Intelligentactile 101
October 16th, 2008
Things are looking up a little after the Great Electrician Day, wherein the ceiling collapsed, our entire linen closet, plus our regular closet, was covered in insulation and strange men rifled through my underwear in an effort to clean up the disaster they’d created. Oy vey, man, OY VEY. I mean, it was freaking MAYHEM up in this piece yesterday, and even after four and a half hours of two men trying to re-wire a smoke detector, the light above the staircase is still dangling by a wire. Why? Because the CEILING COLLAPSED around it and boy howdy, they didn’t think THAT was going to happen, and thus began the replastering and panic of the fine workers of Joe’s Electric. There was also that stellar thirty minutes where the smoke detector became stuck in the ‘on’ position, screeching, “DANGER! DANGER! EVACUATE! EVACUATE!”
I tell you, I really did have to fight the instinct to evacuate. It was all very … compelling. Plus there was that totally creepy moment when I had to shower while they were here and Adam wasn’t and gah, I had all these weird visions of molestation by electrician until I realized I’m fairly obviously pregnant, so unless they had a FETISH of some sort, I was likely unappealing no matter what. And then I grossed myself out and died. The end.
In good news, we did sign our lease on our new digs and tomorrow, we formally extricate ourselves from the current ones via a meeting and document-signing with a nice lawyer who has drawn up some nice papers to ensure that the new owners will understand under no uncertain terms that no no, we won’t be living here, and no, no, they can’t make us, no matter what happens with their shit, yo. (Even though we already were freed and OH, this is all confusing, nevermind.) This is courtesy of the nice CURRENT owners of the house who are lovely and thoughtful, even if I had to hound them every day for such papers because I am suspicious and untrusting.
And not to make this a rehash the other day, but would you believe that I think I’m even BUSTIER than previously imagined? I … I think I’m a D, and I was a WEE B prior to this whole mess. This sounds very porny and attractive in theory, but as a side effect of pregnancy, it’s all very disturbing, as many of you have written to commiserate.
Also more on the weird than magical side? Fetal movement. I mean, it’s way cool to feel that little thing in there kicking around, really it is, and I wouldn’t want it to stop for one second (BECAUSE I WOULD DIE AND FREAK OUT). But once in awhile, it gets creepy. There’s a PERSON in there, all wiggling around up in my personal space and shit, and although I already love this kid more than anything in the world, imagine, if you will, feeling a creature poking you in the bladder and wondering what that strange twitching is just below your bellybutton before you remember, OH RIGHT. IT’S PROBABLY AN ARM. AN ARM THAT IS NOT MINE.
Before you know it, your mind goes to the fact that oh my God, there’s a freakin’ MINIATURE PERSON in there, and if I give it too much thought, I get nauseated, and I know that’s awful, but it happens. It’s like my stomach feels like it has to purge the intruder, which of course it doesn’t and oh my God, never would, but it happens. I’m not saying that pregnancy isn’t a miracle, but it does indeed have its parasitic moments.
Anyway, look, there is so much going on here that it’s effing madness, and by the end of the day, I’m so tired I can barely see straight (like, uh, right now), but I couldn’t leave a complain-y post up! I couldn’t! Because Monday, y’all, we find out what this kid is. Last chance to hazard a guess, man. Me? I’m thinking it’s a girl. I will be SHOCKED if it’s not a girl, frankly, but this line of thinking has pulled me into a conflicted vortex of being both thrilled and disappointed no matter what. But of course, as long as it has all of its itty bitty parts, I will not care. Especially because in both cases, it appears that the kid might already have a name. (THAT WE ARE NOT SHARING UNTIL IT IS BORN.) How magical is that?
Have a great weekend.
*Jesca Hoop. About the gestation of a girl, y’all.
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
39 Comments Add your own
1. Amy K | October 16th, 2008 at 8:43 pm
I still think you’re having a boy. Can’t wait to tune in Monday for the big reveal!
2. Jen | October 16th, 2008 at 8:49 pm
I vote boy! If the thought of a limb all up in your grill is weird, just imagine the thought of a tiny little penis growing inside of you!
3. She Likes Purple | October 16th, 2008 at 8:50 pm
I’m sticking with my girl guess, but I CANNOT WAIT TO KNOW.
4. Hillary | October 17th, 2008 at 2:54 am
Wait until the baby gets hiccups. The Boy got them all the time in utero. It was the most odd, distracting thing. It really feels like a hiccup, except you’re not having hiccups.
5. Allison | October 17th, 2008 at 4:31 am
I hope it’s a girl because they are super fun. And even if you fancy yourself a non-girly girl (as I once did), it’s way fun when your daughter wears light up clear plastic Cinderella high heels all the time when you are at home. Because those are not shoes that we wear to Target.
6. Carrie | October 17th, 2008 at 4:46 am
Hiccups! Oh yes! My boy got those ALL THE TIME. It’s just the strangest thing! And my eldest girl had this weird twingy thing I kept feeling. Not 24 hours after she was born, there she was–with a weird twinge to her leg (which promptly went away, thank you). And then once while a work, (I think it was with the boy), the baby moved, and a co-worker ACROSS THE AISLE said, “Did the baby just move?” Yes, indeed, it was such a large ALIEN-LIKE movement, that it could be seen from across the room!
Ah yes….memories….
Still think it’s a girl. Can’t wait until Monday!
7. Kristin H | October 17th, 2008 at 4:58 am
Hooray, a reason to look forward to Monday! Do you have a feeling that it’s a girl, or are you just figuring it’s a girl because karma dictates it will be so since you’re scared of having one? With both of mine I had a definite feeling of the gender, and I was right, though that could have just been luck.
Also, in the room during the ultrasound with my boy, “Baby Blue” was playing on the radio and I took that as a sign that it would indeed be a boy. The universe is centered around me, you see.
I remember sitting in my chair at work and seeing, on my stretched-tight belly skin, some sharp, pointy baby part move languidly across my abdomen. Alien indeed.
8. Jen | October 17th, 2008 at 5:29 am
I’m thinking girl! Can’t wait to read your update on Monday now!
I had a day where I would have sworn the baby was playing soccer in there, and then the next day? Quiet as all heck. I was all freaked out and then realized that it just tuckered itself right out. Baby movement is awesome, but when I don’t feel it for a bit, I start to get nervous. Usually it’s good about giving a little reassuring kick at just the right moment though.
Right with you and Jennie on not sharing the names until the babies are born. As you said this week, everyone already has enough assvice – we don’t need to hear their opinions on names too!
9. H | October 17th, 2008 at 5:30 am
As Kristin H mentioned, the super weird stuff happens at the end of the pregnancy, when every movement is visible from the outside and the baby does a 360 with an elbow or a knee skimming across your abdomen. Or, when the baby curls up in what must seem like a comfy corner of the uterus and sleeps (or gets stuck) and suddenly you’ve got an oblong diagonal shape with either buttocks or a head bulging in the upper side.
Monday will be exciting!
10. Sadie | October 17th, 2008 at 5:43 am
This home-improvement-fiasco story would have only been improved if it was a plumbing incident, and then you had to call…oh, never mind, I am already sick of those jokes.
I tend to side with a mother’s instinct, so if yours truly dictates that you’re having a girl, I will vote with you. But had you not mentioned your belief that it’s a girl, I would totally have said boy.
11. Angella | October 17th, 2008 at 5:53 am
Parasite is a PERFECT analysis. I got a virus while pregnant with Emily, and was all worried because I couldn’t eat without it, um, flying THROUGH my body. My doctor assured me that all babies are parasites – they take what they need and you get the rest.
I found his analogy funny. And also, true.
12. nonsoccermom | October 17th, 2008 at 6:09 am
Oh, yeah. Pregnancy is totally freaking weird, yo. Exactly like some sort of parasitic invasion, and quite frankly, I have seen the movie Alien one too many times to be totally comfortable with that. Just wait until the end when the kid is SO BIG that you can easily identify the bony little parts that are poking you in the kidneys!!! Weird and awesome all at the same time.
Hmm. I thought I was pregnant with a girl the first time and WRONG. Boy. Thought I was pregnant with a boy the second time and NO. Girl! So what I’m saying is, my motherly intuition is WAAAY off about such things. But I am going to assume yours is better, so I am going to agree that you are harboring a girl parasite in there! Can’t wait to find out!!
13. December | October 17th, 2008 at 6:45 am
These are the exact reasons I’m not so keen on spawning. (but I’m really enjoying hearing about YOU go through it!!)
And I’m not a ‘baby person.’
And I don’t really groove on pain. Or being tired, or covered in other people’s goo.
((shudder))
yeahh… still not ready! Glad we worked that out!
14. Diane | October 17th, 2008 at 7:02 am
I am going with girl as well.
And am cracking up at Jen’s comment -
“just imagine the thought of a tiny little penis growing inside of you!”
15. Swistle | October 17th, 2008 at 7:05 am
It is a CRAZY WAY to reproduce the species. INSIDE THE FEMALE OF THE SPECIES. SICK! If we were an egg-laying species, and it was aliens who got pregnant, we’d all be barfing at the idea.
Also, in the maternity ward after Henry was born, there was an electrical malfunction and the fire alarm kept going off during the night. And I had to SERIOUSLY FIGHT MYSELF to stay in the building, because the voice telling us to leave was so very persuasive. I had to keep going out (dragging my IV) and saying to the totally calm nurses, “It’s just another false alarm, right? We don’t need to leave, right?” and they were like, “Trust us, we make sure EVERY TIME, and if it were a real emergency you would hear us yelling and we would be coming to drag you out of here.” Still.
Also, I think you’re having a girl. But my guess is boy. See how I cover my bases? Either way I can say I was “right.”
16. Jess | October 17th, 2008 at 7:27 am
When I am pregnant, I imagine that I will feel very similar to how you feel. Especially if my Barely Bs grow to Ds (oh, the horror!). But hopefully without the collapsing housing situation in every sense of the word.
17. Casey | October 17th, 2008 at 7:49 am
I’ve never been pregnant before but I have always secretly housed the same fears you have, about parasites and whatnot. I know it should not be creepy, etc. but I can’t help but have mixed emotions about it. I’m glad someone else finally verbalized it. I will have to link to this post when my time comes!
18. Cassie | October 17th, 2008 at 9:08 am
Pregnancy definitely does have its parasitic moments. Sometimes, my son would get so violent and my stomach would jump up and down so much that my mind would go immediately to that infamous scene in Alien, you know the one. Aaaaand, now I’ve just put that in your head. You’re welcome for that.
I think you’re having a boy, but I can’t wait to hear either way!
19. Jen W. | October 17th, 2008 at 9:54 am
I didn’t know Joe the plumber had a side business in electrical work!
Glad you’re getting out of the falling ceiling situation. I say girl too, for no other reason than just because.
20. Emily | October 17th, 2008 at 10:19 am
How is it possible that I HAVE KNOWN THE SEX OF MY BABY FOR TEN ENTIRE WEEKS AND YOU HAVE NAMES BEFORE I DO?
GAH.
Can’t wait to hear the news Monday!
21. Jhianna | October 17th, 2008 at 10:42 am
I KNEW IT! All the women trying to convince me to have a baby always pulled out that “magical” “wonderful” “miracle of life” stuff when they talked about being pregnant. I knew there had to be alien moments, because dude – there’s an arm/foot/elbow in there and THAT’S NOT RIGHT.
I always get weird when I have to shower with people in the house. Even when I know that they’d be as mortified to intrude as I’d be if it happened, my mind keeps freaking out. Doesn’t help that we have one of those master bathrooms that has no door from the bedroom. I get the unreasonable fear that they’re going to think they can pop in to get something from the bedroom without disturbing me. Who does that?
22. -R- | October 17th, 2008 at 11:16 am
My husband keeps saying, “There is a whole person inside of you!” And I keep ignoring him because I cannot think about it like that.
I am very glad I have never seen the movie Alien.
I think I guessed boy last time you mentioned it, so I am going to guess boy again.
23. Marin | October 17th, 2008 at 2:28 pm
I usually have a “feeling” about boy/girl (um, is it weird that I have that feeling about people I only know about through the Internet?), but I’m not even going to try.
When we got wood floors put in our house, we couldn’t walk upstairs for days. Not quite the same as drywall being all over your clothes, but hey, you do what you can.
24. the new girl | October 17th, 2008 at 4:24 pm
We used to do that conversation, too, like -R- but I played along too because I like to torture myself like that.
‘There’s a whole person in there. And she’s aaaaalive. And she moves around and kicks and has the freaking hiccups. I used to feel really specific movements, like she was stretching and putting her arms up over her head and sure enough, when she came out, she was ALWAYS laying there with her arms up.
I would always freak out, too, to think about the day AFTER they come out. They are pretty much EXACTLY like they were the day before, only now–they’re out. They were just IN and now? They are OUT. Just like Project Runway. Creepy.
25. Kristin | October 17th, 2008 at 4:47 pm
I am cracking up at The New Girl’s description of the day after because she’s right on. The baby was in! Now she’s out! This entire person was inside me! It’s amazing like that. Also, my favorite joke for a brand-new baby: “What, do you think I was born yesterday?”
I’m the hit of the hospital, I tell ya.
26. MsPrufrock | October 18th, 2008 at 10:24 am
I, too had some weird moments soon after feeling P move in utero. I loved the amazingness of it all, but not long after I really struggled with the oddness of the sensation of fetal movement. I’m sorry, it is amazing, but creepy.
Oh yeah, and what New Girl said. Hilarious, and oh so true!
27. JoJo | October 19th, 2008 at 2:45 pm
Hey am de-lurking to say I too am looking forward to the big reveal!
Also I’m a regular Lawyerish reader and can’t get on to it right now. any ideas?
28. Kristabella | October 19th, 2008 at 3:21 pm
With your sickness, I’m saying girl. And only because that’s how my SIL was with my niece.
I can’t wait to hear the news tomorrow!
Also, I’m already a D cup, I can’t get pregnant because there is no need to be bigger than that! That frightens me more than the pain of pushing a kid out your va-jay-jay.
29. mar | October 19th, 2008 at 6:32 pm
i was also just trying to get on to lawyerish & am blocked. blocked!
30. Pam | October 19th, 2008 at 7:17 pm
Okay, I haven’t commented an awful lot(once) but I swear I’ve been reading along forever and I’m SO excited for you! I’m guessing boy. Even with 50-50 odds I’m usually wrong.
The whole alien thing gets even weirder as they get older. I mean how could someone who is taller than me have ever fit in there? How can I have a kid who looks nothing like me? And… And…
Oh, yeah. Also blocked from lawyerish.
Can’t wait until tomorrow!
31. Kristi | October 19th, 2008 at 7:55 pm
I think it’s a boy – based on nothing but women’s intuition!
32. Leah | October 20th, 2008 at 9:44 am
Just yesterday I was commnting on how fucked up it is that we gestate our young inside our bodies. Why not an egg?! An egg makes so much more sense!
33. Lara | October 20th, 2008 at 11:18 am
Okay, so I’m SO CURIOUS to know what you’re having! Although now that I’ve said that, it sounds a littie kooky of me, not knowing you personally and all. So now I sound like a stalker. Awesome.
Oh, and I too think it is weird that we grow babies inside our bodies. Or gestate them. Whatevs. When I think too much about it, I also think sex is weird.
34. Maggy | October 20th, 2008 at 11:51 am
We had fake names picked out for our now three year old. We expected an easter baby so we had “Pascal” and “Eglantyne.” Also “Victoriana Regina.” And “Torquil Gustav.” You are a literary person, so I’m guessing you can think of some lovely fake names. We didn’t share any of the real name ideas so nobody could say anything like, “Oh, I knew a boy with that name. He was a jerk.” Why do people say things like that?
I vote girl because of the nausea, but I hope you get whatever you’re hoping for. How’s that for covering my bases?
35. Nora Bee | October 20th, 2008 at 12:53 pm
Very exciting. I threw up at my 20 week US, good times. Hope the little peanut is healthy and shows her/his stuff for the world to see!
36. Sarah | October 20th, 2008 at 1:26 pm
Oh the memories! I would sit behind my desk at work and think “I am making human bones inside me RIGHT NOW…And they are NOT MINE.” And I would freak out. Then I would think of things that were on my online calendar that were being grown day by day, like eyelashes or lips and I would will myself to think “Ok..make loooong gorgeous eyelashes today. Oh? You need Ben and Jerrys to do this? Not a problem!” “Angelina Jolie lips today, folks! Time for pumpkin pie!”
Ps..I have one of each….But there is something about buying little dresses and tights with little uggs!!!
37. Leah | October 20th, 2008 at 2:36 pm
I just went to the Dark Side (aka Twitter) to see if you’d posted the news yet. I can’t wait!!!!
38. Brynne | October 20th, 2008 at 10:13 pm
I’m clearly a little late to the party but I had to add this:
About the B to D situation… I’m sure someone has mentioned this to you already because I heard I every time the subject came up– “Just wait until your milk comes in…” usually around the 3rd day after giving birth. I was all Yeah, yeah… But holy CRAP! Looking back, I can honestly say I wish I had taken a picture of those things cause keeyrist they were not of this planet.
39. Becky | October 24th, 2008 at 6:45 am
Um, I wanted to read all the comments, because I’m so excited for you and it’s so interesting to me to see what other people say, but all I keep thinking is “NOOOOOO!!!” Because I already have D/DD boobs. And if they are going to get even bigger when/if I get pregnant I don’t know what I’ll do. Gah.
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