Cold Water
December 1st, 2008
Despite repeated warnings, I remain in utter shock at how horrible Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull was. Um, OH MY GOD. HORROR OF HORRORS. When the film finally wrapped in the most absurd way imaginable, both Adam and stared at the screen a little dumbfounded, because seriously, that shit was … well, it was beyond the point of ridiculousness and involved some of the worst acting I’ve ever seen, not to mention … ALIENS. MY GOD THERE WERE ALIENS, ARE YOU SERIOUS? And I must know: Has Shia LaBeouf gotten any work since? Did anyone believe him? Anyone? ANYONE?
It was … it was worse than watching Adrien Grenier play Vincent Chase pretending to be an actor, particularly in Smokejumpers. It was soul-suckingly bad, not unlike this last season of Entourage.
Hey, how was your Thanksgiving? Because ours was THE AWESOME. It’s going to take somewhere in the range of an entire army to convince me to ever leave the house on Thanksgiving ever again, because there is nothing better than cooking, eating and laying about like gluttonous little piglets without ever (and I mean ever) getting out of your pajamas. Also, if you were ever considering whether to put cream cheese AND butter AND half and half in your mashed potatoes, a la Pioneer Woman, let me state the obvious and tell you that it is THE BEST IDEA EVER and that you must, you absolutely must do this. Now. Now is good.
Pregnancy has taken a bit of a turn for the worse, as it seems in the last week or so that I have realized that I will not be Perpetually Pregnant, but will, in fact, give birth to an actual person after this and it’s turned up the anxiety to 11, because there is SO MUCH TO DO AND THAT’S LIKE, TOMORROW. However, instead of being anxious about actual baby-related stuff, I’m channeling it into the most useless panics ever, including whether our new tenants will get us sued because their dog bites someone. Never mind that the dog is elderly, can barely make it up the stairs, much less attack, and has large swaths of skin literally falling off of her from old age. No, these facts aside, I am sure she will suddenly morph into ATTACK DOG AND EAT ALL THE CHILDREN IN THE WHOLE STATE OF FLORIDA AND WE WILL DIEEEEE. See also: irrational panic about toxic mold, carbon monoxide and whether pigs have wings.
Things I was not particularly afraid of include shower tiles popping off of the master shower, which will likely result in uh, thousands of dollars in repairs (retiling! shower pan replacement!) and a new shower for brand! new! tenants! Hello, please move into our house! OH WAIT. Thanks for the heads up about the shower tiles! NOW LET US RIP APART YOUR SHOWER BEFORE YOUR CEILING CAVES IN.
Let us all thank God that there is another shower for them to use. And someone, if you would, please hand me a cocktail or perhaps some heroin. OH WAIT.
Oh life. Such a heartless purveyor of cruel, cruel jokes.
By the way, and I feel that I might have mentioned this before, but I’m not drinking any alcohol this pregnancy, not because I’m particularly uptight about those things — though I completely understand why some people are — but because the smell of any and all alcohol induces vomiting. I tried to throw some vodka into a sauce a few weeks ago and … well, it did not go well at all, and reminded me that being pregnant is nothing if not the feeling of being constantly hungover after a hardcore tequila bender.
Speaking of pregnant, I had my boob looked at again today — I have a cysty thing that’s really no big deal, but I have to have it looked at every six months — and when the medical assistant and doctor asked if there were any changes to my breasts since I’d last been there, I could only say, um, everything? Have you SEEN them? WHAT ARE THESE THINGS? WHAT ARE THEY? WHY DO THEY HAVE STRETCH MARKS ON THEM? ALSO I AM NOW WEARING A SIZE BRA DESIGNED FOR WOMEN WHO NEED EXTRA SUPPORT AND IT HAS FOUR HOOKS. IS THAT ENOUGH FOR YOU?
As I was leaving (everything is fine), I made my appointment for six months from now, which is JUNE, which is WHEN I WILL ACTUALLY HAVE A BABY, God willing, knock on wood, etc. And when she asked what time would be convenient, I realized I had to make a time that would be convenient for Adam to come home early from work to watch our three-month-old daughter. I drove home in stunned silence, because again, it’s just not sinking in, folks. And further, I’d be lying if lately I haven’t been thinking that this whole procreation thing was a very, very bad idea and is it too late to back out? Because what were we THINKING? We can’t handle any of this! We are not ready! NOT EVEN A LITTLE.
This thought is quickly buried, usually with the assistance of a swift kick in the cervix, because already, of course, I can’t imagine a second without her. She’s with me all the time, and although I can’t wait to meet her, I can already tell I’m going to miss the time when she’s inside, not out there. Inside, at least, I can protect her with, I don’t know, my womb of steel or something.
But still. It’s all very overwhelming. I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t. And you know what else? I’m scared.
And finally, because I don’t know anyone who’s seen a decent movie lately (INDIANA JONES I HATE YOU), might I recommend re-watching (or watching, if you haven’t already), The Boondock Saints? Such a beautiful little movie I’d forgotten existed.
And then, also if you haven’t already, watch the accompanying documentary Overnight on the asshole writer/director, Troy Duffy, who presents such an unprecedented level of douchebaggery that it’s creepily enjoyable to witness, and you’ll find yourself screaming, “Are you SERIOUS RIGHT NOW? ARE YOU THAT STUPID, OH MY GOD?”
Because he is! He is that stupid! AND IT IS SO SATISFYING. And it’s also where the Entourage Medellin plotline was directly ripped from, Weinstein brothers and all. Riveting stuff, particularly if you’re a fan of Boondock Saints.
Have a happy Tuesday! I will be gathering estimates for shower pan replacement and retiling! And maybe mold removal! And … oh God. Just stick a fork in my eye, please.
*Reindeer Section
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
21 Comments Add your own
1. Anyabeth | December 1st, 2008 at 7:33 pm
I don’t know if it helps, it probably doesn’t, but I felt exactly that way when I was pregnant with Mo. Actually I felt that way in the hospital birthing her. I wasn’t actually convinced until we were in the car on the way home that they were going to let me leave with her. And well I am still sort of sure that some one will one day realize the mistake and make me bring her back.
2. whoorl | December 1st, 2008 at 7:40 pm
Do not be scared, my friend. You are going to rock the parenting gig.
(Glad to know someone else is on the 6-month-breast-ultrasound-for-the-rest-of-your-life bandwagon. In fact, I just returned home 2 hours ago from yet another little cyst aspiration diddy. When the radiologist asked the nurse if we were following any other specific cysts, the nurse looked at her and said, “They’re everywhere.” Good times.)
3. Teej | December 1st, 2008 at 7:54 pm
Did you see the South Park episode that was all about how awful the Indiana Jones movie is? It’s hilarious. And probably very wrong, as it involves Cartoon George Lucas and Cartoon Steven Spielberg actually raping Cartoon Indy. But it’s very, very funny. (It’s called “The China Problem” if you care to watch it.)
4. Christine | December 1st, 2008 at 8:02 pm
Ha on Indiana Jones. Also cannot type much, burnt hand, am idiot.
Saw Milk, cried a lot. But man, moving stuff (if you can overlook a little part involving opera in which I turned to Tony and said, really? why?, but only a split second in a movie of otherwise awesomeness.) I really enjoyed Slumdog Millionaire too.
For rentals, I’ve been recommending Son of Rambow. I think you would enjoy it. It’s kind of Gondry-esque, whimsical and fun. I thought Alpha Dog was okay (the one based on the true story about the kid who was kidnapped and killed) – the acting lacks and considering the story, the movie certainly could have been done better – but the fact that it’s based on a true story compelled me to yell at the television set during the many (MANY) stupid actions of the characters.
5. Nora Bee | December 1st, 2008 at 10:23 pm
Would you believe that the IJ movie is the only one I’ve seen in a theater since H was born? Seriously. I gloriously suspended all disbelief and concentrated on the popcorn.
6. Suebob | December 1st, 2008 at 10:27 pm
Gosh, I hope Jimmie does NOT have asthma.
7. Amy K | December 1st, 2008 at 10:39 pm
Man, the most recent Indiana Jones movie was TERRIBLE (but still better than the Happening). How did they manage to eff up such a cool franchise? The nail in the coffin for me was Jones saying “NOOK-yoo-lar” while teaching one of his classes, and that was pretty early on. Don’t even get me started on the alien plot.
One recent movie worth watching is Let the Right One In. It’s…well, it’s a Swedish vampire flick. But it’s a good Swedish vampire flick. Really.
8. Swistle | December 2nd, 2008 at 5:19 am
I was so scared about the first baby! I thought, “WHAT HAVE I DONE??? WE HAVE RUINED OUR LIVES!!!! WE COULD HAVE HAD MONEY AND TIME BUT INSTEAD WE ARE SADDLING OURSELVES WITH A LIFETIME-COMMITMENT PARASITE!!!”
But it worked out great! Really great! “Wanting another even though I have FIVE lifetime-commitment parasites” great.
9. mar | December 2nd, 2008 at 5:23 am
haven’t done pw’s mashed potatoes, but i was blushing at thanksgiving over the compliments on her sweet potatoes recipe.
also, my bf walked in while i was watching the southpark ep where they rape indy & he was aghast. and it usually it’s me who’s ‘ghasting.
also, boondock saints is his fave movie ever & it was one of the first ones we watched together. also, have always been fond of sean patrick flanery. supposedly a sequel in the works on that movie? (saw on wiki, et al.)
10. Emily | December 2nd, 2008 at 5:32 am
Two things, in no particular order.
First, we’re probably the last people on the planet to have seen it, but we watched the new “Get Smart” the other day and laughed hysterically. It’s not going to change your life or anything, and I’m not claiming that it’s a wonderful piece of artistic mastery, but it’s funny.
Second, we just got an estimate on very nearly the exact shower work you’re describing. And we’re in Florida! Lo! The guy quoted us $35 an hour, plus materials. All told, we’ll get out of it for under $5k. For what it’s worth. Good luck!
11. TwoBusy | December 2nd, 2008 at 6:00 am
Three things, in a very specific order:
First off, I thought Suebob’s comment was funny. So sue me.
Secondly, I’m completely on board with you re: IJ (which we’ve already established) and Entourage, which ended with a dull, wet “thwap” that left me wondering why I’d ever liked the show in the first place. “Hey, look — it’s Scorcese in the role of Deus ex Machina! Hooray for happy endings!”
Third, I’ve seen “Overnight” but somehow haven’t yet watched “The Boondock Saints.” Probably because I’m too busy watching crap like IJ and Entourage. (smacks self in forehead)
12. Susan | December 2nd, 2008 at 6:11 am
“There was a firefight!”
I think we rewound and rewatched that line about 15 times the last time we watched Boondock Saints, our love for that moment was so great. We’ve taken to shouting it at inappropriate times just for the fun of it. Thanks for the tip about about “Overnight,” we’ll have to check that out.
13. Jess | December 2nd, 2008 at 7:13 am
Wow, Adam will have to come home early to take care of your daughter! My god! That’s even more of a wakeup call than that time a few months ago when I made my next dentist appointment in my married name. My goodness. A BABY.
14. ali | December 2nd, 2008 at 7:26 am
wait….what? i’m loving this season of Entourage!! you didn’t like!??!?! for real?
15. Erin | December 2nd, 2008 at 8:40 am
Here is my impersonation of me watching IJ4: “ha….haha….eff you George Lucas! ha…bleh…really? EFF YOU George Lucas!” I blame every single bad content decision on him because the original script was what made Harrison Ford and everyone say “okay, yeah let’s do it again” YEARS ago (I think he committed back when I first went to college IN 1996) and Lucas wouldn’t produce it until the screenwriter sold him the script so that he could make a bunch of changes “to make it better.” Really, why that doucheknocker is even allowed fifty miles within content control of a movie is beyond me. [/rant]
I am so excited for your baby and also? I am not pregnant but I have the exact same reaction to alcohol that pregnancy has given to you.
16. tutugirl1345 | December 2nd, 2008 at 9:20 am
The new Indiana Jones movie was so bad I nearly demanded my money back from the theater.
Good luck with the shower!
17. Shelly | December 2nd, 2008 at 9:50 am
Yes, IJ blew. Wow, was that ever bad.
And HAHAHAHAHA! on the pregnancy panic. I did that with the first AND second. Such a fun time. I was laughing along in solidarity on this post.
18. ZestyJenny | December 2nd, 2008 at 9:54 am
I’m cracking up that you just posted about Indiana Jones, because I have not seen it, but LAST NIGHT I watched the South Park episode about it. I said to Aaron, “Really? There were aliens in it?”
Also, I had to make an endocrynologist appointment for February, and the receptionist was all, “What time will be good for you?” and I had NO IDEA. Um, well let’s see, late morning? Will my 2 month old be sleeping then? FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK. Blew my damn mind.
19. Julienne | December 2nd, 2008 at 11:07 am
De-lurking to say YES for the Boondock Saints. That was THE movie while I was at university and I introduced the boyfriend to it and he loves it.
If you’re looking for a good movie, check out Towards Darkness (it’ll be a rental). All about kidnappings in Colombia, but so damn good. Also – you’ll be reading subtitles unless you speak Spanish!
20. Kristabella | December 2nd, 2008 at 12:15 pm
Oh, mashed potatoes. Every year I look forward to the mashed potatoes at Thanksgiving because they have cream cheese and butter and sour cream in them! SO YUMMY!
And then my mom, this year, decided to go with PRE-MADE mashed potatoes of the GARLIC VARIETY.
I almost made her cry because I was SO UPSET BY THIS!
See what you’ve got to look forward to in daughters.
21. the new girl | December 8th, 2008 at 6:41 pm
Loved Boondock Saints and still quote it.
I so, SO remember that panic of which you speak. I swear that when I actually gave birth, it was so unlike what I thought it would be like before hand, that it was almost like I’d IMAGINED that horrible pregnancy.
Even sometimes now, when I look at my TODDLER (OMG, WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN?) I can’t BELIEVE that I’m allowed to be a parent. lol.
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