Eat for Two
October 1st, 2008
In a sign that my sanity is a tenuous, tenuous thing, I made Cornish hens for dinner tonight (!!!), and as I was rubbing olive oil into their wee little bodies, I found myself a little weepy over their resemblance to BABIES, particularly as I rubbed it in under their little winglets. Mind you, I am in no way a vegetarian, nor was I weeping for the loss of the chickens’ lives, but was instead upset because I imagined someone salting and roasting an actual human baby (MY BABY) in a 450 degree oven for 15 minutes to crisp the skin, before baking it at 375 for thirty more minutes. The whole thing was immensely upsetting in every way imaginable, and a small tear may have been shed before my mother called and, because my voice was breaking, I had to explain that yes, I was weeping over tiny chickens.
I might also add that it has been several years since I made Cornish hens, and only did so because they were on sale for a lot less than the cost of a small roaster, and I was craving (!!!) roast chicken. I also did not enjoy the finished product, as it felt so gluttonous to just heap an ENTIRE CHICKEN, however small, on each plate, and yet half of one wasn’t enough. It was … not fun, baby comparisons aside, and I believe we are finished with the Cornish Hen Experiment of 2008.
This chicken craving came despite the fact that I barfed in the street this morning, cowering behind a neighbor’s garage while Sunny tried her best to “help” in the only way dogs, uh, can, if you know what I mean, and God I hope you don’t. It was unpleasant, to say the least. I rewarded myself with half of an English muffin with (oh my God) CHOCOLATE FROSTING on it, because I’d bought some for cupcakes I never made and … oh forget it. I frosted my English muffin. There’s no excuse for that, pregnant or not. No one should be frosting their breakfast toast.
Anyway, oh my God, to make this all more rambly, the Cornish hen weeping was assisted by, yet again, your friend and mine, “What to Expect When You’re Expecting”. Adam and I aren’t particularly schmaltzy people, though rest assured that I believe that marrying him was the single best decision I have ever, or will ever, make, but there is one ritual I’ve been reluctant to mention because it’s … well, it’s kind of CUTE, and I really do hate gushy posts. Of course, you’ll read this and think my God, that is so not remotely gushy, but remember, I AM ANTI-SCHMALTZ.
(For those of you seeking schmaltz, may I just say that my husband gets hotter every year and that I really do love him more every day, hotness aside? And it’s not fair, but I’m NOT COMPLAINING, because hey, we’ve only been together 10 years, and if he’s this hot NOW, he’ll CRUSH Sean Connery when we’re in our 60s, man.)
But … well, he’s been reading my pregnancy books, too, and occasionally, he reads them out loud to me so that we can see what the baby’s doing, or what new milestones we’ve reached, or will reach in the coming weeks. It’s been one of the highlights of my pregnancy, to tell you the truth, but it was almost ruined by “What to Expect…” when this week, the book compared the size of my baby to “that chicken breast you’re having for dinner.” Not just any chicken breast, mind you, but the ONE YOU HAD FOR DINNER.
Already horrified, Adam continued reading on to next week (Week 19), and the conversation went something like this:
“You’re baby’s about the size of an …oh my God. A … a MANGO DIPPED IN GREASY CHEESE.”
“It says that? Greasy cheese?”
“I don’t think I want to read this book anymore.”
Yeah, um, me neither? Because really, my baby is a greasy, cheese-covered mango? I get that they have to explain the uh, coating, but is such a foul visual NECESSARY? And that chicken breast I just had for dinner? No WONDER I’m choking up while I lube up my chickens, for chrissake. Is no food SACRED?
I hope you had/have a great dinner and an even better Thursday.
*The inevitable use of 10,000 Maniacs.
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
37 Comments Add your own
1. the new girl | October 1st, 2008 at 5:56 pm
When my sister was pregnant, I flipped through that book and I DESPISED it. I found it judgy and just…well, AWFUL. I am anti-what-to-expect.
A super great read, though, was Body, Soul and Baby. It was a breath of fresh air, I tell ya, and the only baby book I read (with the exception of the week-by-week job, which NEVER compared your baby to something that sounds like an INSULT.)
2. Swistle | October 1st, 2008 at 6:00 pm
OMG I GET THOSE SAME TYPES OF HORRIBLE IMAGES. AND THEN WEEP OVER THEM. WTF IS WITH US?
3. Kristabella | October 1st, 2008 at 6:04 pm
I’m so going to have an English muffin topped with chocolate frosting for breakfast tomorrow. You have invented a new breakfast treat. It’s a healthier donut!
4. Mandee | October 1st, 2008 at 6:25 pm
That is just WRONG! What is wrong with those people?
Glad you are able to eat real food again. Sometimes.
5. Caitlin | October 1st, 2008 at 6:27 pm
A greasy mango dipped in cheese, oh dear god in heaven.
Oh my god. Oh my GOD. God….GODDDDD. UH. Uhhhhh.
VOM.
6. Caitlin | October 1st, 2008 at 6:28 pm
Greasy cheese, greasy mango….WHATEVER. SAME THING.
7. NGS | October 1st, 2008 at 6:33 pm
Not to in any way denigrate your pregnant lady hormones gone wild feelings, but the greasy cheese covered mango cracked me up like nothing else all day long. Thanks!
8. jonniker | October 1st, 2008 at 6:35 pm
Oh my God, NGS, fear no denigration of my feelings. A GREASY MANGO is utterly hilarious, as is the fact that I CRIED OVER WEE CHICKENS.
Pregnant feelings may be all, uh, FEELY, but they are, indeed, absolutely ridiculous.
9. susan | October 1st, 2008 at 7:09 pm
Oh that book. I read it in much the same way I watch scary movies – with one eye closed, clutching the remote. I skipped over a lot. I also chased my husband around the house with it because he’s even more squeamish than me. That kind of made it one of my favorite books ever.
10. derfina | October 1st, 2008 at 7:11 pm
*snort*
Hope you take some comfort in me shedding (from laughing so hard) tears over the greasy cheese covered mango, dudette. Too funny for mere words!
11. Kristi | October 1st, 2008 at 7:12 pm
Huh….that must be one of the “updates” they have added in recent years to WTEWYE in order to bring the topics out of the Dark Ages. I’m fairly certain I would have remembered that tantalizing image! Gross!!!
12. slynnro | October 1st, 2008 at 7:13 pm
I have gotten into the habit of eating entire roast chickens from Whole Foods. And I am not eating for two.
13. Anyabeth | October 1st, 2008 at 7:33 pm
Greasy cheesed mango?! How did that get past an editor?
Run from that book (while I was pregnant I started stapling shut ridiculous sections instead of reading them until I realized that was uh the whole book). If you can find From The Hip instead. . . so much better.
And not cute at all. I promise.
14. Lippy | October 1st, 2008 at 7:36 pm
I don’t have the greasy mango version of What to Expect…just the mean judgy one with lame food plans. I don’t think frosted english muffins are included. Spiderman 2 was on this weekend and the part with the train, when he loses conciousness? And all the people lift him throught the train? I wept, they all treated him so tenderly. I kept thinking if my son was a superhero I would want others to take of him. Crying again. Pregnant hormones rule.
15. anne | October 1st, 2008 at 8:43 pm
Why was the mango dipped in greasy cheese?
16. ZestyJenny | October 1st, 2008 at 9:37 pm
Oh my god, Jonna, please get a different book! Anything has to be better. The footling, and now the greasy mango? No. Just, no.
http://www.babycenter.com = Can also be a little scare tactic-y, but I enjoy their much less nauseating food references. Aside from the jumbo shrimp reference at week 13, none have been as terrible as a greasy mango.
17. Sadie | October 2nd, 2008 at 3:11 am
but…whoever would put greasy cheese on a mango? I mean, that is absurd and nonsensical…I get that they are trying to let you know the baby is slimy, I guess, but it seems like that could *really* go without saying.
You’re the funniest crazy pregnant lady ever.
18. annabanana | October 2nd, 2008 at 3:16 am
What to expect was scary and oh so boring..I didn’t enjoy it and happily sold in a yardsale last weekend. I remember laughing alot at another book…The Girlfriends Guide to Pregnancy and then the Girlfriends Guide to the First Year. I still have those as I’m planning to throw them in the box when I mail that box of clothes to you. I’m doing it. I REALLY AM!
19. Suebob | October 2nd, 2008 at 5:22 am
I can decide if my new band should be “Greasy Cheese Mangos” or “Cheese-Dipped Mangos.”
Honestly, who thought that up in their sick, crazed little brain?
20. Jess | October 2nd, 2008 at 6:02 am
I have to say, I DON’T get why they had to go there with the cheese. They’re talking about the SIZE, not the TEXTURE. I can just see them: Well, it’s a little bigger than a mango, but not quite as big as the next biggest thing, so let’s say it’s as big as a mango with an extra layer! But an extra layer of what? How about GREASY CHEESE? ARGH.
21. jonniker | October 2nd, 2008 at 6:09 am
Well, they are talking about the texture, is the gross thing. But they didn’t need a FOOD ANALOGY for that. The idea is that the baby is covered with a thick layer of lubricant to protect it from becoming too wrinkled from floating around in the amniotic fluid. But really, the greasy cheese part was SO UNNECESSARY.
22. Jen | October 2nd, 2008 at 6:11 am
Note to self: Skip baby size comparisons for week 19. Greasy cheese and mango? How much more disgusting can you GET?
I have to say that I am very impressed by your ability to handle raw meat at this point. Extra points for you for getting teary about it!
I have a tub of frosting but no English muffins…so I’ll probably just resort to spooning the frosting in my pie hole tonight.
23. She Likes Purple | October 2nd, 2008 at 6:19 am
First, this post has, for whatever reason, made me crave mashed potatoes.
Second, I don’t think an English muffin covered in chocolate frosting is that ridiculous. In fact I may be adding those two items to our grocery list. (I will bring you up though when Mike inevitably looks at me like I’ve lost my damn mind.)
24. nonsoccermom | October 2nd, 2008 at 10:16 am
I…what? A mango covered in greasy cheese? The hell? I have one of the ancient editions of “What to Expect” and I DO NOT remember that. Yikes. My brain is probably trying to protect me. By the way, I really hate the weekly/monthly size comparisons of unborn babies to FOOD anyway. But the greasy cheese thing is just totally over the top. ICK.
25. Sara | October 2nd, 2008 at 10:35 am
I seriously think your pregnancy is the funniest one that’s ever occurred. I read mommyblogs, and have had many pregnant friends, and hey! Was even pregnant myself once, but dude. Mangos dipped in cheese, wee chicken weeping, and frosted English muffins? Win.
26. Jamie | October 2nd, 2008 at 10:46 am
Jesus Christ, who eats mangos in greasy cheese? Furthermore, who eats greasy cheese?!
Maybe this was a backhanded way of preparing you for the sight of vernix after labor? ???
27. CJ | October 2nd, 2008 at 11:06 am
I totally get the dog ‘helping’ during barf time. We have a bulimic cat, and boy, when that throat noise kicks in, the dog’s there, on duty, ready for action. Good dog! Gross tho’.
28. Kristin H | October 2nd, 2008 at 12:18 pm
We, uh, sometimes encouraged the dogs to help out. If you know what I’m saying. I mean, who wants to get up in the middle of the night to clean up yak when the dogs are perfectly happy to help out?
Wow, that and greasy mangos. Good thing you’re not a puker any more.
29. Corinne | October 2nd, 2008 at 12:35 pm
I’m making cornish hens tonight…I am not pregnant, though, so hopefully I’ll not weep over them.
If I do, it’s for completely different reasons.
30. Lara | October 2nd, 2008 at 1:36 pm
Oh, how you crack me up, Jonniker. And…really? The book says “a mango dipped in greasy cheese”???? That is SO WRONG.
31. Maggy | October 2nd, 2008 at 3:07 pm
I’ve done the weepy chicken thing, too. I remember pregnancy and post-partum, when these random thoughts would go across my brain. And then I’d think, “This is absurd!” At least I realized that the thoughts were absurd, otherwise I’d be a world of hurt.
32. Danell | October 2nd, 2008 at 3:54 pm
I’m pretty sure it’s not hormones making me hysterical with laughter right now.
33. Sarah | October 3rd, 2008 at 7:29 am
There is nothing wrong with frosting your breakfast – after all, why do you think Forsted Flakes has been so popular?
34. Sarah | October 3rd, 2008 at 7:30 am
Frosted*
35. Style Bard | October 3rd, 2008 at 7:54 am
Omg… the imagery… can’t stop laughing/gagging… that just cracked me up (and disgusted me). It bothers me that someone’s mind came UP with that, accurate or not.
36. winterwheat | October 3rd, 2008 at 9:16 pm
Every pregnant woman I’ve known (and I’ve known a lot) has experienced the horror of lifting up a dead, defrosted chicken and realizing that it’s the exact weight and, er, flexibility of a human baby. I’ve never heard of anybody wigging over Cornish hens because they’re too small, but whatever, you’ll be in good company once you’re past 30 weeks and you defrost and rinse (and weep over) a chicken.
I read that book but I definitely do not remember the mango dipped in greasy cheese part. I have an excellent memory for such vivid language, so I must have repressed it. But when it comes time for delivery, trust me: you’ll be grateful for “greasy cheese.”
37. metalia | October 4th, 2008 at 4:38 pm
But…but…why is the mango dipped in greasy cheese? And GREASY cheese? Not just regular cheese? I’m so, so confused.
Leave a Comment
Some HTML allowed:
<a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>
Trackback this post | Subscribe to the comments via RSS Feed