It’s Beginning to Get to Me
November 10th, 2008
I am very rarely struck by bald envy of another living person, but I am flat-out jealous of Michelle Obama. There, I said it. I know I’m sounding very 1960s Jackie O-type worship, but I’m sorry, she’s just. so. CUTE. Envy! Total envy! And a hot husband, to boot. Perhaps I could doll myself up like Marilyn Monroe and serenade him on his birthday in an effort to bring the parallel full circle. Or perhaps not … I may not be cute, but I have a great husband, albeit not quite the president of the United States, but he IS a technology geek. So, uh, take that, Michelle?
Sigh.
This weekend, the reign of Twin Peaks finally ended with the viewing of Fire Walk With Me, which gave us both nightmares for our remaining days, most of which involved me as Laura Palmer, which … oh God, gross. Also, let me say that I understand why it was booed by audiences worldwide, for it did neither jack, nor shit, to clarify much of season two. Not that I paid that much attention, mind you, but after having my mind bent over a chair and rammed up the bum with a broomstick, I feel like I was owed at least a LITTLE BIT OF AN EXPLANATION, DAVID LYNCH. (HA! Like David Lynch offers explanations for ANYTHING.)
Anyway! I would have written last night, but I ended up on the phone with my friend Maria for THREE HOURS, harkening back to the days of young Jonna as a 13-year-old, yammering on the phone until her ear became sweaty and painful upon all bending attempts. And, because we only talk every few months, I ENJOYED IT. This is an incredible feat, as I hate the phone, and I’m quite certain the last time I was on it for that long, it involved an M&A-related conference call, and I spent the majority of that time considering what pointy objects I could ram between my eyeballs.
We have a least out to a prospective tenant, so I’m pretty much a ball of anxiety and haven’t been sleeping until they sign the damn thing (OH MY GOD WHY HAVEN’T YOU SIGNED IT YET, PEOPLE). I know that sounds ridiculous, but between moving and living out of boxes, finding a tenant from afar and a variety of unsavory things, I’m dangling at the end of a very frayed rope. I just want it all to be OVER so that we may get on with our busy lives and maybe take five seconds to relax one last time before managing a series of round-the-clock feedings. And I won’t even talk about the fact that our current tenant is flaking out on rent for her last month, which makes me feel like taking a pointy object and ramming it between HER eyeballs. Or perhaps directly in one, especially since if she leaves and the tenants don’t sign, we’re pretty much fucked on having the place shown to prospects. You know, assuming she bothers to leave the keys.
Oh my God, someone give me a Valium. Oh, right. GREAT. Um, a paper bag? A paper bag would be good.
I’m sure you’re just as anxious as I am to finish this, so that you can, for the love of all that is holy, STOP HEARING ABOUT IT.
And finally, a brief vent about the state of the … momosphere. Oh my God, MOMOSPHERE. As I Tweeted (shut up) earlier today, when I first heard the word — and the site — momversation, I nearly rolled my eyes into the back of my skull, because, SERIOUSLY: momversation. Must we momicize everything? Can’t we just have a flipping CONVERSATION, or do moms not do that? A mom who is a business owner is a mompreneur. There are mommy blogs. There is a MOMOSPHERE, for crying out loud, and I’ve seen people use the word in an unironic fashion. These people may or may not be still alive, because I may or may not have hunted them down and killed them.
(For the record, I first saw the word mentioned at a time when someone said that the momosphere should be sensitive to the delicate little feelings of those who weren’t invited to … some corporate momjunket or something? I don’t know. But I knew then and there that the momosphere sounded like a place that I was a little afraid of.)
One of the reasons I waited so long to have kids (aside from uh, God’s delays) is that I was so terrified of giving up my identity as a person. Ironically, one of the things I’ve seen cited as a reason for mommy blogs’ success is that they give women the outlet to be something other than a mom! They can be a PERSON, too!
Except, apparently, they can’t. Those who are childfree have mentioned the exclusion they feel from this … I don’t know, CLUB, or whatever, and it’s not like I’m so far removed from that, what with my five whole months of gestating a squash-sized fetus and all. I never really felt it that much myself, but then again, most of the moms (and dads!) I read are really inclusive, well-balanced people.
What I think is the greater transgression is that those labels have the opposite effect — I see them as quite diminishing, in fact — and it’s going largely unnoticed, for the labels keep. cropping. up. I find the need to take “mom” on to everything parents do to be a little ABSURD, because God, are these things not considered/done by men, too? Or even childfree people? I mean, do you not worry about making friends? Or having a family with different political viewpoints? Or is this something ONLY MOMS can have a valuable perspective on?
I don’t know why I find this so much more bothersome than, say, women’s magazines and whatnot, and I think that sites like Work It, Mom! and Alphamom have done a great job of targeting moms (and regular folk) without being diminishing. But there’s something particularly grating about the need to cutsify everything mom-related that’s making me want to hurt someone, and the word momversation really set me off — the title, not so much with the concept, although the momjury (or should I say gestojury?) is still out.
For the record, I have no intention or desire to self-identify as a mommyblogger, today or ever — not that I have an issue with those who DO, it just seems so limiting for me personally — and if I ever have a momversation or become a mompreneur, I’m asking here and now for one of you to please shoot me, and do it while inflicting as much pain as possible.
Honest to God. I’m not the first to make this observation and I know I won’t be the last. But seriously. Momosphere. Momversation. As Y said to me earlier today, I AM MOMSTIPATED.
Happy Tuesday!
*Snow Patrol
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
26 Comments Add your own
1. derfina | November 10th, 2008 at 7:35 pm
Yeah, sometimes the momalogues get to me, too. *wink*
2. Susan | November 10th, 2008 at 7:37 pm
My blog is about living in a recording studio, and yet, because my kids live here too, I am considered a mommy blogger. I have asked my kids (3 and 6) to please move out until I shake the label.
3. willikat | November 10th, 2008 at 7:38 pm
I have to say that I love how you write out your anxiety. I wish that i could capture my thoughts that way because my brain runs that way, too, but it never comes out quite like that.
Also, is Obama getting hotter? I think he is. Must be a power thing. And yeah, I tweeted a few days ago that Michelle’s my girl because we share a love of J. Crew.
4. whoorl | November 10th, 2008 at 7:42 pm
I am totally momstipated. Pass the prunes, my dear.
5. NGS | November 10th, 2008 at 7:54 pm
Ha! I have you filed under “moms who write stuff” on my reader, so I guess you are officially part of the momosphere!!
6. Swistle | November 10th, 2008 at 8:11 pm
Woot, dude. Woot. What is with all the MOMMY-SUFFIXING and MOMMY-PREFIXING?
7. Sundry | November 10th, 2008 at 8:34 pm
I am guessing that there are more people who respond to the word “mom/mommy” being used in this manner than otherwise. I’m with you (not even because I think it’s such a stifling label, because if I don’t stifle myself then who cares, right? — but because of the Barf Factor. Chief Mommy Officer? BARF), but there is surely a large demographic who gets warm fuzzies from the identification and feels a sense of community from it. Which these companies hope turns into a sense of brand loyalty for Luvs (MomSpeak) and Target (Momversation), OH YES.
8. jonniker | November 10th, 2008 at 8:36 pm
Oh yes, THE BARF FACTOR. That’s bigger than big for me.
But you’re right, it must work, otherwise why would they do it?
9. page | November 10th, 2008 at 9:09 pm
I wore the same color as Michelle Obama today and I had to convince a frillion people at work that I did NOT DO THIS ON PURPOSE due to my love for the woman and her increasingly hot husband.
MommaObama? Just kidding. It is kind of sick, all the mommifying. Momstipated about did me in. However, as I spent the better part of the wee hours of this am reading about cervical mucous (yes, ew) in reference to conception timing, I guess I’m thinking of momreating or something. In the parlance of our times, that is.
Yeah, that didn’t work. The barf factor is huge, however, and the mommifiers MUST BE STOPPED!
10. Nothing But Bonfires | November 10th, 2008 at 10:25 pm
Hey, I’m going to mom-ify everything now, just for the hell of it I mean, it’s sort of addictive. So when I rent a car? I’m going to ask for a MOMPACT vehicle. When I type an email? I’m going to type it on my MOMPUTER. When I use a particular piece of punctuation, designed to separate two clauses? Well, let’s just say I’m going to be using a MOMMA. I feel sure I shall be talking about the MOMMONWEALTH at some point too.
11. Tara | November 11th, 2008 at 1:42 am
A great little gift for your technology geek husband during this cold Vermont winter… http://www.thinkgeek.com/apparel/hats-ties/73ad/. I saw it on the Amazing Race and bought one for my own geeky husband.
12. MoMMY | November 11th, 2008 at 5:08 am
Yes, see my “name”, it all started way back in 2004 when I was still home with the offspring and it had taken over my life. I’ve wanted to distance myself from it (full name: Mom of Many Male Youngsters) but how? I tried starting over this past year but it never felt like home. So what is one to do? It is quite nauseating. I think it’s easier if you started the whole blogging thing BEFORE procreating. Let that be a lesson to the youngens. I’m still not sure why EVERYTHING has to be mommyfied though.
13. jonniker | November 11th, 2008 at 5:29 am
MoMMY: I don’t mind so much blog names as I do it coming from other sources — like, as Sundry said, Target & Luvs and others. Oh, and endless articles citing the “momosphere” and “mompreneurs.”
oh, and MOMVERSATION. GAH.
14. Emily | November 11th, 2008 at 6:06 am
I TOTALLY AGREE. And whenever anyone asks what I do from home, I tell them I write for a PARENTING website. PARENTING! You know, that thing I do with my husband? I hate it when things like parenting are monopolized by mommy crap.
But I agree with Sundry, because why else would there be those annoying mom message boards all over the creation with all those little countdowns and avatars and cutesy decorative themes?
15. She Likes Purple | November 11th, 2008 at 7:27 am
I felt this a lot at BlogHer, honestly. If you weren’t a mommy blogger, you had to be a twenty-something blogger (or a niche blogger: infertility blogging, political blogging, craft blogging, etc). You couldn’t just BLOG to have an outlet to write about a variety of topics (kids, potentially, being just one such topic). It just felt very limiting.
And just like you, I am not far enough removed from being on the “other side” of things to remember how exclusive it can all feel.
16. Casey | November 11th, 2008 at 10:10 am
Amen
17. Penny | November 11th, 2008 at 10:11 am
Well, you WILL be labeled a mommyblogger eventually just for your reproductive status. I have personally never heard of a momosphere and think, much like “momprenuer” or whatever that is, was made up by some marketing jauggernaut magazine somewhere, and not by actual moms.
18. Leah | November 11th, 2008 at 10:28 am
I once went to hear David Lynch speak, and dude doesn’t have answers for ANYTHING. He just kept talking about “the light” and a bunch of other transcendental hoo-ha.
My favorite part of the barf-inducing momification of everything is that it spurs people like you to react against it. I never seem to be able to put my finger on why the whole thing makes me feel icky, but then you go and write about it in a way that finally makes sense.
19. Nora Bee | November 11th, 2008 at 12:37 pm
Don’t even get me started on the mom culture. It’s insane. But then I just got back from an upmarket mall filled with mommies. If you’d told me I was one of them I would have fainted with horror.
20. JG | November 11th, 2008 at 1:19 pm
Oh, all right, I’ll bite.
I can’t get my head around the bizarre insistence that one may be a mom, but one is still a PERSON. As if these ideas are somehow mutually exclusive. You can be a person who talks about her kids. That doesn’t mean you aren’t a person or even an individual; you are just a person/individual who talks about her kids, sometimes even a lot.
The stubborn and repeated denial of motherhood as part of one’s identity seems strange to me. It’s like they keep saying “I’m a mom, BUT” when I would expect a “I’m a mom, AND.” It’s part of who you are, period, and as a parent you’re just going to say and do certain cliched things; I’ve never read a blog that didn’t include certain common elements after that first baby is born. But who cares? Everyone says and does certain cliched things, including childfree people. It’s not like the rest of us are just so original and individualized.
So yeah. I guess the labels, on one hand, seem completely unnecessary (and cheesy, God) … but so does the sometimes rabid denial that being a parent is a permanent part of your identity that you can’t really remove yourself from. Because, well … I do think it’s a permanent part of your identity that at least most psychologically normal people can’t separate themselves from, at least not for very long. I just don’t get why that’s such a big deal. It’s like this innate fear of being lame and grown-up, like a lot of parents who offer those frequent denials are still the ones trying to walk ten feet behind their own moms at the mall. (Except I guess they’re actually trying to walk ten feet behind THEMSELVES at the mall now. How profound.)
I guess my conclusion is that the labels suck. But the denials can get a little uncomfortable too … some people seem like they’re protesting a little too much. You know, like the childfree person who repeatedly insists, like daily, how they SO DON’T NEED CHILDREN TO BE HAPPY. It can get a little obnoxious on both sides, and really just comes from deep-rooted insecurity.
For the record, as a childfree person, I don’t feel excluded just because a lot of bloggers are moms. I DO feel jealous that a lot of online content producers slave to reach the mom demographic. Momversation is a stupid word, but the giant marketing demographic it represents can have luxurious results at times in terms of perks and product recommendations and all that. No media outlet or online magazine is killing themselves to make childfree sites of the same caliber, so I think some of that “exclusion” childfree people talk about is really just wistful envy on that score.
As eyeroll worthy and false as it is to imply that moms only ever talk about poop or Dora the Explorer or crying it out, I would love going to a site that PROMISED me I would never hear about any of those things, not even occasionally, and that connected me with other people who aren’t parents. Are you listening, giant media moguls?? I’ll be your demographic, and you can label me all you want! The Childfreeks! The Maybe-Babies! Non-Parenting Entities (NoPEs)!
See? Totally jealous. I told you.
21. jonniker | November 11th, 2008 at 4:42 pm
I’m not talking about denying motherhood here, or even rejecting labels out of principle. But MAN, I hate Momversation.
22. Style Bard | November 12th, 2008 at 12:33 pm
I completely agree. I have a soft spot for reading “momblogs” and for a time while researching an article, it was baby blogs in particular. And evvvvery now and then I felt -utterly- excluded from conversation online. It was like, “Oh, but you don’t have kids, right?” “No but–” “AHA.” “But I… also like _______.” Where the blank is anything from like, a movie to spaghetti to breathing oxygen, but since I’m not a mother WHAT AM I DOING THERE. Idk. Moms are women are people. Those labeling super-niches are gonna eventually exclude as much as they include. Like, is it just me, or is the Internet getting… clique-y(er)?
23. Meagan Francis | November 12th, 2008 at 12:55 pm
oh, I am so with you on the cutesy mommy terms attached to everything. Now I’m a mother–and have no problem identifying myself that way because it is a huge part of my reality/life/identity, at least for now. But that doesn’t mean that everything I DO is done through the lens of motherhood or being “a mommy”. I’m not a “momwriter”, I”m a writer and a mother. I’m not a mompreneuer. I’m a self-employed businessperson who works around flying legos and crappy diapers. It’s a hard line to walk because as somebody who writes about motherhood and parenting, of course I use the word “mom” a lot (but not mommy–oh no, not mommy) but I try to only use it when what I’m referring to ACTUALLY HAS TO DO WITH MOTHERHOOD. Yknow?
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25. margie kardash | November 12th, 2008 at 6:43 pm
today, twice on the internet, i heard the word momversation. somewhere else and now here. who the hell? i must say though i much prefer the word complicated for momstipated. careful you don’t fall down a hole too early!! you will fall, just get ready so you don’t fall too far.
26. Kristabella | November 13th, 2008 at 2:23 pm
Oh God, I hear ya sister! I am a 30-something SINGLE woman without kids and I blog. I have no network or anything and it can be so freaking overwhelming (especially at places like BlogHer) when NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOU! For pete’s sake, we’re all bloggers. Why do we have to have these sites catered to just moms?
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