Set Fire To The Third Bar
November 20th, 2008
There wasn’t any sleeping occurring on my part last night, thanks to the snores and screeches of my fellow bedroom mates — one human, one not. I stewed for hours, unable to do anything but lie there watching Tivo’d episodes of Top Chef (Seriously, Ariane? SERIOUSLY?) and Dirty Sexy Money, which has officially jumped the shark. But oh! THAT IS NOT ALL. There was 27 Dresses! Again! Still bad! Followed by the original Cathouse documentary that spurred the series, which I’ve talked about before, but oh my God. Love.
It goes without saying that the last time I glanced at the clock, it was 3 a.m. and yet? WIDE AWAKE.
Like most HBO sex-related series, Cathouse is anything but sexy. The “working girls,” as they like to be called, are a bit past their prime in most cases, and favor cliche accessories like clear plastic platform shoes and the most unsexy cheap lingerie you can imagine. I genuinely worry about these women smoking in such flammable garments, which they do often. Seriously. One false move, and they’ll ignite like a pile of briquettes.
Incidentally, I’d forgotten that the original documentary features a negotiation between a customer, a prostitute and THE CUSTOMER’S MOTHER. HIS MOTHER. HIS MOTHER BOUGHT HIM THE PROSTITUTE. And there the girl was, all rubbing up on the dude without any underwear on WHILE HIS MOTHER WATCHED. (He was, mercifully, clothed.) And then later? When the deed was done? HE DESCRIBED WHAT THEY DID FOR THE CAMERAS IN FRONT OF HIS MOTHER. USING WORDS SUCH AS THE ONCE-GENTLE EUPHEMISM FOR CAT. AND A SYNONYM FOR “SNACKING” ON SAID EUPHEMISM.
IN FRONT OF HIS MOTHER. WHO LAUGHED.
I have a pretty high threshold for being disturbed, but man, that was probably responsible for keeping me up for a few extra hours. Even more so than Dennis Hof.
Hey, speaking of flammable garments, as I’ve gathered wee items for my girl, I can’t help but notice that they all meet some sort of flame-retardant guidelines for infant wear, and further, I cannot express how much this disturbs me. There’s something slightly irrational at work here, but imagining flames – FLAMES! — in close enough proximity that my daughter will need a FLAME-RETARDANT SLEEPER is enough to send me into apoplectic fits. It’s horrible. I can’t even look at the labels on her clothes anymore, as it leads me to imagine crazed people resembling Malcom MacDowell in A Clockwork Orange brandishing cigarette lighters as they hover wildly over my daughter’s crib. You know, if she had one yet or anything. (She has a swing and a bassinet. Oh, and three sleepers. STILL.)
By the way, I made some serious progress on the giant mess of tasks I’d outlined the other day and surprise! I feel a lot less anxious. I can’t wait to see what my doctor says when I see her again and she smacks me down for not going to hypnotherapy and I explain that no, um, I was stressed for real reasons, lady. REASONS I MOSTLY WORKED THROUGH. By the way, it goes without saying that I am fully expecting this woman — the ONLY woman in the practice I don’t like, much less totally adore as I do the others — to be the one on call for the birth of my daughter. I don’t want her to see my lady bits or greet my baby before I do. I should also add that she was wearing a supersparkly see-through gold sweater, and for some reason, this explains a lot, especially here in Vermont, where I was pretty sure such clothes were illegal. Or should be, at least.
And finally, I’ve been meaning to ask you: Am I the only person who gets upset at phone calls at home before 9 a.m.? Whenever I mention this to people, they’re usually horrified, as though I am still ASLEEP at 9 a.m. when really, my God, I should be AWAKE (the perils of working from home — everyone thinks you sleep ’til noon). But that’s not it! Of course I’m awake, and usually have been for several hours. It’s just that, work from home or not, mornings are CHAOTIC, especially if you have to leave the house for a job, and for some reason the pre-9 a.m. call is so INTRUSIVE on the morning, which should be spent getting ready for work, commuting or otherwise preparing for the day. Plus, like calls after 9:30 p.m., it seems to screech “EMERGENCY!”
After 9 a.m., fine. Before 9:30 p.m.? Also fine. But outside of those hours, and you’re asking me to PANIC.
Hi! I’m EIGHTY.
Hey, happy Friday/weekend! Woo!
*Snow Patrol and Martha Wainwright. I was listening to it earlier, and Adam started pantomiming cutting his own wrists, announcing that it was the most depressing thing he’d ever heard oh my God, make it stop.
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
33 Comments Add your own
1. Swistle | November 20th, 2008 at 6:20 pm
I freak about the phone when it rings early/late, too, and for the same reasons.
2. Christine | November 20th, 2008 at 6:21 pm
Ah, the phone calls before 9 am KILL ME dead. And this has become a once monthly conversation with my father once I see that he has again called at 7:45 in the morning…
*Ring Ring*, check phone, is my dad
Me: “So who is dead or in the hospital? Because otherwise I know you didn’t just call me before the hour of 8 in the morning.”
Dad: “God damnit! (exasperated) This is the only time you pick up.”
Me: “I’ll be sure to be better about that, however the next time you call before the hour of 8AM someone had better be dead or dying.”
3. Christine | November 20th, 2008 at 6:22 pm
Seriously all the damned time, why?
4. Lori | November 20th, 2008 at 6:51 pm
And the early caller always asks “did I wake you?” If you were so concerned about waking me, why didn’t you call an hour later???
5. ZestyJenny | November 20th, 2008 at 6:51 pm
Dude. Too bad for the time difference or maybe we could talk in the wee hours. I sleep for shit these days, too.
I fall asleep fine, but I wake up 2-3 hours later to pee, then lie awake for an hour or two, fall asleep, wake up to pee again, then lie awake again for another couple of hours…
6. Angella | November 20th, 2008 at 7:14 pm
Yes! To the phone times.
If it rings outside the 9-9 time I start freaking. WHO DIED???
Am old.
7. Kristi | November 20th, 2008 at 7:36 pm
Cathouse is so disturbing on so many levels, the least of which is the poor fashion choices. Thank God for TIVO.
8. NGS | November 20th, 2008 at 7:38 pm
My mother has never gotten me a prostitute. I feel so…abnormal.
My phone hours are a little looser – no calls before 8 in the morning and no calls after 10:30. But I do not call anyone else outside of 10-10.
But can someone tell the city of Minneapolis that jackhammering before 8 am should be illegal? Jolting awake on a Saturday morning at 7:15 to the dulcet tones of metal on concrete is not an enjoyable way to start the weekend!!
9. hollylynne | November 20th, 2008 at 7:44 pm
oh, i was totally watching Cathouse last night too and was equally disturbed by the mother thing. GAH! But more importantly, about that sparkly see through gold sweater: YOU ARE SO RIGHT about it being totally unacceptable and especially revealing. I wouldn’t want anyone who could dress like that with a straight face touching my (as yet non-existent) baby either.
10. Nothing But Bonfires | November 20th, 2008 at 8:08 pm
I have ALWAYS adhered to the rule that you do not call anyone — and no-one calls you — before 9am or after 9pm. JUST NOT DONE. It’s just rude! You don’t do it! I mean, I’m not talking about calling your mum or whatever, but other sorts of phone calls? NEVER. Unless it’s an emergency, you just wait. Totally with you on that one. And I’ve totally been surprised by people not sticking to it — like the wedding co-ordinator of the church we’re looking at for our wedding! She called me at 9:30pm last night — just returning my call from 5pm — and I thought that was weird. Especially since she never said anything like “I’m sorry if it’s a little late…” At least DO THAT.
11. Anyabeth | November 20th, 2008 at 9:30 pm
I’m worse than you. I don’t want anyone calling after 8pm. Actually anytime after the baby goes to bed is hairy for me. So I usually have the Do Not Disturb button hit on my phone a lot.
12. kirida | November 21st, 2008 at 5:10 am
I always wake up early, but I still hate receiving calls before 9 am. It’s just inconsiderate. Especially if it’s from one of my in-laws who has a fake question just so she can start talking all about herself and her wacky dreams to help people in Kenya, or Maui or whatever place National Geographic’s website is featuring.
13. A. | November 21st, 2008 at 5:39 am
It may not be the happiest of songs, but I enjoy it. I’ve been to a Snow Patrol concert (very good) and Gary Lightbody asked for a female from the audience to come up and duet with him on Set Fire to the Third Bar. Stupid girl just wanted to be on stage and didn’t know the words. He stopped the song, cussed her out and sent her back to her seat. Hilarious. And the accent? Yum.
14. TwoBusy | November 21st, 2008 at 5:46 am
Post-kid, that 9:30pm deadline is going to shift to “any hour my daughter might conceivably be asleep, and if the phone rings and wakes her up I promise – by all that is holy – I will have my vengeance. In this life, or the next.”
15. Amanda | November 21st, 2008 at 6:31 am
The flammable thing always freaked me out too. I think they started doing that because polyester + cigarettes = spontaneous infant combustion. I never LIKED those sleepers, though, because they’re generally about as soft a paper grocery bag. I don’t smoke and would probably ice pick the eyes out of anyone who ever TRIED to smoke near my kids, so I just buy cotton. Or, you know, just let them sleep in their clothes.
My operating hours are 9AM – 9PM. The only thing worse than getting a phone call after hours is getting a text! Well-meaning friends sometimes forget that a text is NOT an e-mail and is JUST as loud a phone call and if you have an iPhone, it’s loud enough to jolt you out of bed for a couple hours.
16. She Likes Purple | November 21st, 2008 at 6:41 am
I think it’s totally inappropriate to call that early and that’s because, if given the choice, I’d totally still be asleep.
17. Shelly | November 21st, 2008 at 6:50 am
Not alone – I just about cussed out my father-in-law because
he called at 7:45am to tell my husband that he was going to get oil changed in his car and would be back home later. Everyone else in my family was still asleep and he woke up the 2 year old. DAMMIT!
18. bessie.viola | November 21st, 2008 at 7:35 am
SO, I had a midwife I dreaded too. I HATED HER with a fiery passion. She made me crazy, she blew things out of proportion… you get the drift. HATE. There was a warm, fuzzy, my-very-favorite that I LOVED, MUST HAVE.
Guess who was on call for my birth?
Yup. DH and I wanted to melt into the floor when she walked in. But she? WAS AMAZING. I LOVED HER. She was absolutely perfect. I sent her a thank you card and pictures and cookies after the fact, and frequently want to stop into the office just to say “Hi, I love you, thank you for taking care of me, my vagina, and the baby.”
One I originally loved? Didn’t even recognize my husband in the cafeteria after I had the baby.
Not sure if this says something about me or them… but hopefully your situation works out similarly should you be greeted on The Day with the One Who You Do Not Want.
19. Kris T | November 21st, 2008 at 7:56 am
We are extremely early risers in this house (5:30 am) and all our family lives either in Boston or the U.K. and we are in Las Vegas so any calls after 7 am are cool…but anything after 8.p.m.??? I automatically assume death or disaster. So much so that if it ever does ring after 8 pm I answer the phone “Hey, What’s Wrong?”
20. ali | November 21st, 2008 at 8:38 am
this is why i don’t use my phone. if i text or email…it doesn’t matter what time of day i do it…you will read it when you are damn good and ready!
i hate the phone!
21. Kate @ Life As I Life It | November 21st, 2008 at 8:45 am
Wow, I so totally thought I was the only one who assumed an early/late phone call meant doom and/or disaster! I’m so relieved! Whew.
My hubby usually calls me about 8:30am or so, but anyone else (unless I recognize the #) gets the answering machine. Like some Cancer Society that’s called two mornings in a row now at about 8:30am. NOT GONNA TALK TO YOU.
22. Beth | November 21st, 2008 at 1:25 pm
I knit an unreasonable amount of baby sweaters, and it’s always scary to see on the forums how many people are worried about the yarn others are using because of the potential for it to burst into flames.
I always feel bad for the knitters who haven’t considered it and then their garments go to waste.
23. Mauigirl52 | November 21st, 2008 at 1:58 pm
Absolutely. Before 9 a.m. is scary. After 9:30 p.m. not so much as my mom and I are both nightowls and often call each other at 11 or 11:30 p.m. But anything after that would be scary. After 9:30 but before 11:30 I just figure it’s my mother.
As for flame-retardant baby clothes…at least you don’t have to worry about her igniting while having a cigarette in her crib.
24. slynnro | November 21st, 2008 at 4:19 pm
Incidentally, I wrote about a mom who porn swaps with her child today on my blog.
25. Tara | November 21st, 2008 at 5:40 pm
Totally in agreement about the time limits for phone calls. I’m a 9 to 9 girl. I wake up about 4:30 every morning, but no one should call my house before 9. Seriously. It reminds me of the episode of “Curb Your Enthusiasm” about the cutoff time. Julia Louis-Dreyfus was great in that one.
26. Kristin | November 21st, 2008 at 6:52 pm
I have never minded early calls. Before 7 am might be weird, but if I’m up it doesn’t really bother me. But after about 8:30 is way too late. Not that I’m in bed at that time. We are totally party animals over here.
This whole discussion makes me feel even worse about the times I have forgotten just how early it is in Hawaii or Alaska, and I call our customers at some gawdawful hour. Note to self: check world clock prior to morning work calls.
Next up on your list of times not to call during: naps. It doesn’t matter that the people outside don’t know you have a baby sleeping in the house. Why do they have to talk so loud? THE BABY IS SLEEPING. CAN YOU KEEP IT DOWN ALREADY.
The thing I have never liked about flame-retardant sleepware (besides the horrifying thought that there’s a reason it exists) is that some of it is very tight. I’ve actually torn cuffs on the seams so they aren’t so danged tight.
27. gwyneth | November 23rd, 2008 at 6:09 am
when i was mostly in love with someone far, far away, i loved that song and how it sang about my pain.
and then he dumped me, and i haven’t listened to it since.
but it’s not depressing if you’re long-distance.
28. underwear items | Digg.co&hellip | November 29th, 2008 at 5:14 am
[...] Set Fire To The Third Bar … MOTHER. HIS MOTHER BOUGHT HIM THE PROSTITUTE. And there the girl was, all rubbing up on the dude without any underwear on WHILE HIS MOTHER WATCHED. (He was, mercifully, clothed.) And then later? When the deed was done? HE DESCRIBED WHAT THEY DID FOR THE CAMERAS IN FRONT OF HIS MOTHER. USING WORDS … [...]
29. Danielle-lee | December 1st, 2008 at 11:32 am
I LOVE THAT DAMN SNOW PATROL SONG!!! Yes, it is a bit, how do you say….DEPRESSING, but the melody? Gahhhhhh.
30. Marmite Breath | December 1st, 2008 at 8:50 pm
He called someone up to sing it with him? SWOONY!
I would have gone up there and sang the hell out of it. What a fantastic song it is!
31. Eric&hellip | December 31st, 2008 at 10:14 am
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platform wedding shoes…
The TrackBack specification was created by Six Apart, who first implemented it in their Movable Type blogging software in August…
33. vermont credit repair&hellip | December 6th, 2009 at 9:07 pm
vermont credit repair…
So many different ideas listed here – amazing…..
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