took me a second to realize that there was a girl sitting behind you and it was HER hair I was seeing. Whew, okay, your hair is off the hook.
3. slynnro | September 7th, 2008 at 7:40 pm
I LOVE those shoes. And do me a favor and don’t wear that dress with the pictured black boots unless you want to look like some pregnant knock-off Elvira.
4. jonniker | September 7th, 2008 at 7:40 pm
Janssen: But alas, my eyebrows and … well, many other things are not.
Slynnro: Dude, if I’d only seen that dress online, I NEVER WOULD HAVE BOUGHT IT. The boots! The high HIGH neckline! It’s very different in person, and VERY different on me. I … I don’t like anything about it on that model. There, I said it. I LOOK BETTER IN IT THAN THE MODEL DOES. Which isn’t saying much, seeing as I am a lumpy, lumpy beast, but still! Where’s my contract, Gap Maternity?
5. Kristi | September 7th, 2008 at 7:50 pm
I think that dress is awesomely perfect – and the shoes are pretty great too! OK, I’ve sucked up enough….I’m off to watch the VMAs and feel older than dirt. I always want to yell, “Oh ya, well I was around when there WAS NO MTV and WE were the freakin’ MTV Generation. Take that all you young whipper snappers!”
6. Teej | September 7th, 2008 at 8:09 pm
I can’t put down the Outlander books. The changes in point of view can drive me nuts, but I just can’t stop reading these things. But I also can’t stop thinking about how hairy Claire’s legs must be by now and how I just don’t find that sexy. (Sorry, non-shaving women of the world.)
You were a darling ninth grader. You remind me of that girl who played the 13-year-old Jenna in 13 Going On 30. Does that reference unveil me as a lame-o? It’s just… Mark Ruffalo is hot.
7. Blythe | September 7th, 2008 at 8:23 pm
I came thisclose to purchasing those very shoes this week. Instead, I got these:
http://zeta.zappos.com/product/7374479/color/585
because they are LifeStride brand and I hope that means my old lady feet can endure the heels for more than half an hour.
The dress is great. Do we get to see pictures?
(I love that girl vogue-ing behind you in ninth grade.)
8. H | September 7th, 2008 at 8:37 pm
Cute dress!
Band, band, band! I loved band too. I thought it was fun, and sometimes I got chills when we played a particularly moving piece (that happened in college, not in high school — our small town high school band rarely moved beyond the quarter note.)
AND your Mean Girl was named Lori too?! My Lori tortured me from 2nd grade through 12th. She told me that she’d vote for ME for homecoming queen if I voted for HER. Like I was so stupid. I knew I wasn’t going to be the damn homecoming queen and she would never vote for me and even if she did, that would be the ONLY vote for me. Gah. I don’t want to sound petty so I won’t say exactly where she ended up in life, but I will say it involves caramel corn, potato chips, plastic gloves, a hair net and a conveyer belt.
9. Zephra | September 8th, 2008 at 4:36 am
I too was a band geek so I must correct you. Drummers rule and everything else drools. Sorry.
10. Brittany | September 8th, 2008 at 4:36 am
I watched the VMAs last night as well, if only to watch the Britney spectacle of which I was thoroughly disappointed. And then I kept watching, realizing I knew NONE of the performers, and only recognized the Jonas Brothers…which disturbs me and the level of Disney I watch.
I did, however, scream at Lil’ Wayne about 20 times to pull up his pants.
11. Kristin H | September 8th, 2008 at 4:50 am
I’ll have to go back and re-read your post before I can comment on anything other than your picture, because I want to say right now that that picture is 100% adorable.
12. Emily | September 8th, 2008 at 5:19 am
“The only thing they should be breathless over is Ovaltine.” ZOMG AWESOME!
13. Jess | September 8th, 2008 at 5:28 am
I feel the same way about Lindsay. I have to say that her hair last night did not leave me feeling encouraged about her.
14. TwoBusy | September 8th, 2008 at 6:04 am
If the can in front of you in the photo is any indication, I’d guess that – at the time of the picture – you were hopped up & out of your mind on Mountain Dew.
15. elise | September 8th, 2008 at 6:11 am
The dress is cute, the shoes are even cuter, and I’m with you on the Lindsay Lohan thing. It’s strange, but it does seem like this so-termed “phase” (hopefully NOT a phase for her) is helping little LL live a somewhat normal life again.
I think I had the softball bangs. But I never would have pressured anyone else into them! I was too busy trying to re-french braid my hair, somehow making it even tighter than it already was. I liked my eyes pulled back.
16. Shelly | September 8th, 2008 at 6:24 am
Aquafresh extreme clean—-too funny.
I hate that stuff HATE IT. When it first came out I went and bought several tubes of it because the COMMERCIAL made it seem so clean and refreshing….and it was NASTY….
My youngest son told me the other day that he wanted some. That he LIKED it and wanted a tube…so I bought it. After reading your post before brushing today, I decided to use it, just for kicks.
It, admittedly, wasn’t as bad as I remembered…..they may have changed the formula? Or my memory sucks? But it was still not as satisfying as the harsh, minty burn of a good strong COLGATE or something………..
17. Jamie | September 8th, 2008 at 7:11 am
I’ve probably blathered on to you about the Outlander series before, because MY GOD WHEN IS THE DAMN 7TH BOOK COMING OUT ALREADY?!
But seriously – I love those books so much that I don’t loan them out to people because I’m afraid that I might never see them again. I love them too much – and I like to go back and read them on occasion.
Which one are you on? EMAIL ME. We must talk.
18. She Likes Purple | September 8th, 2008 at 7:51 am
I played the French horn in middle school. I was first chair for like five minutes, but I never wanted to take the big ole thing on the bus, so I rarely practiced.
I was totally disappointed Lil Wayne’s pants never actually fell down. Such a tease.
19. Al | September 8th, 2008 at 8:26 am
Hey- I’m actually wearing that dress today! I love reading your blog…I’m also due March 7 so I’m right there with you on the clothing dilemma and general hatred of food.
20. claire | September 8th, 2008 at 8:32 am
I totally don’t get the Jonas Bros. I dedicated a post to them last week, because WTF I DON’T UNDERSTAND. Ovaltine.. HA!
That picture of you is adorable. I wish i had such good pictures of myself in 9th grade. I was still at the tail-end of my ugly formative years. Wasn’t cute.
And orchestra is way better than band. Band is full of jerks.
21. Swistle | September 8th, 2008 at 8:44 am
OMG Look. At. YOU. Teh cute! Good call on the bangs—all my high school pictures show ENORMOUS bagel bangs falling down.
The Outlander series, I read with total interest for….3 books? Then I thought that if I had to read ONE MORE WORD about their Perfect Eternally-Intensely-Sexual-and-Romantic Love, or if he called her “Sassanach” one more time, I was going to BARF.
22. Nothing But Bonfires | September 8th, 2008 at 9:04 am
Um, actually, I think you’ll find CLARINETS rule and oboes drool. Also, I think your ninth grade hair is pretty darn good for ninth grade hair, seriously. You could get away with that hair NOW. Lori and her softball bangs could not.
23. -R- | September 8th, 2008 at 9:06 am
I agree with Teej- you look kind of like the girl who played the 13-year-old Jennifer Garner in that 30 movie.
I love those red shoes.
24. Lawyerish | September 8th, 2008 at 9:13 am
I’m sorry, I just can’t get over how cute you are in that picture. You were an ADORABLE teen, which seems sort of unfair somehow. And I’ll say it again: you could be rocking that hair right now and it would look perfectly relevant and cute.
25. Jen | September 8th, 2008 at 10:26 am
You should be proud that you were able to JUST SAY NO to curled bangs. I only wish I had been so strong. Although it was so easy to just wrap those suckers around a large barreled curling iron and call it a day.
I’m due March 4 and have two weddings coming up – I’ve been dreading shopping for a dress. I’m about the same as you – kind of showing, but mostly just looking like I have a beer belly. Might have to crossover to maternity dresses if they would help reduce the pudge factor.
26. ali | September 8th, 2008 at 11:26 am
i wish i was that cute in 9th grade…i don’t think i could stomach posting a picture on my self from those horrible years!
27. mar | September 8th, 2008 at 11:47 am
oh wait, just you wait for the ‘wizardry’ in outlander. ha! and i distinctly remember reading at 18 & thinking ‘ew! everyone’s all dirty! how could i possibly survive in the past?’ (i admit; i read, via my mom’s trashy regency romance taste, quite a few time travel romances-dozens even! i think it’s a genre of its own.) i’ve contemplated reading the lord john (is that right?) books started to turn me sour because brianna is kindof a bitch in the last one (snow? ashes? something?)
that dress is cute! i’m hoping to find out that no maternity clothes will be needed in my near future tonight.
i also watched the vmas & was wondering aloud about li’l wayne & his low-riding pants. such as, why would you wear a belt if your pants are already below your ass?
and you’re so cutely earnest! i had no horrific bangs, but i certainly wasn’t any kinds of cute in jr high. or hs. or elementary past the point when my mother made me start getting perms. ugh!
28. Elizabeth | September 8th, 2008 at 12:04 pm
I think I’m too old for the VMA’s, since everything I hear about them kind of freaks me out. Also I had to watch that creepy show on TLC about the little girls in pageants.
However, what is really frightening is that your hair back then? Pretty much identical to my hair right now. Which is fitting somehow, since I really do have the maturity/fashion sense/taste in music and books/wardrobe of a ninth grader anyway.
29. Rebecca (Bearca) | September 8th, 2008 at 1:23 pm
Wow, I am impressed with that photo and your non-lacquered bangs! You are absolutely having the last laugh.
In other news, I also just posted something about how I tried to watch the VMAs, but totally didn’t understand anything. Apparently I am 68 years old. (in real life, I’m 34.)
30. Danell | September 8th, 2008 at 2:23 pm
Ok, so I will now let you know HOW BIG of a loser I was and still am:
1) What’s VMA?
2) What’s Lars and the Real girl?
3) You are WAAAAY PRETTY in that picture, and I would have been WAAAAAY too shy and dorky to be friends with you. Seriously, you wouldn’t even have known I existed.
Also, the zits? MY OBGYN SENT ME TO THE DERMATOLOGIST.
31. jonniker | September 8th, 2008 at 2:28 pm
Uh, thank you all for the compliments, but I’d like to remind everyone that my free time was spent playing Legend of Zelda and helping my friend Charlie re-enact scenes from Indiana Jones with leather whips we ordered from a movie catalog, and while that sounds kinky, I assure you it was anything but. Oh, and hanging out while my more motivated friends played Dungeons and Dragons, along with plenty of oboe and clarinet practicing and CRYING when it didn’t go well. And reading. Yes, there was LOTS OF READING.
And my hair may be acceptable now, but it was IN NO WAY acceptable in 1991. No way.
And H, HA HA HA, oh homecoming court. No no. I wasn’t remotely nominated and never would be. That was for girls who curled their bangs.
32. ie | September 8th, 2008 at 2:43 pm
Then you would probably snicker if I told that I yell at all the idiots (from the safety of my rolled-up-window car) to hike their damn pants up. I feel like such a Grandma waving her cane but I can’t help it. If they only realized how incredibly stupid they look…
I’m glad you’re enjoying the Outlander series, implausible and stinky as it might be.
33. the new girl | September 8th, 2008 at 4:54 pm
I know, KNOW that in retrospect, you have to be feeling a little smug. Because the present cute cuteness of your then-perhaps-not-super-coolness, bears out the theory that many, many very cool teens are, turn into, well, kind of fucked-up adults.
And you? You are still cute and probably way, waaaay cooler than those who curled. Or at least those who judged for NOT curling.
34. patty | September 8th, 2008 at 7:22 pm
You were ten kinds of adorable in high school. If I weren’t brand new to your blog, I am certain I’d be able to name the fifty kinds of adorable you exude as a grown-up. INCLUDING THOSE SHOES.
35. Maggy | September 11th, 2008 at 3:07 am
Band, band, band! I don’t believe any photos of me survive from that time. I, too, did the reading. And the French horn practicing. And the reading. And the Latin club. I may have you out-geeked.
36. Kristabella | September 11th, 2008 at 6:17 pm
OMG, I was so in band AND went on band trips! But I have to say, saxaphones do not drool!
I too got made fun of for not “doing” my hair and I always said “look, I washed and combed it. I DID it.”
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