You to Thank

September 10th, 2008

I got all sniffly, warm and fuzzy reading your comments. Thank you so, so much, for you all made me feel so much better. Throwing up or not, it’s so nice to not feel so alone, and I can’t thank you enough. Perhaps not surprisingly, most of the crap I’ve had to field comes from real-life friends and family who are pushing me to eat more and/or acting shocked and appalled that I’m still feeling this way, and implying that it’s all in my head, because SURELY I’m far enough into the second trimester that I should be feeling better by now? Maybe throwing up is just a habit? (A HABIT. SOMEONE SAID THAT. LIKE IT’S UP THERE WITH BITING MY NAILS.)

Perhaps the most murderous I’ve ever felt was the other day when our home was being inspected for sale and the buyer’s father came along to help his son out. In the span of fifteen minutes, he threw a rock at a hornet’s nest, creating a swarm of angry yellowjackets and trapping us inside; complained passive-aggressively that Sunny was sniffing his socks by admonishing her, i.e., ME with, “Young lady, didn’t your owner teach you not to do that?” (Uh, no? I taught her not to sniff crotches, but I thought feet were acceptable? Especially INSIDE HER OWN HOUSE?) and finally, plopped himself down on the couch with an iced tea (from me) and said, “So! Dan tells me you’re pregnant! Isn’t pregnancy the best? It’s such a wonderful thing to experience.”

I had just thrown up an iced coffee in the downstairs bathroom. Did he hear me? Was he MOCKING ME? Or was he just … making conversation and I’m an oversensitive lunatic who is angry about the hornets and the dog and P.S., had just THROWN UP?

This, by the way, was right up there with witnessing a man (A MAN) tell my friend Nicole, who’s having trouble nursing her seven-week-old son and has to supplement, that no no, she can’t let the child go off the breast! It’s much healthier! His empirical evidence was the fact that he had two sons, one sickly, one hardy (guess who was breastfed). She was too flabbergasted to speak, and I’m sorry to admit that I was, too, because I was afraid I’d grab a hold of his manly bits and twist until his face turned purple. In my opinion, neither dude has the right to say anything until they’re the ones a) puking up their lunch of pie or b) desperately nursing an infant until their nipples bleed and STILL getting a diagnosis of “failure to thrive”.

So again, thank you. I’m now at least marginally confident that I’ll end up with a baby that is semi-normal sized, with ten fingers and ten toes and not, say, skeletal and starving upon his or her grand entrance to the world and be whisked off by child protective services in the maternity ward.

Also thanks to all of you, I took my second-ever pregnancy nap today, brought on by a migraine (what every puking pregnant lady wants!), and I didn’t even feel the slightest bit guilty about it. Normally I felt too lazy and indulgent to do something like that, because there are female GARBAGE COLLECTORS who must do their jobs while gestating, and my heart perpetually goes out to the woman — excuse me, Sandwich Artist — who worked double shifts at the Subway restaurant in town (OMFG SUBWAY). So who am I to bitch about my cushy work-at-home WRITING JOB that does not involve smells or trash or lunch meat?

Incidentally, a relative gifted me with The Pregnancy Journal, which is a day by day guide to, uh, pregnancy (no kidding) and it’s really very cute, except that this week’s recommended food is sardines. SARDINES. I know that pregnancy is known for bringing about weird cravings (which, I’m sorry are more like the only foods that aren’t EVIL), but I have never known a pregnant woman who was all, YES PLEASE. SARDINES. Let me eat weird bony fish packed in Mystery Mustard Sauce in a yellow, paper-wrapped CAN.

That’s all I really wanted to say. I mean, the thank you part that is, not the sardines (but still, sardines? SERIOUSLY). We’re off to Syracuse after work tomorrow for the weekend, and I promise to bring back pictures, at least so there will be ONE photo of me while pregnant, and in a dress to boot.

Have a great weekend, everyone.

*Ben Folds. Perhaps I can call him twee again and his mother, bassist or best friend will come out of the closet?

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26 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Caitlin  |  September 10th, 2008 at 6:17 pm

    I…I…well…I…I want to punch both of those guys in the FACE right now! Throwing a rock at a hornets nest and saying “Young Lady!” and….ZOMFG FTW RUDE! RUuuuuUUUUUDE!

    Assbag #2 totally deserved brutal twisting of the man bits. Twice.

    And? You are awesome, and have every right to feel the way you do about this pregnancy.

    PS – I think that I, too, would like to have a torrid love affair with pie.

  • 2. Anyabeth  |  September 10th, 2008 at 6:31 pm

    Ok the “Young Lady” thing sets off about twenty alarms with me. Most of which hit the automatic junkpunch switch. And . .ahem, he is fortunate that you are not me.

    I really hate the sort of crap that people say to pregnant women (and their partners) and also the parents of young children. Like if you are not grateful every second you are a bad person. That if you make this choice then you will kill your baby! I got harpied for letting my baby have a pacifier by the guy who was selling me a car the other day. And then asked about whether I was treasuring every special moment with her? I AM BUYING A HONDA HERE.

    Sorry. Guess I am not over it.

  • 3. jonniker  |  September 10th, 2008 at 6:33 pm

    To be clear, the young lady was uh, directed at Sunny. He called Sunny “young lady”, not me. At least not me directly. Which is pretty much worse, now that I’m recounting it. The whole thing was wretched, in fact, and I still get pissed when I think about it.

    I mean, I’m of the mind that it’s Sunny’s house too. I stop her from being rude and jumping on people, but she should have the right to SNIFF YOUR FEET. IN HER HOUSE. It’s not like I brought her into HIS house and let her go to town on his scrotum.

    Also, HA HA, I’d be all “TREASURE THIS, ASSHOLE” if someone said that to me at the Honda dealership. That would make me NUTS.

  • 4. Kristi  |  September 10th, 2008 at 7:19 pm

    Dude, you would NOT BELIEVE some of the judgemental shit you are going to hear over the next few years. Insensitive oafs think they are being helpful (and that you are an idiot) by commenting on practically every single area of parenting.

    When my son just turned 2 and I was like a million weeks pregnant with my daughter, I sat him in the cart at the grocery store when he was pitching a fit. We were almost done and I just wanted to get the hell OUT and some dude had the balls to say, “You know, he might calm down faster if you pick him up.” I was so pissed off I didn’t even respond – fortunately the woman behind me (with 2 toddlers) snorted and rolled her eyes and said “what an ass”. It’s other people like her that help you realize you’re not alone in a sea full of assholes.

  • 5. Kristi  |  September 10th, 2008 at 7:20 pm

    Also that side ad for THE NEW SEASON OF OPRAH is searing my eyeballs out. Go away Oprah!!!!

  • 6. Sadie  |  September 10th, 2008 at 7:24 pm

    AHAHAHA “automatic junkpunch switch”
    AHAHAHAHAHAHA “let her go to town on his scrotum”

    and yes, I totally would have remarked to that first ass-clown that HE was in SUNNY’S house and in SUNNY’S HOUSE foot-sniffing is permissible. I am welling with rage on your (and Sunny’s!) behalf. A neighbor once scolded my dog in front of me for barking at him when he waltzed through my fence gate into my yard, unannounced. “THAT IS HIS JOB” was my bitchy reply.

    I can’t believe you have been pregnant for like 15 weeks, you work from home, and you’ve only taken two naps. WHY AREN’T YOU TAKING MORE NAPS? You not taking naps doesn’t do the pregnant Sandwich Artist any good, sister.

  • 7. amandam  |  September 10th, 2008 at 9:33 pm

    Oh, the father of the buyer guy – here is another individual deserving of a bit of quality time (like, um, forever) at the bottom of the nearest body of water. And the cee-ment boots will fit just dandily over those so-special socks of his. You poor gal, you deserve a nice trinket from Tiffany’s after all of this crapola.

  • 8. claire  |  September 11th, 2008 at 4:57 am

    “*Ben Folds. Perhaps I can call him twee again and his mother, bassist or best friend will come out of the closet?”

    Gah! No! Don’t do it!!

  • 9. TwoBusy  |  September 11th, 2008 at 5:05 am

    Is your life really so stress-free that you need to tempt the rage of Ben Folds and his minions? Have you learned nothing?

  • 10. Zephra  |  September 11th, 2008 at 5:36 am

    I just wanted to mention that I have had 4 kids. Each pregnancy was different but the last one…that is what made me get my tubes tied. I was sick for 8 of the nine months and had NO energy to do anything. I was miserable. I don’t know why I was so sick. I could only drink water but I think I was so tired because of my thyroid. It stopped working after baby #3. I think my levels were off. I got through the whole thing but I never wanted to do it again. Now labor, that was a breeze.

  • 11. Violet  |  September 11th, 2008 at 5:37 am

    Ignore any negative comments made by men, they don’t know what they’re talking about! In fact, ignore any negative comments, period. Pregnancy brings out the intrusive busybody in people, and they feel like they have some right to tell you what to do and what you are doing WRONG all the time. Just ignore them and think happy thoughts.

    And take all the naps you want! I took a nap almost every day. You think the garbage lady or the woman at Subway wouldn’t nap if they could? They’d probably slap you if they knew you could be napping and didn’t! :)

  • 12. Jen  |  September 11th, 2008 at 6:01 am

    I’d like to thank you for the mentions of pie in your last several posts which caused this pregnant lady to run to the store at 8:30pm last night for pie and ice cream. Heeding your words of warning, I bought a kind that I knew my husband would not like. Delicious. But I really do think I need to find some homemade pie stat.

    Also, sardines? Just…NO. Please for the LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD…NO.

  • 13. Lara  |  September 11th, 2008 at 8:37 am

    Wow, people are assholes. You should have thrown up ON the “habit” person. Seriously.

    I’ve never been pregnant, so I have no advice (which is a good thing), but I’d say do whatever you damn well want, whenever you damn well want. Pie and naps sounds perfectly reasonable to me.

    I am taking the fact that you can write about sardines without hoarfing all over the place as a sign that things are on the upswing. Good luck!

  • 14. ZestyJenny  |  September 11th, 2008 at 9:10 am

    Oh, please, Jonna, NAP! NAAAAAAP!!

    I would give anyting for a daily nap. Please, have one for me.

    When it gets really bad, I tell my officemate I have to go across campus to another building and then I go down to the parking garage, set the alarm on my phone for 30 minutes, and sleep in my car. So sad.

  • 15. Kristin H  |  September 11th, 2008 at 9:38 am

    I am not even pregnant and that description of sardines made me wanna yak.

  • 16. ali  |  September 11th, 2008 at 11:10 am

    the sardines thing is a joke, right?

    tell me it’s a joke.


  • 17. Judie Ashford  |  September 11th, 2008 at 11:34 am

    Jonna – I am sorry to hear of your problems with food. During my pregnancy, I threw up every single day. When I asked my doctor when I would stop, he said “upon delivery”. I found that if I drank a glass of water upon arising, and threw it up, I was good for the day. I guess no two pregnancies are alike, even with the same body! ;->

    Best wishes.

    Virtual hugs,


  • 18. -R-  |  September 11th, 2008 at 11:59 am

    Pregnancy sucks. Feeling kicks and rolls and punches (I like to picture the fetus doing a rave-y dance routine) is really fun though.

  • 19. kris  |  September 11th, 2008 at 12:13 pm

    I had a stomach bug earlier this week, threw up twice. Twice. I thought if there was a third time I might just sleep right there on the bathroom floor, because just as it did in college, that tile would feel REALLY good against my face . . .

    I don’t know how you are doing it, lady. I’m wishing you a calm stomach . . . soon.

  • 20. Kristen  |  September 11th, 2008 at 6:24 pm

    I wanted to tell you – though I’m sort of thinking someone might have already – that if you have a WalMart pharmacy local, you can purchase generic Zofran (called Ondansetron) for about $4 per 8mg pill. I’ve dealt with hyperemesis for both of my pregnancies (I’m 35w, and I have a 4yo) and Zofran/Ondansetron and a few rounds of IV fluids have saved my life both times.

    My heart goes out to you. It WILL get better. Your baby WILL be alright.

  • 21. Kristabella  |  September 11th, 2008 at 6:35 pm

    Seriously, if you are a man, take note, NEVER TALK ABOUT PREGNANCY OR BREAST FEEDING. Never talk about something you don’t experience and know nothing about. We don’t go around talking about wet dreams and boners.

  • 22. willikat  |  September 11th, 2008 at 7:27 pm

    I’m so sorry you can’t stop throwing up. That really sucks. I wish i could de-smell the world for you for the rest of your pregnancy.
    I know someone else that had the same persistent nausea during her pregnancy. . . she was so miserable, she barely left the bathroom. Don’t take any crap from people!
    I’m sure you’ve tried everything but I do know there are anti-nausea pills out there.
    Otherwise, just stick to what you can keep down, damn everyone else, and I hope it eases soon.

  • 23. brittany  |  September 12th, 2008 at 11:49 am

    I am still in the 1st trimester…and still yakking, so the thought of sardines in any kind of mustardy oil is enough to do me in for the next 2 weeks. Way to go pregnancy journal!

  • 24. Rebecca (Bearca)  |  September 12th, 2008 at 12:30 pm

    When I first read the statement that he “threw a rock at a hornet’s nest” I totally thought it was figurative. It took me another sentence to realize that NO, this guy actually THREW A ROCK AT A HORNET’S NEST. Am so smrt.

  • 25. Christine  |  September 12th, 2008 at 3:44 pm

    Wow people are really quite assholes.

    And when you’re back to eating things other than pie I will sing the praises of sardines. (although only good ones and never in mustard.)

    But in the meantime, apple season is here!

  • 26. H  |  September 12th, 2008 at 6:46 pm

    My pet peeve is men who give women advice about female issues. My husband sometimes tells me how to deal with my period (take a nap! don’t let it get to you!) and I damn near throttle him every time. If you have no idea what I’m going through – SHUT UP!

    Yeah, the guy who dissed Sunny deserves a big bump in the nuts.

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