The Circus
October 14th, 2008
I bought some bras at TJ Maxx today in a size that still has me reeling, because I’ve never been much of a bosomy type, and here I am, the proud owner of a bunch of inexpensive bras with four hooks in the back — the kind made for people who need extra support. I looked at the size, then looked at the bra and thought, no way is this going to fit me. No way.
And OMG, they all do. “Whose boobs these are, I think I know. Her house lies in the village, though.” Honestly, I cannot stop putting my boobs into Robert Frost’s poetry, because every second, I’m asking myself “WHOSE BOOBS ARE THESE? NOT MINE.” I also have an odd tendency to turn ordinary thoughts into that one stupid poem and get it stuck in my head, not unlike the constant propensity for me to get the theme from “Picture Pages” jammed firmly into my brain. I call this one “Stopping by Boobs on a Swollen Evening”.
I needed the bras, by the way, because I could no longer remotely squeeze the girls into the bras I had before — two whole sizes in both directions will do that to you — and it was looking rather obvious to the outside world, even while wearing clothing. There would be the bra, and then there would be the terrifying bulge of the Boob That Refused To Be Subdued. The BTRTBS-to-bra ratio, by the way, was at three-to-one. Not good.
My pregnancy, by the way, continues to be one of the most … exciting on record, because not only are we extricating ourselves from our current lease because our house was sold and new people want to live in it — surprisingly, they don’t want to live in it with us! — leaving us to find a new place and move into it (lease-signing scheduled for tomorrow for real!), but the new owner needed to fix a window and ripped a giant gaping hole in the one conveniently located near my side of the bed. Hello! I live inside of this here cave if you need me, and it’s accessible by merely pulling away the makeshift bath towel curtains! It’s a good thing it’s warm outside!
So! In addition to securing a new place to live and, you know, moving and nesting and generally freaking out, our tenant — the one I loved, who paid on time and asked if she could clean the windows — has decided to leave three months before her lease ends with vague notice and no real apology. This, of course, means, that we are now tasked with the exciting job of finding a new, responsible tenant who will not tear up our “investment” (OH HA HA) in Florida. From Vermont. While pregnant and moving ourselves and doing all the things normal pregnant people have to do without this added crap (and OH THAT LIST IS LONG).
Aaand, tomorrow I have to meet the electrician at 7 a.m. so that he can fix absolutely nothing of relevance to me or the house I’ll be living in, come 60 days’ time. And when I pushed back, they made me feel lazy, like OH POOR WOMAN CAN’T SLEEP IN. WE ELECTRICIANS RISE AT 3 A.M. AND GREET THE DAY WITH A SMILE. When, really, I think we can all agree that being awake and hovering angrily over the coffee pot in your pajamas is far different than being awake and answering the door like Perky Pam in a dotted apron with lipstick on and showing the nice men to your smoke detectors with a flourish.
It’s all making me feel very stabby, but after seriously freaking out in the form of a giant meltdown worthy of a Lifetime melodrama (starring Alyssa Milano!) this afternoon, I have opted to be positive and sunny, thanks to the calming influence of my husband, who is taking over the tenant portion of our show entirely so that I don’t have to worry my sad, pretty little pregnant head over it (although I will). And we both sort of realized that while yes, some things suck and have sucked and will continue to suck, it is all manageable and what is most important is that we are all healthy and happy and, for the smallest of us, still kicking mightily.
Anyway! I think what the world needs now is Schooner Tuna. We need a bald man to come on the screen and tell us that theyr’e reducing prices by 50 cents a can until this economic crisis is over. We need miniature American flags! And we need the reminder that we’re all in this together! I mean, the three — excuse me, FOUR, including Sunny — of us, anyway.
ALSO! There is Sookie Stackhouse! And Entourage! And free HBO and Showtime for two years because Comcast is suffering in these downtrodden times! And hey, it’s hot in here, but I have a built-in AC unit thanks to the window that sort of kind of isn’t!
Happy Wednesday!
*Erasure, featuring my pretend boyfriend Vince Clarke. And it’s really quite an appropriate choice for the time, title aside.
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
21 Comments Add your own
1. Susanna | October 14th, 2008 at 9:24 pm
Congrats on the boob upgrade– who says pregnancy is all vomiting and headaches?
Also, stabby? Are you a Jezebel reader, my dear? I dearly hope so.
And YAY Sookie Stackhouse. I’m reading the books which are very good fun. I trust that the series has more explicit vampire sex.
2. Emily | October 15th, 2008 at 4:13 am
Wait, I’m confused. If the tenant is leaving thee months early, isn’t it up to her to either a) pay for those last three months or b) find someone who will? That might buy you some time to find a new, responsible tenant… just a thought.
3. jonniker | October 15th, 2008 at 4:18 am
Emily, yes, but enforcing a lease is a pain in the ass — you can hold her to it, but it requires chasing her down, filing papers in small claims court, etc. We certainly plan to do those things, but the law also states that we’re required to put in a “good faith effort” to find a new tenant before pushing the lease.
No matter what, we still have to find a new tenant.
4. TwoBusy | October 15th, 2008 at 4:50 am
Ah, Schooner Tuna. (waving tiny American flag)
And thank you for putting your boobs into Robert Frost’s poetry, which – I’ve long felt – was lacking in the same.
5. Allison | October 15th, 2008 at 5:15 am
Oh, no, you did not say that “Picture Pages” goes through your head because I was TOTALLY singing that as I walked into school this morning.
6. Claire | October 15th, 2008 at 5:18 am
Love the Mr. Mom reference!
7. Jess | October 15th, 2008 at 5:41 am
Ugh. What a mess. This really seems unfair. And did I see a tweet about a collapsed ceiling? Please tell me that was a metaphor.
8. slynnro | October 15th, 2008 at 5:42 am
Landlord tenant law BLOWS for the landlord. BLOWS. Sorry this is such bad timing!
9. jonniker | October 15th, 2008 at 6:19 am
Jess: No metaphor! Ceiling caving in! Linen closet needs to be rewashed in its entirety! Strange men sifting through my things in an effort to clean up! PLEASE KILL ME NOW.
10. Lawyerish | October 15th, 2008 at 8:22 am
Ditto what Allison said. “Picture Pages” goes through my head ALL the time.
11. the new girl | October 15th, 2008 at 8:59 am
Oh MAN.
I laughed and LAUGHED about the The BTRTBS-to-bra ratio and then, we went in a whole DIFFERENT direction, complete with caved-in ceilings and men rooting through your things and OMG, Jonna.
O. M. GGGGGGG.
12. Julie | October 15th, 2008 at 9:29 am
Longtime lurker…you really cracked me up today! The Frost! The Schooner Tuna! And now…now I have the Picture Pages theme in my head, too.
Don’t these people understand that you are busy growing a human? Cooperate, universe!!
13. Nora Bee | October 15th, 2008 at 9:50 am
The bra-buying thing is enough to ruin anyone’s day, much less electricians and landlady crap on top of it. Seriously.
14. Kristin H | October 15th, 2008 at 10:23 am
Thank you for Picture Pages! It replaced the old Wendy’s commercial set to “Only You” that’s been bashing around in my head for two days.
I wonder if your boobs will get bigger once the baby is born? Mine didn’t change a whole lot while I was pregnant, but they were Gi-normous once the baby was born. I found the bras at Motherhood Maternity to be very comfy (though I know you’re down on them!). http://tinyurl.com/4u6vex
15. Sarah | October 15th, 2008 at 11:56 am
Oh how I LOVED my boobs during pregnancy. Now? They are like miniature deflated balloons. SMALLER than original! How can than even be possible?? I couldn’t even breast feed!
So I asked my husband “What would you think if I got little implants..Not too much, just to get them where they used to be?”
He says:” I really don’t know why you’re freaking out (maybe cuz I went from a nice full C to a freaking barely B!)”
I thought about it….”Ok..Let’s cut off an inch of your precious one and see how you like it.”
He says” ooooo..Point taken…”
Thank you very much.
16. mar | October 15th, 2008 at 7:34 pm
i suck on geography & can’t remember where you guys were in fla. i’m certain that you inadvertently mentioned it at some point. my bff is looking for a place. are you anywhere near the dunedin, st pete (these places could be miles away from each other-see previously mentioned suckage at geography)?
also, i abhor bra shopping. i can’t imagine having none of mine fitting & having to go restock. especially because i can’t abide by cheap bras. the girls need support & that was one thing g-ma taught my mom & she taught me: don’t skimp on bra support!
yay for new lease signage & bleah for um, repairs on current residence.
17. Angella | October 15th, 2008 at 8:14 pm
The Boobs is the ONLY reason I would consider being pregnant again. Not enough to sway me though…
18. Hollylynne | October 16th, 2008 at 9:00 am
this boob thing does not bode well for me . . .
LOVE the True Blood. V. ticked that the grandmother got killed off, she was my favorite character. I think she KNEW things.
19. Amy K | October 16th, 2008 at 9:46 am
I know what you mean. My knockers grew from a 36B to a 36DD within the first two months, and I’ve been eyeing the amount of overflow suspiciously these days. Maybe I can just buy two belly slings and rope them together if I get any bigger. When I open the washing machine now and see the ginormous bras, there’s always a moment where I feel like someone (my grandma?) else’s laundry must have accidentally mingled with mine. Sleep is impossible without a sports bra. My husband feigns sympathy, but I’m sure he feels like he won the lottery.
20. Jen | October 16th, 2008 at 12:07 pm
RIght there with you in the huge boob wagon. I bought new bras at about the 11-12 week point, and they are already feeling restrictive at 20 weeks. It’s hard to believe they will get BIGGER after the baby is here and the milk comes in. I already feel like I am walking around with cannons on my chest.
21. how to fix bad credit&hellip | December 5th, 2009 at 6:15 am
how to fix bad credit…
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