Intelligentactile 101

Things are looking up a little after the Great Electrician Day, wherein the ceiling collapsed, our entire linen closet, plus our regular closet, was covered in insulation and strange men rifled through my underwear in an effort to clean up the disaster they’d created. Oy vey, man, OY VEY. I mean, it was freaking MAYHEM up in this piece yesterday, and even after four and a half hours of two men trying to re-wire a smoke detector, the light above the staircase is still dangling by a wire. Why? Because the CEILING COLLAPSED around it and boy howdy, they didn’t think THAT was going to happen, and thus began the replastering and panic of the fine workers of Joe’s Electric. There was also that stellar thirty minutes where the smoke detector became stuck in the ‘on’ position, screeching, “DANGER! DANGER! EVACUATE! EVACUATE!”

I tell you, I really did have to fight the instinct to evacuate. It was all very … compelling. Plus there was that totally creepy moment when I had to shower while they were here and Adam wasn’t and gah, I had all these weird visions of molestation by electrician until I realized I’m fairly obviously pregnant, so unless they had a FETISH of some sort, I was likely unappealing no matter what. And then I grossed myself out and died. The end.

In good news, we did sign our lease on our new digs and tomorrow, we formally extricate ourselves from the current ones via a meeting and document-signing with a nice lawyer who has drawn up some nice papers to ensure that the new owners will understand under no uncertain terms that no no, we won’t be living here, and no, no, they can’t make us, no matter what happens with their shit, yo. (Even though we already were freed and OH, this is all confusing, nevermind.) This is courtesy of the nice CURRENT owners of the house who are lovely and thoughtful, even if I had to hound them every day for such papers because I am suspicious and untrusting.

And not to make this a rehash the other day, but would you believe that I think I’m even BUSTIER than previously imagined? I … I think I’m a D, and I was a WEE B prior to this whole mess. This sounds very porny and attractive in theory, but as a side effect of pregnancy, it’s all very disturbing, as many of you have written to commiserate.

Also more on the weird than magical side? Fetal movement. I mean, it’s way cool to feel that little thing in there kicking around, really it is, and I wouldn’t want it to stop for one second (BECAUSE I WOULD DIE AND FREAK OUT). But once in awhile, it gets creepy. There’s a PERSON in there, all wiggling around up in my personal space and shit, and although I already love this kid more than anything in the world, imagine, if you will, feeling a creature poking you in the bladder and wondering what that strange twitching is just below your bellybutton before you remember, OH RIGHT. IT’S PROBABLY AN ARM. AN ARM THAT IS NOT MINE.

Before you know it, your mind goes to the fact that oh my God, there’s a freakin’ MINIATURE PERSON in there, and if I give it too much thought, I get nauseated, and I know that’s awful, but it happens. It’s like my stomach feels like it has to purge the intruder, which of course it doesn’t and oh my God, never would, but it happens. I’m not saying that pregnancy isn’t a miracle, but it does indeed have its parasitic moments.

Anyway, look, there is so much going on here that it’s effing madness, and by the end of the day, I’m so tired I can barely see straight (like, uh, right now), but I couldn’t leave a complain-y post up! I couldn’t! Because Monday, y’all, we find out what this kid is. Last chance to hazard a guess, man. Me? I’m thinking it’s a girl. I will be SHOCKED if it’s not a girl, frankly, but this line of thinking has pulled me into a conflicted vortex of being both thrilled and disappointed no matter what. But of course, as long as it has all of its itty bitty parts, I will not care. Especially because in both cases, it appears that the kid might already have a name. (THAT WE ARE NOT SHARING UNTIL IT IS BORN.) How magical is that?

Have a great weekend.

*Jesca Hoop. About the gestation of a girl, y’all.

39 comments October 16th, 2008