Who’s Johnny?
October 29th, 2008
As I said to my friend Erica today, it’s time for me to procure a maternity coat, oh my lands. Because it’s … well, it’s snowing, my friends. (Picture, if you will, my arms outstretched, not rising past my shoulders. Oh! And I am wearing a tie.) Three times in the last week, in fact. Three times! Snow!
I know!
!!!
Now, look, I realize I live in Vermont, where things like this HAPPEN, you know, being so far north and all, but it’s not like I’m in the wilds outside of St. Albans or in the Northeast Kingdom, where you can ski through May. (Yes, MAY.) And Quebec is probably gearing up for ski season right now, but for the love of God, it’s not even Halloween yet. Must we? Seriously?
Apparently we must. Also, I find it amusing that so many people advise against a maternity coat, when seriously, no. No, you DO need a maternity coat, I’m sorry. Wow, that clearly sounded antagonistic, when really, I am not angry about what people say about maternity wear, but I keep finding myself wondering what in the Sam Hill people DO when it’s SNOWING OUT and they are pregnant and they don’t have a maternity coat. Drape an afghan around their shoulders and call it a day? Decide to prepare their baby for a lifetime in Alaska by going unbuttoned, exposing the belly to the elements? It might be that I have particularly fitted coats, but man, I can hardly button my peacoat anymore, and it’s OCTOBER. And did I mention it’s snowing?
(Hold me, please. It is SNOWING.)
In other news, feeling the baby kick has gone from weird to a little painful, and yesterday was vaguely reminiscent of having someone noodle in my girly bits with a speculum … from the inside. Pregnancy! Nature’s miracle, I tell you. I didn’t know such a thing was possible, but there you have it. Painful uterine scrapings at the hand of an impotent little one-pounder who doesn’t even have enough fat to fill out her wrinkles. Nervy little girl, that one.
I made fried chicken tonight — not in a FryDaddy, fear not — and was reminded of my horrid aversion to fried ANYTHING just a few short weeks ago. My, my, we have come so far. I mean, to normal pregnant women I probably seem like I’m still ensconced in the ninth level of hell, seeing as there is still a fair amount of nausea. And yes, still some barfing at almost 22 weeks, but I’ve been making dinner almost every night again, and my God, I actually eat some of it. Now that I’m a little more rational, too, I can ONLY IMAGINE what I must have looked like storming to my neighbors downstairs and screeching, “STOP FRYING. OH MY GOD WHAT IS THAT ONION RINGS ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR EVER-LOVING MIND?”
I believe there was also crying involved.
I am now more than a little retroactively embarrassed for myself that day. The day that I CRIED over the frying of the onion rings, followed by chicken. And jalapeno poppers. And my God, now that I think about it again, the real miracle here is that they aren’t dead by now. Then again, I do have to endure his nightly warblings of his giant weird bass clarinet and their hilarious habit of smoking weed when they think no one’s paying attention. Three nights this week, I’ve come in from walking the dog to a nice whiff of hash den. Perhaps they were high when I lost my shit and consider it a hallucination. There is always that.
The only truly strong aversions that still remain are basil and cilantro. Seriously, folks, basil is the most disgusting thing I’ve ever smelled or tasted, ever. How you people manage to suck down plates of caprese salad is beyond me. Personally, I’d be more open to a plate of three-day-old durian on the subway.
In other news, our house still hasn’t been rented, and I’m expanding my outlets tomorrow. I refused to call one woman back after she yammered on to me about how she wanted to have her handyman husband remove the lighting in our bathroom and put in — get your Googling fingers ready — rope lighting, in exchange for lower rent. Those of you who know what rope lighting is are already throwing up, and for those of you who don’t, perhaps you’d like to prepare for the Google Image onslaught with a nice Scotch, or perhaps a barf bucket. Because really, the only place I’ve ever personally seen rope lighting employed is the inside of a tricked-out limousine circa 1987 with El DeBarge blaring in the background.
And finally, in news of personal failures, today I actually engaged in combative discussion with someone I went to high school with on the topic of politics (SOMEONE I DID NOT EVEN LIKE) — more specifically, poverty. Yes, for those of you who were here uh, YESTERDAY, you may remember that I did not go to the most … progressive of high schools, and that, in fact, I engaged with an idiot. Did that stop me? OF COURSE NOT. I plugged along like the utter fool that I am, as I listened to her insist that most poor people are merely lazy and if they just buck up and WANT to do better, they can! Even if they were born into generations of rural, poverty-stricken families! Completely ignoring the issues of racial bias! Those lazy, poverty-stricken fools! Give them a pep talk! Have them watch The Pursuit of Happyness! THEY WILL BE RICH IN NO TIME. IT IS SO NOT THAT HARD. Dude, they can totally live out of their car, what’s the big deal?
I’m thinking that perhaps she should sign on as a motivational speaker at local homeless shelters for the holidays. She could totally change the world.
God, I am so, so stupid. And apparently I CANNOT LET THINGS GO, FOR I AM STILL ALL HET UP ABOUT IT.
And with that, I’ll leave you wondering if I do or do not own any El DeBarge albums that may or may not include collaborations with Tone Loc. (Awww, who’s singing “Funky Cold Medina”?)
Happy Thursday!
*El DeBarge, you! She smiled in her special way! Who IS Johnny, anyway? WE NEVER KNOW.
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
33 Comments Add your own
1. Kristin | October 29th, 2008 at 6:20 pm
I did indeed google rope lighting and let me tell you, it’s everything I hoped it would be. Maybe she wanted to display the OBAMA’08 lighting that’s currently available at Amazon?
El DeBarge, baby! I have a memory of walking around in Tijuana, Mexico when I was in eight grade, with my aunt and uncle, singing that song. I was a special child.
2. Sadie | October 29th, 2008 at 6:34 pm
hee, what’s great is that when I read the title of the post, and then your bit about the snow and the coat and Vermont – I thought of The Shining and Jack Nicholson’s character. Weird, and yet it works. Well, it would work better if you were truly snowed in, and resided in a creepy huge country resort, and also losing your damn mind.
But yeah, the people who insist you don’t need a maternity coat are emphatically not people who were quite pregnant from October to March. in Vermont.
Also, I don’t think you should be embarrassed about the frying flip-out – it was totally understandable at the time, and I don’t think your neighbors could possibly have understood the direness of it all if you weren’t desperately crying. In fact, I have never been pregnant and I think I’d also have a crying flipout if I had to smell my neighbors’ atrocious fried diets with such regularity.
3. TwoBusy | October 29th, 2008 at 6:39 pm
I feel compelled to share that I spent two of my first hours as a newly-unemployed person watching “The Last Dragon” — which memorably features DeBarge, a young and horrifyingly-attired William H. Macy, and… um… Vanity.
(hiding face in shame)
4. H | October 29th, 2008 at 7:16 pm
We always end up with this weird timeframe in which it isn’t Halloween yet but it is too wintery and/or cold to be autumn. Some people hang their Christmas lights before Halloween because it can get too damn cold. Or, it could be summer again. It snowed on Sunday and it’ll be almost 70 tomorrow so we are juggling the winter/summer wardrobes. I was not very pregnant in the winter as my kids were born in July and August but I would totally have purchased a winter coat.
Rope lighting in the bathroom? Don’t they need to SEE anything in there?
5. Amanda | October 29th, 2008 at 7:26 pm
Did I ever tell you about the time I was pregnant and the baby (Genoa) kicked me so hard that I thought I’d rolled over onto the dog and was KICKING FOR HIS LIFE?! Pregnancy, man. GOOD TIMES.
I had a maternity coat and I lived in CALIFORNIA. It was adorable, too. Liz Lange, light teal, cute buttons, $40. I shoulda kept it and pretended it was just a nice big swing coat! Even a single season coat is worth the investment.
6. She Likes Purple | October 29th, 2008 at 7:33 pm
One group of people who may be able to avoid purchasing maternity outerwear: KNOCKED-UP PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN TEXAS WHERE THE HIGH IS 80 NEXT WEEK.
(I’m actually very worked up and angry about this. I’m ready to be cold. I want to buy a winter coat. But I also want a cold front that actually brings with it a LITTLE COLD.)
7. slynnro | October 29th, 2008 at 8:00 pm
But what? Rope lighting wear? DO NOT UNDERSTAND.
8. Jamie | October 29th, 2008 at 8:37 pm
Our poor El De Barge was recently sentenced to two years jail time – click here for a serious flashback.
9. Jamie | October 29th, 2008 at 8:38 pm
Link refers to the video and the news, not the song – which obviously you’ve already thought about. Duh. I need to go to sleep.
But I do love the Short Circuit actor cameos in the video. Classic.
10. vague | October 29th, 2008 at 8:52 pm
Oh, I feel for you on the facebook confrontations. I have been trying to be stoic and avoid that stuff (since so many of my facebook friends seem to be high school people who were not ever my real-life friends back then, and why we are now facebook “friends” is another mystery for another time), but it has been hard. I keep telling myself “Ignore, ignore, no really IGNORE.” The hardest one was when I saw that my brother “became a supporter of John McCain,” which I had not heard from him personally. The family phone call was just, oh, ugh.
On another note, I am so ridiculously jealous of your snow. I let out a cheer heard for 100 miles when we finally went below 80 a couple of weeks ago. These days we are into the 60s, and I had a student today wearing a toboggan hat and gloves (MOTHEREFFING GLOVES) in the classroom. Where I live, these are emergency temperatures. There was a cold weather warning on the news yesterday for temps in the 60s. Me, I just want to wear my sweaters and boots, please.
11. Nora Bee | October 29th, 2008 at 8:54 pm
I think you onto something with the motivational homeless shelter bootstrap talks. Because, duh? Someone should TELL those people that they can have their piece of the pie, dude! Racism? Sexism? Illness? Just obstacles that will make your wealth sweeter when you are rolling around in a bed full of gold coins.
12. Trina | October 29th, 2008 at 11:30 pm
Clearly you are supposed to roll yourself in a horse blanket and shuffle yourself off into a pre-warmed vehicle! Coat shmoat!
I am (in slower lower DE) just south of the recent snow, and very jealous. My pals in PA got some and have been lording ot over me. So not cool.
I know people (sadly, some of which I am related to) like the person you engaged with. There is little to no chance of altering their stance, unfortunately. It’s easy to tell *other* people to locate and implement their bootstraps, when one has not had to do so. I’m amazed at the lack of empathy and understanding. I would be het up too!
13. Kelley | October 30th, 2008 at 3:45 am
A pregnancy coat? Wow. I didn’t even know that they sold them. Can’t you go for one of those uber cute swing coats? Or are they so last winter over there?
I never know. We live in the dark ages here in Oz.
14. Jen | October 30th, 2008 at 4:42 am
I live in the Northeast too, and I have all intentions of buying a maternity winter coat. I can’t leave my jackets hanging open all winter long and have frozen belly. In fact, I have the opposite situation as you – I’ve got my mother asking me whether I’ve gotten one yet EVERY time I see her!
15. jonniker | October 30th, 2008 at 5:29 am
Kelley: It’s freezing here. Or, I should say, it GETS freezing here, like arctic-type cold, and I have to walk the dog. I imagine a swing coat would need to be pretty big to accommodate my belly, but would probably be gaping everywhere else.
To those jealous of our snow, really? I was jealous of snow in Florida, too, but I was NEVER jealous of snow in OCTOBER. It’s going to be a long-ass winter, given how early it’s started here. Man.
16. Kristen | October 30th, 2008 at 5:45 am
I actually have a maternity coat (dressy, grey, from Gap) that I was going to sell on Ebay. I know this sounds totally sketchy, but if you want to buy it, email me (I’ll send you a picture). I think it’s a large and is nice and toasty warm.
17. ali | October 30th, 2008 at 6:22 am
i will officially be singing funky cold medina ALL DAY.
18. Anyabeth | October 30th, 2008 at 6:33 am
I personally think that the fact that you didn’t cut anyone for the marijuana smell is a testament to your non-craziness. Because while I was pregnant that smell made me homicidal. Add a fry daddy to that and you are just asking for it. No jury of your peers (pregnant ladies muching on Tums with heating pads on their backs) would convict.
I think the whole maternity coat thing is from the same school that says to just wear your husband’s shirts. It discounts that you might want to be comfortable and reasonably attractive during this time. I am in super mild Seattle and at the end (January) the tip of my belly would be frozen solid coming into the office.
I forget when you are due, but it might be nice for immediately after. So that you aren’t trying to cram yourself into a tiny coat. Or you could wear it over the baby in a sling/carrier.
19. Swistle | October 30th, 2008 at 6:41 am
Well, I KNOW, and what is the POINT of the song? Is it that she DOES or DOES NOT in fact know Johnny?
What I did about a maternity coat was I bought an XL men’s coat at Target and wore that. I didn’t spend much time outside, or I might have minded the way I looked (it was a crayon yellow coat, and it fit in the tum but was much too large in the shoulders). It zipped and it was cozy, though, and it was 75% off when I bought it (imagine that! for a bright yellow coat!).
20. NGS | October 30th, 2008 at 7:39 am
My friend was pregnant until late January in Minnesota and didn’t buy a maternity coat. She used her husband’s coat instead and he was cold a lot. It made me laugh EVERY time they came over and he’d be shivering and the coat still wouldn’t zip up over her belly.
21. Ang | October 30th, 2008 at 7:44 am
I’ve gotta tell you – I did skip the maternity coat all together – my daughter was born in March of 2003 – and I’m near Chicago – so while not usually as chilly as Vermont, it is at times pretty darn cold. Of course I was just HOT HOT HOT (temperature, not looking) the whole time. I did have a maternity sweater jacket – and that was somehow warm enough. Now the minute it’s below 65, I’m freezing – being pregnant somehow permanently threw my internal thermostat out of wack.
22. Kristabella | October 30th, 2008 at 8:31 am
I have a similar kind of discussion with an old co-worker who keeps telling me that if Obama ia elected, he will be handing out money, hand over fist, to all the poor and homeless people in the world without making them work for it!
I’ve stopped trying to correct him. Because clearly he doesn’t know HOW TO LISTEN TO FACTS.
I would like fried chicken now.
23. Megan | October 30th, 2008 at 8:33 am
You suck, b/c I’m totally going home to download Who’s Johnny tonight.
I have been in my mat coat for a few weeks now…30s is COLD at 6am! Tis this: http://tinyurl.com/5uhvhp. And I actually get compliments on it, from people who don’t realize it’s maternity.
I don’t get the snow jealousy either…but I think growing up in a place where winter is 6 months long, I’ll never understand. It’s like me and the beach.
PLEASE let them put in rope lighting. Maybe they could do it in the kind that fades into different colors? I’d so move in.
24. -R- | October 30th, 2008 at 10:44 am
Since I am due in 5 days (aaa!) I have not bought a maternity coat. I can’t button up my current coat though. Luckily, after our one day of snow, the temp has been in the 50s.
I almost wrote a whole post last night about how I don’t understand why some people think poor people are just lazy, but I decided not to write while having a crazy mood swing of anger. I am glad I am not alone in my feelings though.
25. Lawyerish | October 30th, 2008 at 10:57 am
Who’s Johnny? She said, and smiled in her special way. Johnny! She said. You know I love you.
I’m going to wake up in the middle of the night with that song in my head, I JUST KNOW IT.
26. Danielle-lee | October 30th, 2008 at 12:40 pm
Rope lighting? REALLY? ick. Do not call that loon back.
I have had the same f-ing conversation about poverty with my husband, my father in law, my mother in law, and countless others. I am SO.DAMN.SICK.AND.TIRED. of having the conversation. Yeah, sure. they all WANT to be homeless. They all CHOOSE to live out of their cars, or under overpasses. They all WANT to live in neighborhoods where they fear for their children’s lives. Please, please, don’t get me started. I get so very angry about it. You are not alone. And what is worse? When you educate them, give them the actual statistics, minus the f-ing media spin, these mindless f*cks STILL think the poor are poor b/c they ARE LAZY. Arggggg.
27. Beth Fish | October 30th, 2008 at 5:56 pm
Oh honey, just wait until that child is kicking you in the ribs while head-butting your cervix.
28. Angella | October 30th, 2008 at 6:40 pm
I am going to be singing that for the rest of the night.
“Who’s Johnny?” she said and smiled in her special way…”
29. Hollylynne | October 30th, 2008 at 9:33 pm
They might have hallucinated you!!! LOVE!!!
30. Trina | October 30th, 2008 at 9:45 pm
J – the snow envy is the result of having a *very* mild winter last year. It was nice because the bulbs I was too lazy to take up survived the cold months, but I’m seriously jonesing for a REAL snow here. I’d rather wait a bit, but I’m worried global warming will rob me again :~P
31. Penny | October 31st, 2008 at 8:28 am
I have a maternity coat, but I don’t like it – it’s too thin, and the arms are skinny. Honestly I found my husband’s coats worked a lot better. If you can’t find a suitable maternity coat, try the Men’s XXL dept.
32. Mauigirl52 | October 31st, 2008 at 5:44 pm
If it makes you feel any better, western New Jersey got something like 6 inches of snow the other day (not where I live, thank God but a friend from work does live there) – and the snow made the trees so heavy (since they hadn’t lost their leaves yet) that they fell like matchsticks all over the electrical wires and some people have been without power for 72+ hours. It’s weird weather, isn’t it???
33. vermont credit repair&hellip | December 17th, 2009 at 9:58 pm
vermont credit repair…
I will be coming back tomorrow!…
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