Born In Time
October 13th, 2008
As if further evidence that I can be a dumbass was needed, in the car on the way home from Scranton on Monday, I threw my gum out the window* and promptly forgot about it, only to find out a few hours later that when I threw it out the window, it looped around and fell behind my back. At a gas station, I found myself not only fused to the seat, but with a giant white, sticky stain on the back of my shirt and of course, the car seat. Melted, ooky gum everywhere. How thrilling!
* I know throwing your gum out the window is gross and disrespectful and is LITTERING, I know, and dude, I deserved what I got. I hated to do it, trust me, I did, and while there is no acceptable excuse, I will say that we’d just cleaned out the car of all wrappers, napkins and stray bags and though swallowing it is usually my first option, my gag reflex tells me it’s not these days.
Anyway, this made me think of all those years I was a cigarette smoker and used to live in fear of igniting the back seat while throwing my cigarette out the window. This is further proof why using an ashtray or an empty bottle is a wise idea, littering concerns aside. (God, I can’t believe I did that. I deserved to light the car on fire.)
It is amazing to me that I am even here to write this, actually, since I’m pretty sure I should be dead, buried under what is surely the world’s largest mountain of unsolicited advice. I’ve mentioned this before, but I have a really high tolerance for unsolicited advice, and if you grew up with my sister, you would, too. She’s twelve years older than me, and has made it her life’s mission to ensure that I don’t make ANY of the mistakes that she did, so that I may live precisely the life that she ended up with, which, ironically, is a life that I would not have chosen, although it fits her very well. (We are night and day in terms of personality.)
Now, I have said precisely those words to her face, and I’m fairly certain she’d find that statement amusing, as it is so very true, and she’ll be the first to admit it, lest you think I’m shitting on her. I love my sister dearly, and she’s one of my best friends, and this is one of the fatal flaws of our relationship, but we have learned to deal.
I think, however, that even she would admit that this weekend crossed some kind of invisible line (she wasn’t there), and rather than go into details, I will only say that there were two things that set me off to the point where I have not been able to stop thinking about them:
1) There seemed to be a lot of passive-aggressive stories designed to inform us that parenthood is both a) exhausting; and b) very very hard. There were endless tales of how my nephews — three and one — are akin to a “three-ring circus” and how kids are “really hard, really exhausting.” There were also gentle reminders that we won’t be able to sleep until 10 a.m. once we have kids, and that Adam may have to stop wearing earplugs at night to drown out my snoring. And when I say “endless” I literally mean every five minutes, and that’s not an exaggeration. I almost snapped, and folks, I DO NOT SNAP. (Except right now! See? AM SNAPPING.)
First of all, the last time I checked, I won’t be giving birth to two toddlers, and though newborns are difficult, I will be not be thrown directly into that level of parenthood. Of you know, TWO TODDLERS. And oh my God, I KNOW that kids get up early, I KNOW. I also somehow know that you need to be able to HEAR THEM in the middle of the night. I HAVE ALSO HEARD THAT BABIES ARE VERY HARD.
2) When I mentioned that I wasn’t buying a carseat right now, and wouldn’t be for some time, there was WOOP WOOP PANIC, because OMG YOU HAVE TO BUY A CARSEAT. THEY WILL NOT LET YOU LEAVE THE HOSPITAL WITHOUT A CARSEAT.
I … I don’t even know what to say there. I mean, even the dimmest seem to know that you don’t carry your infant on your lap on your way home from the hospital, or, you know, EVER, and I know this, because I have seen those people on “A Baby Story.” They can’t form a sentence, but BY GOD, they know to buy a car seat. Also, I’m not sure when “not right now, at 19 weeks gestational age” translated to “never, I plan to Britney Spears It.”
I’m sorry I’m ranting. I love our families so very much. But these two sticky points aside, I think what upsets me the most, particularly in our situation, is that we’re the last of our siblings to have kids, and it feels like everyone assumes the baby(ies) we’ll have will be carbon copies of the existing babies, and that we’ll make the same decisions our siblings did, when in fact, they won’t, and we won’t. I would just appreciate it if we could all acknowledge that this is *our* baby, who will be his/her own person, parented by Adam and Jonna. I don’t want my kid to be compared to the existing kids — not now, and certainly not when s/he’s old enough to realize it’s happening. That’s not fair to them.
And, as I’ve said to my sister many times, I think some life lessons cannot be taught vicariously or through advice. Some things you *have* to experience for yourself to fully appreciate them for what they are, and I believe quite strongly that becoming a parent is one of those things. And oh my God, I KNOW I am in for a world of agony from strangers with regards to unsolicited advice once I become a parent, but would you believe I find that easier to swallow than familial advice? Also, it surprises even me that I welcome advice from my friends, but I think it’s because they have a much more realistic interpretation of who I am today, rather than the person I was growing up.
Another recurring theme in the unsolicited advice department from all angles appears to be my weight, which: oh dear. No woman, pregnant or not, wants unsolicited WEIGHT ADVICE. Many women in my family gained A LOT of weight while pregnant, and as such, I have been warned repeatedly to not let myself get out of control. Repeatedly. Like, every day. But, since the neverending pregnant barfing solved THAT problem initially, the rhetoric has shifted to the idea that I am not eating ENOUGH, even now that my barfing has slowed (not stopped, mind you, SLOWED). As such, if I am not stuffing my gaping maw every second, I’m getting YELLED AT for starving the baby and to stop worrying about my weight! Eat! Eat! EAAAAAAT!
Forgive me while I pause to put my hand through the wall. Anyone who knows me realizes that I don’t have body/food issues, and would never — NE.VER. — starve myself or my baby to avoid gaining weight. Ever. No, seriously, NEVER. One of the things that triggers projectile vomiting for me is overeating, even by the smallest margin, so yes, I am very careful not to overeat, but it is about PREVENTION OF BARF, not out of a desire to be petite demure pregnant lady. AM NOT DEMURE PETITE STARVING PREGNANT LADY. I SWEAR.
And if you saw me? YOU WOULD SEE THAT I AM NOT PARTICULARLY SKINNY. So why the concern, universe?
Anyway! Sorry! Tomorrow, I’ll be in a better mood, I promise, especially since I’m signing a lease on our new place (FINGERS FREAKING CROSSED). And in other good news, I feel the baby move CONSTANTLY and I wonder how I ever missed it. Last night, Adam felt his first kick from the outside, which was one of the coolest things ever. Finally, this barfy, headachy pregnancy is starting to have demonstrable ROI! (I KID.)
Happy Tuesday!
*Bob Dylan
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
45 Comments Add your own
1. slynnro | October 13th, 2008 at 7:58 pm
I burnt about 10 holes in my backseat of my old car. you’d think I woukd have taken that as a sign. But I didn’t.
2. H | October 13th, 2008 at 8:01 pm
I’m so sorry you were bombarded with advice. I don’t know if you feel this way, but for me, that kind of unsolicited over-the-top advice sort of insults my intelligence. I don’t really know you at all, but from what I can tell from your blog, you and Adam certainly have the common sense to purchase a carseat before the baby is born! Good luck with the lease. You sound like me — it isn’t real until the ink’s on the paper!
3. Tessa | October 13th, 2008 at 8:21 pm
I think the family’s advice is more upsetting & irritating because you know you will have to deal with them again. You can’t just tell them to fuck off & pray that you’ll never run into them again at the grocery store. At least, that’s how I feel when I get all sorts of advice from my family. Ok, my mom. And her mom.
My friend Kaleb’s parents held him on the car ride home from the hospital, got into a car accident, and had to go back to the hospital. And now he is a very smart chemical engineer. So there, advicers. No car seat = future high earning potential.
4. Danell | October 13th, 2008 at 8:22 pm
Um…well, on the bright side: One week til we get to find out if we get to say “he” or “she” instead of “the baby”…yay!
(And I have NO ADVICE on baby boys vs. girls!)
5. Suebob | October 13th, 2008 at 9:09 pm
What, you don’t have a car seat yet? That’s it. I’m unsubscribing!
(Do they make car seats for fetuses? Just asking. You know how I am with the child rearing and all).
6. Tara | October 14th, 2008 at 1:02 am
I love (sarcastic love, of course) how some smokers don’t get the idea that throwing your cigarette butts out the window is littering. I used to do a bus tour/in brief for newcomers to our military base (in Tokyo) and when I would warn them to only smoke in the specified smoking area at our lunch destination and to not throw their butts on the ground because, well, the Japanese take more seriously that it is littering I would get the most ridiculous indignant looks. People actually argued the idea with me at times, as if I were proposing the end of the world to ask them to through out their cigarette butts in a can made just for them.
I’m learning so much in my pre-baby life from you about the advice to look out for, since my husband and I are the last in our families to have kids, too. Thanks for all of your sarcasm/insight. It brightens my days.
7. Julie | October 14th, 2008 at 2:59 am
I found the warnings about NO SLEEP and NO LEISURELY SUNDAY MORNINGS and HA HA HA OH IS YOUR LIFE GONNA SUCK to be slightly more palatable when I could make myself believe that what the speaker really meant was, “There is absolutely no way to prepare for it. No description does it justice. You can’t know until you do it. SO HERE! LET ME TRY TO PREPARE YOU! ALLOW ME TO DESCRIBE THE INDESCRIBABLE! PLEASE ENJOY THIS FORETASTE OF HOW USELESS YOU WILL FIND ALL THE CRAP-ASS ADVICE YOU’LL BE GETTING ONCE YOU’RE TRULY IN THE THICK OF IT!”
(Why did no one ever tell me, “You are not going to believe the AWESOME?”)
Here’s gum in your eye. Now please quit polluting my beautiful green mountains.
8. Jeanne | October 14th, 2008 at 3:09 am
“I plan to Britney Spears it.” HaHaHa!
The family advise does suck more than anyone elses. You can’t just walk away from them like you can with strangers. And friends are usually more sensitive and like minded.
And really, it’s not that hard! I think that when you’ve wanted to be a parent for a long time, and especially when you’ve had to go through a lot before having that baby, you just tend to really, really appreciate them. Yes, there are difficult moments, but you have those in all relationships. You don’t have the all consuming love for another being with just anyone like you do with your child.
9. Angella | October 14th, 2008 at 3:15 am
Best. Rant. Ever.
E. VER.
10. Hillary | October 14th, 2008 at 3:21 am
There is something about being pregnant that just makes people forget their manners, I swear. That being said, I admit to ranting at my husband prebaby that he couldn’t sleep til 10 or 11 a.m. on weekends once the baby arrived and he just better get used to it now. His point was always that he should get his sleep now. Let me tell you: He was right.
11. Emily | October 14th, 2008 at 4:35 am
I loved your observation that your friends “have a much more realistic interpretation of who I am today, rather than the person I was growing up.” Oh, man. Isn’t that the truth? I’m not pregnant, but I am going on the academic job market soon. And my family (okay, my mother) keeps giving me these “helpful” reminders, like “don’t wear sloppy clothes” and “don’t be rude.” Truth be told, I was neither sloppy nor rude as a child, so I don’t know where she’s coming with those insightful tips. But still. I KNOW.
12. Sadie | October 14th, 2008 at 5:07 am
Oh man, am I going to be a homicidal loon when I am pregnant – because I? I SNAP. You have a lot of patience, sister.
The gum thing? is very gross.
13. Bethany | October 14th, 2008 at 5:08 am
I’m sorry you’ve been constantly barraged with unsolicited advice. It does get to the point of ridiculous.
BUT! I have a funny cigarette story for you. Many years ago, I smoked for awhile, and was riding in the backseat of a friend’s car one day smoking a cigarette. I went to tap the ashes out of the window that I thought was opened a crack — however, the window was completely closed, causing me to jam the cigarette into the window and then DROP IT, STILL LIT, down my shirt. There was much flailing.
14. Emily | October 14th, 2008 at 5:18 am
I was just thinking about this yesterday, about how when I have grown children-people to dispense advice to (as my mother and MIL do to me) I PLAN TO STAY NEUTRAL.
My MIL says things like, “Why don’t you let the baby spend the night with us?” Which is annoying on all levels (WE DON’T NEED HIM TO SPEND THE NIGHT ANYWHERE, WE HAVE NO MONEY OR PLANS TO DO ANYTHING WITH ALL THAT EMPTY TIME) and I think if I were in her position, it would be nicer to say, “You know, any time you feel like you need a night off, we would be happy to help out by letting the baby sleep at our house.” Wouldn’t that be SO MUCH MORE PLEASANT TO HEAR?
Also? It doesn’t get better after the baby’s born, you just have to keep tuning it out. My mother got huffy in the bottle aisle the other day because I didn’t want to use Playtex drop-ins. But SHE used them, so I guess because I don’t want to, I’m insulting her? I DON’T KNOW.
15. bessie.viola | October 14th, 2008 at 5:23 am
Oh, the assvice. How irritating. I got more than my share in pregnancy as well, mostly because we were (are) young and got pregnant very quickly – I think people assumed we didn’t really think it over.
People are idiots. It’s insanely hard some days, but more than that – it’s incredible and amazing every day. You’ll be a great mom.
16. Jamie | October 14th, 2008 at 5:54 am
You are so right about other people’s projections of their own beliefs on your life – babies, work, etc. – everyone gets a piece of it at some point. I mean, shit, I met my parents out for lunch in the middle of a cold snap last week and GOD FORBID I was wearing a fleece jacket. You’d have thought my mother could have just let it slide, but NOOOOOO. She had to remind me about how unprofessional fleece looks with work clothes, and didn’t I care about getting promoted? Didn’t I want to look professional? Didn’t I want to punch her teeth in? Oh wait…
The number of beautiful formal coats in my closet were just damning evidence at that point – the fleece is just what I happened to grab. Argh.
17. Allison | October 14th, 2008 at 6:00 am
God, I HATED that “your life is going to end and it’s never going to be the same” shit that people threw at me all the time. It was like they didn’t want me to enjoy being a parent or enjoy my kid.
Yeah, the sleeping late days have ended but, BUT! You can take some kickass naps with your kid. Those are some sweet times and I hope they don’t end anytime soon.
18. Shelly | October 14th, 2008 at 6:23 am
“No woman, pregnant or not, wants unsolicited WEIGHT ADVICE”
Amen, sister girl.
19. Kristin | October 14th, 2008 at 6:56 am
Yes, what is it about family advice? So much more annoying. Anyone who repeats the “never sleep again” mantra to a pregnant couple deserves…well, I don’t know what. Something equally annoying to happen to them. My mom was the worst for me. “You just wait! Yooouuuuuu just waaaaaaaIT!!!”
I make it a point to tell every woman I meet who’s expecting that A) Kids are awesome, and B) she looks great.
I say this as my two-year old is trying to drop a stack of books on my laptop. But still. Love having kids.
20. Jess | October 14th, 2008 at 7:01 am
I was going through the same thing for awhile, with my older sister getting married and buying a house and working her way up the career ladder and planning for babies and generally proceeding according to plan with me just a few years behind. Except now she’s divorced and everything is different, and while it’s not what anyone would have chosen for her necessarily (except for her), it has certainly been freeing for me. Although in general I have enjoyed being the younger child and would select that position in the birth order if given the option to do it again.
21. -R- | October 14th, 2008 at 7:05 am
My mom offered to buy a car seat and stroller as a shower gift. She said she would send them to us a few weeks after the baby was born. I had to remind her that we would probably need the car seat earlier than that in order to take the baby home from the hospital. =)
I actually haven’t received that much unsolicited advice yet. I’m sorry you are being bombarded with it.
22. jonniker | October 14th, 2008 at 7:07 am
R: To explain the unsolicited advice perhaps, I should clarify that I have six (SIX) siblings, two of which are more than 10 years older than me and all of whom have children. I am also the usually proud owner of two complete sets of parents, not including my in-laws (who aren’t the advice-giving types).
23. -R- | October 14th, 2008 at 7:10 am
Oh, I do get the “Sleep now!” and “You’ll never go out again after you have a child!” I just ignore those people because they aren’t family, so I don’t have to be nice to them.
24. Erin | October 14th, 2008 at 7:40 am
I think the reason, if your family is anything like mine, that family advice is so much more hard to take is because it always feels condescending. Which is kind of the point you already made.
I am so not looking forward to the unsolicited procreation advice. I’m already swimming in so much unsolicited wedding advice from friends and in-laws that I feel kind of stabby.
25. Kristi | October 14th, 2008 at 8:41 am
Congrats on feeling the baby moving on the outside of your tummy – that is so exciting!
Sometimes, I almost think that the unsolicitied advice on INSERT TOPIC HERE is just to make people feel better about themselves – you know, in a superior sort of way. And I completely agree with you that most things in life have to be learned through your own mistakes and not those of others! I seriously think that was one of the hardest things about pregnancy.
Here’s hoping that people will just let you be already!
26. kris | October 14th, 2008 at 8:45 am
I hate this for you. It’s raining on your parade, and it isn’t cool. I wish sometimes that people, no matter how well intentioned, could just wait until after we leave to talk about us.
27. Erika Jurney | October 14th, 2008 at 9:25 am
Use the earplugs for the next family gathering! Those kinds of comments made me NUTS when I was pregnant too.
When you come home with the baby just lock the doors and pull down the shades for a week and enjoy some solitude
Babies are great. Toddlers are great. Big kids are a blast. It’s all good 
Good luck on your lease!
28. :: Plain Jane Mom Blog&hellip | October 14th, 2008 at 9:27 am
[...] assvice to make your ears [...]
29. Penny | October 14th, 2008 at 10:05 am
Heh. I think when parents say, “it’s hard,” it means “I’m tired and I must blow off steam,” and it gets translated wrong in the air or something.
I don’t think I’ve ever uttered those generic awful words yet, and this is a good reminder that I shouldn’t be starting up.
30. jonniker | October 14th, 2008 at 10:15 am
What’s funny about all this, and what I feel compelled to say, is that it’s MY PARENTS with the assvice this time. Not the parents of the children in question.
31. Mandee | October 14th, 2008 at 10:23 am
Man, that sounds all kinds of annoying. Good for you for maintaining your composure, though. I’m afraid my claws would have (unintentionally) come out after a full weekend of all that. I take great pride in being the bad cop on my sister’s behalf and telling people to shove it when they start in on her with all that nonsense.
32. Gaby | October 14th, 2008 at 10:36 am
As I was reading this, I came up with an idea–what if, for every bit of assvice you receive, you insist upon the giver of said assvice to come up with something positive/rewarding/wonderful about being a parent? This would make the giver have to think a bit beyond the stock “you’ll never do XYZ again” line, and it might even make the giver take stock in all of the good that comes out of being a mom or dad. As Julie pointed out, why does no one point out the awesome?
(Of course, I’ve never been pregnant; therefore, I’ve never faced this variety of assvice. BUT! I do have limited patience with the negative “I know something you don’t know” b.s., from family or otherwise.)
So, would this work? I’m curious.
33. jonniker | October 14th, 2008 at 10:39 am
It might work the first time, and I’ve actually tried something similar, by trying to get them to talk about the good stuff. It works for a minute, but eventually it becomes so all-consuming (especially when done passive aggressively) that it would be more exhausting to try, I think.
It’s so funny when you think about it. I mean, do they EVEN KNOW that they’re doing it?
34. Judie Ashford | October 14th, 2008 at 10:40 am
I had almost no one to ask advice from when pregnant, which was kind of scary. I got Dr. Spock’s book, but didn’t find time to read it. Happy to say, there were no crises that we couldn’t handle fairly easily during pregnancy, birth, child-rearing year. Just go with your instincts. You seem to be firing on all your cylinders, so expect you will do just fine.
Virtual hugs,
Judie
35. lightspeed | October 14th, 2008 at 1:30 pm
I had to laugh at your gum-toss-return story. I should warn you about Bernoulli’s Principle – *Nevah* throw anything out of any vehicle moving at high speed! I’ve heard more than one first hand account from friends who, after passengers got sick in their small aircraft, made the fatal error of throwing the bag out a window only to have the bag make a swift return back through the window, usually hitting them in the head.
Congratulations on your impending bébé! I am so thrilled for you! As for all the concerned warnings about the difficulties of parenting…I think such helpful advice usually comes from people who don’t feel they have gotten enough sympathy and strokes for their own efforts and are afraid to express their frustration in a more direct manner. I fear that they will later turn to their own children and demand gratitude for how difficult they were to raise. Oy.
Stay healthy and, for goodness sake, eat whatever you want!
36. beyond | October 14th, 2008 at 2:36 pm
no advice whatsoever from me today…
37. willikat | October 14th, 2008 at 6:24 pm
why is it that people feel they can give you unsolicited advice on the biggest parts of your life, the ones where YOU get the most control? (weddings and pregnancy come to mind as the two biggies).
i am sure they mean well, but it’d be nice if they’d back off, eh?
i hoe you eat whatever you want. i hope you get the baby seat when YOU want to. i hope you pick the exact name you and adam want.
i know you’ll be great parents. and man, after all that puking, the not sleeping and all that–honeymoon!
and wait–oh yeah. you will have a perfect baby that you love and that loves you back. and that’s pure heaven. right?
38. Swistle | October 15th, 2008 at 7:19 am
I need a good comment to say! Come ON, good comment! Comment comment comment. Because I loved this whole post so much and feel like I have so much agreement and so much to say about it, and yet I have nothing to say. Except that I loved this whole post.
39. the new girl | October 15th, 2008 at 8:53 am
I’m with Angella and Swistle. Best rant EVAH.
40. Nora Bee | October 15th, 2008 at 9:56 am
Those comments were, hands down, the worst part of my pregnancy. Worse than 20 week s of hurling. “Do what you can now, because you won’t be able to later….” “Get your rest now….” “Life will never be the same….” and if there was ever, heaven forbid, a child around doing anything besides sitting quietly with a book–my favorite–”THIS is what you have to look forward to!”
Luckily pregnant ladies get a lot of slack for the mood thing so I just had a few crying jags and eventually my loved ones stopped. Of course that didn’t work with strangers and such, but ha! I just started saying how excited I was.
41. Blythe | October 15th, 2008 at 1:28 pm
My heart goes out to any youngest member of a big family who is going through a life-changing event. My sister-in-law (youngest of 6) just got married and I thought the opinions and the advice would NEVER END. And they weren’t even directed toward me. That “baby of the family” thing isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.
People like to feel like they’re doing things The Right Way. And one way to feel like that is to profess loudly what The Right Way is, and to make sure everyone knows it. And when it comes to family members, we don’t even try to be nice about it.
(and, about the ROI, seriously, I think it’s the universe’s way of paying you back for all the crappy stuff that goes along with pregnancy. Just wait until Monday and that big ultrasound! Hooray! )
42. Anyabeth | October 15th, 2008 at 6:39 pm
It is the sad sad truth that no pregnant lady ever has been the “right weight.” And every single one has been to fat or too thin and often in the same day.
It is usually men that say this. Or old ladies in elevators.
43. Lotta | October 16th, 2008 at 10:04 am
I did that with my gum once, only it few back in and landed on my kid. Nice.
I had a puke route planned out on my way to work. Dunkin Donuts, McDonald’s..places I could run into to puke if I needed to. No doubt they were like, “Fuck. There’s that puking pregnant woman again!”
44. Maggy | October 20th, 2008 at 12:00 pm
Why do people not talk about the awesome? Oh, no, they only ever say things like “Your life will never be the same,” and they look at each other with these smug, knowing, almost mean smiles. Thanks, people. It’s not like we can do anything about it now.
45. Jessica | October 28th, 2008 at 11:10 am
I got so sick of hearing how AWFUL motherhood was going to be. Whenever I’d express a desire to get to the end since my pregnancies are soooo delightful, people would gasp and say things like, “Oh no, dearie, the baby is much easier to take care of when it’s inside!” and “Oh you’ll be sorry then! You’ll have to DEAL WITH IT when it’s out.”
Are you kidding me? This is our attitude about parenthood? About babies? Let’s just stay pregnant forever, then.
Now I always try to make a point to pipe up in the midst of all the gloom and doom and tell the poor cowering mama to be in the corner that it AWESOME and she’ll be GREAT.
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