She Drives Me Crazy

September 23rd, 2008

First, I have to tell you all that I received a care package today from Swistle and it involved TWO KINDS OF BROWNIES. I know we’ve all read her recipes on occasion and thought, gee, that sounds good! I should try that sometime! But I have to tell you, you would be horribly mistaken if you didn’t make “sometime” turn into “this weekend.” They might be the best brownies I’ve ever tasted. Ever. In my life, and that’s not an exaggeration. They’re dense and fudgy and chewy without being TOO dense and chewy, and they’re just the right amount of sweet and chocolatey, and if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to get another one right this minute. Also included? Ginger snaps. These ginger snaps, and they’re even better than she says they are and I DO NOT EVEN USUALLY LIKE GINGER SNAPS. My beef with them is that they’re usually too gingery and a little too crispy/snappy, but these are PERFECT. LIKE, NO KIDDING.

Things around here are … a little nuts. In the last 24 hours, I’ve put together three new freelance proposals, two of which at the ball-ass last minute; uncovered a horrendously unethical scheme by the person who is buying our house and the Realtor selling our house designed to manipulate us into staying here until June, but only under certain, hilariously inconvenient and unethical circumstances; looked at three houses, none of which I liked; called on approximately 9,879,600 houses, flagged 1,098 inappropriate posts on Craigslist and yelled at the aforementioned Realtor who tried to have an electrician come to my home at 7 a.m. that I would, in fact, not hesitate to call the police if I saw their truck here before 9 a.m. and if she thought I was kidding that perhaps she should go ahead and try. I also think I used the words “over my limp, dead, pregnant body, no SERIOUSLY.”

Before I go on to state my next point which is, not surprisingly, that pregnancy makes you crazy, I will say that in this particular case I believe pregnancy insanity has worked in my favor. That is, I am more assertive than I would normally be (because really, 7 a.m. for a non-emergency electrician visit that has even NOTHING TO DO WITH ME is totally unreasonable), and paranoia, in this case, has led me to figure out that in at least one instance, people really were plotting to fuck me over in grand fashion.

However, this does not account for the level of crazy that takes over your body and mind in pregnancy that really, I don’t feel that anyone adequately warned me about. I knew enough about morning sickness to know that it can happen the way it’s happening to me (and who hasn’t read Jessica’s ordeal?), and all the body/boob changes haven’t really fazed me.

However, NO ONE prepared me for the insanity that are pregnancy hormones. Hormones that made me cry HYSTERICALLY for several hours (SEVERAL HOURS) because I’m afraid I’ll have to spend the rest of my family vacations at Disney World (uh, I won’t); hormones that made me absolutely lose my shit on poor Adam because he HAD to stop playing XBox THAT VERY MINUTE or the world would completely end and OH MY GOD WHY ARE YOU STILL PLAYING? IT IS BECAUSE YOU HATE ME, DON’T YOU? Seriously, I harped on him for a good 20 minutes, with no discernible logic or reasoning — I didn’t want to watch TV, it wasn’t too late at night and I WAS NOT EVEN IN THE ROOM. It simply HAD TO BE DONE OR ELSE.

I can’t even go into the number of times I’ve snapped on him for some invisible transgression and at one point earlier in the day, I threatened to leave the ENTIRE STATE OF VERMONT because I didn’t want to be in the same state as someone I so vehemently dislike (the effing Realtor). I was, sadly, entirely serious, and spent a good 20 minutes plotting (WITH GOOGLE MAPS) how Adam could commute two hours to and from work from our cabin in the Adirondacks, because GOOD GODDAMN, I am NOT living in the same state as that fire-breathing ASS OF A WOMAN, DO YOU HEAR ME? VERMONT IS DEAD TO ME.

I know this all sounds so clearly insane, but at the time, I could not be stopped under any circumstances. And what’s worse, I can’t promise I won’t revisit each and every one of these issues again before this pregnancy is out.

Anyway! Let us end this ranty moment of insanity with an odd moment of zen thanks to Vermont’s quirky apartment and housing listings from various sources, shall we? Perhaps these tidbits will give you a little insight into why I AM SO INSANELY INSANE AND CRAZY.

— 7 room house with 3 bedrooms and 1 1/2 baths available for someone willing to milk in exchange for the rent. Yes, that would be MILKING THE COWS. They need about 30 milkings a month to cover the rent, and while they would prefer an “experienced milker” they’re not afraid to train.

— If milking isn’t your thing, perhaps you’d like to take a peek at this little “fixer upper” that has had a “run of bad luck” (photo of dilapidated house with crazily crooked, not-intentionally detached porch and sloping roof included for detail) for $350/month. There isn’t any heat, per se, but a “stack of wood out back, if burned correctly, can heat a family of two for quite some time. Let us know soon!”

Seriously. I did not make up a single word of either of those listings. Lake George and a two-hour commute don’t seem that bad now, do they?

Edited to add in this delightful little postscript: Remember when I had a dream that my cream cheese was made with breast milk? No? Anyone? Well, if PETA has it their way, Ben & Jerry’s will be made with breast milk. To which I say heartily: Uh, NO? How about a HELL NO? How about a “No way, no how, no McCain, no Palin, no BREAST MILK in my ice cream?” Again, I’m all “Yay, breastfeeding!” but my God, I don’t want to CONSUME IT MYSELF.

Happy Wednesday!

*Fine Young Cannibals. I … I love them still. Because I’m stuck in 1989.

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Entry Filed under: Nuttin',Pregnancy,Vermont

25 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Jennifer  |  September 23rd, 2008 at 6:19 pm

    I sat in a 7-11 parking lot and sobbed because I didn’t think I would be able to pop in a get a Slurpee ever again. That didn’t occur to me as crazy until just now, but my husband probably thought it so. Good luck with the house hunt.

  • 2. Sadie  |  September 23rd, 2008 at 7:36 pm

    I…I…well. I would like to hear more about this unethical scheme, for one.

    And also I guess this is a good time to mention that the Hormonal Pregnant Crazy makes for a really good read. It doesn’t seem like you are crazy, so much as it seems like you might be on methamphetamines. Which of course can’t be true, because we all know you would just throw them right back up.

  • 3. Kristi  |  September 23rd, 2008 at 7:38 pm

    OK, there is too much in this post to even comment on!

    “PETA officials say a move to human breast milk would lessen the suffering of dairy cows and their babies on factory farms and benefit human health.”

    And to this I say, WHAT ABOUT THE SUFFERING OF THE HUMAN FEMALES? This is a beyond-ludicris publicity stunt. I am a PETA supporter and I even think they have really lost their shit this time! Ben & Jerry probably had a good laugh over that one.

  • 4. -R-  |  September 23rd, 2008 at 8:12 pm

    I think milking cows in exchange for rent sounds fun. Of course, I have no idea whether it is difficult to milk cows or not, and I wouldn’t actually do it myself, and yet, I still think it is kind of awesome.

    I totally understand why you would not write more about the real estate scheme in question, but aaa! I am so curious!

    I haven’t had too many pregnancy crying episodes, but I did cry for about 30 minutes when I found out that I had to take the 3 hour gestational diabetes test. As I was sobbing, I was saying, “Ice cream is the only thing that makes me happy! I can’t give up ice cream!”

  • 5. vague  |  September 23rd, 2008 at 8:33 pm

    Your house hunting / realtor / landlord situation sounds infuriating! At least you’re able to bring the humor of it to us, the readers of the internet. Seriously, though, I wish you the best of luck in finding a great house that you can stay in as long as you want/need to, and where there are no fryolating neighbors to stink up the atmosphere.

    Re the breastmilk ice cream, I used to live in a town populated almost exclusively by insane radical hippies, and the classifieds in our free weekly paper were an absolute goldmine — I still remember the one asking lactating women to sell their breastmilk to a local cheese maker. I’m not sure he ever got that business off the ground, though. I mean, I hope to hell not. EWWWW.

  • 6. Suebob  |  September 23rd, 2008 at 9:05 pm

    Why do u hate brestfeeding? What iz wrong w/u? UR an aweful person! F*ck all u brestfeding h8rs!

  • 7. celebrate woo-woo  |  September 23rd, 2008 at 11:14 pm

    While I think PETA is all kinds of stupid insane to suggest something like that to Ben & Jerry’s, I wouldn’t NOT buy something made with human milk instead of cow’s milk.

    Before I tasted my own milk (to see if the frozen stuff tasted different from the refrigerated stuff and if that was the reason baby didn’t want to drink from a bottle…the answer? yes, it was very different, and yes, he drank the fresher stuff without a problem), I would never, ever, ever have thought that, and would have had a knee-jerk ewww and ughh reaction. But, now that I realize that stuff is sweet and kind of delicious, I can’t say I would never buy something made with human breastmilk. Doesn’t seem practical to replace our use of cow’s milk with it, though.

  • 8. celebrate woo-woo  |  September 23rd, 2008 at 11:18 pm

    Oh, and I’ve tasted formula, too, as my twins were mostly formula fed and merely supplemented with breastmilk. I tend to have a philosophy of not being unwilling to taste something I expect my kid to consume in larger quantities. Formula tastes gross, by the way. Probably why I was so shocked at the pleasant taste of the breastmilk and was all, “I’d totally drink this myself!”

  • 9. Emily  |  September 24th, 2008 at 5:05 am

    Yeah, the breastmilk thing… so Americans who are only recently warming back up to the idea of breastfeeding BABIES are going to be willing to consume it THEMSELVES? Maybe Ben & Jerry will make it, but WHO WILL EAT IT? GUH-ROSS.

    The hormone thing is totally normal. This pregnancy I’m not flying off the handle as much as I did with the last one, but I’m definitely holding two or three day grudges. I’m holding one right now, in fact! Because I’ve decided no one in my house is being NICE ENOUGH to me. (It sounds rational in my head, at least.)

  • 10. moo  |  September 24th, 2008 at 5:18 am

    If you think the hormones are bad now, wait until after the baby comes. You’ll be sobbing and thinking, “why the hell am I crying? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?”

    It’s fun.

  • 11. Gina  |  September 24th, 2008 at 6:13 am

    What? No links to the amazing brownie recipes? :o(

    I, too, would like to hear details on the realtor’s monkey business.

  • 12. jonniker  |  September 24th, 2008 at 6:56 am

    Gina — The brownie recipes are on the front page of Swistle’s site near the bottom — the mint one and the salt one.

  • 13. Mandee  |  September 24th, 2008 at 7:01 am

    You are funny. That is all.

  • 14. Erin  |  September 24th, 2008 at 7:16 am

    Like every one else, I am very very curious about this heinous realtor “fuck over” plot. :)

    I saw the Ben and Jerry’s thing on Jen Lancaster’s blog and I have to say that I am going to be making jokes about it ALL DAY. The Peta people think they get labelled unfairly with the freak brush and then they go and do things like this! For people who are supposed to be so educated about how things really happen at factory ranches and things, you’d think they’d understand that cow’s milk isn’t stolen right out from under the baby cows. It’s not like there is some farmer going “no no baby Vealsolot, this here milk is for the nice people over at Starbucks. You go eat some grass.”

  • 15. Corinne  |  September 24th, 2008 at 7:29 am

    I love Lake George.

    Also: I would totally milk in exchange for rent. Damn Los Angeles.

  • 16. Jess  |  September 24th, 2008 at 7:30 am

    When I was looking for an affordable place to stay in the Hamptons in the summer (HA HA HA) because I was a broke college student with an internship there (WHAT WAS I THINKING?), I found an ad for a room in a very nice house that I could have for free if I only I was willing to be serviced by a man who liked to be subservient to women. So, free rent plus never having to do anything for myself, including laundry, cooking, etc. Unfortunately the creepy factor beat out the practical considerations.

  • 17. Kristin H  |  September 24th, 2008 at 9:01 am

    You know, being pregnant is waaaay funnier when it’s happening to you, than when it happened to me. : )

  • 18. Swistle  |  September 24th, 2008 at 11:17 am

    I tipped over a dining room table during my first pregnancy, denting both the table and the wall, and I don’t even remember why I was so worked up. I also cried for about an hour when I realized my baby would eventually be an old man.

    Are you SURE you don’t want to do the milking one? That seems kind of cool!

    And speaking of milking, I SERIOUSLY DOUBT any plan to put HUMAN BODILY FLUIDS in a grocery product is going to succeed.

  • 19. rosarita  |  September 24th, 2008 at 12:39 pm

    Um, too late now, but pregnancy does make you crazy. I remember standing in the coffee aisle, sobbing hysterically, because I couldn’t decide what brand of coffee to buy (and had bought the same brand for, like, years.) It’s way worse when you have a valid reason to be nuts – hope the house hunt goes well….

  • 20. Lara  |  September 24th, 2008 at 1:15 pm

    I cannot think of anything witty enough to say here, so instead I’ll just say hi and I think my husband is terrified of what i will be like when I’m pregnant since I’m somewhat emotional and crazy when not. Oy.

    And also: yay for brownies and cookies!

    Oh! How far are you from Brattleboro, again? I’m going there next weekend (not this one, but the next one) for the Brattleboro Literary Festival. I will have to lie to my mother-in-law (who lives there) about how I know you (because I would die if she read my blog, in which I refer to her as crazy), but would love to see you!

  • 21. Style Bard  |  September 24th, 2008 at 3:51 pm

    Aw, brownies sound like the perfect pregnant-lady present.

    Have you seen that movie Waitress, by the way? Keri Russell is pregnant and spends the whole time working in a pie shop? I thought of you, even with the pie-loving, I just thought that sounded TERRIBLE and impossible.

    Also, loooove you for the completely crazy fear that all of your vacations will be/will have to be Disney. Because I am nowhere near pregnant and I have this fear.

  • 22. Shutter Bitch  |  September 26th, 2008 at 7:21 am

    My husband threatened with my first pregnancy never to impregnate me again because of my hormonal swings. The second pregnancy was much better in that regard.

    See, I didn’t tell you about the hormone swings because it’s different for everyone, but if every woman knew what was in store for her, would she still decide to procreate? The answer is no. Then ours would be the last generation, and then we’d all grow old together and there would be no young ‘uns and as we aged and tried to help each other keep our dentures in place and find each other’s walkers, there’d be no one to yell at to “get off my lawn!” Pretty soon, 87 would be the babies of the group, and even though arthritis would be rampant, those people would have to take care of those even older, and then all the doctors would die out and there would be no more diagnoses for our friends to laundry-list, and then we’d all be left to keel over on our own. Then who buries the bodies?

    So, I didn’t tell you (or anyone else considering pregnancy and motherhood) about the hormones because I don’t want to miss out on the time-honored opportunity to yell at some neighborhood kids to get off my lawn.

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